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Full text of "Everybody's friend"

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EVERYBODY'S FRIEND, 



OR; 



JOSH BILLING'S 

ENCYCLOPEDIA 

AND 
PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY 

OF 

WIT AND HUMOR 



PROFUSELY ILLUSTRATED 

BY 

THOMAS RAST 

AND OTHER ARTISTS. /^ 






ffimth te uttst ffii^f #*♦' 



HARTFORD, CONN. : 

AMERICAN" PUBLISHING COMPANY, 

1874. 






<t r 



ENTEKED according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, by 

GEORGE W. CAELETON & CO., 
in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 






TO 
FRANCIS S. STREET, and FRANCIS S. SMITH, 

[editors AND PROPRIETORS 

OF 

"THE NEW YORK WEEKLY,"] 
117 PAT20NS AtfD FEIE2TLS, 

- . THIS BOOK 

IS 
DEDICATED. 



New York, 1873. Josh Billings. 



TABLE OV KONTENTS. 



Page. 

Analytical Index . . . . 11 

1 Kontentment 33 

2 Marriage 36 

3 Fashion's Prayer .... 38 

4 The Bizzy Body .... 40 

5 Fastidiousness 42 

6 Love . 43 

7 Fear 44 

8 Buty 45 

9 Faith . 46 

10 Branes 47 

11 Spring and Biles .... 48 

12 Tight Boots 50 

13 The Lam and the Duv . . 52 

14 The Duv 55 

15 The Old Bachelor .... 57 

16 Horns 59 

17 Kissing 62 

18 About Pharming . ... 65 

19 Questions and Answers . . 68 

20 Whissling . 69 

21 Hotels 72 

22 Laffing 75 

23 Hoss Sense ...... 78 

24 Silence 79 

25 Bravery 80 

26 Dispatch ....... 81 

27 Pik out a Wife 82 



Page. 

28 Watermellons . , . . . . 83 

29 Pik out a Dog ..... 84 

30 Pik out a Kat 86 

31 Lost Arts 86 

32 To Komic Lekturers ... 89 

33 Fashion . 92 

34 Fun 93 

35 Fret 94 

36 Fury 94 

37 Fits 95 

38 Fuss 95 

39 Fellow - . 96 

40 Flunkey 96 

41 Finis 96 

42 Nu Foundland and Tarrier . 97 

43 The Rat Tarrier ..... 99 

44 The Monkey ...... 100 

45 The Pissmire 103 

46 The Pole Kat . - . . . .104 

47 The Weazel 105 

48 Angle Worms 107 

49 The Mouse 108 

50 The Taller Dog 110 

51 Roosters 113 

52 The Fox 115 

53 Aunt and Grasshopper . .118 

54 A Hen 120 

55 The Gote 124 

7 



Vlll 



TABLE OY KONTENTS. 



56 Goose Talk 126 

57 The Clam 128 

58 Snails 128 

59 Striped Snake 129 

60 Babys 130 

61 The Crab 132 

62 Essa on Swine 132 

63 Cat and Kangaroo .... 133 

64 The Codfish 136 

65 The Mackrel 137 

66 The Pollywogg ., ... 137 

67 The Bullhead 138 

68 Mud Turkles 139 

69 The Fly 140 

70 The Crow 143 

71 The Bumble Bee ... . 144 

72 The Robbing 145 

73 The Swallo 146 

74 The Bat 146 

75 The Hawk ' ■ . .147 

76 The Meddo Mole . . . .148 

77 The Possum 149 

78 The Cursid Musketo . . . . 151 

79 The Hornet 154 

80 The Rabbit 157 

81 The Poodle . . . . . .158 

82 The Partridge 159 

83 The Snipe 160 

84 The Cockroach 160 

85 The Mule -. . 163 

86 Bed Bugs 164 

87 The Flea ....... 165 

88 Not enny Shanghi . . . .166 

89 The Aunt 169 

90 TheAdder 172 

91 The Striped Snaik .... 172 

92 The Blue Racer 174 

93 The Blak Snaik .... .174 

94 The Milk Snaik 175 

95 Raccoon and Pettyfogger . 176 

96 The Duk 179 

97 The Turkey 180 

98 The Hosstritch 181 

99 The Parrot 182 



100 The Bobalink . . . . - . .182 

101 The Eagle 183 

102 Natral History 183 

103 Kats 186 

104 The Hum Bugg 187 

105 The Bugg Bear 189 

106 The Game Chicken . . -190 

107 The Duk 190 

108 Sandy Hill Crane .... 192 

109 The Rattlesnaix 193 

110 The Hoop Snaix . . . .194 

111 The Anakondy 195 

112 The Garter Snaix . . . .195 

113 The Eel Snaix 196 

114 See Sarpent Snaix .... 196 

115 Kopper-hed Snaix .... 197 

116 The Blujay 198 

117 The Quail 199 

118 The Partridge 199 

119 The Woodkok 200 

120 The Guina Hen . . . . . 200 

121 The Goslin 201 

122 The Grub ....... 202 

123 The Lady Bug . . . . .204 

124 The Tree Tud 204 

125 The Porkupine 204 

126 Devils Darning Needle . . 205 

127 Ramrods 206 

128 Lobstir Sallad 209 

129 Mollassis Kandy 211 

130 Puddin & Milk 215 

131 Plum Pits 217 

132 Chips 221 

133 KoarseShot 223 

134 Slips of the Pen 226 

135 Glass Dimonds 228 

136 Jews Harps 231 

137 Tadpoles 233 

138 Pepper Pods . . . . . .237 

139 Hooks & Eyes .- . . . .240 

140 Jaw Bones 244 

141 Ods and Ens 245 

142 Fust Impresuns 249 

143 Plum Pits 252 



TABLE OV KONTENTS. 



IX 



144 Gnats 255 

145 Kindling Wood c .... 256 
140 Pkish Bawls 260 

147 Stray Children 264 

148 Ink Brats . . . ... . .269 

149 Lightning Bugs 272 

150 Parboils 275 

151 Nest Eggs 277 

152 Chicken Feed . .... 280 

153 Hard Tack 283 

154 Solium Thoughts .... 286 

155 Ink Lings 288 

156 Embers on the Hearth . . 292 

157 Hot Korn 294 

158 Foundlings 298 

159 Dried Fruit 800 

160 Remnants 301 

161 Remarks 303 

162 Saws 306 

163 Remarks 309 

164 Nosegays 311 

165 Shooting Stars 316 

166 The Interviewer 320 

167 The Musk Rat .... . 322 

168 The Mink 323 

169 Distrikt Schoolmaster . . 324 

170 The Pompous Man . . . .326 

171 The One Idea Man . . . .327 

172 The Happy Man .... 327 

173 The Henpecked Man . . .328 

174 The Officious Man .... 328 

175 The Phunny Man .... 329 

176 The Cheeky Man . . . .329 

177 The Live Man 330 

178 The Faultfinder 331 

179 The Border Indjun .... 332 

180 The Cunning Man . . . .336 

181 The Loafer 341 

182 The Projector 342 

183 The Kondem Phool . . .343 

184 The Obtuse Man .... 345 

185 ThePositiffMan . . . .346 

186 The Cross Man 347 

187 The Pashunt Man .... 347 



188 The Funny Man 

189 The Honest Man 

190 The Square Man 

191 The Oblong Man 

192 The Perpindiklar Man 

193 The Limber Man . 

194 The Jolly Man . . 

195 The Pewter Man . 

196 The Fiteing Man . 

197 The Precise Man . 

198 Coquette and Prude 

199 The Effeminate Man 

200 The Jealous Man . 

201 The Anonymous Man 

202 The Stiff Man . 

203 The Model Man . 

204 The Neat Person 

205 John Bascomb . 

206 Elizibeth Meachem 

207 Good Rezolushuns 

208 My Fust Gong . 

209 Korn 

210 Advertizement . 

211 Tew Lectur Kommitty 

212 Letter to Farmers 

213 A Tempranse Klub 

214 The Proverbial Pig 

215 Sowing Sosiety Address 

216 The Fust Baby . . 

217 Billings under Oath 

218 At Niagra Falls . . 

219 Negro and Trout . 

220 Dandy and Thimble 

221 Long Branch . . . 

222 Billiards .... 

223 Habits of Grate Men 

224 Insures his Life . . 

225 Tew pick out a Hoss 

226 Agrikultural Hoss Trot 

227 Oats 

228 Pashunce of Job . 

229 The Game of Yewker 

230 Beer ...... 

231 Laughing .... 



Rigger 



347 

348 

348 

349 

350 

350 

350 

351 

351 

352 

353 

356 

357 

357 

357 

358 

359 

361 

364 

366 

369 

370 

372 

373 

376 

377 

380 

381 

383 

383 

386 

390 

393 

. 396 

. 400 

. 401 

. 403 

. 404 

. 407 

. 409 

. 413 

. 415 

. 416 

. 418 



TABLE OV KONTENTS. 



232 The Advent No. 2 ... . 419 

233 Questions and Answers . 422 

234 Saratoga and Lake George . 424 

235 Sum Vegetable History . . 428 

236 New Ashford 428 

237 Bends 432 

238 Koliding ....... 434 

239 At Short Eange 438 

240 Beau Bennett 440 

241 To Male Young Men . . .442 

242 Female Eemarks .... 445 

243 Private Opinyuns .... 447 

244 On Courting . . .... 451 

245 Nuzepaper Tatlings . . . 452 

246 Mounts a Velocipede . . . 456 

247 The Rase Koarse ... . . .458 

248 Billings Lexicon . . . .462 

249 Owly 465 

250 Pordunk Village .... 468 

251 4 Letters .472 

252 Settles with Correspondents 475 

253 A Loose Epistle 477 

254 Short Replys ...... 480 

255 Wimmins Rights . . . .483 

256 Dog Talk 487 

257 Correspondence 489 

258 Short but Sweet . .' . . .495 

259 Josh Replies 499 

260 The Committe Man . . .501 

261 Answers ....... 504 

262 Communicashuns .... 509 

263 Hair Oil Man ...... 518 

264 Still Communicative . . .521 

265 The Davenport Letter . . 523 

266 Josh in Saratoga . . . .526 

267 Correspondence . , . . . 528 

268 Two Letters 531 



269 Defines his position . . . 533 

270 Correspondence 537 

271 Spice Box Correspondents .539 

272 Letters 544 

273 Josh Cpmmunes 548 

274. Autograff Letters .... 550 

275 Short Answers 553 

276 Mail Matter . . . . . .556 

277 Pets 562 

278 Ded-beat and Friends . . .567 

279 The Shyster 569 

280 The Skinner 570 

281 Bred & Butter 570 

282 Mark Twain 573 

283 White Mountains .... 575 

284 Aristokrats 581 

285 Buty and the Beasts . . .584 

286 Billings Proverbs .... 589 

287 White Mountains .... 593 

288 Gnatt and Katterpiller . . 597 

289 The Ear Wig 602 

290 About Hotels 602 

291 The Oyster 607 

292 The Red Pepper 608 

293 The Nuze Boy 608 

294 The Phiddle 609 

295 The Philosopher .... 610 

296 The Toadey ....... 611 

297 The Jakass 611 

298 The Sassy Man 612 

299 The Gassy Man 613 

300 The Sharp Man 614 

301 The Lazy Man . . . . .615 

302 The Nervous Man . . . .615 

303 The Dignified Man .... 616 

304 The Weak Man, .... 617 



THE END. 



DARWIN THEORY AND WHISKEE THEORY. 




Man waz kreated a little lower than the angells — 




— and haz bin gitting- a little lower ever sinse. (11) 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 





Page. 


1 Steel Portrait . . 


. 1 


2 Darwin & Whiskey . 


. 11 


3 Essays 


. 33 


4 Perfectly Satisfied 


. 34 


5 Fashuns Prayer . . 


. 40 


6 Fastidiousness . . 


. 43 


7 Biles 


. 50 


8 The Lam & Duv . . 


. 54 


9 In A HORN 


. 60 


10 Connubial Bliss . . 


. 64 


11 Horace Greeley . . 


. 65 


12 Whissling .... 


. 70 


13 An Oration .... 


. 7S 


14 Esofs Jackass . . . 


. 83 


15 Comlk Lecture . . 


. 90 


16 Fuss & Feathers . . 


. 93 


17 Animated Natur . . 


. 97 


18 A NEWFOUNDLAND DOQ 


. 98 


19 The Pole Kat . . . 


. 104 


20 A Taller Dog . . . 


. Ill 


21 A Sly Fox .... 


. 117 


22 A PHOOL OF A HEN 


. 123 


23 Goose talk .... 


. 127 


24 Spice-box 


. 129 


25 Cat and Kangaroo . 


. 134 


26 Annimated Natur . 


. 136 



Page 

27 The Fly 140 

28 A nightmare 145 

29 The Musketo 152 

30 The Rabbit 157 

31 The Mule 163 

32 The Shanghi 167 

33 Sxaix 173 

34 Publik Institutions . .174 

35 Feathered ones .... 179 

36 Kats 186 

37 The Game Chicken . . .190 

38 More Snaix 194 

39 The Blujay 198 

40 Vermin 203 

41 Affurisms 206 

42 Ramrods 207 

43 Molasis Kandy .... 212 

44 Christmas Pie 218 

45 Koarse Shot 223 

46 Glass Dimonds . . . . .229 

47 Tadpoles 234 

48 Hooks & Eyes 241 

49 A Musical Duett .... 244 

50 Odds & Ends 246 

51 First Impressions . . . 249 

52 Voting 253 



11 



Xll 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 



Page. 

53 The World on fire . . 257 

54 Stray Children . . . .264 

55 Lightning bugs .... 272 

56 Nest Eggs 278 

57 Dog days 282 

58 Hard tack 284 

59 Ink-lings 289 

60 Hot Korn 295 

61 Remnants 302 

62 Saws 306 

63 Nosegays . 312 

64 Shooting stars . . . .317 

65 Monograffs 320 

66 The Interviewer . . . 321 

67 The Yankee . . . .. .327 

68 Spinsters . . ' 332 

69 Injuns 335 

70 Frequent Keitters . . . 341 

71 Peculiar ones 349 

72 Coquet & prude .... 354 

73 The neat Person . . .360 

74 John Bascomb . . ... .362 

75 Miscellaneous .... 366 

76 Good Rezolushuns . . . 367 

77 Korns 371 

78 Lektur Committees . . . 374 

79 Temperance Klub . . .378 

80 Pordunk Sowing Society 382 

81 A Bookeeper 384 

82 Takes a drink 392 

83 At Long Branch . . . . 397 

84 Grate men 401 

85 Women's Rights .... 402 

86 The Hoss ....... 405 

87 A hoss-laff 410 

88 Mi Washerwoman . . . 414 

89 Beer ........ 417 

90 Science 420 

91 Long Branch 425 



Page. 

92 Tadpoles . . . . , . . .431 

93 Tew late 435 

94 Lost & Found 436 

95 Skating akcident . . . 437 

96 At Prayers 441 

97 Tew mutch whiskey . . 443 

98 Private opinions .... 448 

99 Latest news 453 

100 The Races 459 

101 Spinning Yarns .... 466 

102 Pordunk Churchyard . . 469 

103 To Correspondents . . . 472 

104 Letter boxes 473 

105 Hiz Washerwoman . . . 478 

106 Wimmins Rongs . . . .483 

107 Meeting a Bear 488 

108 Among Beasts 495 

109 Hotel Porter 499 

110 A Loving Couple .... 500 

111 An Akcident 505 

112 Telegraphing 510 

113 A Domestik Scene . . . 519 

114 Wild Injun 527 

115 A good Krow . . . . . 534 

116 Letters received . . . 539 

117 Letters to anser . ; . 545 

118 Boarding-house privil- 

eges 550 

119 Short ansers . . . . .553 

120 Male bag 557 

121 A Fop 565 

122 Highway-man 570 

123 Mountains 577 

124 Democratic Orator . . . 583 

125 Ekonomy 592 

126 Gnatts . 598 

127 Wit & Science 603 

128 A Philosopher .... 610 

129 Suicide 617 



INDEX 



Abandon of art 355 

A band ov musik 545 

A band ov vagrants 464 

Abhor det 562 

A bible question 499 

A big bile on yure arm 307 

A big daze work 431 

A bigg noze 210 

A blind baby 342 

A bob-tailed pekok 206 

A boss bumble bee 136 

About a cat 134 

About a quart 126 

About the rite dose 563 

About two inches 419 

A brandy cocktail 577 

A brilliant cuss 34 

A bull dog 317 

A bull in fli time 94 

A bumming excurshun 181 

Abuv temtashun 590 

Accounts for the sawdust 229 

A Chinese god 487 

Acktion Ill 

Acktive lazyness 270 

Ackts just like his ma 337 

A cheap way tew think 319 

A clean fat baby 131 



A concealed Koward 591 

A country couzin 132 

A country cur 225 

A coquett gone to seed 355 

A cosmetic receipt 395 

A cosmopolitan cuss 510 

A 60 day note 367 

Adam waz a boy 232 

A dangerous person 91 

A dead beat 178 

A decent sarpent . . . 207 

A deff and dum man 365 

Adirondax ralerode 426 

A delekate subjekt 559 

A disgraced rooster 285 

A dissekting room 538 

Admirably stolen 438 

Adopt the blakleg 444 

A dredful poor job 534 

A drink out ov his flask 374 

A dark komplekted buty 335 

Advent No. 2 419 

Advice 211 

A farm at half price 130 

A farm of 175 akers 127 

Affektashun iz handy 514 

A flood of lawless hair 185. 

A fox in a trap 298 

Afrika iz the plase 135 

African under oath §81 



13 



XIV 



INDEX. 



Afriks old and well- tanned son. . 391 

After dark 156 

After a camel 255 

A fu branes 319 

A gaudy piktur 572 

A geologekal pkakt 595 

A genuine ghost 295 

A giant karakter 271 

Agin mill 352 

Agitate things 556 

A good critic 259 

A good deal of sugar 221 

A good hater 225 

A good husband 50 

A good square meal 368 

A grate f uter man 502 

A grate man 243 

A graven image 214 

A grave yard 277 

Agreeable and in order 418 

A greast pole 125 

A grub or a worm 430 

A half-bushel 314 

A happy set ov bo wells 237 

A hard-shell babtiss . . 361 

A helthy phool 90 

A hippokrit 363 

A hole to fit 254 

A homemade kritter 56 

A horce and carriage 491 

A Hornet and a Pismire 81 

A human hyena 568 

A hydraulik ram 285 

Aint bilt right 123 

Aint it orful? 96 

Aint worth a cuss 177 

Aunt and the Grasshopper 118 

Ajax 563 

A Jewelry peddlar 41 

A joy upon earth 74 

Aked with glory 436 

A kind ov human ram 280 

Akoldbath 275 

A kommon thief 567 

A konseited ass 565 

A koroners jury 18o 

A kre wel thing 601 

A kross ram 248 

Akount ov Stok 443 

Aktual arithmetik 544 

A Jaffing Angel . 383 

A lame duk 192 

A large camp meeting 156 

A large family ov us 503 

Alaska 490 

A lernt phool, .,,,.,, 271 



Alexander 315 

A lie on the start 534 

A life arkadian 380 

A light draft chap 527 

A little more hair 445 

A little rekreashun 536 

A little too mutch gin 146 

A living corpse 562 

All kinds ov phools 121 

All night together 485 

All over warts 507 

All thekurs 235 

All the literati 234 

All the starch out 316 

All that they bag 356 

A loafing pissmire 566 

A long haired dogg 42 

A long-tailed mouse 40 

A lokomotiff insex 600 

A lorst dorg 40 

A louse is a fackt 183 

Alteratives wont answer 396 

Alter the spot tew fit 349 

Also in rumatism 385 

Alwus hav twins 150 

Alus been poor 100 

Alwus take soup 142 

Always smel's ov whiskey 143 

Ambishun 279 

A mere pimp 237 

American kant 451 

Amherst, Mass 516 

A middling sized peddler 71 

A mithological woman 411 

A moderate mule . . 495 

Amos 545 

A mug ov beer 239 

A mule dispises them 153 

A muss in the family 484 

An abreviated dam 143 

An aktive loafer 103 

Ane Dunham 469 

An egiptian 612 

An elephant's egg 157 

An gel Is (ov both genders) 436 

Angleworms 107 

An idle sekret 120 

An imaginary egg 189 

A nimble sixpence. ...... 262 

An important fackt 162 

Animiles and insex ■ 314 

Animal kreashun 45 

Animated ghosts 419 

An obituary notiss 213 

A nobel institushun 332 

An old setting hen 95 



INDEX. 



XV 



Another cussed old lie 60 

Another dose 547 

An old goose 248 

An arogant brat 817 

An shunt Job 325 

Anshunt sitty of Pordunk 536 

Ants hav bye laws 171 

An ug'ly pug noze 351 

An unlady like tiling 71 

Anxiety » 209 

A pail ov whiskee 459 

A phatting thing 184 

A phool without a destiny 123 

A pizen arrow 332 

A plaintiff song l4t5 

A plaintive biography 51_ 

A plaintive wild kat 5oO 

A pollypurse 118 

A poor artikle 386 

A pound at a time 266 

A pound of assifidity 124 

A pound of salt codfish 378 

Apple dumplins 82 

Applied tew the sile 67 

Apply the moral 289 

April songs 390 

A profound sekret 127 

A prominent moralist 84 

A prude 207 

A punch in the belly. 400 

A pure rekord 537 

A quart ov whisky 378 

A ray of light 106 

A red flannel petticoat 180 

Arly and oftin 382 

Arly apple trees 341 

A Rokaway klam 322 

A roomy bride 526 

" Artikilus bevo" 161 

Artless Jane 481 

A Saddle Rok oyster 160 

A safe way to gamble 38 

A sett of carpet-baggers 421 

A Shanghi rooster 115 

A shilling a heado 42 

A shoe ov anchunt daze 391 

A short back 4S8 

A short lived bug 152 

A single cockroach 359 

Ask her tu 487 

Ask him to prove it 367 

Ask sumboddy older 365 

A sli hit 542 

A sleeping darkey 141 

A snake in the grass 338 

A small dandy 114 



A small sized j ackass 521 

A snob at home 326 

A song without sense 376 

A square drink 508 

A soshul insex 152 

A stray nigger 150 

A sublime idear 509 

A superior mind 258 

A sure way ; 304 

A sweet little critter 58 

At a keyhole 234 

A temperanse klub 377 

A thorn in the flesh 445 

Atlantik monthly 448 

Atlantik Ocean 293 

A toothless kur 449 

Auckshioneers 534 

Austin, Texas 465 

A vishus old man 224 

A veteran surgeon 444 

A way they hav got 205 

A weak man 224 

A weak mind 214 

A week afterwards 167 

A weird child ov the heart 340 

A wise man. 224 

A witty writer 222 

Awl the animils 140 

A yearling heffer 246 



Babys 130 

Back ov the hog pen 530 

Bak pay 554 

Bal em's ass 297 

Bank stock 549 

Barnum, the grate 557 

Barrell ov apple sass 177 

Baron Van Chaulk ... 454 

Bass wood punkin seeds 351 

Beans for the soul 523 

Bear the market 497 

Beau Bennet 440 

Beau Brummel 587 

Beastesses 513 

Bed Bugs 164 

Bedtick pantyloons 460 

Before legs 506 

Before Methuseler waz 122 

Beginners in literature 250 

Begin scrubbing early 360 

Begin slow 556 

Behomath Billings 513 



XVI 



INDEX. 



Bekause lie is a monkey 91 

Bell letters 502 

Belo the belt 352 

Be more vertuous 523 

Ben Franklin 368 

Ben Franklin & Co 404 

Benjamen 496 

Benvolio 506 

Bergen point 151 

Berlony sarsage 476 

Bet 4 dollars 147 

Bet on this 159 

Better next time 243 

Beverly, the barber 470 

Be vertewous 313 

Bible deludes to them 164 

Bia dog 261 

Bile with charity 500 

Biles 48 

Biles are very sassy 49 

Biled crow 2 times 144 

Biled injun meal 531 

Biled krow 560 

Bile one eend 167 

Biled owl rare dun 168 

Biled pork and rum. 429 

Billings family 149 

Billings gets a good holt 512 

Billings haz fled 490 

Billings infernal lies 89 

Billings Lexicon .... 462 

Bimeby tha jine , 452 

Bitterness of truth 560 

Blabbed it all around town 420 

Blackfeet injun 334 

Blackwood magazine 455 

Bleeding tears together 34 

Bio them up 258 

Blowing yure own trumpet. .... 276 

Blue Monday 445 

Blunders are brilliant 251 

Bobing for eels 332 

" Bolivards Oil ov Seduktion ". . 69 

Bolony sarsage 102 

Booth's Theatre 318 

Born so 268 

Born so bi natur 120 

Boston suits me 507 

Botany Bay 450 

Both sides of things 457 

Both ways are right 37 

Bottom ov South Amerika 59 

Borders ov criminality 614 

Branes 47 

Branes or impudense 440 

Brag on it 298 



Bragging on Job 418 

Bravery 80 

Breakfast bell 253 

Brigham Young 427 

Bring in the monkey 586 

Broadway 165 

Broiled chicken 123 

Brother Abel 464 

Bukwheat slapjak 273 

Bug- ethecks 161 

Bully for Job ! 414 

Bully for me 159 

Bumblebees 49 

Banker hill 508 

Butcher him H5 

Butterfiise do , • . 356 

Buty. 45 

Buty iz power 251 

Burning fluid natur 479 

Buys sum gin. 400 



0. 



Cape of Good Hope 438 

Call him a phool 210 

Call him a thief 468 

Camphene children 479 

Caroline 496 

Cat pizen 462 

Champane Charlie -199 

Charge it... 308 

Chawed up. . . „ 258 

Cheap whisky „ . 341 

Cheat and steal 290 

Cheat sum one else 562 

Cheerful Beat. 512 

Cheerful old girls 273 

Chief end ov man 294 

Chief end ov woman 218 

Chicken feed 280 

Chief Justiss Chase 493 

Child ov circumstansis 38 

Child ov ingratitude 117 

Child ov the oshun 136 

Children half price 558 

China 473 

Chinese religion 588 

Chips 221 

Cholery infantum 478 

Christopher Columbus : . Ill 

Civilize a Pawnee 336 

Clean teeth , 549 

Clowns are skarse „ 308 

Close korporashuns, , , 139 



IXD1-.X. 



XV11 



Cluss transackshuns 86 

Cocktails ov success 301 

Codfish Bank 275 

Codfish for brekfast 88 

Codliver 520 

Colone water 288 

Columbus, without a cent 176 

Comik lekturers 89 

Comik lektring 260 

Common goose grease 532 

Commontatera 187 

Comparatively virteuous 565 

Composed of shifts 337 

Condem it 325 

Confession 208 

Confidence game 462 

Congress 358 

Connekticut, mi natiff place. . , . 41 5 

Contrary vegetables 354 

Coon Hollow 361 

Copious fool 511 

Cows cum holloring 430 

Cows kno how old they are 60 

Corn and other sass 70 

Count the moon 99 

Croesus 342 

Cud of sweet kontentment 35 

Culler ov twilite 598 

Cultivate bunyans and corns. ... 58 

Cum tew a .hed 274 

Cum tew the skratch 496 

Currious mind 113 

Cussed monkey 261 



D. 



Dabolls' arithmetik 531 

Dame Nature 394 

Dandy s and blujays 295 

Daniel Purdy 471 

Daniel Webster's head 185 

Dave Larkin 460 

Dead beating 64 

Dead broke 227 

Deakon Tucker 470 

Dear Hen 552 

Death 213 

Debt iz a trap 253 

Decoy duck 331 

Dead hed mi remains 593 

Defend the suit 235 

Demokratik politicians 371 

Dennis O'Tool 453 

Departed Wm. Shakespeare 51 

n 



Despatch 81 

Destiny ov sum kind 104 

Destroy the pup 537 

Devil's Darning Needle 205 

Dexter can trot 477 

Die, and stay so 125 

Diogoneze 315 

Diogenes and Seneca 228 

Dirty the year round 360 

Dirty work ov wisdom 284 

Discovered by Cain 407 

Disguize ov a woman 354 

Dismount from the turkey 102 

Distrikt skoolmaster 324 

Divided by a velosipead 457 

Divide the plunder 338 

Divers other females 483 

Dogs which bark never bight. . . 85 

Do her up brown 502 

Do it quick 436 

Doktors are called quacks 191 

Doktor Henry Magnum, M.D. . . 402 

Doktor Hirsute 518 

Doktors pitch cents 491 

Dont beleaf in speerits 477 

Dont blame the bug 203 

Dolly Varden 497 

Dog sassage cheap 509 

Down on Sandy Creek 118 

Dreadful dobby 255 

Dredful mean things 53 

Drest in glowing robes 397 

Dried apples on a string 57 

Dried Fruit 300 

Drink before dinner 427 

Drink either 435 

Drinks more whiskee 559 

Drinks whiskee too 300 

Draw a prize 566 

Drain him dry 107 

Draw ni unto them 159 

Draw poker 324 

Drove of genuises 265 

Dry goods 244 

Duk 179 

Duke John Smith 373 

Dum excitement 437 

Dumplings 541 

Dutch konundrum 439 



E. 



Early cabbage 213 

Eat a horse and kart 595 



xvm 



IKDEX. 



Eat klam soup 239 

Eat pork and beans 297 

Ebenezer Smile 403 

Ebenezer Smith 452 

Edukaskun iz bully 100 

Edukashim gauls genius 79 

Eddikated mules 164 

Eggs in great profushun 200 

Egipt 372 

Egypt 185 

Eight-hour sistem 169 

Eight men and four women. . . . 485 

Elaborate cuss 115 

Elderberry 520 

Elegant kcmmon sense 314 

Elephants skarse 256 

Eleven feet in them 51 

Elizabeth Meackam 364 

Eloquence 304 

Embers of virtew 216 

Embers on the Harth 292 

Enjoy poor health 238 

Enlarge his head. 363 

Ennvtinie on a bust 431 

Enoch 546 

Enters mi soul 472 

Enuff to suit me 196 

" E pluribus ununi " , . . . . 592 

ErieKanal 323 

Erie Rail Road 178 

Essa on swine 132 

Euklid 149 

Eureka! 518 

Eurupp 561 

Eve waz a phool. 283 

Eve waz seduced 130 

Every boddy dont kno 551 

Every boddy wants tew talk. ... 79 

Everything is lovely 116 

Every 20 minits 491 

Ez Farnham 470 

Exact age of Methuselor 122 

Experience 211 

Expressly for a phool 120 

Extatick neatness -359 

Extacys ov hydrophobia. 122 

Extrackts ov Lubin 395 



F. 



Fair thing for Niagara 387 

Faith 46 

Faith iz no milksop 46 

Falls of Niagara 278 



Fanny Birch 467 

Farmers' Alminax 352 

Fashion 92 

Fastidiousness 42 

Fear 44 

Feed him high 226 

Feeters of Saratogy 528 

Feller Sisters 381 

Fellow % . 96 

Fetch on the cobbler 409 

Fetch them tew a focus 337 

Fever sores 244 

Few men kan 127 

Fickle bi nater 280 

Fierce as an old hen 340 

Fiddle but one tune 295 

Fifteen or twenty babes 58 

Fighting waight 281 

Filled with horror 527 

Find him mellow 446 

Find the hole 288 

Fite flees 259 

Fits 95 

Five old maids 299 

Flatter another 243 

Flattering purp 475 

Flattering prospektus 134 

Flattery 208 

Flatluent words 75 

Flora of our country 574 

Flunkey 96 

Folks we all kno .' 356 

Folks knu her story 469 

Footballs are handled 605 

Foot his wife's bills 294 

Forever too late 399 

Formerly a man 113 

Fortune 206 

Foundlings 298 

Found her reddy 593 

Found out somehow 560 

Fragrant assiphedita. 600 

Freak ov natur 296 

Free loveing 279 

Free lunch at Delmonicos 142 

Freeze fast to one 555 

Fret 94 

Fried pork for brekfast 531 

Froliksom cusses 174 

From Adam down . . : 227 

Full az ridikulous 542 

Full ov informashun 109 

Fun 93 

Fury 94 

Fust Baby 383 

Fust couzins 33 



INDEX. 



XIX 



Fust impressions 249 

Fust of May 141 

Fust rate blunders 46 

Fust wiggle 479 



G. 



Gabrel and his horn 369 

Gallus buttons bust oph 413 

Game ov Yewker 415 

Garden of Eden 45 

Gardin sass 478 

Garter snaix 195 

Gaudy piles 576 

Gay Betsey 482 

Genius for sawing wood 449 

Genius for taking things 47 

Gen. Jackson 362 

Gen. Washington 361 

George Washington Crab, Esq. . 401 

Getting ketched at it 234 

Getting sober 379 

Gildad 500 

Gin and milk 240 

Ginger pop 247 

Git aboard the monkey 102 

Git alongphast 573 

Git hiz milk puntch 175 

Git mad about it 129 

Git married at once 83 

Git the piece in 539 

Git verry fatt 97 

Glass Diamonds. 228 

Glen House 578 

Gnats 255 

Go ahead on her 467 

Go and bury it 522 

Go at him, with a klub 67 

Goes for it 174 

Go for the widow 321 

Go it : blind 266 

Goold specks . 404 

Goose talk 126 

Got beat every time 236 

Go tew bed late 170 

Gorham 580 

Go south to winter. 145 

Got a pupil 405 

Go to a citty 551 

Go tew the devil 530 

Go up, old bald head 175 

Gouts and rumatiss 261 

Goze for theworm 330 

" Good-bye valves " 482 

Good for a bad breth 214 



Good for the injuns 377 

Good boss thiefs 280 

Good injuns die young 248 

Good injuns onst 528 

Good old Moses ! 519 

Good Resolushuns 366 

Gone any how 239 

Gone to roost 576 

Grab at the offer 440 

Gra hares and pimples 442 

Grass widders 368 

Grate on nigger-minstrels. ..'.., 375 

Grate retribushuns 112 

Grate thinkers 80 

Grate sorting 81 

Gravity 386 

Grease his boots 345 

Grease mi macheen 525 

Greenlands Icy Mountains 198 

Green rabbits 157 

Gripes and grunts ! 282 

Gro wizer 564 

Guessing is poor bizzness 286 

Gulph ov Mexico 197 

G. W. Carleton 454 



H. 

Haffandhaff 282 

Haff brother tew fear 246 

Haf Jackass 163 

Haffright 316 

Half store pay 545 

Haint got the stamps 300 

Haint struck bottom yet 307 

Hair on the bed 304 

Hall's guide tew health 498 

Hambetonian breed of cats 518 

Hand full ov trumps 292 

Hang onto them .... 473 

Hannah Campbell 863 

Hannibal 501 

Hansum husbands 544 

Hard soap 358 

Harlequin .' 93 

Hardtack 283 

Hash 46 

Hash will tell 279 

Hash with a clear conscience. . . . 299 

Hasty puddin 544 

Hav a ritch daddy 68 

Have 2 biles on me 49 

Heart breaking Adonis 442 

Heathins are alwus kind 505 

He haz been here and left 420 



XX 



INDEX. 



Helthy az onions 577 

Hen-peck dodges 328 

Her heavenly bust 437 

Her husbands, 12 in all 365 

Hi and hoary 576 

Hiawatha 333 

High price of happiness 68 

High stepping words 272 

Hight ov the Falls 387 

Hi lo jak 254 

Hily butiful 546 

Hily improper 43 

Himmelay Mountains 403 

Hind quarter of lamb 535 

Hind side before 315 

Hi old Adams 597 

Hi-pressure reservoi 613 

Historick vermin 151 

His weak points. 245 

Hive fleas 538 

Hod carriers 339 

Holding a hi offiss 206 

Hold on tew yure false hair 77 

Hold perhaps a pint 392 

Home 59 

Home of General Harrison 432 

Homer and Herodotus 116 

Honesty 88 

Honest old Dutchman 468 

Honeyfugled 410 

Hon. John Morressey 389 

Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff 407 

Hooks & eyes 240 

Hooks up hiz wife's dress 358 

Hope iz a hen 286 

"HornComb" 62 

Horn of Plenty 62 

Horns of rum and tanzy 429 

Horns ov poor whiskey 47 

Hornets 41 

Hoss laffs 411 

Hoss sense 78 

Hotels 72 

Hotel Bills 292 

Hot kakes and kaughphy 450 

Hot korn 294 

Hottentott language 247 

House rent free 511 

How a kiss tastes 585 

Howard 498 

How pleazed i am 579 

How to pik out a wife 82 

Horace Greeley. 496 

Hug each other 324 

Hugging and kissing 337 

Human natur in a krab 800 



Human polecats 338 

Hungry for sum gospel 80 

Hunting after fleas 207 

Hunt for a Christian 234 

Hunt for a man 250 

Husbands of menny wives 113 



ain't fooling 

am charitable 

am yure man 

don't kno them 

f i don't, i ought to 

follow the Skriptures 

hev seen her do it 

have seen the game 

kan taste it now 

kant ! 

kant tell 

le and molassis mixt 

like a hornet , 

Iliad ov Homer 

maginary trouble 

mitators ov oddness 

mmorality in ambush 

mpashioned bull frog 

mpudense, whare is thy sting !, 

n a private apartment 

n bible times 

n broad dalite 

ndex ov karacter , 

ndiginous bug 

ndignant good sense 

never bet , 

never met one 

n favor ov the cobbler 

nfiamibel bugger 

n human orthography 

njun poetry 

nk brats 

nk bugs 

n lo Duch 

n loud italicks, C. O. D 

n me sumwhere 

n States Prison 

ntelligent civilization 

n the Bible 

n the wainscot 

nto a pie together. 

nvenshun 

onst took a pharm 

t reaches from the cradle 



163 
252 

486 
219 
302 
188 
122 
482 
416 
393 
147 
343 
307 
345 
267 
543 
503 
472 
422 
330 
297 
165 
418 
606 
408 
309 
384 
409 
154 
575 
335 
269 
288 
434 
103 
480 
493 
283 
249 
108 

56 
385 

66 
419 



INDEX. 



XXI 



Irish cooks 445 

I shall jine them 471 

Israel Dunbar 228 

Is whiskee a tonick ? 4r>3 

It hurts the babys 131 

It iz in man 135 

I should say plural 409 

I thanked him and smiled 404 

I took a jug 425 

It's a bileing 591 

It's dredful prerogative 339 

Its prestine virginity 415 

I kno mi phailings 219 

I wan't drunk that nite. 416 

It works nights 275 

Ixion 458 



Jawbones 244 

Jealousy 220 

Jeremy Diddler 569 

Jersee litening 399 

Jews harps 231 

Jim Buchanan 362 

Just about rite 448 

Jest a little more 463 

Joan of Ark 529 

Job, the Apostle 51 

Job, the promt 48 

Joe French 465 

Joel Parker 471 

John Bascomb 361 

Join the Shakers 446 

Joke ov Jupiter's 101 

Joner's gourd 449 

Joner's ketching the whale, .... 176 

Joseph was sent 371 

Josh Billings az a frend 381 

Josh at Niagara Falls 386 

Josh Billings under oath 383 

Josh communes 548 

Josh settles up 475 

Joshua, not " Josh " 504 

Jordan 302 

Judus Iskaratt 133 

Juise Harp 460 

Jupiter stood treat 428 

Just as they cum 567 

Just belo the knee 195 

Just like cheese 268 

Just so in morals 241 



K 



Kalamil and gallup 444 

Kalico on the brain 444 

Kalled a milk sop 522 

Kammel's hair shawl 40 

Kanada thistles 162 

Kansass 603 

Kant alwus see it 312 

Kant stand sivilization 166 

Kant warrent a good crop 411 

Kapacity valuable 563 

Capital of Mass 507 

Kare on mi mind 431 

Kareless, but honest 570 

Raster ile 270 

Kats 186 

Kats intestines 401 

Kats pedigree 262 

Keep a grocery 547 

Keep a hoss and buggy 303 

Keep boarders 202 

Keep from tipping over 167 

Keep the angleworms 99 

Key bugle style 486 

Kindling wood 256 

Kindness ov a klub 303 

Kind ov skared 158 

Kussing. 62 

Kiss and hang on 500 

Killing me bi inches 589 

Klam broth ov literature 233 

Klamorous but subdued 257 

Klam soup 569 

Klassikal musik 480 

Klosing klose 607 

Knocked out ov tune 420 

Knower had hens 168 

Knows hiz bizzness 72 

Kodflsh bawls 3 times 325 

Kold feet 309 

Koliding 434 

Kompliment to oxen 371 

Komposed of wind 604 

Kompound with him 235 

Kondemn kontrary 261 

Kondusiv tew helth 443 

Konstantly open 615 

Kontentment 33 

Korn 370 

Korn dodgers 370 

Korns, and bunyons 39 

Kounterfifc munny 505 

Kranbery mash 460 

Krazy for ventilashun 312 



XX11 



INDEX. 



Kronick grunters 331 

Krudility ov sum pholks 592 

Kuller is no kriterion 504 

Kultivate an excentricity 266 

Kultivated hyena 320 

Kultivate mi palate 560 

Kuntry gide-board 322 

Kure a man 107 

Kured this way 545 

Kussed little 65 

Kut it oph 563 

Kut out for smart 245 

Kussed poor hotels 400 



Lady bug 203 

Laffing 75 

Laffing on the haft-shell 76 

Laff vividly 269 

Lake Ontario 387 

Lam and green peas 116 

Lam chops every morning 201 

Land ov hand orgins 451 

Landing ov the pilgrims 429 

Laste thing 345 

Law ov instinkt 101 

Lazarus 342 

Lazarus died ritch. ... 368 

Leading artikles 334 

Learn tew be hansum 265 

Lektur onto it . 176 

Lend yure dollars. . . . -# 269 

Less than one a day 169 

Let the mixture be 549 

Let her rip 88 

Let the publick decide 538 

Let yure lover see 481 

Let yure wife cook them 139 

Less wear and tare 510 

Life iz short. 259 

Lightning bugs 272 

Little here belo 499 

Limber as the figger 8 433 

Literature is debilitating 529 

Lively for a few minnits 148 

Lively out ' 566 

Liv on buty 45 

Lizzards and frogs 193 

Lo, and behold 598 

Loafers differ 231 

Lobstir sallad 209 

Lokated in his noze 357 

London 492 



Long Branch 397 

Lookin for old rye 443 

" Look out Josh " 80 

Lost arts 86 

Love 43 

Lovely Bridget McGruire 452 

Lovely woman smaks me 367 

Lucky when he gits it 212 

Luther 546 

Luxury ov grunting 232 



M. 

Machinery of Kreashun 147 

Madagascar 434 

Made one % 301 

Magnificent happiness 579 

Major Andre 389 

Make a phellow 560 

Make a note ovthis 305 

Make the kettle bile 561 

Makes a man laff. . , 572 

Makes me very popular 474 

Makreljob 398 

Malishus men 207 

Maliss ov fun 463 

Man iz our brother 379 

Man ov mi learning 47 

Man the Capting. 559 

Manifess destiny '489 

Manure it well 412 

Manure yure sile 107 

Marked " C.O.D." 134 

Mark ov grate abilities 82 

Mark Twain 573 

Married life 269 

Marriages are unhappy 499 

Marry an angel 548 

Marry a young wife 306 

Marry for buty 36 

Marrying for money 217 

Mary had a little lam 52 

Mary's lam 53 

Mathamaticks 301 

Matilda O'Brine 455 

Matrimony iz a ded beat 37 

Matty 489 

Me and mi wife 353 

Mean bi komparison , . 583 

Means of grace 457 

Means to ends 109 

Meat vittles 143 

Melted pathos 594 

Mentioned in the Good Book 381 



INDEX. 



XX111 



Men whom I owe 289 

Murcury 501 

Mere charlatans 26S 

Methuzeler aint here 125 

Methuseler died ritch 412 

Methuseler for a fu 364 

Mi bronkial glandorials 521 

Mi brother. . . , ■ . 577 

My consern 557 

My dear Miss Jemrniuia 483 

Mi eventful life 514 

Mi final salvashun 514 

Mi fust virtews 484 

Mi habits 524 

Mi imaginashun 126 

Mi inferior 447 

Mi influence 483 

Mikorkleg 441 

Mi left pers wader 478 

Mi lektur on " Milk " 521 

Mi own karakter 302 

Mi preveleges 473 

Mi relish for pork (516 

Mi reserve powers 588 

Mi resolushun 530 

Mi solium thinking 554 

Mi taylor andshumaker 441 

Mi wife 494 

Millioneres are numerous 398 

Ministers are obliged to 231 

Mink muffs 150 

Milk a cow on the run 69 

Milk and molasses kissing 63 

Milk juleps 490 

Milk punch and sour sider 424 

Miscelaneous crab 399 

Miss him 106 

Misterious wisdum 571 

Mister Bates 473 

Mister Brown 472 

Mollassis kandy 211 

Money at interest 289 

Monkey shines 210 

Moral grip in marriage . . ,, 36 

Moral stamina 154 

More cigars 366 

More humor 436 

More leggs than brains 41 

More phools 246 

Morbid taylors 509 

More sincere than capable 503 

Moretite 366 

Mormons 154 

Morning nuze 450 

Morristown 492 

Most elegant vittles 200 



Most sakred horn 60 

Mother duz things 446 

Mount Arryatt 402 

Mount Holyoke 517 

Mount Ida 428 

Mount Maria 580 

Mount Moriah __ 575 

Mount Thomas 517 

Mr. Beans 556 

Mr. Bergh 333 

Mr. Cowper 501 

Mr. Cummings 595 

Mr. John Smith 318 

Mr. Miller 421 

Mr. Lo, the injun 333 

Mr. Lots wife 382 

Mr. William Bramble 531 

Mrs. Patrick McFerguson 456 

Mudturkles 139 

Mules in Wheeling 493 

Mustard 542 

Must be their stumoiuks 165 

Must have sum hash 572 

Mutilated currency 525 

My family bosom 523 

My well eye 550 

My wife grew dearer 388 

My wife turned pale 387 



E". 



Nabor Shermans 536 

Natral, but cheap 257 

Natral History 494 

Natur luve misterys 148 

Naturalists say so 179 

Nasty buzzard 568 

Natches 465 

Nazareth 242 

Nebudkennezer 130 

Necessary az shinplasters 64 

Nest eggs . . . : 277 

New kind ov deviltry 351 

New Orleans molasses 330 

New York Citty 212 

New York legislature 408 

Next door nabor 230 

Nice, aint it ? 571 

Nikolsum pavements 554 

Ninkumpoop tribe 454 

Noah had a coon 177 

Noah in the ark 160 

Noah's pets 55 



XXIV 



INDEX. 



North Bend 432 

Norway 488 

No better than skimmilk 36 

No female admitted 378 

Nopoeck 489 

No man kan make one 517 

No man shall beat me 367 

Nobody ever saw one. 224 

Nothing to feed on 265 

Nothing so delishus 317 

Notis one thing 271 

Not so much advice 216 

Not very delikate 548 

Nosegays , 311 

Nusepaper kriticks 571 

Nussing the rumatizz 240 

Nuss the stub 35 



o, 



Oats 409 

Oats are a phunny grain 410 

Obadiah Bunkuin 453 

Obliged tew spend 517 

Oh Charitee ! Oh Charitee ! 381 

Ods and ens 245 

Old az lshmels self. 392 

Old bummer 379 

Old ciderbrandist 533 

Old Cheese 542 

Old clothes bizzness 329 

Old deakon Skinner 348 

OldDorgs 293 

Old for the bizzness 503 

Old grannvs 281 

" Old Hundred " 547 

Oldhvson tea 273 

Oldlshmahel 392 

Old people 297 

" Old Probabilitiz " 319 

Old red pepper-pod 532 

Old saws reset 329 

Old skool allopath 98 

Older than Methuseler 122 

Olympian country 458 

Omnibus boss 112 

On a bad bust 187 

On a frolik 425 

On a mule 258 

On courting 451 

On the butt-end 544 

On the blind side 61 

On its little bed 77 



On the rack 73 

Onthesli 241 

On the war path 190 

One egg, per diem 123 

One limber jinte 357 

One of them crimes 499 

One ov Solomans 146 

One ov the lost arts 384 

One ov love's pimps 463 

One ov natur's sekrets 144 

One ov the phew 128 

Only a 4th Korporal 293 

Only to a phew : 205 

Only once more 132 

Ontra to all cirkles 188 

Opening clams 92 

Openings for young men : . 512 

Open nite and day 379 

Opinion ov gin and milk 362 

Opinyuns I venerate .• . . 571 

Old virgin waz taking medicine. 68 

Ordinary literary hack 538 

Original packages 492 

Othello 318 

Other romping critters 101 

Our ancesters 468 

Our best bilt historians 126 

Our dorg's tale 272 

Our durned luk 594 

Our humane Bergh 493 

Our konsekutiff family 535 

Our old blak hen ! 168 

Our poor relashuns 541 

Our private sekritary 280 

Our remorseless brats 326 

Our vast inkums 490 

Out for an airing 77 

Out in Nevada 467 

Out in the kold 570 

Out ov a job 98 

Outrun a blak snaik 321 

Overdrawn mi account 537 

" Owe for a lodge " 501 

Owing tew my bile 416 

Owly 465 

Own wust enemys ." . 327 

Oxigin and kole dust , 513 



P. 



Pacifick Oshun 456 

Paganini 610 

Painted in water kullers 55 



INDEX. 



XXV 



Palmy daze ov Noah 335 

Parable ov the virgins 34-4 

Paradise 108 

Parboils 275 

Parasites skeedadle 525 

Paris fashions 394 

Paris imposition 476 

Parson Powell 470 

Patching pantaloons 485 

Patent for butter 551 

Pathos without fuss 63 

Paul 530 

PaulBurdok 454 

Pay them oph 523 

Peanut krop 455 

Peeled wide open 475 

Peddling imp of humanity 390 

Pedigree of the rooster 584 

Peliminous remarks 532 

Pensive cockroach 495 

Pensive Rebekker 487 

Peppermint 229 

Pepper pods 237 

Perfekt person 250 

Perishable goods 482 

Permanently ridiklous 300 

Pesky is the Flea 165 

Peterfunk 183 

Phaith is cheap 129 

Phatting hogs 497 

Pheals his dependanse 572 

Phew but unique 104 

Phew konfidants 262 

Philanthropisters 439 

Philosophy 218 

Phish Bawls 260 

Phool me with hash 128 

Phools and bobalinks 296 

Phools like phishes 278 

Phooledme 540 

Phooling with molassis 141 

Phollys ov grate men 289 

Phond aspirashuns 584 

Piety, like beans 273 

Piety ov Moses 448 

Pick the men 309 

Pik out a dog 84 

Pikoutakat 86 

Pindar 476 

Pitchin cents 459 

Pitch hedlong into solitude 117 

Pitty sutch pholks 152 

Pissmires 278 

Pizoned by striknine 517 

Pizon ov infatuashun 39 

Perpetual moshun 342 



Planted with Kangaroos 135 

Play jokes upon others 242 

Play lion 339 

Play the autokrat 282 

Play the monkey 543 

Plato 475 

Pleze state how long 404 

Plimoth rok 508 

Plug tobacco 155 

Plum Pits 217 

Phun in phisick 225 

Pochahontas 364 

Poetry department 541 

Poetry in gin 220 

Poets and skollars 507 

Polly gamy iz a blessing 427 

Pompous man 326 

Poor Erie 172 

Pordunk 99 

Pordunk village 348 

Pordunk Sowing Sosiety 382 

Pork and beans 305 

Posishun iz everything 533 

Poultiss their own shins ! 228 

Poverty haz no friends 293 

Prayed in lo dutch 70 

Praving for the heifer 347 

Prefer the fits 480 

Prefer their iniquity 376 

Pregnant with science 66 

Premeditated sorrow 153 

Pretty much all bug 189 

Pretty Ruth 481 

Prick abladder 274 

Pride 220 

Pride is bogus 216 

Primeval forests 270 

Principally in one spot '75 

Private state room 511 

Procrastination 290 

Professor Norris 453 

Professor of arithmatik 125 

Prohibitory laws 378 

Promiskuss cussing 52 

Promiskuss hair 158 

Prospekt hiz wind 406 

Proverbial Pig 380 

Prudery ov falsehood 43 

Pettit larceny 108 

P. T. Barnum kind 195 

Puddin and milk 215 

Pumpkin Pi 87 

Punktuality 312 

Punning is nothing 215 

Pupys on the green 48 

Pure emotional kissing 63 



XXVI 



INDEX. 



Pure mathumatick's 556 

Puter ten cent pieces 35 

Put in hiz lip 420 

Put up the sled 244 



Q. 



Quadripeds of genius 529 

Questions and answers 68 

Quote latin 438 



E. 



Ragkarpets 410 

Raise beans 550 

" Ram's Horn "■ 61 

Ram in a bak lot 343 

Ramrods 206 

Rather fishy 136 

Rats 39 

Rats agin 487 

Rats are migratorious 488 

Rats i dont luv 110 

Raze beets 539 

Raze nite mares 191 

Razetudstools 246 

Read everything .... 243 

Real pius 505 

Reddy for dinner 145 

Reddy to drink ." 260 

Reliable hash : 572 

Reliable sett ov bowels 248 

Religion in a fly 142 

Religion iz a trade 287 

Remarkable beast of prey 138 

Remnants 301 

Remorse of cunning 355 

Repentanse 291 

Retired in their habits 202 

Resemble mi parent 525 

Residents at Niagara 390 

Revenge 223 

Revenge on the haff-shell 50 

Rev. Moses Bjckerstaff 402 

Revolusbionary war 495 

Rhehoboam Beecher 87 

Ridikuled bi poets 547 

Right pucker for it 71 

Risky bizzness 173 

Rite tew the pint 535 

Robert Burnes 389 

R,oger the blacksmith. . . , 469 



Rogers Williams 469' 

Roosters 113 

Roots for brekfast 238 

Rotory cohesiveness 457 

Roste duk and apple sass 190 

Ruff tyranny 568 

Ruin a deacon 87 

Rum and Tansy 87 

Rum enny skarser ? 119, 

Rum iz a bill ov exchange 376 

Rumor 221 

Running the mashine 449 

Run out ov the truth 302 

Running through mi head 62 

Run with manure 65 

Run your hand along 405 

'• Rute hog or di." 554 



s. 



Sad and weary 430 

Safest people we hav 350 

Sages and phools 229 

Saliva mi hands 175 

Sally cum up 120 

Salt on a sore place 94 

Salt on his tail 106 

Salts and perilash 527 

Salvashun Bitters '518 

Same storys over again 291 

Sampson 494 

Sanguinary ov suckces 461 

Sanktified gentlemen 567 

Saratoga and Lake George 424 

Sass a cow 552 

Sassyfrass 520 

Sassy tu poverty 270 

Satan 306 

Save eggs 348 

Saws 306 

Schuyler Colfax 432 

Science a dwarf. 578 

Science run into the ground 66 

Search for the missing wife 468 

Search history with one eye. . . . 474 

Second hand articles 42 

Seckond wife '. 263 

Sed a good tbiug. , . . 439 

Sed tew be innocent 129 

Seduce a korn dodger 370 

See a missionary 528 

See if the coast is clear 413 

See the game 400 



INDEX. 



XXV11 



Sell out mi money 171 

Send for a physician 98 

Series, a primitiff woman 370 

Servant gall, with hoops on 74 

Serve mamon 276 

Served me right 565 

Sewing Sosietys 256 

Shakers 92 

Shakespeares opinion. 369 

Sharp Brothers 492 

Sheep laff. . . 298 

Shelburne 580 

Sherry cobblers Ill 

Shine em up 259 

Shirtless heathen 34 

Shoddy & Petroleum.. 526 

Shooting stars 316 

Short but sweet 495 

Short sermons 311 

Shrimps 52 

Shu blaks 442 

Shuteing at a mark 534 

Shut up one eye 564 

Sitty ov Bufferlo 369 

Six hours at the* opera 323 

Six inches ov it 61 

Six little checks 114 

Skalawags , „ 564 

Skin the eel 476 

Skriptur will tell yu 443 

Slikest time in yure life 452 

Slow Christians 254 

Small at that 105 

Small pox , . 235 

Smart for their size 540 

Smash a dilemma 59 

Smell of hiz breath 406 

Smile and drink 403 

Smiley 557 

Smirking Satanity 103 

Sneak in, after dark 164 

Snow shoes 163 

Snyder 488 

Soaking themselfs out 516 

Soaking yure own feet 38 

Soft and holy shadder 217 

Soft harvest moon 315 

Soft klams 320 

So modest and frail 577 

So mutch to the pound 58 

So sez Blakstone 121 

Solan, the ancient 434 

Solitude 222 

Solium Thoughts 286 

Sons ov temperanse 194 



Soon out ov season 221 

Sore eyed lap dogs 93 

Sound on the goose 110 

Spalding's glue 85 

Sparking 82 

Spark two galls at once 286 

Spinnage 541 

Spit on yure hands 484 

Spirit ov adventure 84 

Spiritual manafestashuns 292 

Spontaneous kats 368 

Spred with butter 258 

Spring and Biles 48 

Spring, in undress 391 

Spring lam 93 

Spruce gum chawing 33 

Square on a bile 372 

Stane in hiz pedigree 537 

State ov Iowa 369 

Star Spangled Banner Ill 

Steal oats 294 

Steal privately 374 

Steals what he eats 149 

Steal water-melons . , 155 

Steal with good judgement 447 

Step into hiz shuze 313 

Stiring up the animals 35 

Stool-pigeons 374 

Straws in his mouth 380 

Stray children 264 

Strength ov character ' 296 

Strike for higher wages .„„.... 204 

Strikly confidenshall 180 

Striped snake 129 

Studdy dikshionarys 218 

Studdy yure genius 238 

Studdy men and things 218 

Studdy natur 192 

Stujent 488 

Stupid kritter 230 

Style in writing 314 

Style iz everything 252 

Suavity ov molassis 290 

Subburbs ov sentimentality 102 

Success 212 

Such iz man ! 161 

Suckshun for others 254 

Suddenly virtewous 283 

Sue me for damages 310 

Sugar hogsheds. 341 

Suggar coated pills 310 

Suit the market 109 

Suitable mourning 396 

Suitable references 456 

Sumboddy's yello dorg 72 



XXY111 



INDEX. 



Summer vakations 528 

Summer tourists 309 

Sumthing tew drink 75 

Sum fewter time 77 

Sum hash is good 474 

Sum Indian in him 358 

Sum other plieller's sister 294 

Sum punkins 567 

Sum ov the dents 480 

Sum ov the tail 549 

Sucking eggs 105 

Surnamed bellyzebubb , 173 

Sutch iz man . 109 

Swap it oph 543 

Swapping legs 553 

Swap with him 558 

Sware to it besides 384 

Sweet and sticky 305 

Sweet bug 600 

Sweet Nuisance 509 

Sweet on molassiss kandy 92 

Swill barrells 133 

Swift Andriskoggin 580 



Tadpoles 233 

Take half ov it 287 

Take mi two children 39 

Take sum rubarb 541 

Talent and genius 276 

Talk back to the nigger 71 

Tame kats 41 

Tare up the resipee 84 

Target excursions 156 

Tavern bizzness 73 

The adder 172 

The action ov the leggs 458 

The Allabarmer klaims 119 

The Amerikan pet 331 

The anakondy 195 

The animile's dimenshuns 176 

The act of stealing 177 

The Atlantik Oshun 397 

The Aunt 169 

The author ov Gin 403 

The author's hands 310 

The back side ov me 417 

The ballot box.. 484 

The barbarians 447 

The Bat 146 

The bed iz inhabited 74 

The best kard 265 



The best phisick 279 

The Bizzy Body , 40 

The bizzness ov hash 73 

The Blak Snaik 174 

Theblujay 198 

The Blue Racer 174 

The Bobalink 182 

The boddy politick 238 

The border injun 182 

The bottom ov her cups 393 

The bounding deer 334 

The brite blu ski 430 

The bronskeesucks 167 

The brownkreetis 576 

The bug-brutes 166 

The Bugg Bear 189 

The Bull head 138 

The Bumble Bee. 144 

The bursted angell '. . 438 

The buzzum ov the queen 141 

The chameleon 267 

The cheeky man 329 

The cherub Fly 588 

The child of Hope 317 

The child ov precept 546 

The child of silence 80 

The City ov Jerusalem 144 

The Clam 128 

The cockatoo 574 

The Cockroach 160 

The codfish 136 

The colored brother 202 

Theconjugaler Bend 433 

The Continental Hotel 398 

The crab 132 

The crow 143 

The crowned beds ov Europe. . . 197 

The Cross Man 347 

The Cursid Musketo 151 

The Daizy 343 

The Darwin theory 363 

The days ov chivalry 536 

The Deceitful Cuss 338 

The desert of Sarah 357 

The devil's stool pigeon 532 

The Domestik Man 339 

Tecumser 389 

Tempranse bevridge 418 

Tenderla ajew 382 

The Eagle .' 183 

The Earwig 602 

The Eel Snaik 196 

The elastik elephant 616 

The Eleventh Commandment. . . 271 
The Elyseum fields 522 



INDEX. 



XXIX 



The ensiklopodio 497 

The far West 387 

The fassest hoss 232 

The father of lies 239 

The Fault Finder 331 

The feet of a tulip 394 

The feet ov Maria 575 

The festive clam 587 

The fidgit and the conipshun. . . . 425 

The 5th avenue hotel 446 

The flat side ov earth 325 

The flood accident 524 

The Fly 140 

The fust edishun 310 

The fust gal i loved 522 

The fust j uise harp 69 

The fun ailment 92 

The Funny Man 347 

The Game chicken 190 

The genius ov reazon 573 

The glory of virtew 308 

The Goddess ov korn 411 

TheGoslin 201 

TheGote 124 

The grate Colyseum 509 

The grate negro man sir 515 

The grate news. , 118 

The gratest problem 376 

The Grecian Bend 433 

The Greenlanders 442 

The Grub 203 

The Guina Hen 203 

The gulf of Mexiko 578 

That ends it 305 

That iz whisky 194 

That kind miself 303 

That will wash well 78 

Thimblerig 395 

Their devilish appearance 205 

Their love for me 131 

Their natiff land 181 

Theodorus Whitney 363 

They are amphipicuss 191 

They hang around grocerys 141 

They wasn't twins 558 

Theze comik geniuses 150 

Things i can't prove 233 

Thinkin ov Italy 369 

This partikular junktur 230 

This selebrated bugg 188 

This visionary world 149 

This wants an affidavy 140 

Thoro wort tea 597 

Thought over the thing 488 

Three females and one man 504 



Three hours a day 532 

Three men for a hustband 555 

Three quarts ov whiskey 194 

Three stories 466 

Three wimmin to support 504 

Thru a rhy straw 232 

Thunderstruck at fust 414 

The hand of beauty 274 

The happy man 327 

The Hawk 147 

The henpecked man 328 

The Hindoo 396 

The Hipressure Phool 344 

The hole he kan fill 553 

The Hoop Snaik 194 

The Hoosick tunnel 297 

The Hornet 154 

The hornet respektabil 95 

The Hosstrich 181 

The Hudson 372 

The human family 201 

The Hum Bugg 187 

The hurry ov pissmires 219 

Tickle hiz nose 487 

Tickling the buzzum 472 

Tight boots 50 

Time 290 

Time honored garter 196 

Tire the spot out 553 

Titbits of woman's natur 57 

Tite spots in mi life 50 

The Interviewer 320 

The itch 91 

TheJakass 611 

The j ourney of life „ 54 

The Kangaroo 135 

The katekism 321 

The kindness of experience 138 

The kopper-hed Snaix 197 

The krickets 432 

The lam and the dove ... 52 

The lam has a short tail 53 

The laps of ages 110 

The late Alexander Pope 406 

The lawless cockroach 515 

The lekturer's room 374 

The lice ov Egipt 568 

The lightning bug's tail 226 

The literary ring 539 

The Live man 330 

The Loafer 341 

The Lord only knows 287 

The Lord won't endorse 281 

The louse are gregarious 184 

The louse is playing tag 184 



XXX 



INDEX. 



The lower Mississippi 466 

The limb of mankind 526 

The Mackrel 137 

The male trombone 521 

The May Flower 524 

The Mayor and his wife 142 

The meazles 1 58 

The meddo mole 148 

The meek Phool , . 344 

The merino ram 327 

The milk Snaik 175 

The Mink 323 

The mirakel of Pharaoh 423 

The missionary bizzness 336 

The Miss S.impbonys 453 

The misterious hens egg 155 

The modern Buzzer 320 

The monkey 100 

The morning Gazzette 322 

The mouse. . . 108 

The mule... 163 

The mundane Earth 581 

The musk Rat 322 

The necessarys 212 

The Negro and the Trout 390 

The nobel kodfiBh, 97 

The nobel red man 333 

The North Pole 385 

The nuze boy 608 

Toast with a quail on it 441 

Too airish 319 

Too original. . , . 236 

Too phond of musik 82 

Told so bi a german 416 

Total depravity 210 

To save a bet 121 

The occult rhinosceros 514 

The officious man 328 

The old bachelor 57 

The omnibust hoss 336 

The one Idea man 327 

The only respektabel way 139 

The operashun of marriage. 533 

The other end down 169 

The other two meals 137 

The Parrot 182 

The pathos ov veneration 486 

The Patridge 199 

The Peter Tucker colt 407 

The Perpendiklar man 350 

The peruvian lama 166 

ThePhiddle 609 

The Phunny man 329 

The pissmire. „ 103 

The pissmire a laffing stok 95 

The Plug ugly 124 



The poet sez . . 168 

The Pole iz got 498 

The Pole -Kat ....... . 104 

The Pollywogg 137 

The poodle 158 

The Porkupine 204 

The Posatiff man 346 

The possum 149 

The prevailing fashun 313 

The pucker string 555 

The Quail 199 

Transmit the hump 434 

Translated into Hindoo . 402 

Translate the wurd 435 

Travels for a living 344 

Treacherous in their joy 350 

Tributes to good hoss sense 79 

Tried it on mi aunt 425 

Trilampile 561 

Try histeriks 561 

The Babbit 157 

The ranebo in the East 353 

The Ease Koarse 458 

The Rat Tarrier 99 

The Rattlesnaix 193 

The Red See 423 

The right heft 477 

The Robbing., 145 

The Roman empire 285 

The role ov infamy 570 

The rudder of affairs 559 

The same bizzness 349 

The same old spot 134 

The Sandy Hill Crane. . . . .' 192 

The Saxon 396 

The seed ov the woman 173 

The Sea Sarpent Snaix : . . . 196 

The Shinner 570 

The Shyster 569 

The Siamese Twins 460 

The size ov hiz pile 385 

The Snipe 160 

The sorest bile in market 316 

The sorry Christian 424 

The soshul masheen 311 

The souls of their feet 516 

The South 422 

The southern crop 354 

The steeds ov Nimrod , 373 

The striped snaik .' 172 

The studs ov Akilles 373 

The stummuk ake 51 

The surplus niggers 485 

The Swallo 146 

The 10 commandments ... 404 

The tarrier 97 



INDEX. 



XXXI 



The tree tud 204 

The trail of literature 477 

Tuehed bottom 260 

Turkey 180 

Turned out loose 578 

Tuff thing- to overhaul 57 

Twin sister to charity 359 

The unearthly speller 515 

The Union 375 

The velosipead 456 

The venerable age of 86 401 

The vernakular 222 

The virtewous heathen 318 

Twas ever thus 511 

Twelve biles on one man 49 

Twice at Newport 197 

Twins 264 

Twins — 2 mutch 462 

Two dogs fiteing 291 

Two facetious buzzards 277 

Two mortal enemys 138 

Two snikkers 76 

The wag Phool 344 

The washerwoman 414 

The weazel . . 105 

The white Pig 380 

The white sugar bowl 161 

The wheel ov Fortune 564 

The wodden dog 85 

The woodkok 200 

The world's taint 579 

The world tew cum 284 

The wust whipped man 284 

The Yeller Dog 110 

The young eagle 265 

Tvndall 575 



u. 



Ulysses Ill 

Uncle who preached 429 

Uncommon deceptibus 548 

Uncomplaining little cusses 162 

Under a kloud 579 

Undress and go in 424 

Unhorsed mi bashful ness 524 

United States ov Amerika 157 

Unkommon pesky thing 89 

Usephull knowledge 451 

Utaw,,... 427 



V. 



Value ova boss , 312 

Value ov injuns 553 

Various animals 137 

Various tribes ov injuns 334 

Vegetable History 428 

Vegetable oysters 33 

Vegetable trinity 520 

" Veloss " and " pedoss'" 458 

Venerable lies 60 

" Verbatus ad liberating " 506 

Very impertinent 90 

Vittles and clothes 156 

Virginity ov mi sex 479 

Virtews are habits 566 

Virtuous forgetfulness 525 

Virtewous, gentle woman 486 

Virtewous kouch 599 

Volumes for the hog 133 



W. 



Walk on 5th Avenew 121 

Wall street . 171 

Walter Roundout 455 

Ware a paper collar 311 

Warwick 500 

Waste ov natral juice 76 

Watch the landlady 474 

Watch the simptoms 240 

Watermellon 83 

Weak and wicked 308 

Wear green gogles 405 

Wears the man out 268 

Weazles are skarse. 106 

Webster's spellin book. 151 

Webster's unabridged 203 

Wedlock out west 172 

We had better spend 550 

Weight ov hosses 408 

Well in a monkey 223 

Well puckered whissell 70 

Wendal Phillips 515 

Wet nusses 131 

Wet nuss of prejudice 216 

Wet rags . . 461 

We should be kerful 222 



XXX11 



INDEX. 



" What a goose ! " 586 

W. H. Borrows 426 

What chastity 562 

Whats going on ! 303 

What 1 kno about Pharming 65 

What Joner did 489 

What trumps are 590 

What will happen 346 

What woman wants 284 

When duz the moon change 119 

When I waz a boy 471 

Which is called Skunk 105 

Whi iz this sutch 96 

Whi the flea bights 495 

Whi they bottle it 426 

White swellings 526 

Whiskee is one ov the tonicks. . . 520 

Whiskee (noble whiskee) 371 

Whiskey and civilization 528 

" Whisky Horn " 61 

Whissling 69 

Widder Betsey Stevens 373 

Wife bileing soap 340 

Wife haz authority ^433 

Wife iz fastidious 551 

Wife of Jupiter 543 

Wiggles 617 

Wild beasts 264 

Wild state ov natur 191 

Will take mi whisky 366 

Wimmins' rights bizziness 211 

With a hole in the bottom 421 

With a pickle in it 377 

With one hand 464 

Without enny gissard 356 

Without enny moustach 69 

Without enny shirt 285 

Wize az a mule 282 



Wise az a sarpent 56 

Wizdum biles her pot 336 

Wisdom in tight harness 90 

Woman in her weakness 162 

Woman's best holt, 555 

Women will be skarse 37 

Wonderful dogs 97 

Won't pay enny man 558 

Won't sute me 100 

Won't wash at all 498 

Wooddin bucket 272 

World wants watching 250 

Worrys the hogs 377 

Worthy ov all imitashun 440 

Writers on Natural History 104 

Wry coffee 463 

Wuss for being cracked 447 



T. 

Yale College 276 

Yale University 574 

Yankee Doodle backwards 343 

Yarn 54 

Yellow mice and red crows 511 

Yelping yeller dog 113 

Yewker is a mollato game 415 

You and the monkey 101 

You and she likes it 556 

Young Billings 478 

You have a gong 74 

Yu hav got to diet 582 

Yukanhavit 573 

Yu kno whar it iz 535 

Yung grasshoppers 119 

Yung hedgehog 226 




r I I j 



iffiww 




f/fcrft-f '/?-&> -MX __ 



2-33- 



KONTENTMENT. 

KONTENTMENT is the gift ov God, as it kan be culti- 
vated a little, but it is hard tew acquire. Kontentment is 
sed to be the same az happiness, this ackounts for the small 
amount ov happiness laying around loose, without enny owner. 
I don't beleave that man was made tew be kontented, nor 
happy in this world, for if he had bin, he wouldn't hav hank- 
ered enuff for the other world. 

When a man gits perfektly kontented, he and a clam are 
fust couzins. 

Contentment iz a kind ov moral laziness ; if thare want 
ennything but kontentment in this world, man wouldn't be 
any more of a suckcess than an angleworm iz. 

When a man gits so he don't want ennything more, he iz 
like a rackcoon with his intestines full ov green corn. 

Contentment iz one ov the instinkts, i admit it tew be hap- 
piness, but it iz kind ov spruce gum chawing happiness. 

We all find fault with Adam and Eve, for not being kon- 
tented, but if they had bin satisfied with the gardin ov Eden, 
and themselfs, they would hav been living thare now, the 
only two human beings on the face ov the arth, az innocent 
as a couple of vegetable oysters. 

They would hav bin two splendid specimens ov the handy 
work ov God, elegant portraits in the vestibule ov heaven, 
but they would not hav developed reazon, the only God-like 
attribute in man. 

3} 33 



34: 



ESSAYS. 



When a man iz thoroly k on tented, he iz either too lazy to 
want ennything, or too big a phool tew enjoy it. 

I hav lived in naberhoods whare everyboddy seemed to be 
kontented, but if the itch had ever broke out in them naber- 
hoods, the people would have skratehed to this day. 

I am in favor of all the vanitys, and petty ambishuns, all 
the jealousys and backbitings in the world, not bekauze i 
think they am hansome, but bekauze I think they stir up 
men, and wimmin, git them onto their muscle, cultivating 

their venom and rea- 
zon at the same time, 
and proving what a 
brilliant cuss man may 
be, at the same time 
that it proves what a 
miserable cuss he iz. 

I had rather see two 
wimmin pull hair, than 
tew see them set down, 
thoroughly satisfied 
with an aimless life, 
and never suffer eney 
excitement, greater 
than bleeding tears 
together, through their 
noze, for a parcel of 
shirtless heathen on 
the coast ov Madagas- 
kar, or, once in a while, 
open their eyes, from a dream ov young hyson contentment 
tea, tew sarch the allmiknak, for the next change in the moon. 
Contentment, in this age of the'world, either means death, 
or dekay, in the days ov Abraham, contentment was simj)ly 
ignorance. 

The world iz now full ov laming, the arts, and sciences, 
and all the thousand appliances ov reazon, these things 




j#£ 



PERFEKTLY SATISFIED. 



KONTENTMENT. 35 

make ignorance the exception, and no man haz a right tew 
cultivate contentment, enny more than he haz tew cut oph 
hiz thum, and set quietly down, and nuss the stub. 

Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show 
yu an useless one. 

What we want iz folks who won't be kontented, who 
kant be kontented, who git up in the morning, not simply to 
hav their bed made, but for the sake ov gitting tired ; not for 
the sake ov nourishing kontentment, but for the sake ov put- 
ting turpentine in sum ded place, and stiring up the animals. 

Contentment was born with Adam, and died when Adam 
ceased tew be an angel, and bekum a man. 

I don't say that a man couldn't be hatched out, and, like 
a young owl, set on a dri limb, awl hiz days, with hiz branes 
az fasst asleep az a mudturkles, and at last sneak into heaven, 
under the guize of kontentment, but i do say, that 10 genera- 
shuns ov sich men would run most of the human race into 
the ground, and leave the ballance az lifeless, and az base, as 
a currency made out ov puter ten cent pieces. 

I would like jist az well az the next man, tew crawl into 
a hole, that jist fitted me, hed fust, and thus shutting out all 
the light, be contented, for i know how awfully unsothening 
the aims, and ambishuns ov life are, but this would only be 
burying mi few tallents, and sacrificing on the ded alter ov 
kontentment, what war given me, to make a fire or a smudge 
with. 

Thare aint no sich thing as contentment and reazon exist- 
ing together; thoze who slip out ov the crowd, into sum 
alley, and pretend they are chawing the cud of sweet kontent- 
ment, the verry best specimens ov them, are no better than 
pin cushions, stuck full. 

They have jist az menny longings az ennybody, they have 
jist az menny vices, their virtews are too often simply a mix- 
tur ov jealousy and cowardice. 

Contentment is not desighned, as a stiddy bizziness, for the 
sons ov man, while on this arth. 



36 ESSAYS. 

A yeller dogg, with a tin kittle tew his tale, climbing a 
hill, at a three minit gate iz a more reazonable spektacle for 
me, than a slimy snail, contented and happy. 



MAKEIAGE. 

MARRIAGE iz a fair transaction on the face ov it. 
But thare iz quite too often put up jobs in it. 

It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, and az 
phull ov hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse. 

History holds its tounge who the pair waz who fust put 
on the silken harness, and promised tew work kind in it, 
thru thick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain 
or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or note. 

But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing 
out ov it, or so menny ov their posterity would not hav har- 
nessed up since and drov out. 

Thare iz a grate moral grip in marriage ; it iz the mortar 
that holds the soshull bricks together. 

But there ain't but darn few pholks who put their money 
in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written 
opii^un win on arth they cum to did it. 

This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov 
acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, 
when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell 
why. 

Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; 
this iz lucky. 

Sum marry for money, and — don't see it. 

Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and 
then very sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't 
no better than skimmilk. 

Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized 



MARRIAGE. 37 

tew learn that tlieir relashuns don't care a cuss for them 
afterwards. 

Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else ; 
this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel ; pride may make it 
endurable. 

Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a 
friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks 
desperate, hut it iz the strength ov the game. 

If marrying for love ain't a suckcess, then matrimony iz a 
ded beet. 

Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be skarse 
next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out. 

Sum marry tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the 
game waz one that two could play at, and neither win. 

Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gam- 
bling game, the more they put down, the less they take up. 

Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder 
whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies. 

Sum marry, they kan't tell whi, and liv, they kan't tell how. 

Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke. 

Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it care- 
ful over. 

Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and 
marry. 

Both ways are right, if they hit the mark. 

Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, 
and takes a smart missionary to do it. 

Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, 
heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance ov jure days 
tew clear oph the mortgages. 

Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it 
its flavour. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, 
bekauze every boddy expekts tew win. But i am authorized 
tew state that every boddy don't win. 

Rut, after all, married life iz full az certain az the dry 
goods bizziness. 



38 ESSAYS. 

No man kan swear exactly whare lie will fetch up when 
he touches calico. 

Kno man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind 
tew do next. 

Calico don't kno even herself. 

Dri goods ov all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis. 
. Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz 
the same, with no other name to it. 

The man who stands on the bank shivvering, and dassent, 
iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed 
fust into the river. 

Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze they won't 
they all hanker, and most ov them starve with slices ov bread 
before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit. 

Marry yung ! iz mi motto. 

I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about. 

If enny boddy asks yu whi yu got married, (if it needs be), 
tell him, yu donH reccollekt. 

Marriage iz a safe way to gamble — if yu win, yu win a 
pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privi- 
lege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet. 

I repeat it, in italicks, marry young ! 

Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, 
and that iz — a second marriage. 



FASHION'S PRAYER. 

KIND Fortune may thi mersys endure forever; smile 
thou out ov thi loving eyes upon this fine bust ov 

mine. 

Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and hiz money 
hold out to the last. 

Draw the lamb's wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz 



FASHION'S PRAYER. 39 

eyes, that mi flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and 
that mi bills may strengthen hiz pride in me. 

Bless, oh ! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let 
thi glory shine upon mi paint and powder. 

"When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate 
mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters. 

Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and 
haiivfrizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, 
and assighns forever. 

Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves 
upon the bran ov thi love. 

Blister, oh ! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man 
who treds upon the trail ov my garments. 

Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother 
me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them up to 
suit thiself. 

When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it 
with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily- 
white ov mi flesh, and the taper ov mi fingers. 

Smile thou graciously, oh ! Fortune, upon mi nu silk 
dress, now in the hands of the manty-maker, and may it fit 
me all over like unto, as the ducks foot fitteth the mud. 

Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat 
thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style. 

Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness. 

Fill both mi eyes, oh! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon 
ov infatuashun, that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as 
knumb-images graven. 

Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and! 
may mi nek swim like a goose on the buzzum ov krystal 
waters. 

Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller,-, 
and save me from all korns, and bunyons. 

Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destruck- 
shun upon thoze who would hurt a hair ov Hektor mi kitten. 

Remove far from me all the wails of the sorrowful, and. 



40 



ESSAYS. 



shield mi sensitiff 
Shed the light ov 
tin countenance on 
mi kammel's hair 
shawl, and mi neck- 
lace ov dimonds, I 
beseech thee. 

Enable the poor 
to shirk for them- 
selfs, and save me 
from all missionary 
beggars. 

I hav always ben 
a- friend to thee, 
oh Fortune, there- 
fore bless me for 
ever, and ever. 



natur from the klamours ov the widder. 




THE BIZZr BODY 



IDOIT'T mean the industrious man, intent, and constant 
in the way of duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov set- 
ting, cums clucking oph from the nest in a grate hurry, and 
full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire ; scratching a little 
here, and suddenly a little thare ; chuck full ov small things, 
like a ritch cheeze ; up and down the streets, wagging around 
evry boddy, like a lorst dorg ; in and out like a long-tailed 
mouse ; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard 
shower ; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney ; 
az fat with pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing ; as 
knowing az a tin weathercock. 

This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, 
they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint 
worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kan 
tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most pigs, 
and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last couple. 



THE BIZZY BODY. 41 

All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to vise a 
few brains to advantage, if they only knew a little less the}' 
would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend 
a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not 
confusion to the travellers. 

The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, 
hiz time, (nor noboddy else's) aint worth nothing to him, he 
will button hole an auctioneer 'on the block, or a minister in 
the pulpit, and wouldn't hesitate tew stop a phuneral pro- 
cession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar 
with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use to 
you, az a friend, than a sucked orange. 

Theze bizzy people are of awl genders — maskuline, femi- 
nine and nuter, and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az 
necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret. 

One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep 
a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more 
than a daily paper ; she iz better than the " Cook's Own 
Book," or a volume of household receipts, and works harder 
and makes more trips every day than a railroad boss on the 
Third avenue cars. 

The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly ; 
he lights on you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofita- 
ble to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry 
peddlar. 

Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets 
— never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and 
are to be feared, not trifled with ; but my bizzybody has no 
gaul in his liver ; his wmole karackter iz his face, and he 
iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter. 

They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely 
patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who 
have got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest 
sin iz not their waste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But 
time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it duz 
tew a tin watch in a toy shop window. 



42 ESSAYS. 

They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but- 
bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut 
shells, on the floor. 

Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than 
thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg — if yu git rid ov 
the fleas yu hav got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the 
dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you ? 

Bizzyness and bissness are two difirent things, altho they 
pronounce out loud similar. 

But after all i don't want tew git shut ov the Bizzy peo- 
ple ; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy 
haz got to be a noosanse, and being aktive about nothing, 
and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but iz 
10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even the grand 
larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are 
seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only 
deal in second-hand articles ; they haint got the tallent to 
invent, they seldum lie, bekauze their bizziness don't require 
it ; thare iz stale truth enuff lieing around loose for their pur- 
pose. 

Don't trust them only with what you want to have scat- 
tered, they will find a ready market for every thing that a 
prudent man would hesitate tew offer, and they always sup- 
poze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and 
gossip for wisdum. 

It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swopped off for 
the glory of telling what good people don't love to hear, and 
what viscious ones only value for the malice it contains. I 
should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a 
shilling a head to feed an anaconda with. 



FASTIDIOUSNESS. 



FASTIDIOUSNESS iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. 
I hav saw people who had rather die and be buried 
than say bull. They wouldn't hesitate tew say male cow. 



LOVE. 



43 



If the thoughts are pure and the language iz chaste, it will 
do tew sa} r almoste ennything. 

The young lady who, a fa years ago, refused tew walk 
akrost a potato field, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away 

from home, soon af ter- 

i ».i • i u^KYj AN "WHAT Noy'i\ 

wards, with a jewelry 

pedlar. 

Fastidiousness, az a 
general thing iz a holy- 
day virtew, and i hav 
frequently notissed 
that thoze individuals 
who are alwus afrade 
they shal cum akrost 
sumthing hily improp- 
er, are generally look- 
ing for it. 

Fastidiousness and 
delikasy are often kon- 
founded, but thare iz 
this difference — the 
truly delikate aint 

afrade tew take holt fastidiousness. 

ov things that they are willing tew touch at all with their 
naked hands, while the fastidious are willing tew take holt ov 
enny thing with gloves on. 

Delikasy iz the coquetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the 
prudery ov falsehood. 




LOVE. 

OYE iz one ov the pashuns, and the most difiikult one ov 
J all tew deskribe. 

I never yet hav herd love well defined. 

I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they were writ- 



4:4: ESSAYS. 

ten by thoze who were in love, (or thought they waz), and i 
wouldn't beleave such testimony, not even under oath. 

Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in 
love, and if they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribe, 
let them set down and deskribe it, and see if the person who 
listens tew the deskripshun will be satisfied with it. 

I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends 
all sed i had a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed 
me, but couldn't deskribe it. 

Xow all that i kan rekolekt about this luv sikness iz, that 
for thoze 7 long years i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a 
kondem phool than ordinary. 

Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuff tew hav, bekauze it iz 
natral ; but enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long 
years, after he gits over it, feels sumthing like the phellow 
who haz phell down on the ice when it iz verry wet — he dont 
feel like talking about it before folks. 



FEAE. 

SUM pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i 
dont. . ■ 

I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze 
who are edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike. 

Fear and courage are instinkts. 

A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full 
ov skare, hiz hare on hiz lied will git up on end, I dont kare 
how mutch edukashun yu pile on top ov it. 

The gratest kowards in the world are the men ov the most 
genius — they are the most silly kowards. 

One ov theze kind ov men will quake with fear when a 
mouse knaws in the wainskote at night, but they will face 
an earthquake next day with composure. 

I dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear.; it iz 
deth when it exhausts itself and ends in despair. 



BUTY. 45 

I am a grate koward miself, and beleave i waz born so, and 
yet tliare is nothing which i despize so mutch as kowardice. 

I would give all the other virtews i hav got (provided i 
hav got. enny), and throw in a hundred dollars in munny 
besides, for an unlimited supply ov courage. 

I would like tew hav courage enufF tew face the devil him- 
self, if he waz the least bit sassy tew to me. 

I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiss all 
the animal kreashun hav it well defined. 



BUTY. 

BUTY iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeshily for a 
woman who aint hansum. 

Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult tew define 
than buty. 

It iz a blessed thing that there ain't no rules for it, for the 
way it iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife. 

Thare iz grate power in female buty ; its viktorys reach 
klear from the Garden ov Eden down to yesterday. 

Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and 
waz the fust man tew acknowledge it. 

But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory — a mere 
perspektive to the background. 

Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and 
git phatt. 

When buty and good sense jine each other, yu hav got a 
mixtur that will stand both wet and dry weather. 

I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had 
buty enufF tew make herself hily agreeable ; but i hav seen 
3 or 4 wimmin in mi day who hadn't sense enuff tew make a 
good deal ov buty the least bit charming. 

But, az i sed before, thare ain't no posatiff rule for buty, 
and i am dredful glad ov it, for every boddy would be after 



46 ESSAYS. 

that rule, and sumboddy wouldn't git enny rule, besides run- 
ning a grate risk ov gitting jammed in the rush. 

Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint — it iz wuss, if possi- 
ble, than the nosegay disseaze. 

If there iz sitch a thing az a butiful man on earth, he haz 
mi simpathy. Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the 
only accomplishment he had waz tew blatt like a lamb. 



FAITH. 

FAITH iz the rite bower ov Hope. 
If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this 
world. We couldn't even eat hash with enny safety, if it 
want for faith. 

Human knowledge is very short, and don't reach but a 
little ways, and even that 'little ways iz twilite ; but faith 
lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan 
see tew read the letterings on the mile stuns. 

Faith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or 
sentiments ov the heart and lied put together. 

Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz 
whipped. 

But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set 
down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the 
buty ov her attributes ; but she iz the heroine ov forlorn 
Hope — she feathers her arrows with reazon, and fires rite at 
the bull's eye ov fate. 

I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attri- 
butes, i would take it all in faith — red hot faith I mean ; and 
tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing 
bizzness amung the various dri bones thare iz laying around 
loose in this world. 



BRANES. 47 

BBANES. 

BRAKES are a sort ov animal pulp, and by common 
konsent are suppozed tew be the medium ov thought. 

How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinking, 
or are the interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell ; 
and, for what i kno, this theory may be one ov thoze remark- 
able diskoverys ov man which aint so. 

Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew 
lift, i kant prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venera- 
shun tew guess at them. 

Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, 
but investigashun satisfys me that they are planted all over 
the boddy. 

I find that a dansing master's are situated in hiz heels and 
toze, while a fiddler's all center in hiz elbows. 

Sum people's branes seem tew be placed in their hands 
and fingers, which explains their grate genius for taking 
things which they kan reach. 

I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew kon^re- 
gate in the tounge ; and once in a grate while they inhabit 
the ears, and then we hav a good listener, but theze are sel- 
dum cases. 

Sum times the branes ain't enny whare in partikular, but 
all over the boddy in a minnit. These fellows are like a 
pissmire just before a hard shower, in a big hurry, and alwus 
trieing tew go 4 different ways tew once. 

Thare seems tew be kases whare thare aint enny branes at all, 
but this iz a mistake, i thought i had cum akrost one ov 
theze kind once, but after watching the pashunt for an hour, 
and see him drink 5 horns ov poor whiskey during the time, 
i had no trouble in telling whare hiz branes all lay. 

I hav finally cum tew the konclushun that branes, or sum 
thing else that iz good tew think with, are excellent tew hav ; 
but yu want tew keep yure eye on them, and not let them 
phool away their time, nor yures neither. 



48 ESSAYS. 

SPBING AND BILES. 

Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous vir- 
gin 5000 years old and upwards,hale and harty old gal, wel- 
cum tew York State, and parts adjacent ! 

Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs 
skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur 
is frisky, the earnest pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the 
nobby cockroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and " coming 
thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray 
outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his 
last year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the 
hoarse shanghigh, bawling in the" barnyard. 

Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor 
chats with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless 
toward the school. These things are all fust rate in their place, 
but spring brings pesky Mies, and plants them carelessly, 
sometimes among the maiden's charms, and sometimes among 
the young men's. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, 
just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me, almost 
reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az 
a broken heart. 

Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az 
kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. 
Biles alwiis pick out the handyest place on youre boddy tew 
bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it 
only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. 
Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. 
They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till 
they hav got their fill. 

Biles are az old az religion. Job, the promt, waz the first 
champion ov biles, and he iz currently rej)orted tew hav more 
biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, 
two very rare things to be found, in enny man. 

Biles and pashunce ! i should as soon think ov mixing 
courting and muskeeter s together, for luxury. 



SPRING AND BLISS. 49 

I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but 
i hain't got enough faith in biles, i wouldn't trust a bile, 
even on one ov mi boots. 

I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sum- 
times iz an evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz 
only numbness, but i don't thinkin these smoothe shod times 
it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov 
them. 

But i am out ov the road, i must git back onto biles agin. 

If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight 
and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go 

to the . Biles are very sassy ; sumtimes when yer go to 

set down, they will get between yer and the chair ; this iz one 
evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant her- 
self on the f runt end of mi nose, which was a most remarkabel 
piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze enny- 
where fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it 
covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy , and i guess 
they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's 
nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy — i am 
willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal ov 
helthy — but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in 
order to be helthy, i should think that i was bulling the mar- 
ket. 

There iz one more smart thing about biles ; they are like 
twins ; they hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them 
to throw double sixes. 

What ! twelve biles on one man at a time ! This is wus 
than fighting bumblebees with your summer clothes on. 

Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers o v the land, 
to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she 
wants to spare. This is so without doubt, but it don't strike 
me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew shov oph her biles 
onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care ov their 
own biles. 

But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean 



50 



ESSAYS. 



names current amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and 

spit on them, groan, 
grin and swear when 
they visit yer, hit them 
over the head and set 
on them if yer pleaze, 
there iz a time in their 
career when they con- 
centrate aul the pathos 
ov joy that a man haz 
on hand to spare, and 
that iz — when they 
bust ! 

This iz bliss, glory, 
and revenge on the haff 
shell. A man leans 
back in rektified com- 
fort, az innocent and az 
limber az a mermaid. 

CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR ON BILES. This paVS for tlie 

fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz been 
hatching. Exit Biles. 




TIGHT BOOTS. 

I WOULD jist like to kno who the man waz who fust 
invented tite hoots. 

He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss. 

If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz en- 
joying grate agony ov sum kind. 

I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but gener- 
ally could manage to make them average; but thare iz no 
sich thing az making a pair of tite boots average. 

Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be hum 
ble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will 
make a good husband. 



; TIGHT BOOTS. 51 

Oil ! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an 
anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome 
wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous 
ockashun. 

Oh ! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings 
all the tite boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 
winds ov heaven. 

Oh ! for the buty ov Yenus, tew make a bigg foot look han- 
sum without a tite boot on it. 

Oh ! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite 
boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more 
pinchfull. 

Oh ! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a moun- 
tain. 

I have been led into the above assortment ov OKs ! from 
having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number 
nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them. 

Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog's noze the fust time he wears 
a muzzle. 

I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth. 

I liv in hopes they will. 

I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in 
this way, but ihav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs 
more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes 
a bigg foot for a small one. 

Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the 
devil ; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit 
for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots. 

I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times dur- 
ing mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled 
agin, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk 
ake from a suddin attak ov tite boots. 

But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever 
wear ; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have 
to go barefoot to do it. 

I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more. 



52 ESSAYS. 

Eazy boots iz one of the luxurys ov life, but i f orgit what 
the other luxury iz, but i don't kno az i care, provided i kau 
git rid ov this pair ov tite boots. 

Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what 
they kost, and if they don't make his feet ake wuss than an 
angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay for them. 

Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kail to mind now 
who could hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed 
them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, 
but life now days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness 
to phool away enny ov it on tite boots. 

Tite boots are an insult to enny man's understanding. 

He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the 
corn. 

Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, 
and promiskious cussing. 

Beware ov tite boots. 



THE LAM AND THE DOVE. 

THE lam iz a juvenile sheep. 
They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov 
them die just az soon az green peas cum. 

Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam. 

Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won't bight, nor skratch, 
nor talk sassy. 

They don't kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on 
the grass, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and 
hav phun generally. 

I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i 
luv lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. 
This may look like oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments 
enny how. 

Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i 
had a good deal ov lam it wouldn't diskourage me. 



THE LAM AND THE DUV. 53 

Mary waz a good girl — an ornament tew her sekt. 

Mary's lam waz a good lam — an ornament tew hiz or her 
sekt, i don't remember which. 

It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn 
fakts. 

When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immejiately bekum 
a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them. 

There ain't mutch poetry in mutton. 

Sheep are mutton. 

Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious. 

When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozes 
most all ov its lamness. 

This fakt iz too well known tew require an affldavid. 

The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are 
wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things 
am. 

It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed 
ov should be for sale. 

It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this 
world — it iz too often brought to the shambles. 

I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop grow- 
ing when he got to be about 8 weeks old ; but then, cum tew 
think ov it, this would make mutton awful skarse. 

It would also make lams dredf ul plenty. 

It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed 
since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az 
lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin. 

The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi na- 
tur, but short bi desighn. 

During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, 
and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in 
the bud. 

Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the re- 
sponsibility jist whare it belongs, lam's tails are kut oph bi 
man. 

This iz a mean thing for man to do ; but man iz capable ov 
doing dredful mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man. 



54 



ESSAYS. 



LOVB 



Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az lie 
phinds it. 

Lams are ov the mail and f email perswashun. 

Thare are none ov 
the animals, that i 
kan remember ov 
now, that are ov the 
nuter gender except 
the mule. 

I hav often seen 
men ov the nuter 
jender. If yu don't 
beleave this, cum 
down whare i liv and 
i will point them out 
to you. 

The femail lam iz 
the dearest little 
package ov inno- 
sense and buty 
known to natralists. 
/ h/N C EN OB A femail lam iz'mi 

the lam and duy. pride and hope. I 

luv the whole entire congregashun ov them. The mail lam 
soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov their 
heds, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, 
theze horns are a hard thing tew kontradicket. 

I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into 
splinters with one bio ov their horns. 
This iz terrible if true. 

The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram. 
The lam iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coating 
called wool, from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from 
whitch yarn iz sed to be spun. 

There iz a grate deal ov yarn spun in this world that haz 
no wool in it ; theze yarns are called phibs. 




THE DUV. 55 

Pliibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted 
in water kullers. 

Thare haz been more pliibs in market since the formasliun 
ov man than thare haz been truth. 

Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are' 
alwus dangerous. 

Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth. 

Look out for them. 

Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lem- 
onade drinkers, with a leetle port wine in it just for effekt, hav 
been known tew bekum our most reliable whiskee drinkers. 



THE DUV. 

THE duv iz the lam amung birds. 
They are az harmless az a dandy lion. 

They don't do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and 
coo. 

They luv each other like a nu married kupple. 

The duv alwus hav. a good appetight ; they will eat from 
dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn't eat sum 
more. 

They are a long lived burd, and like the bumble bee, are the 
biggest when they are born. 

I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age. 

They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the 
multiplikashun table. 

They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav 
got tew hav a good menny ov them. 

The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov ^Toahs 
pets, when he sailed. 

The fust duv he sent out ov the ark. brought bak an olive^ 



56 ESSAYS. 

branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn't bring 
bak enny thing. 

She even forgot tew cum bak herself. 

Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, 
and the one he sent out, and the one he had on hand, must 
hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov 
the duv. 

The duv iz more ornamental than useful. 

They are too inosent tew be very useful. 

Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness. 

I hav known haff a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, 
and make themselves useful for a f u minnitts. 

I don't hate duv pies. 

The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense. 

The bible tells us, " to be az wize az a sarpent, but harmless 
as a duv." 

This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness. 

Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be 
az harmless az a duv. 

The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man's natur iz a 
good dose. 

If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew 
overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he 
aint apt tew cook things enuff. 

The duv iz a homemade kritter ; they are as effeckshionate 
as a cockroach iz. 

The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they 
are apt tew do it. 

Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points ; but i 
wouldn't like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want 
enny thing else but duvs and lams. But this place aint laid 
down on enny of the maps in this world. 

Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredf ul 
unsartin. 

I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew 
make the good things more desirable, and all things that are 
natral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient. 



THE OLD BACHELOR. 57 

THE OLD BACHELOR 

ACIIEONICK old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nuter 
gender, i don't care how mutch he may offer tew bet 
that it ain't so. 

They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov 
soaking before they will do to use. 

I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse for 
their nuterness ; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry ; 
this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain't 
fit to hav a nice woman. 

Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan't travel az fast 
az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard 
tew ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched. 

A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog 
gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and 
often make the best ov wives. 

When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a 
mown daizy. 

Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning in- 
to fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a 
cradle. 

The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way 
from which they are going, or set down on the grass and 
whissell sum lively tune till the flirt cums round. 

Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more 
than even, by making the old bachelors. 

A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have 
a grate quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman's natur, 
and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness. 

Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel ; they hav got 
tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov 
their capital at the fust swop. 

Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sum 
more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being man- 
ufackterd out ov dissapointed love. 

This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man's staying out in 



58 ESSAYS. 

the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekanze he 
haz made up hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich a place whare 
he knows the water iz over hiz hed, when if he would go a 
little further up or down the creek, he would find the cross- 
ing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to 
beckon him acrost. 

Dissapointed luv must-ov course be all on one side, and 
this ain't enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than 
it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov 
spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one 
pop. 

Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they 
fear the burden ov a family. 

This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it ; 
the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the 
grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing 
so mutch to the pound. 

An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz 
relief from anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat 
past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain't a more 
anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are char- 
cole sketches, ov boarding-school misses ; he dresses, greases 
hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and 
corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits 
laffed at for hiz pains. 

I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years 
old, and cum very near dieing a dozen times. I had more 
sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a 
heap ; i waz in a lively fever all the time. 

If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and 
self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and 
generally makes a good specimen ov the critters ; but what 
more disgusting traits can a man have than these ?— and thare 
iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the 
fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints 
so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes. 

There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus 



HORNS. 59 

far, that i think could hav bin an old bachelor and done the 
subjekt justiss, and he waz Adam; but since Adam saw fit to 
open the ball, i hold it iz every man's duty to selekt a part- 
ner, and keep the dance hot. 



HOEKS. 

IK writing the biographi ov horns, i am astonished tew 
find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their 
pedigree and pretenshuns. 

" Cajpe Horn" — Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to 
man. 

It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, 
and gores the oshun. 

Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, 
which hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the 
sea for a grate distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens 
the vessells that go by thare, and makes them rare and pitch 
tremenjus. 

This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont 
seem tew be ov enny use, only tew make folks go out ov 
their way tew git round it. 

"Horn ov a dilemma." — Dilemma iz derived from the 
Siamese verb " diloss" which means a tite spot, and haz a 
horn on each end ov it. 

Thare iz no choice in theze two horns ; if yu seize one ov 
them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either 
both of them may pitch into you. 

I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives 
out, mi rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs 
with mi whole grit. 

Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz 
alwus a good fite if yu git licked the tenth. 

Tu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the 
only way iz tew advance in and fight for the gross amount. 

" Covfs Horn." — Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked 



60 



ESSAYS. 



or strate, worn bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, for 
ornament in times ov peace, and used when they go into war 
tew stab with. 

Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord. 
At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the 
horn next tew the hed, and each year after a fresh ring iz 
born. 

In this way the cows kno how old they are. 
Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off 
onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only 

happens tew very old 
cows. 

I never knu it tew 
happen in mi life, and 
I dont think it ever 
did, it iz one ov them 
venerable lies that are. 
handed down fro m 
father to son, just tew 
keep the stock ov lies 
from running out. 

When I waz a boy 

and had just begun 

tew chew tobacco, i 

waz told that butter 

cum from the cow's 

horn — I hav since 

found out that this iz 

another cussed old lie. 

This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz 

sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew 

covet what aint undoubtedly so. 

" Dinner-Horn" — This is the oldest, and most sakred horn 
thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays "Home, Sweet 
Home" about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more 
rapturous delite, than ever Graffula's band haz. Yu kan 
hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman's guns. It 




HORNS. 61 

will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriffs 
warrent. It kan outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the 
deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old 
instrument ! long may yure lungs last ! 

" Ham's Horn" — A spiral root, that emerges suddenly 
from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies 
untill it reaches a tip end. Ham's horns are alwus a sure 
sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with, but with out 
enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a 
deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old 
deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post 
holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz 
boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot, 
az a banter for a fight. 

Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram 
went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust 
shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian. 

The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a 
heels-over-hed moshun. 

Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, 
the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * 
"yu darned — old cuss," and then all at once remembering 
that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying — 
"that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun." 

The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made 
tew the ram. 

" Whisky Horn." — This horn varys in length, but from 
three to six inches iz the favorite size. 

It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur. 

It iz really more pugnashus than the ram's horn; six 
inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm. 

When it knoks a man down it holds him thare. 

It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the 
iniquity that iz travelling around. 

It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants 
of children. 

It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited 



62 ESSAYS. 

more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put 
together. 

" Horn Comb" — This simple little unsophistikated instru- 
ment haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children. 

I don't mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it 
haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their 
skalps. 

It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good 
appetite. 

It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz 
az thorough az a sarch warrent. 

It iz an emblem of faith and neatness. 

When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, 
hung up and labeled, " Well done old mouser." 

I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb 
with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It 
reminds me ov mi boyhood, aud the boyish things that waz 
running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and 
innocence. 

Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint 
got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the 
"Powder Horn," the "Horn ov the Bull Head," and the 
"Horn ov Plenty;" and there iz also "Horn Tooke," a 
celebrated writer ov hiz day ; but good-by for the present. 



KISSING. 

I HAY written essays on kissing before this one, and they 
didn't satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the 
more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will 
reduce his ignorance tew a science. 

Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov 
a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny 
more than yu kan a peach. 

Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how 



KISSING. 63 

a kiss tastes, liaint got enny more real flavor tew liis mouth 
than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn't hesitate tew 
deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass. 

The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then 
set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips. 

If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking 
another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man. 

I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz 
in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about 
it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry 
when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their 
own, and think they hav found out how. 

. I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional 
kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a 
humming bird tew her roost. 

I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, 
that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, 
that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing 
to eat. 

Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az 
robbin a bird's nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about 
az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dande- 
lions. 

The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind 
that must do it, or spile. 

If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the au 
thor ov the first kiss ; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz 
anonymous. 

But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language 
without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much 
honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a 
mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good 
purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss. 

Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew 
a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the 
garden of Eden. 

Adam wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pass sich a hand. 



64 ESSAYS. 

I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan 
date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it. 

. I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist 
enny boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like 
drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of 
proving sumthing else. 

I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage 
adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew 
stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint 
got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing 
stones tew a mark. 

I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov 
Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts ; they kist every 
time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately 
thought ov sumthing else they hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for 
the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what 
they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It 
waz a which, and tother, scene. 

Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the 
game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two 
females kissing each other ; but i don't think thare iz much 
pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order ; and 
two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov dead- 
beatery. 

Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin 
seems to be az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with ; 
and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering 
ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise 
drop oph, or be stolen. 

Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner 
that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz 
only tew be had once in a phellow's life, in the original pack- 
age, and that iz when ... 

Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best 
not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no 
person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what 
kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi 
help. 



CONNUBIAL BLISS 



hi 'life 




Scene 2d. — A spanking- breeze in the Nursery. (64) 



WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHAHMING. 



65 



"WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHAKMING." 

WHAT i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little. 
Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with 
the abuv name, and altho i haven't had time tew peerose it 
yet, i don't hesitate tew pronounse it bully. 

Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and thare- 
fore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, 
and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharm- 
ing. 

A.pharm,(now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse 
more bukwheat, and 
pumkins, run on the- 
ory, than it would 60 
years ago, run with 
manure, and hard 
knoks. 

Thare iz nothing like 
book laming, and the 
time will evventually 




cum, when a man, 
won't hav tew hav only 
one ov " Josh Billing's 
Farmers'' Allmanax" 
to run a farm, or a 
kamp meeting with. 

Even now it aint 
unkommon, tew see 
three, or four, hired 
men, on a farm, with 

. „ BLOWING. 

three, or four, spans ov 

oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, 

and reads himself up for the days' ploughing. 

If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would 
rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized 
on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, 
and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents.. 
5* 



06 ESSAYS. 

Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, 
ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) and 
they han, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so 
plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, 
and profitable bizzness. 

Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint noth- 
ing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops. 

When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, 
az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out 
agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which 
remarks, " menny are called, but few are chosen." 

I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum 
theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, 
phurnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, 
out of 12, for mi share ov the profits, and the other phellow, 
paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share. 

By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the 
year. 

What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and 
i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that 
if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't 
start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ. 

If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, 
the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty 
mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what 
he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees. 

I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with super- 
stishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last 
quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with 
science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had 
the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see 
if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post- 
holes. 

This iz what i call running science into the ground. 

The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, 
except in praktiss ; they are too often designed tew do the 
work ov praktiss. 



WHAT I KNOW ABOUT PHARMING. 67 

Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at 
him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, 
and brake him, just as yu would split a log. 

"What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, 
but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer once. 

I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direk- 
shuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits. 

I then sot down, and thought the thing over. 

I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treat- 
iss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kick- 
ing heifer trade. 

I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking 
kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, 
and writing the thing up. 

I got up from my reflekskuns strengthened, and went for 
that heifer. 

I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things 
i did, but i went in to win, and won. 

That heifer never bekum a cow. 

This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man 
haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and 
tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up 
hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef 
than she iz for theoretick milk. 

I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that 
thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no 
theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of 
honest labour applied tew the sile. 

I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu 
things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often. 

I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by ther 
ory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a f u years, and i never 
knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the 
good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed 
down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing 
brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze. 

"What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and 
experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss. 



68 ESSAYS. 

I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, 
than the experiense — even ov Methuseler. 

Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but 
yn kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff. 

Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the 
experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself. 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 

QTJ. — Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, 
limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated 
harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a livery ed 
coachman ? 

Ans. — Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, 
hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and 
grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself " poor old hoss." 

Qu. — Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say 
that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz 
skase ? 

Ans. — I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never 
herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor 
a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous 
one konplain about the high price of happiness. 

Qu. — Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the 
falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the 
bliss thare waz in being boss ov one's self? 

Ans. — It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az 
tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was 
saying it. 

Qu. — Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite 
sirkles, who didn't hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn't bored 
suckcessfully for ile himself ? 

Ans. — If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff 
yu at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with 
seedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust klass 
meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds 



WHISSLING. 69 

tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous 
individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep 
shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other. 

Qu. — Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situa- 
tion in Nu York Sitty ? 

Ans. — Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. 
Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with sus- 
picion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they 
either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are 
too stingy to buy a bottle ov " Bolivards's oil ov seduktion," 
warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip. 

Qu. — Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been 
invented yet to bring up a boy ? 

Ans. — Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is 
a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the 
rod and a gin mill. 

Qu.^-Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a 
part ov a man's constitushun and bye laws ? 

Ans. — Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and 
subsist on the milk. 

Qu. — How fast duz sound travel ? 

Ans. — This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the 
noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for 
instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invita- 
shun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters 
ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav 
strength enuff left tew be heard. 



WHISSLING. 

I HAY spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew 
find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am 
just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz. 

I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat 
the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand 



70 



ESSAYS. 



strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, 
iz az hard for me tew say, az mi prayers in lo dutch. 

Whissling iz a wind 
instrument, and iz did 
bi puckring up the 
mouth, and blowing 
through the hole. 

Thare aint no tune 
on the whole earth 
but what kan be 
played on this instru- 
ment, and that sele- 
brated old tune, 
Yankeedoodle haz bin 
almost whissled tew 
deth. 

Grate thinkers are 
not apt tew be good 
whisslers, in f a k t, 
when a man kant 
think ov nothing, 
then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz 
a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a 
sharp, well puckered whissell. 

Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz 
plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz 
took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement. 
If i had a boy, who couldn't whissell, i don't want tew be 
understood, thati should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up 
for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew 
whissell fnst rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate 
game ov kards. 

I wouldn't force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral 
inclinashun. 

Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i 
don't kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a 
good deal like crowing in a hen. 




J>^^ 



WHISSLING. 



WHISSLING. 71 

Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do. 
I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew 
do herself justiss. 

A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa 
let each one ov them stik tew their trade. 

Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing es- 
peshily if it iz well did. 

But i want it well understood that i am the last man on 
reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if 
she waz certain she had the right pucker for it. 

I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitu- 
shun. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these 
two accomplishments denote vigor. 

Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger — this they 
do to keep the f raid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus 
konsidered whissling the next best thing to a handle to go 
down cellar with in the nite time. 

The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the ne- 
groes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the ac- 
complishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny 
darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a 
worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger. 

I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty 
thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing 
which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz mas- 
ter, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters 
that live. 

It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to im- 
possible to phool him the sekond time. 

I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a 
good whissler. 

I wouldn't want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should 
expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove 
the mortgage miself. 

Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm. 

A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good 
for nothing else, and tho whissling may keep a man from git- 
ting lonesum, it wont keep him from gitting ragged. 



72 * ESSAYS. 

I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, 
and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth 
that will make a man so lazy and useless, without aektually 
killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness. 

Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences 
ov sum genius, but either of them will unlit a man for doing 
a good square day's work. 



HOTELS. 

HOTELS are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the 
married man's retreat, and the bachelor's fireside. 

They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European 
plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all. 

A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz 
bizzness and means to do hiz duty. 

He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler 
draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife's 
father when he waz living, and yure wife's fust husband, but 
he don't speak about him. 

He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears 
yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the ser- 
vants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a 
shirt collar az stiff az broken china. 

A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same 
time be a miserable landlord. 

Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), 
but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept 
on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept 
in the country during a six-days' jury trial for killing sumbod- 
dy's yello dorg. 

A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and 
ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing. 

I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it 
alwus makes the swares, wuss. 



HOTELS. 73 

It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness 
ov hash az ministers go into the prof esshun, with the very best 
ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks. 

I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the 
tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but 
to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and 
see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the 
house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell 
John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars 
and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ova traveler 
and let him went. 

This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) 
in most cases. 



Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov 
about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick 
Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line : 

Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelo- 
gramly. 

It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are em- 
ployed bi the lawyers and judges. 

Yure room iz on the uttermost floor. 

The carpet iz ingrain — ingrained with the dust, kerosene 
ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns. 

Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov 
them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing. 

The buro haz three legs, and one brick. 

The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost 
their grip. 

Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain 
water in the pitcher cum out ov the well. 

The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a, whetstone. 

The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with 
spots. 

Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all 
three are busted. 

Thare iz a match-box, empty. 



74: ESSAYS. 

Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don't want to 
be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in % 

The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the 
ceiling. 

The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one 
cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az 
a sea biskitt. 

Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once, 
az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron. 

The bed iz inhabited. 

Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal. 

For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to 
melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two 
inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log. 

Bread solid, beef stake about az thikaz a blister plaster, and 
so tuff az a hound's ear. 

Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on 
one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another. 

A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one with, 
out enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one 
with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it. 

Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, 
and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee. 

Yu say " JVb mom, i thank yu" and push back yure chair. 

Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth. 



I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be 
and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could 
keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum 
landlords i have visited with. 

Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man 
pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married 
him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the 
kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, 
whare the beds fit a man's back like the feathers on a goose, 
and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure 
mother had fried them. 



LAFEING. TO 



Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel 
around the country ; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a 
thanksgiving pudding, but alass ! yes, alass ! they are az unplen- 
ty az double-yelked eggs. 



LAFFING. 

ANATOMIKALLY konsidered, laffing iz the sensashun 
ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in 
one spot. 

Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 
commandments. 

Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick's pills 3 pills 
in the game. 

Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in 
existence. 

Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the 
whole. 

Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing 
tew drink. 

Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from enny- 
thing else az it is from itself. 

Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and 
sum boddy. 

Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul. 

Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows 
the premises. 

Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az 
a spring bi the road-side. 

Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe 
lantern. 

Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving prop- 
ertys ov a hot whiskee puntch. 

But this iz too big talk for me ; theze flatulent words waz 
put into the dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew 



76 ESSAYS. 

use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell 
with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires. 

But i don't intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for 
laffing on the half-shell. 

Laffiing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat 
iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when he wants tew. 

Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu 
kan the heekups. 

If a man hanH laff there iz sum mistake made in putting 
him together, and if he wonH laff he wants az mutch keeping 
away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot. 

I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for 
their own good or for ennyboddy else's ; they laft like a barrell 
ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream. 

This is a grate waste ov natral juice. 

I have seen other people who didn't laif enuif tew giv 
themself s vent ; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that 
waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away 
on the sly 

Thare ain't neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never 
ought tew be pattented. 

Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about half- 
way between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when 
he feels hiz oats, and don't exackly kno what ails him. 

Theze pholks don't enjoy a laff enny more than the man 
duz hiz vettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole. 

A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed. 

Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, 
one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer 
barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov 
beer around loose. 

Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized ; it cums out 
ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz 
in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then 
dies in a simper. 

This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and 



LAEFING. 77 

dont mean ennything ; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a 
laff. 

Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the 
heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as 
spring water iz for a trout. 

Thare iz one kind ov a laif that i always did reckommend ; 
it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it 
kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the 
mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then 
it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around 
in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up the 
whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it 
swims oph on the air! with a peal az klear and az happy az a 
dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an 
angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov 
violets in the heart whare it cum from. 

Thare iz another laif that noboddy kan withstand ; it iz 
just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, 
it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles 
and twists him like a whiskce pi lit, it lifts him up oph from 
hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, 
it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him 
az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a 
Hushing bath and forgot tew be took out. 

This kind ov a laif belongs tew jolly good phellows who 
are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az 
a gall who iz going tew be married to-morrow. 

In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but 
don't laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain't nothing in this 
world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more 
hollow than a hartless one. 

When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize 
tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu 
waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yure false hair with 
both hands aud then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested. 

But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter 
time. 



78 



ESSAYS. 



HOSS SENSE. 

There is nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz so 

skarse as good Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power. 

I don't mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan 

run a mile in 1:28 
and then brake 
down; nor trot in 
2:13, and good for 
nothing afterwards, 
only to brag on ; but 
I mean the all-day 
hoss sense, that iz 
good for 8 miles an 
hour, from rooster 
crowing in the morn- 
ing, until the cows 
cum home at night, 
klean tew the end 
ov the road. 

I hav seen fast 
sense, that was like 
sum hoses, who 
could git so far in 
one day that it would 

take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I don't mean 

this kind nuther. 

Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash well, wear 

well, iron out without wrinkling, and take starch without 

kracking. 

Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but they 

never find it a good deal ; uncommon sense iz ov the nature of 

genius, and all genius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, 

like hens eggs, for the hunting. 

Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest 

things in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, 

it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik bread, alwus in tune, 

either hot from the oven or 8 days old. 




ORATION. 



SILENCE. 79 

Common sense kan be improved upon by edukashun — 
genius kan be too, sum, but not much. 

Edukashun 'gauls genius like a bad setting harness. 

Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the 
pot, and it is good nex day warmed up. 

If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph 
az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would 
git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame. 

Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don't make enny 
blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or 
going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it. 

Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum 
magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to 
good hoss sense. 



SILENCE. 

Silence is a still noise. 

One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep 
still. 

Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what 
fills the world with nonsense. 

Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and no- 
boddy wants tew listen. 

The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are the 
magpie and ginny hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch 
account. 

If a man ain't sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz 
a blank one. 

I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by 
just nodding his hed once in a while and simply say, "jess so, 
jess so" 

It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one 
will clinch it. 

Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all day long, in 
a haff bushel meazzure. 



80 ESSAYS. 

Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwus gits az mutch 
credit az iz due it, and oftimes more. 

When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi- 
self, " look oid, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure." 

I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not 
git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a 
bark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round. 

I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and 
evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps 
on mi boots. 

I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum 
so phull ov it that i couldn't draw a long breth without start- 
ing a button. 

Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to say- 
ing nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game. 

One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan 
afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet 
published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny 
ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without 
hurting them. 

Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back 
upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz 
eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less. 

A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken 
any time. 

Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the 
old man. 



BKAYEEY. 

TEUE bravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch 
a part and parcel of a man's every day life az hiz clothes 
iz. 

Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from princi- 
ple not impulse, and when no one sees him he iz just az he- 
roik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the multitude. 



DISPATCH. 81 

Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, 
and if it wan't for its spurs and cockade wouldn't amount tew 
mutch. 

It iz not bravery to face what we kan't dodge, but it iz 
true courage tew face all things that are honest and dodge 
nothing. 

True bravery exists amung the lowly just az mutch az amung 
the grate, and a man really haz no more right tew expekt 
praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue. 

It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than 
it duz tew win a battle. 

He who fills to the brim the stashun in life, which nature 
or fortune haz given him, iz a hero ; i don't kare whether he 
iz a peasant on the hillside, or chief tian in the tented field. 

The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been 
among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possess^ 
ed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it. 

When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don't 
go tew the pages ov history ; i kan find them in among the' 
bipaths ov every day life, i hav known them tew liv out 
their lives and die without enny reckord here ; but hereafter, 
when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among 
the jewels. 



DISPATCH. 

DISPATCH iz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. 
To do a thing right, and to do it quick iz. an attribute 
ov genius. 

Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz just az 
much difference az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire 
when they are both ov them on duty. 

A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire 
alwus travels just as tho he had forgot sumthing. 

Hurry works from morning until night,, but works on. a 
tred-wheel. 

H 



82 ESSAYS. 

Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the 
course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while 
hurry travels like a blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and 
spends most ov her time in running into things, and the bal- 
lance in backing out agin. 

Dispatch iz alwus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry 
iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so 
fast in the lied, they keep their owner alwus dizzy. 

Hurry iz a good phellow tew phite bumble bees, whare, if yu 
hav ever 'so good a plan, yu kant make it work well. 

Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in 
this world, while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, 
and haint got thru yet. 



HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE. 

FIND a girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right 
hight, with a blue eye, and dark-brown hair and white 
teeth. 

Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik, a 
firm disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same 
family. 

Look well tew the karakter ov her father ; see that he is 
not the member ov enny klub, don't bet on elekshuns, and 
gits shaved at least 3 times a week. 

Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov 
good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat 
sum ov her hum-made bread and apple dumplins, notiss 
whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don't fail tew observe 
whether her dresses are last year's ones fixt over. 

If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right 
kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely kon kind e that the dau- 
ter would make the right kind of a wife. 

After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done 
a reazonable amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her 



HOW TEW 1MK OUT A WATEKMELLON. 



83 



T/^y THAT fOR^Wfo 
TO E*op* AW F , b , _ ^ 



heart and hand; and if she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself 
enchered. 

If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, 
without any fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances. 

I say take the 
chances, for thare 
aint no resipee for a 
perfekt wife, enny 
more than thare iz for 
a perfekt husband. 

Thare iz just az 
menny good wifes 
az thare iz good hus- 
bands, and i never 
knew two people, 
married or single, 
who were determin- 
ed tew make them- 
self s agreeable to 
each other, but what 
they suckceeded. 

1ST ame yure oldest 
boy sum good stout 
name, not after sum 

hero, but should the first boy be a girl, i ask it az a favour to 
me that yu kaul her Rebekker. 

I do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned, tuff girl names 
revived and extended. 




HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATEBMELLOK 

SUMTIME about the 20th ov August, more or less, when the 
moon iz entering her seckond quarter, and the old kitchen 
klock haz struk twelve midnite, git up and dres yureself, 
without making enny noize, and leave the hous bi the bak 
door, and step lightly akross the yard, out into the hiway, 
and turn tew yure right. 



84 ESSAYS. 

After going about haff a mile, take your fust left hand 
road, and when yu cum tew a bridge, cross it, and go thru a 
pair ov bars on the right, walk about two hundred yards in a 
south-east direckshun. and yu will cum suddenly on a water- 
mellon patch. 

Pik out a good, dark-colored one, with the skin a leetle 
ruffish ; be kareful not to injure enny ov the vines by step- 
ping on them ; shoulder the watermellon, and retrace yure 
steps, walking about twice az fast az yu did when yu cum 
out. 

Once in a while look over yure shoulder too see if the 
moon is all right. When yu reach hum, bury the water- 
mellon in the ha mow and slip into bed, just as tho nothing 
had happened. 

This is an old-fashioned, time-honored way, tew pik out 
a good watermellon, just the way our fathers and grand- 
fathers did it. 

After yu hav et the watermellon tare up the resipee. 

I am not anxious tew hav this resipee preserved, but i dont 
want it forgotten. 

One watermellon during yure life is ennff to pik out in this 
way. 

Dont do it but jist once, and then be kind ov sorry for it 
afterwards. 

Menny people will wonder and worry whare the moral 
cums in, in this sketch, and it is hard tew tell ; but i will 
venture to say that thare aint a prominent moralist in Amerika 
but has picked out his watermellon by this resipee, sum-time 
during his life, and will tell you that he remembers favour- 
ably the spirit ov adventure that promted the undertaking, 
and never kan forgit the sober sense ov shame that followed it. 



D 



HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG. 

OGS are gitting dredful skase, and if yu dont pik one 
out putty soon, it will be forever too late. 



HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG. 85 

I hay written daring my yunger days, when I knu a good 
deal more than i do now, or ever shal kno agin, an essa onto 
do£S, and in that essa i klaimed that the best kind ov a dog 
for all purposes for a man tew hav was a wodden dog. 

The experience ov years don't seem tew change mi opinyun, 
and i now, az then, reckomend the wodden dog. 

Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden 
dog kan be made hily so, after enny pattern or desighn that 
a kultivated taste may suggest. 

If the wodden dog iz made with the bark on, so mutch the 
better ; for we are told bi thoze who studdy sich things that 
dogs which bark never bight. 

Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, 
like flesh and blood dogs do, and don't kost 5 or 10 dollars 
reward each time tew make them cum bak hum agin. 

Wodden dogs don't hav the old hydrophobiskiousness ; 
neither are they running round, and round, and round, and 
round after them selfs, trieing tew ketch up with a wicked flea, 
who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at the dog's — 
continuashun. 

Thare ain't no better watch dog in the world than the 
wodden one. Yu set them tew watching enny thing, they 
will watch it for 3 years, and they aint krazy, and want tew 
jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just happen tew 
hear a boy out in the streets whissling " Yankee Doodle " or 
"Sally Cum Up." 

Wodden dogs won't stretch themselfs out in front ov the 
fire place, taking up all the hot room, nor they won't fly at a 
harmless old beggar man, who only wants a krust, and tare 
him all tew little bits in a minnitt. 

If yu want tew pik out a good dog, pik out a wodden one, 
they range in price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar 
ackording tew the lumber in them, old age don't make them 
kross and useless, and if they do happen tew loze, a hed, or a 
leg, in sum skrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings gin, taken at 
night, jist before they retire will fetch them out all strait, in 
the morning. 



86 ESSAYS. 

HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT. 

THE hardest thing, in every day life, iz tew pik out a 
good kat, not bekause kats are so skase, az bekauze they 
are so plenty. 

If thare want but 2 kats on earth, thare wouldn't be no 
trouble, yu would pik one and the other phellow would pik 
one, and that would end the contest. 

To pik out a good kat, one that will tend tew bizzness and 
not astronomize nights, nor praktiss operatik strains, iz an 
evidence ov genius. 

I don't luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have 
picked a kitten out ov*a swill barrel before now with a pair 
of tongs, just tew save life. 

Color iz no kriterion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats 
ov all Colors. 

Kats with blue eyes, and very long whiskers, with the 
points ov their ears' a leetle rounded are not to be trusted 
they will steal yung chickens, and hook kream oph from the 
milk pans, every good chanse they kan git. 

Kats with gra eyes, very short whiskers, and four white 
toes, are the best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen 
stove all day, and be stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts. 

Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharp pointed 
ears, are liabel tew phitts. 

Picking out good kats .haz alwus bin a mighty cluss tran- 
sackshun from the fust begining, the best way haz alwus ben 
tew take them without enny picking, jist az they cum, and 
let them go, jist az they cum. 



LOST AETS. 

SUM ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav 
writ essays on the " Lost Arts," and hav did comparatiifiy 
well, but they hav overlooked several ov the missing artikles, 



LOST ARTS. 87 

wliitcli i take the liberty, (in a strikly confidenshall way) tew 
draw their attenshun to. 

" Pumpkin PIP — This delitesum work ov art iz, (or rather 
was) a triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled 
pumpkin. 

It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 
1680, by Angelica, the notable wife ov Khehoboam Beecher, 
then residing in the rural town ov !Nii Guilford, State of Connec- 
ticut, but since departed this life, aged 84 years , 3 months, 6 
daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts. 

Peace tew her dust. 

This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, pro- 
ceeded into general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hun- 
dred years. 

In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst. 

This pi hain't bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin 
offered for its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but 
it haz undoubtedly fled forever. 

Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loaf- 
ing around, but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is 
no more. 

" Pum and Tanzy" — Good old Ku England rum with 
tanzy bruized in it, waz known to our ancients, and drank by 
the deacons and the elders ov our churches, a century ago. 

It iz now one ov the lost arts. 

A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out 
ov bed in the morning, then a haff a pint jist before sitting 
down tew breakfast, then thru the day, at stated intervals, a 
haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov it just before retiring at 
nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew shake oph the yoke 
ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the majestik 
tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. 
But, alass ! oh, alass ! we once had spirits ov just men made 
perfek, but we hav now, (o alass !) spirits ov the dam. 

One half -pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a 
deacon in twenty minitts. 

Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in 



88 ESSAYS. 

yer, thon liast gone ! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from 
which no good spirits cums back. 

"Rum, reguiescat, et liquor issimus" 

# # * # # # 4fr 4f 

" Arly to bed, and arly to rizeP 

When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Kok out ov the May- 
flower, and stood in front ov the grate lanskape spred out 
before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the 
buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with them, 
among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning and 
going tew bed at nite in decent seazon. 

This art they was az familiar to them, az codiish for brek- 
fast. 

They knu it bi heart. 

It waz the eleventh command in their katekism. 

They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maid- 
ens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about laming it 
he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz 
explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever 
and amen. 

I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing. 

What a loss waz here, my countrymen ! 

I pauze for a reply. 

Not a word do I hear. 

Silence iz its epitaph. 

Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim — 
" Let her rip /" 

Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a tiling of the past 
or a thing that ain't cum — it certainly don't exist in theze 
parts now. 

It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot 
ov good things with it. 

This art will positively never be diskovered agin ; it waz 
the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children 
are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle. 

" Honesty" — Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences. 

Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one 



HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS. 89 

ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer liav a perfekt rite tew 
believe tliem, but i don't. 

Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never 
waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell 
the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz. 

It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer 
Webster both disagree about the right way now. 

Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than 
others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how 
tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the 
next man. 

Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts — thare may be 
excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that 
" excepshuns prove the rule." 

The only doubts i hav about this matter "iz tew lokate the 
time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost. 

When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, " Whare 
art thou Adam" and afterwards explained hiz abscence by 
saying, " /, waz afraid" iz az far back az I hav bin able tew 
trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobel 
art. 

I shouldn't be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered 
again during mi day. 

I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan 
manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a 
going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity ? 

This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum ! 



HLSTTS TO COMIK LEKTUEEBS. 

COMIK lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do. 
It iz more unsartino- than the rat ketchino: bizzness az a 
means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood. 

Most enny bocldy thinks they kan do it, and this iz jist 
what makes it so bothersum tew do. 



90 



ESSAYS. 



When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when 
it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent. 

Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all 
differ about it. 

If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying 
to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself. 

Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov 

a bobalink, or like a 
^^jS>x yung bird out ov its 
nest, when it iz feath- 
ered enuff to fly. 

Whenever a man 
haz made up hiz mind 
that he iz a wit, then 
he iz mistaken with- 
out remedy, but when- 
ever the publick haz 
made up their mind 
that he haz got the 
disease, then he haz 
got it sure. 

Individuals never 
git this thing right, 
the publik never git 
it wrong. 

The publik never 
cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory. 
Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, 
that is, by the publiks steelyards. 

Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, 
and wit iz wisdom in tight harness. 

~No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the 
brest ov wisdom. 

Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav 
bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle. 
> If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk 
ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for 
hiz services in thinking so. 




COMIK LEKTURE. 



HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS. 91 

Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the 
few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their 
bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the 
joke cums laffing in. 

I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure dur- 
ing the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, 
or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow 
places. 

The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with 
what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately 
in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous per- 
son tew git loose, and will do sum damage. 

It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but 
thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what 
yu say. 

When a man laffs at yu, he duz it because it makes him feel 
superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have 
uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him. 

The only reazon wlii a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun 
whareever he goes, is simply bekauze — he is a monkey. 

Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a 
comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes 
things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hiz 
two behind leg^s. 

Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so 
delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them. 

It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don't feel 
the itch ov it. 

One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employ- 
ment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large 
class ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should 
laff. 

Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, 
but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ — if yu expect tew 
git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it. 

In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop 
sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the 



i)2 ESSAYS. 

auj ience, if they hav had enuif, tew be satisfied with what they 
hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them to han- 
ker for it. 

I know it iz dredful tuif, when a man iz on one end ov a 
stick ov molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through ; 
buthe musn't forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on 
molassiss kandy az he iz. 

I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik leKtri ng 
bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git 
an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and 
keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either 
trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprie- 
tors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with. 

I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, 
but if they feel phull ov something, they kan't tell what, 
that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan't 
even saw wood without laffing tew themselfs all the time, i 
suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had 
better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur. 

But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when 
they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz 
uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the 
cackling. 

If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a 
comik critter, if i couldn't get it out ov him enny other way, 
i would jine him to the Shakers, and make him weed onions 
for three years, just for fun. 



FASHION — FUEY— FELLOW— FUN— FUSS— FLUN- 
KY— FBETS— FITS— FINIS. 

FASHION. 

FASHION is a goddess. 
She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender. 
Men worship her in her maskuline form — wimmin in her 
feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender. 



FASHION, 



93 



She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her sup- 
pliants. 

She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in 
sanktuarys, pomps in 
cabins, and leers at 
the street korners. 

She fits man's foot 
with a pinching boot, 
throttles him with a 
stubborn collar, and 
dies his mustash with 
darkness. 

She trails the ritch 
silks o v wimmin 
along the filthy side- 
walks, leads sore- 
eyed lap-dogs with a 
string, and banishes 
helpless children to 
murky nurserys, in 
the kare ov faithless 
hirelings. 

She cheats the 
excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him serve 
her in the habiliments ov the harlequin. 

Yea, verily. 




FHN T . 

Fun is the soul's vent. 

Fun iz whare the kruditys eskape, where she kiks up her 
heels, and runs snorting around the lot, unhaltered, and az 
eager az an eskaped konvikt. 

Fun iz a safety-valve that lets the steam preshure oph from 
the biler, and keeps things from bussting. 

Fun iz the dansing particles, which fli oph from the surface 
ov unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam 
in the clover, it iz the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew 



9-i ESSAYS. 

the korner ov the parson's eye, to stand in the sunlite, and 
see what's going on. 

Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az happy az a bridegroom, and 
az silly az a luv-sik skool-girl. 

Fun iz the holy day wisdum ov the sage, the phools pholly, 
and e very bod dys puppet. 

Next tew the virtew in this world, the fun in it iz what we 
kan least spare. 

Truly ! O ! truly ! 

FRET. 

Fret iz a kanker, a , gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a 
sore place, and a sliver everywhare. 

Fret iz frickshun, a dull lancet, a gimblet. 

Fret makes a yung man ackt like an old one, and an old 
man ackt like a yung one. 

Fret iz a grind stun, whare he holds hiz noze on, haz tew 
do hiz own turning. 

Fret haz burnt more holes thru a man's koppers that all 
the other hot things, it haz killed az often az the doktors 
hav, and iz az lawless, and senseless, az a goose. 

Fret makes the husband a tyrant, the wife a plague, the 
child a nuisance, an old maid terrible, and a bachelor disgust- 
ing. 

Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into the gums 
ov all life's misfortunes. 

I bet ! thou bet ! he, she, or it, bets ! 



FURY. 

Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a 
a blak kloud phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a 
maniak armed, a bull in fli time. 

Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it 
whizzes till it busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it iz 
but a senseless and burnt reed. 

Fury iz the argument ov tyrants, and the revenge ov the 



FITS— FUSS. 95 

embecile, the courage ov the kat, and the glowing embers 
ov dispair. 

Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a 
laffing stok, it makes the eagle allmoste human, and clothes the 
little wren, battling for her brood, with a halo sublime. 

Indeed ! indeed ! 

FITS. 

Fits are the moral tumblings ov man's natur, the bak sum- 
mersets ov hiz disposishun, the flying trapez ov the kritter 
himself. 

Fits prompt him tew klimb a greast pole, tew fite a wind 
mill at short range, to go too near a mule's heels, and to 
make a kussid phool ov himself generally. 

Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leadeth him 
into bak lots. 

Fits hav no consilience, and no judgment. 

Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him 
krazy at noontime, they seize him at twilite, and twist him 
arly in the morning. 

Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fits, and bad 
only in fits, when they haint got a fit they are unfit for 
ennything. 

Yes, i think so. 

FUSS. 

Fuss iz like an old setting hen when she cums oph from 
her nest. 

Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease — it sputters, 
and sputters, and then sputters agin. 

Fuss iz hafT-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do 
enny thing without gitting in their own way and stepping on 
themselfs. 

Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurry, and 
thare iz a thousand times more ov either ov them than thare 
iz ov dispatch. 

Fuss works hard all day, and don't do enny thing, goes to 



96 ESSAYS. 

bed tired at night, then gits up next morning, and begius 
agin whare she left oph. 
Oh, dear ! whi iz this sutch. 

FELLOW. 

A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood six 
hours with the kork out, in a warm room — it ain't ginger, 
nor it ain't pop. 

A fellow iz a hybrid ; he hain't got enny more karakter 
than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy's cuzzin, and hangs 
around like a lost dog. 

He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A 
clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto. 

I am sorry for this — i am aktually sad. 

FLUNKEY. 

Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows. 

They ain't maskuline, feminine, nor nuter — they are just 
human dough. 

They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov 
a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bak- 
bone ov an angleworm. 

They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu 
choose. 

Ain't it orful ? 

FINIS. 

Finis iz the end ov all things — the happyest place in the 
whole job. 

All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think pv 
but phew things now that hain't got two. 

A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to 
the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom. 

Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a inan 
in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the auto- 
krat ov the universe. 

Bully for yu, Finis. 



THE NU EOTTNDLAKD AND THE TAEKIEK. 

DOGS are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun. 
In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the 
necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole. 

Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, 
(ov which i have mi own private doubtsj) they are more ar- 
tisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the 
leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average. 

But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but 
as the companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner. 

The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the 
nobel kodfish iz kaught. 

He dontliv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the 
kodfish, livs on the land. 

Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that 
thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but 
what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonder- 
ful dogs. 

They are taken from Nil foundland to various parts ov the* 
world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning 
from a watery grave. 

Yu will find them in mountaneous country s, whare thare 
aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch 
to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt. 

But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, 
and kan often be seen looking down into the wells,, after 
drowning men. 

n 97 



98 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov 
bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job. 

I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel krit- 
ters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual 
rates. 

Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog 
than by a d ok tor. 

But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks 
so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be dokter- 
ed bi ennything else than an old skool allopath. 

I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint 
ov deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nu- 
foundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let 

him handle the case, 
rather than send four 
miles for a regular 
dokter. 

I may be all wrong 
in tliis, but if the dog 
hauled me out all 
p=£ gL right, I should hav 
time tew repent ov 
mi blunder, and next 
time send for a phy- 
sician with a diploma. 
It iz never too late 
tew repent ov a blun- 
der, not if you hav 
got plenty ov time 
on hand that you 
don't kno what to 
do with. 

I never hav owned 
a Nuf oundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board 
one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or bor- 
ro one, just for hiz board. 

I don't know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav 




Win °«SWED BY A WW*,,™,, DOG 



THE RAT TARKEER. 99 

a grate illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a 
mountaneous country. 

I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and 
Pordunk iz not a wet place. 

Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocery s, but the 
water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage. 

Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i 
think the town would support two. 

I don't suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov 
theze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, 
but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i 
could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens. 

I don't kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, 
and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown 
^Nufoundland pup. 

It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and 
turn them out into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up 
their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot. 

I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog. 

THE RAT TARRIER. 

Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov 
the ile ov Grate Brittain. 

They are born there with grate precision and purity ov kar- 
akter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen's, and as free from 
spots az a nu tin dipper. 

A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on 
his pedigree, ain't worth only haff az mutch in market az one 
with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn't ketch only 43 rats. 

It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes 
edukashun tew see theze things. 

A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear 
night and count the moon, and he won't see enny thing but 
a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel. 

But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and 
lie kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, 



100 ANIMATED NATUR. 

and wimmin's rites convenshuns, and municipal rings, and 
koporashun thieving in it. 

Edukashun iz bully. 

The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az 
the Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch. 

Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a 
shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them 
than an hanakonda haz. Natur bosses these jobs, and natur 
never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did 
like natur for, she don't take the trouble tew explain. She don't 
object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, 
but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at 
one highst than a tud kan, she tells the phellow (if she tells 
him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew 
looze his munny. 

I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, 
in fakt i hav alius been poor, and haven't been beforehanded 
enuff yet tew own a dog. 

I mean sum time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, 
to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the 
way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another 
one necessary. Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a 
Kuf oundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be "thorobred. 
I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their mother-in- 
law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a fli 
spek, the dog wont sute me. 

I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss. 



THE MONKEY. 

THE monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered 
with hair, hitched to a tail, and tilled with the devil. 
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mista- 
ken, that i mean well enuff, and don't mean tew deceive enny- 
body, but the monkey iz not a human being, he iz simply a 



THE MONKEY. 101 

pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter's, a libel, 
with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mis- 
chief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or con- 
nekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast 
in his darkness. 

I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the 
dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we 
meet, and i respect them for what they know, but don't wor- 
ship them for what they don't know, as the heathens do, their 
wodden gods. 

I don't kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in 
this matter, i tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that 
you and the monkey, are relashuns. 

I don't pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, 
but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind 
ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim 
az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, 
are our relashuns, for a certain amount. 

The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz 
instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the 
monkey don't show a single glimmering ov reason, i say he 
must step oph from the monkey's tail, and let him eat at the 
fust table. 

The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imita- 
shun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz 
fallow ground within the domain of reazon. 

Instinkt don't step one single step aside, tew smell ov a 
flower or pull a cat's tail. 

But argument ain't mi fighting weight, i git along the best 
by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov 
four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more 
than i kan prove what melody iz. 

The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav 
mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew 
me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az 
distinkt and butif ul, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty 
stummuk ; it may be all wrong but it never iz viscious, and 
thus i konklude it iz edukashun. 



102 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Now i don't advise ennybody else tew depend for their 
learning upon sich prekarious school masters, the best way iz 
tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure 
daddy. 

The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it 
haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, 
tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize 
good white beans on a landskape. 

Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the 
subburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus 
think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, 
and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i 
will dismount from the turkey, and git aboard the monkey, 
(the monkey az he am) once more. 

Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower ; he iz only val- 
uable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what 
he iz a going tew do next. 

He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will 
lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put 
him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than 
the best retail clerk in A. T. Stewart's employ. 

The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch 
like a pin hed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concen- 
trated dew drop of malishus mischief. 

He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches 
hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for 
the same reason. 

Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung mon- 
key looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again. 

They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch 
two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friend- 
less, than two monkeys. 

They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony 
sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason. 

But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov rea- 
zon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless 
kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head about. 



THE PISSMIRE. 103 

They won't work, and they won't play, unless they kan 
raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in 
looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one 
and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirk- 
ing santanity, without getting mad at yureself. 

If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i 
don't know now, whether i should konsider it intended for 
malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back 
bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked 
in loud italicks— C. 0. D. 

In conklusion ; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate 
supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that 
iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the 
rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell ; — 
was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the 
devil az he is now ? 

An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited. 



THE PISSMIEE. 



THE pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual 
meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs. 

They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, 
but what it iz, the Lord only knows. 

I never see a pissmire yet that wasn't on the travel, but i 
hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the 
place they started for. 

Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, 
they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun. 

Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but 
pissmires dont seem to understand the difference. 

If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for 
i dont know ov ennything more unpleasaut to view, than an 
aktive loafer. 

A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ova 
smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less com- 
mon sense thare seems tew be in it. 



104 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they 
wear out more shu leather than thare iz enny religion in. 



THE POLE KAT. 



MY friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly ? 
I guess not, they are a kritter who won't bear examining 
with a microskope. 

They are butiful beings, but oh ! how deceptive. 
Their habits are phew, but unique. 

They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but 
one door tew them, and that iz a front door. 

When they enter their houses they don't shut the door after 
them. 

They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew 

kill them with a klub, 
THE POLE -C A 7 but with a pole, and 
the longer the pole 
the more convenient. 
Writers on natural 
history, dissagree 
about the right length 
ov the pole tew be 
used, but i would sug- 
gest, that the pole be 
about 365 feet, espesh- 
ily if the wind iz in 
favor ov the pole kat. 
When a pole kat 
iz suddenly walloped 
with a long pole, the 
fust thing he, she, or 
it duz, iz tew embalm 
the air, for m e n n y 
miles in diameter, with an akrimonious olifaktory refreshment, 
which permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely original 
smell. 




THE WEAZEL. 105 

This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than 
lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled 
up like musk, and sold for 871-2 cents per bottle ; bottles 
small at that. 

A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without 
braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea. 

How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt. 

This iz vulgarily called " surking eggs." 

This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it 
iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats. 

Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung 
goslins. 

They won't tutch an old goose, they are sound on that 
question. 

Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an 
old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he 
loosens enny ov the meat. 

A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk. 
Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, 
and this iz one ov them. 

I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into 
a trap than tew git out ov it. 

In taking tkem out ov a trap grate judgment must be had 
not tew shake them up ; the more yu shake them up the more 
ambrosial they am. 

One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind 
changes once in a while. 

A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz 
skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin 
him. 

This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day. 



THE WEAZEL. 

THE weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pick, 
erel. 
They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle 
board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather. 



106 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the 
wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted 
match. 

It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a wea- 
zel and miss him. 

If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 
50 cents a clap. 

I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but 
they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov 
them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet 
further oph. 

They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew 
ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him 
thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a 
knot hole. 

"Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, 
they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill 
chickens. 

They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the 
blood with them, leaving the corpse behind. 

I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), 
and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain't got 
him yet. 

I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes 
yet. 

Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite 
and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from 
breaking up the distrikt skool. 

The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn't, and i did 
it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle. 

A weazle's skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the 
quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure 
thing ; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle. 

I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the 
way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I 
prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow. 

I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a 
boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are. 



ANGLE WORMS. 107 

Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtiines 
mistaken for it, they hav got cunning. 

Cunning: stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tad- 
pole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on 
growing, but he aint one now. 

Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing 
that cunning can do iz tew wiggle. 

I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i 
never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning. 



AKGLE WOKMS 



AEE ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in 
ritch ground ; ground that won't raize angle-worms won't 
raize enny thing else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz 
sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, 
yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more 
miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved 
angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and 
handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They 
don't take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew 
childen az a piece ov red tape. 

It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on 
the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don't 
beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only relia- 
ble heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet. 

When lieing gits into a man's blood, the only way tew git 
it out, iz tew drain him dry. 

Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish 
with ; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew 
take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log 
and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond. 

Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth. 

Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gim- 



108 ANIMATED NATUR* 

let, and are diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for 

they alwus back into their holes. 

Here the natral angle worm ends. 
* ******* 



THE MOUSE. 

EVER since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew 
mi. 

Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thor- 
oughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers 
like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream 
pretty without one ov these little teachers. 

Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov 
gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn't trapped suck- 
cessfully for a mouse. 

Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every 
man duz. 

Mice are the epitome of shrewdness ; their faces beam with 
sharp praktiss ; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their 
little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny. 

They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. i should be 
afrade tew buy a house that hadn't a mouse-hole in it. 

I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, 
like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, 
and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the 
night, takes the death out ov silence. 

Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy 
tew receive and welkum the rest ov the family. 

They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best 
inf ormashun we hav az yet ; but this iz the case with most 
things. 

Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a 
time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits 
ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them. 



THE MOUSE. 109 

When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs 
duz : each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it 
is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that 
understand their bizzness more thoroughly. 

I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that 
everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a check- 
er-board. 

When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just 
the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust 
sight tew be a grate waste ov tail. 

The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew 
ends, might be a bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob- 
tailed mouse wouldn't be a better finished job ; but philosophy 
haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must 
take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or 
shut up. 

If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav 
thought it would be jist as well for naturbekause a man, if he 
kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse's tale 
iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a 
failure. 

Sutch iz man ; but a mouse iz a mouse. 

The mouse kan live enny whare tew advantage, except in a 
church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew 
show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minis- 
ter kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion. 

Thare aint a more prolih'ck thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i 
mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are 
better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and 
are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on 
the run. 

One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten 
minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov 
their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik. 

Now thare iz many folks who kant see ennything to write 
about in a mouse ; but mice are full ov infonuashun. The only 
way that edukashun was fust diskovered waz bi going tew 



110 ANIMATED NATUR. 

school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are 
only natur in tipe. 

A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter ; but 
kan they prove it ? 

I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might 
not pay ; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side- 
wheel steambotes. 

A mouse's tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz an- 
other thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to 
explain it unless i am paid for it. 

I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuze- 
papers that i never got a cent for. 

There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a 
mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, 
and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. 
If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn't wink. If 
do, yu will hav tew wait till next time. 

I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us. 

Eats i dont luv. They lack refinement. 



THE TALLER DOG. 



DOGS hav infested this world just about az long az man 
haz, and will hang around it, az long az thare is enny 
grizzle left on a bone. 

We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably 
shant hav ov the final one. 

If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav 
washed away the fakt. 

If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz 
vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, 
and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt. 

Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or 
followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the 
chirp ov the fust reliable cricket. 



THE YALLER DOG. 



Ill 



We read that Esaw sold out liiz birth rite for soup, and 
menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, 
what menny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work 
tew live on a pedigree. 

If i waz starving, I wouldn't hesitate tew swap oph all the 
pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pot- 
tage, and throw two grate grandfathers into the bargain. 

But I don't in- 
tend this essa for 
dogs in the lump, 
but for the individ- 
ual yellar dog him- 
self. 

The yellar dog 
haz no pedigree, 
the blood in hiz 
veins iz az krude 
az petroleum, when 
it fust cums pump- 
ing out ov the 
earth, bitter, thick, 
and fiery. 

He iz long, and 
lazily put together, 
hiz ears flop when 
he shacks along the dusty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden. 

Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog's tail, it iz useless, 
the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a 10 per cent 
mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy. 

Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew 
me, but when i ask miself, " Whare would yu hitch the tin 
pan to," then at once the folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, 
flashes on mi mind. 

Ever since this kontinent waz found bi Christopher Colum- 
bus, in 1492, and for what i kno, much time previous tew that, 




112 ANIMATED NATUR. 

the Yeller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, 
and hungry bi natur. 

Whare he cums from noboddy seems to know, and if yu 
speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, 
and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicious, 
and sideways, on his lonesum jurney. 

Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made 
up ov starvashun, and brickbats. 

If he cums out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, 
he iz a " mad dog" and the common council at once assemble, 
the riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, men cum pant- 
ing into town, crieing " mad dog" their two horse waggon 
waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fury rages, old guns 
are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, 
dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and 
defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, 
pigs run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy 
politik surges with horror. 

The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a 
whole village iz in the extacys ov hydrophobia he has passed 
on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subburbs, at the 
shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss. 

The yeller dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz 
the darkey. 

A common misfortune links them together. 

"Why iz it, that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vaga- 
bonds on the face ov the earth ? 

Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts. 

A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i 
kant tell but what the yeller dog will be thare, a mute wit- 
ness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved. 

This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will 
az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns. 

I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi man- 
hood, if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all 
the yeller dogs thare iz now on the buzzum ov the earth, and 
make them respekted and happy. 



ROOSTERS. 113 

But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but az long 
az i hav strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in 
mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i 
dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov 
caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading 
oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, 
yelping, yeller dog. 

Teller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, 
and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old 
tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anx- 
ious tew know what the line ov defence will be. 



EOOSTEKS. 

THAEE is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a 
more pleazing and strengthening studdy than the Rooster. 
This remarkable package of feathers has bin for ages food for 
philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They 
belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry, and are 
the husbands of menny wives. In Utah it is konsidered a 
disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham 
Young's coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till 
he is almost bent over double backwards. 

The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the 
hen ; it is hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure 
soup. Roosters are the pugilists amung the domestik burds ; 
they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, 
they strike from the heel. 

Roosters, according to profane history,, if mi : edukashun 
remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come sud- 
denly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time when he 1 want 
prepared tew see company, and waz, for that offense, rebuilt 
over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward destined to 
crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a man akounts 
for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew the 
8* 



114 ANIMATED NATUR. 

hens. Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires 
more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, 
and it iz jiss so with a hen. When a rooster gits licked, the 
hens all march oph with the other rooster, if he ain't haff so 
big or handsome. 

It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman. 

Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree amnng the rooster 
race, but for stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique 
rooster, short-legged, and when they walk, they alwus strut, 
and their buzzums stick out, like an alderman's abdominal 
cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a crooked 
tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az full ov feathers as a 
new duster. 

But when you come right down to grit, and throw all out 
side influences overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, nor 
under it, that kan out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a 
regular Bantam rooster. 

They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing 
before a looking-glass. 

They don't weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az 
mutch fuss az a ton, i have seen them trieing tew pik a quar- 
rel with a two hoss waggon, and don't think they would hes- 
itate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz the least bit sassy 
tew them. 

It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers 
crow, it iz like a four-year old baby trieing tew sing a line 
out ov the Star Spangled Banner. 

The hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little 
boquet ov neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. 
They are az prim az a premature yung lady. It is a luxury 
to watch their daintyness, tew see them lay each feather with 
their bills, in its place, and preside over themselfs with az 
mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror. 

But the consumation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading 
out six little chicks a bugging ; six little chicks no bigger than 
bumbelbees. 

It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing 



THE FOX. 115 

outrageous in evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends 
and impropriety begins. This iz melancholly, the case in the 
rooster affair, for we hav the shanghi rooster, the gratest out- 
rage, in mi opinyun, ever committed in the annals ov poultry. 

Theze kritters are the camels amung fowls, they mope 
around the barnyard, tipping over the hay racks and stepping 
on the yung goslins, and evry now and then they crow con- 
fusion. 

If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should 
halter him, and keep him in a box stall, and feed him on 
cut feed, and if he would work kind in harness, all right, if 
not, i would butcher him the fust wet day that cum, and salt 
him down tew give tew the poor. 

But thare ain't noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this 
breed, knot if i know it, i don't think thare iz a man on earth 
mean enuff to do it. 

Boosters do -but very little household work, they wont lay 
enny eggs, nor try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the yung 
ones ; this satisfys me that thare is sum truth in the mytholo- 
gikal ackount ov the rooster's fust origin. 

Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a yung 
one, they spend their time in crowing, strutting, and occas- 
sionly find a worm, which they make a remarkabell fuss over, 
calling up their wifes from a distance, apparently tew treat 
them, but just az the hens git thare, this elegant and elabo- 
rate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel. 

Just like a man for all the world. 



THE FOX. 

OF all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, 
thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many 
good hits as the fox. 

His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion's strength, 
hiz logick iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf, 



116 ANIMATED NATUE. 

and hiz politeness and defference makes him the fop and gen- 
tleman ov the forest. 

The fox is a literary cuss ; he haz been the hero ov history, 
fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowl- 
edge. He waz a genius long before ackedemick honors 
nourished ; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov 
Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he is the Ben 
Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony. 

The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty 
dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth 
more than ten shillings. He follers no regular bizzness for 
sustenance, but livs on the chances and on hiz wit. 

He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too 
mutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve 
ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. 
They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tounge, and find them- 
selfs at rest in his stummuk. 

He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas 
rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out 
ov his way to be polite to a duck or a goslin. 

But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning ; he alwas 
pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal of tener than he 
loses. 

Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit ; they never do a 
thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind 
before they do a thing once. This is the effect of too mutch 
genius. 

There iz this difference between genius and common sense 
in a fox : Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but 
circumstances iz governed by genius. 

The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate sup- 
ply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants 
a phatt goose, he will work hard and get the goose for him, 
and then clean the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the 
goose for pettyfogging the - case, and giv him the bones, and 
tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his 
eye, that "everything is lovely and the goose hangs high." 



THE FOX. 



117 



Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git 
geese for each other, and if animals don't want their piety 
tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. 
The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician to invest his religion 
in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that sosiety haz 
claims on him, and 
are indebted tew him 
for sum goose, and ex- 
pekt to be for several 
more. This iz a nobel 
trait in the fox, and 
shows that he aint a 
child ov ingratitude. 

Foxes cum out ov the 
ground, but whether 
they are made out ov 
dirt i kant sware with 
much certainty. They 
cum out ov the ground 
through the instrumen- 
tality ov a hole, but 
whether the hole begins 
at the surface and runs 
into the mountain, or 
whether it begins in the 
mountain and runs tew the surface, don't make a kussid bit 
ov difference. 

But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for 
years. Sum ov them say it runs in, and sum ov them be 
darned if it duz ; and right here we can see the amazing dif- 
ference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick 
ov the fox. While they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the 
hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins. 

Foxes are like cunning men — they hav but few brains, and 
but a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hav 
got are like angle worms in hot water — full ov anxiety and 
inizery. 




A SLY FOX — THE MORE YOU PUT DOWN THE 
LESS YOU TAKE UP. 



118 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Cunning is a branding iron ; the letters on it are small, but 
alwus red-hot, and they read thus — Look out for the fox. 



A YARN".— THE AUNT, AND THE GEASSHOPPEK. 

Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years 
ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov 
weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, 
while venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost 
awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, 
and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the 
front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov 
wheat, which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, 
into their house. 

Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, 
and singing," Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me." — 
and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he 
stopt tew hav a talk with her. 

" Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning ! " sed 
the grassbug. "A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling 
in!" 

" Hav yu heard the grate news ? 

"Dredfull sharp frost last night ! 

" "Winter will soon set in, i reckon ! 

" I herd the owls hute last nite ! 

"Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday! 

" "When dew yu think specie payments will be took up ? 

" Thare ! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match % 

" How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village ? 

"Enny sickness amungst them? 

" I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the 
pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher 
wages ? 

""Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the 
peace % 



A YARN.— THE AUNT AND THE GRASSHOPPER 119 

" What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it 
make rum enny skarser ? 

" Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he 
iz a mean old skinninter, he sold me, only last week, a peace 
ov bar sope, for sum beeswax. 

" The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day ! 

" I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, 
about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then 
sum ov hiz dets ! 

" Do y u see much ov the krickets now a days ? 

" I should really like tew kuo how they are gitting along • 
rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don't think they will 
winter, do yu? 

" When duz the moon change now days ? 

" Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan rec- 
komend ? 

" Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer 
klaims ? 

" I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met 
one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions 
at him he was out ov sight ! 

" Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry ! 

" Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their 
webs in the grass ? 

" How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up ; yu must 
hav sum tew spare % 

" I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow ? 

" They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, 
owing to its peculiar mutchness ; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether 
this iz so or not, i wish yu could ! 

" Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, 
will see buckwheat a bigg crop ! 

" I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sher- 
man's lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good 
deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin ! 

" Well ! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a 
jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, twoyung 
grasshoppers ; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon. 



120 ANIMATED NATUR. 

" I must be a going ! 

" I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a 
good visit. 

" By the way ! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound 
sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn't hav it known bi 
ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it 
would ruin me !" 

" Then keep the sekret yureself," spoke the ant, " it iz 
worth more to yu than ennyboddy else." 

This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye 
all the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing 
grasshopper moved off, whistling " Sally cum up." 

KEMAKKS. 

This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time 
with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity 
with an idle sekret. 



A HEK 

AHEE" is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur. 
When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the 
mark the fust time. 

Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth 
more to them than reason would be, for instinkt don't make 
enny blunders. 

If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus 
as we men folks do. 

But a hen don't seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made 
expressly for a phool. 

I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 
15th ov January, when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on 
the top ov a stun wall, aiid coolly set thare, and freeze tew 
deth. 

Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew 
save a bet. 



A HEN. 121 

I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it 
tew win a bet. 

To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is 
the fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best 
judge ov law now living. 

If i couldn't be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit, 
tew be Blakstone, and compoze sum law. 

Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, " no 
yung snob shall walk on oth avenew on the Sabbath dav, 
and twitch hiz hat oph more than two times, on each block, 
to persons on the opposite side ov the street, whom he dont 
kno, and who dont know him. 

I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy 
ov it to all the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city. 

This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity. 

But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a 
darn phool. 

1 like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their 
destiny than ennyboddy i kno ov. 

They don't never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew 
bizzness. 

The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay 
eggs, and when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained 
tew set still on them, until they are born, this iz the way 
yung hens fust see life. 

The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 
eggs, but i hav seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens. 

TFhen a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting 
her, the party looks like a swarm ov bumble bees. 

Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white 
stuns, under this same hen, and she will set thare till she 
hatches out the stones. 

I hav seen them do this too — i dont wish tew say, that i 
hav seen them hatch out the stones, but i hav seen them set 
on the stones, untill i left that naberhood, which waz two 
years ago, and i dont hesitate tew say, the hen iz still at 
work, on that same job. 



122 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



Noboddy but a phool would stik tew bizzness az cluss az 
this. 

Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die. 

Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, 
kan commense life, with the usual kapital, and live 999 years. 

This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been 
informed eorrektly. 

I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a spec- 
iality) laid, cackled, and sot a long time before Methuseler 
did. 

After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i 
make myself fluently understood yet. 

I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, cackled, 
and sot, what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were 
here, and doing bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz. 

Now I hav got it. 

Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, 
they don't cackle mutch untill after they have laid their egg. 

Sum pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they 
are going tew do before-hand. 

A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set on 
36 eggs, but a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight 
tew me. 

I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles 
them waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more 
than 36 chickens would. 

I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and 
among other pholks. 

I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole 
ov them out, and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the 
garden. 

But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the 
ground, it iz better composed for skratching in the water. 

When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melan- 
kolly, and hart brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the 
brim ov the mil pond, and wring her hands, and holler tew 
the ducks, tew come right strate out ov that water, or they 
will all git drowned. 



A HEN. 



123 



I have seen this did too, but i never see the ducks come 
out till they got reddy, nor never see a young duck git 
drowned. 

Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch 
water az a sponge will. 

One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily 
a nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, 
who claim they ought 
tew lay two. 

This needs more 
testimony. 

Az an artikle ov 
diet, thare is but 
phew things that sur- 
pass cooked hen, if 
eaten in the days ov 
their youth and inno- 
sense, but after they 
git old, and kross, 
they kontrakt a hab- 
it ov eating tuff. 



After thinking the 
thing over, and over, 
and over, I am still 
prepared tew say, 
that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan iix it. 

I don't speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only 
shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny 

Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won't git tew be 
worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one 
ov the luxurys ov life. 

Thare iz grate promt, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, 
the loss iz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the 
chicken coop, and steals all the chickens. 

Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the 
old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering. 




124 ANIMATED NATUR. 

After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, 
and kan ontkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu 
come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny 
other kind. 

I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew 
see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest 
and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden. 

I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look 
so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden. 

I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men 
who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered 
if it want just about az profitable for me tew enjoy the 
skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks whd 
own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and 
swearing. 



THE GOTE. 

THE gote iz a koarse wollen sheep. 
They hav a split hoof and a whole tail. 

They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion. 

They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan 
bite. 

Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal 
a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly 
bi a pek ov oats. 

The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and 
a mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naber- 
hood. 

A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down 
to hiz shadder on a ded wall. 

They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and 
are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed. 

They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov 
assifidity. 



THE GOTE. 125 

They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long 
az he livs in a shanty. 

They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the 
way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine. 

They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys 
are half gotes, and the other haff children. They are good 
eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git 
stronger. 

They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, 
what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well 
agree tew phatt an injun-rubber over shew bi filling it with 
klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the out- 
side bust ov a gote. 

A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity. 

They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones 
speak the language more fluently than the parients do. 

Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko 
— one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands 
it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all. 

The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philoso- 
phy looking old cuss, and wouldn't make a bad proffessor ov 
arithmetik in sum ov our colleges. 

They are handy at living a long time, reaching an advanced 
age without arriving at enny definite konklusion. 

How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man 
now old enuff tew tell. 

Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv 
a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, 
Methuzeler aint here. 

Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except 
tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a pro- 
found sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day. 

I wouldn't like tew beleave enny man under oath who had 
ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so. 

Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if 
a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav 
one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun 
bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into. 



126 ANIMATED NATUR. 

The f email gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov 
the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in 
the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch. 

They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, 
in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in vari- 
ous ways. 

This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz 
excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them 
bellycose, and fightful. 

It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pug- 
nashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch 
the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret/ 

This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the 
reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant 
hits. 

In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew 
adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck 
tew the truth, and haven't allowed mi imaginashun tew boss 
the job. 

A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mis- 
take opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, 
but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one 
thing, i stay with them. — Finis. 



GOOSE TALK. 

THE goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud. 
They are good livers ; about one aker to a goose iz 
enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 
akers, iz nearer right. 

These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew 
tell now, which will finally win. 



GOOSE TALK 



127 



Bat i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid 
for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just be- 
kauze it didn't havbut one goose on it. Geese stay well ; sum 
ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the 
last. 

They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, 
in which the gosling 
lies hidd. 

The gosling iz the- 
goose's babe. 

The goose don't 
suckle hiz young, but 
turns him out tew pas- 
ture on sumboddy's 
vacant lot. 

They seem tew lack 
wisdum, but are con- 
sidered generally sound 
on the goose. 

They are good eat- 
ing, but not good chaw- 
ing ; the reason ov this 
remains a profound se- 
kret to this day. 

When the femail 
goose iz at work hatch- 
ing, she iz a hard bird tew please ; she riles clear up from the 
bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they 
show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for 
feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful. 

They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov 
cuss. 

But they are mostly cureiss about one thing : they kan 
haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, 
and not tutch ennything with their hands. 

I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this. 




GOOSE TALK. 



128 ANIMATED NATUK. 

"THE CLAM." 

THE clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side 
ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't 
cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a 
young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this 
akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for 
sumthin tew cum along. 

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must 
hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. 

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they 
sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand 
on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very 
talky ; they hav got an impediment in their noize ; their lips 
open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov 
tongue tew be glib. 

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being 
caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan 
tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share 
ov this time iz wasted ; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only 
tew grow tuff in ; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov. 



SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS. 

THE slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the 
snail. 

They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, 
when they go away from home. 

Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all 
the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any 
snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, 
but i don't kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed 
tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i 
don't never kno how snails taste, i don't think now i shall 
repent ov it. 



STRIPED SNAKE. 



129 



It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in 
mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail 
or hiz shell, but if i don't know even this, i don't mean tew 
git mad about it. 



I h a v grate 
phaith in enny job 
that natur turns out, 
and i had rather hav 
phaith than knowl- 
edge, it saves a grate 
deal ov hard work. 
It costs a grate deal 
to kno all about 
things, and then yu 
ain't certain, but 
phaith iz cheap, and 
don't make enny 
blunders. 

Science iz smart, 
but she kant tell yu 
what makes the 
flowers blush so 
menny different col- 
ors, but phaith can. 
phaith iz a giant. 




Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but 



STRIPED SNAKE. 

The striped snake iz one ov the slippery est jobs that natur 
ever turned loose. 

They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip 
out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for 
sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, 
unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed. 

They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad repu- 
tashun, and all the innocence in the world won't kure a bad 
reputashun. 

They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they 
don't stay long enuff in the right place. 

n 



130 ANIMATED NATUR. 

When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loaf- 
ing around loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a go- 
ing tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov 
strawberrys. 

If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus 
konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew 
the snaik. 

" Fust cum, fust sarve," was mi motto. 

I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and 
if i should liv tew be az old az Eebudkennezer waz, and go tew 
grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good 
pasture forme. 

Wimmin don't luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt 
her for this. 

How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class 
mistery tew me, and if i hadn't read it in the bible, i would 
bet aginst it. 

I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant 
understand, I beleave the most. 

I wouldn't swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living 
man's knoweledge. 

Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, 
the more i am afrade ov them. 

I wouldn't buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik 
on it. 

Ded snaik are a weakness with me ; i always respekt them, 
and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on 
him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter 
his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just 
az much az a kat duz. 

I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die 
so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for 
deth. 

BABYS. 

Babys i luv with all mi heart ; they are mi sweetmeats, they 
warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and 



BABY'S. 131 

nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove. 
I hav raized babys miself , and kno what i am talking about. 
I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust 
krop tew riot ainung the feelings. 

If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings 
now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and 
keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery ; 
but what i should do for wet nusses i don't kno, nor don't 
care. 

I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap 
ain't the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither. 
My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap. 
I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length princi- 
pally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, 
but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them. 

I can hold more babys in mi lap at 'once, than any man in 
Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys. 

I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn't want tew kiss ; i 
am wuss than an old maid in this respekt 

I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had 
been washt ; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither 
waz i. 

Thare are folks in this world who say they don't luv babys, 
but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy 
loved them. 

Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers' 
arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. 
They luv me bekauze i luv them. 

And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov 
all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the 
steambote, out ov a job they needn't hesitate a minnit tew 
drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap ; i will hold it, and kiss it, 
and be thankful besides. 

Perhaps thare iz people who don't envy me all this, but it 
\z one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love 
for babys and their love for me. 

Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don't 



132 ANIMATED NATUR. 

care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz 
always a kind word and a kiss for the babys. 

I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid 
their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor 
counterfits among them. 

I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more. 



"THE CKAB." 

"VTA TUB is fond ov a joke. 

11 She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft 
shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. 
They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They 
are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the 
land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite. 

They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the star- 
board side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the 
mud turtles, bat they move evry fust ov May, into a new one. 

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think 
so tew stand and look at them ; it would bother a stranger 
tew tell where tew begin ; it would be a good deal like .trying 
tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw. 

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until 
they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throw- 
ing away the bodcly, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. 
It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grass- 
hopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git 
one dinner out of biled crabs ; I think perhaps a person mite 
sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and 
day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. 
Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin. 



ESSA ON SWINE. 

HOGS general] y are quadriped. 
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been 
fully discovered ; they existed a long time before the flood, 



and hav existed a long time since. 



THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO. 133 

There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare 
ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster. 

Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells. 

Hogs are good quiet boarders ; they alwus eat what iz set 
before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions. 

They never hav enny disseize but the meazles, and they 
never hav that but once ; once seems to satisfy them. 

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them. 

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more 
apart, like a hemlock slab. 

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are 
az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on 
them. 

They kan awl rute well ; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin 
made in vain. 

They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az 
they git fatt. 

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such 
az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over 
the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into 
a cornfield,, but thare ain't enny length tew their memory ; 
it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git 
out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should. 

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same 
way yu are going ; they drive the most the other way ; this 
haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog. 



THE CAT, AXD THE KAXGABOO. 

THE cat, iz called a domestik animile, — but i never hav bin 
able tew tell wharef ore. 
You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the 
gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a 
cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope. 
They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Ju- 
dus Iskaratt. 



134: 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and 
then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, 
and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov in- 
jured innocence, and 
chicken, and dream 
o v their childhood 
days. 

All thare iz, r sure 
about a cat, that iz 
domestik, that i kno 
ov, iz, that yu kant 
looze one. 

You kant looze a 
cat, — they are az hard 
to looze, az a bad rep- 
utashun iz. 

You may send one 
out ov the state, dun 
up in a meal bag, and 
marked, " C. O. D.," 
and the next morning 
yu will find him, or 
her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the 
kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on. 

Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the 
night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik. 

But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin dis- 
kovered yet, iz their fear ov death. 

Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov 
death, — they aktually skorn tew die. 

You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they 
will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering 
prospektus. 

Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and 
kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried 
in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy 
else. 




THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO. 



THE KANGAROO. 135 

Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they 
are verry cheap, — a little money, — well invested, — will go' a 
grate ways, in cats. 

Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 13 
from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last 
summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither. 



The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are f ello- 
citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments 
on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch 
use to them ; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their 
hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz — on the 
jump. 

Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz 
the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika 
had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other 
peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what 
to do with. 

Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump 
ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the 
deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole 
herd ov deer. 

A kangaroo's tail iz a living kuriosity ; in its general 
habits it looks and akts like a rat's tail, but in size you must 
multiply it by six thousand and upwards. 

What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz both- 
ered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, 
at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up. 

The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, 
but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo's tail waz 
too mutch for them. 

But a kangaroo's tail don't bother me enny more than a 
kite's tail duz ; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt 
just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum 
acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at 
once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders 
in the animals ; if she has failed enny whare, it iz in man. 



136 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but 
man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This 
ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and git- 
ting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up. 



THE CODFISH. 

THE codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for 
their being so salt. 

They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel 
trap, and hang on like a poor relation. 

They are good eating for a wet day ; they are better than 
an umbreller to keep a man dry. 

Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish 
three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them. 

Codfish never venture in fresh water ; they would soon 
spile if they did. 

I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like 
it better than fishing for frogs. 

I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist 
upon their taking themselfs off from the hook. 

I had . rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a 
live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i 
am afraid ov their kicking. * 

Sum people ain't afraid to take enny thing with their hands, 
that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git 
caught by an eel, if i couldn't settle with him, right off, by 
giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into 
the bargin and put for home. 

The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof 
from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a 
relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy. 

I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, 
but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him 
than it iz tew his blood. 






ANIMATED NATTJR 




In search ov Livingstone— In Afrika they rein Osstriges. 




In search ov Franklin— In Lapland they rain Deer. (136) 



THE MACKREL.— THE POLLYWOGG. 13T 

TPIE MACKREL. 

THE mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well ed- 
ukated, for they are always in schools. 

They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov 
old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook. 

They ain't the only kind ov fish that are caught by the 
same kind of bait. 

Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the gro- 
cery s alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted 
on salt. 

They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, 
and want a good deal ov freshning afterward. 

If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally 
make the other two meals out ov cold water. 

Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that 
swims, and are called " the salt of the earth." 



THE POLLYWOGG. 



THE pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov 
thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging. 

After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz 
mind that this world want made for pollywogs and " nothing 
venture nothing have," and then he turns hiz attenshun tew 
bigger things. 

He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdy- 
ing the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the kon- 
klusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog. 

This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pol- 
lywoggs tew be lost. 

The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov 
hiz summers upon land. 

He haz tew lite hiz way through life, and generally goes 
on the jump. 

Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often 



138 ANIMATED NATUR. 

runs hiz lied aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at 
him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the 
striped snaik. 

The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the 
snaik swallows him whole. 

I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the 
snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life. 

If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, 
for a snake kant travel a tree. 

I don't kno az the pollywogg gains enny thing by swop- 
ping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never 
hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experi- 
ence. 

If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happi- 
ness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never 
found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through 
the kindness of experience. 



THE BULL HEAD. 



THIS remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and 
mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young 
lizzards and dirt. 

They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out enny- 
thing that they kan swallo. 

They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides 
ov their lied, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed 
penknife, with the blades all open to onst. 

They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they 
are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set 
them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will be- 
gin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule. 

They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan. 

I don't advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu 
feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it. 



MUDTURKLES. 139 

Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov June ; steal 
out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu. are going tew the 
nabors to bony a setting of hen's eggs ; find a saw log on the 
banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the 
water ; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the 
log ; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the 
water up tew yure garters ; bait yure hook with a chunk ov 
old injun rubber shoe ; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, 
take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto 
the saw log ; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder 
the saw log, and leave for home ; git up the next morning 
early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kind- 
ling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware 
the whole family to keep dark about it. 

This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do 
with bull heads. 



MITDTUKKLES. 

MTJDTUEKLES liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch 
attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom 
receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsi- 
pally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git 
it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at 
home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav 
sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally 
hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the 
class known az " close korporashuns," and are a hard animil 
tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudtur- 
kle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a 
tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun 
rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a 
paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny 
trubble ; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, 
and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults. 



140 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and 
tho tha cant trot as fast az sum bosses kan, thare sure tew git 
tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. 
I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particu- 
larly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in 
their wisdum won't pass a law " prohibiting enny more mud- 
turkles." I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, 
the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch 
quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a reve- 
new stamp onto it. 



T 



smo 



THE FLY. 

HE fly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, with. 

out branes, but happily without guile. 
They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal 

az the wind duz, 
fly " whare it listeth." 

fin*. How they are ex- 

actly born, i haven't 
been able yet tew in 
vestigate, but they are 
so universal at times, 
that i hav thought, 
they didn't wait tew 
be born, but took the 
fust good chance that 
was offered, and cum 
just az they am. 

They are sed tew be 
male and f email, but 
i dont think they kon- 
sider the marriage tie 
binding, for they look 
so mutch alike, that it 
would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, 
and this would lead tew never ending fites, wich iz the rhu- 
barb ov domestik life. 




THE FLY. 141 

They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but 
don't git tew buzzing good till the center ov August. 

They stay with uz until] kold weather puts in an appearance, 
and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jistaz they am. 

Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and 
usefullness, but this don't interfere with their census, for their 
iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their prop- 
erty. 

Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad's 
noze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly 
stuck bi phooling with mollassis. 

Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and 
thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk 
cans. 

The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting 
lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buz- 
zum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a 
hod-carrier, if they git in his way. 

Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest 
ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a 
man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw. 

Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a 
ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and 
will eat from sun rise, till seven o'clock in the evening, with- 
out getting more than haft* phull. 

They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno 
ov. 

The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may 
drive him out ov yure ear ; and he will land on yure forhed, 
hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the of tner yu git 
rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another ; the 
only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash 
him up fine. 

Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the 
fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they 
hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss 
for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies. 



142 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They hav a big appetiglit for gitting into things, they are 
the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont 
leave untill the cloth iz removed. 

Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted in- 
to all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and 
hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold ; but 
flys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a konfidence. 

What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew 
blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your 
plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more 
phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, 
but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, 
az a salt codfish. 

Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a se- 
kret. 

Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff 
born fly, they are all ova size when yu fust see them, like a 
paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller. 

I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, 
among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, 
taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz 
wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico's, with the minister from 
England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by 
sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed cham- 
ber. 

But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or 
religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps 
for them, tew chase them, out ov the house with a sled stake, 
and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew 
git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the 
tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally 
ruin them, with deth. 

I thank the Lordi ain't one ovthoze, i don't luv a fly enuff, 
tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and 
worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, 
and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still. 

Flys tickle me, but they don't make me sware, it takes a 



THE CROW. 143 

bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, 
who steals out ova krackin the wall, az silently az the swet 
on a dog's noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew 
mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes 
one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me 
aware, a word ov two Billables. 

A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, 
not even an abreviated dam. 

I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but 
always smells ov whiskey. 

This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov 
the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding lit- 
erary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their 
sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rose- 
bud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a 
budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing 
ov this breed, tew fetch them. 



THE CEOW. . 

"ATEXT to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry 
-L i to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed 
az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss 
than a sore thumb. 

If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git 
into, it iz bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather 
watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on 
what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint 
tied down. 

They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold 
an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are 
a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill ; they kan see 
you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side 
ov a mountain. 

They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to 



144 v ANIMATED NATUK. 

cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand 
thoroughly ; long praktiss has made them perfekt. 

The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a black- 
smith, and the cold like a stun wall. 

They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both 
eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank, — thare 
aint no such thing as stopping a young crow. 

Crows are very lengthy ; i beleave they live always i never 
knu one to die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how. 

They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber 
shew, poor inside and out. 

They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read suin- 
whare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man 
hankering for sum biled crow 2 times. 

This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, 
i aint tew blame for it ; natur made the crow, i didn't ; if i 
had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff. 



THE BUMBLE BEE. 



THE Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets. 
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably 
necessary, if a fellow only knew how. 

They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles 
numbering about 75 or 80 souls. 

They are born about haying time, and are different from 
enny bug i know ov ; they are the biggest when they are fust 
born. They resemble sum men in this respekt. 

Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they 
don't make enny to sell. 

Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work ; 
but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus 
watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their helm. 

I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is be- 
tween here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble 
bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin. 



THE ROBBING. 

THE BOBBING. 



145 



Wnct-^cvk 



THE robin haz a red brest. 
They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tlio they waz 
sorry for sum thing. 

They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to 
winter. 

They git their name from their grate ability for robbing 
a cherry tree. 

They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart 
on a goose berry. 

If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew 
fastidious tew eat a 
ripe strawberry. ^\^^ 

They build their 
nest out oy mud, and 
straw, and lay 4 eggs, 
that are speckled. 

Four yung rob- 
bings, in a nest, that 
are just hatched out, 
and still on the half- 
shell, are alwus az 
reddy for dinner, az 
a nuzeboy iz. 

If enny boddy goes 
near their nest, their 
mouths all fly open 
at once, so that yu 
kan see clear down 
tew their palates. 

If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should 
all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, 
it wouldn't be enny thing more than common politeness, for 
the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our 
own cherriz, tew see how they did taste 

10$ 




146 ANIMATED NATTJE. 

THE SWALLO. 

THE swallo iz a lively bird. 
Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and 
alwns in a twitter about sumthing. 

They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss. 

They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crook- 
ider. 

I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take 
the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and 
not touch the water. 

When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz 
an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, 
"one swallo dont make a spring." 

This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that 
would make a grate menny swallows. 

Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, 
and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air. 

They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor 
out ov hiz bill. 

They dont waste enny time in the morning making their 
toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their 
heds, and are reddy for bizzness. 

I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless 
than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as 
the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch 
longer, than a trout will. 



THE BAT. 

THE bat is a winged mouse. 
They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum 
out for a frolik. 

They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had 
taken a little too mutch gin. 



THE HAWK. 147 

They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite 
like a snappin turkle 

What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they 
kan tell neither. 

They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of 
live hash, made out ov all three. 

If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the 
earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, 
just for fun. 

But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov 
the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, 
sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, 
laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little 
we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running 
the machinery of kreashun. 

Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he 
don't seem tew kno it. 

Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill 
it better than we do ours. 

Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the 
hawks, i kant tell. 

Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it 
wasn't, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew de- 
cide it. 

Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i 
think it duz, i wouldn't ask for a seckond plate ov it. 



THE HAWK. 

THE hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one 
too, every good chance he kan git. 
I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov 
the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin 
in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick. 

They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so 



148 ANIMATED NATUR. 

that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well. 

Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civil- 
ize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes 
a big charge ov this too. 

I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with 
fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 
4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them 
more lively for a fu minnits. 

I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over 
them. 

I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but 
i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assort- 
ment, wouldn't answer. 



THE MEDDO MOLE. 



THE meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i 
dont kno which. 

They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for 
a living. 

They kan bore a hole in the ground f azter than a 2 inch 
augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one 
ni^ht, and never cum once tew the surface. 

They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan 
see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika. 

How a meddo mole kan see w^ith their ears iz one ov naturs 
misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur 
that makes mankind respektful. 

If natur showed all the kards. she held in her hand most 
enny boddy would think they could beat her. 

But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and 
then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right. 

I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle 
ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny 
bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz 



THE POSSUM. 149 

so mutch meat fixings with frencli, and dutch names on the 
bills, that they may be thar. 

I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch. 

A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid 
common tittles in english. 



THE POSSUM. 

THE possum iz a fello ov the Southern and "Western States. 
He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat 
boddy, and a poor tail. 

He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and lit- 
tle mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats. 

Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a 
dirty white complexion ; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rack- 
koon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail 
iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the 
snaiks stummuk. 

The possum's tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour ; 
i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it ; i hav figgered on it 
az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid ; i hav hung over 
it az fondly az a kemist ; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got 
mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum 
should hav a hairless caudel. 

If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain 
this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to 
him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital 
importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are 
only known to the Billings family. 

The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just 
near enuff to the smoke ova chimbly tew pick up a transient 
goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck 
fast. 

Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems 
tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that 



150 ANIMATED NATUR. 

iz a darkey. They are the nigger's poultry and roast lamb. 
The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a 
tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum 
miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun 
that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take 
either. 

Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and 
sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire 
different principal from the goose. 

Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in mark- 
et from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is ampu- 
tated. A possum's tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage 
to any enterprizing man. 

Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold 
for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early eduka- 
shun has bin neglekted. 

Thare iz only one thing about a possum's skin different from 
a hoss hide, they don't shed their hair, evry hair is drove in 
and clinched on tuther side. 

Possum's hav butif ul white natral teeth, and their mouth iz 
az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs. 
- But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, 
they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, 
feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch. 

I mean tuffness and cunning 

If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov 
the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he 
lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and 
dies az ded az a two dollar watch. 

The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger 
will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that 
" dis possum hab been eating pizen ;" take him by the tail 
and send him buzzing into a brush heep. 

Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus 
loozeing it. 

I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff 
tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav 



THE CURSID MUSKETO. 151 

seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush. 

If thare iz enny boddy who don't beleave this i don't care, 
i only write what i know, and don't hold miself liable for 
other folks' ignorance. 

Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nig- 
ger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pat- 
tent leather. 

If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for 
him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me. 

I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on 
this subjeckt. 

Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az 
well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi 
life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and 
never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family. 

The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the 
muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum 
never bathes in enny thing but chicken blood. 

The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make 
sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster's 
spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy 
else haint bin able tew edukate yet. 



THE CURSID MUSKETO. 



DTZA R : — Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite 
bi mail, and i hurry tew repli. 

The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen 
point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey. 

They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for 
them iz verry unstiddy — the grate supply injures the de- 
mand. 

Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a 
paying krop, altho they often beat that. 

They don't require enny missing, and the poorer the land 
the bigger the yield. 



152 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



If it want for musketers i dontkno what sum people would 
do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultiva- 
ted land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit. 

The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don't waste enny 
time ; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, 

and kan bight 10 
minnitts after they 
are born just az flu- 
ently az ever. 

Thare iz people 
in this world so kon- 
trary at heart, and 
s o ignorant, that 
they wont see enny 
wisdum in having 
musketers around ; 
i alwus pitty sutch 
pholks — their edu- 
kashun haz been 
sorely neglekted and 
aint level. 

Wisdum iz like 
duks eggs — if yu git 
them, yu hav got 
tew sarch for them 
— thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cUm . 

and la eggs in yure hand — not a duk, Mr. , not a duk. 

The musketo is a soshul insex ; they liv verry thick 
amungst each other, and luvthe sosiety ov man also, but don't 
kontrakt enny ov hiz vices. 

Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter ; they never 
fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the 
effort. 

The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can't sing 
won't bight ; this information may be ov grate use to science, 
but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare mus- 
keeters are plenty. 




THE CURSID MUSKETO. 



THE CURSID MUSKETO. 153 

If thare ain't but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight 
good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun. 

The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz 
right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid 
ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them. 

They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argu- 
ment. I say bully for the muskeeter ! 

The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt 
— he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a 
lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without 
ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time ; or he kan git 
into sumboddy's bed-room thru the key- hole, and take hiz 
rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun. 

It don't kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world ; 
if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov 
swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp 
fog. 

The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a 
fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit. 

He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and 
alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises. 

I positively fear a musketo. 

In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az 
a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov 
the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, sing- 
ing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to 
feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, 
iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me ; i had rather look for- 
ward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto 
me. 

The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates ; even 
a mule dispizes them. 

But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov 
them ; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite 
onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them ; i hav 
seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter 
mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in 
up tew the hilt in vain. 



154 ANIMATED NATUR 

I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew be- 
ing virtewous i would like tew be tuff. 

This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who arealwus a look- 
ing for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum 
whare, and sing while they are doing it. 

Dear Mr. , pardon me for saying so mutch about the 

cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or 
set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny 
beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same 
little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter. 



THE HOKNET. 



T 



|HE hornet is an innamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impres- 
X shuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end. 

Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper 
in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, " git out ov mi 
way." 

They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a 
waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus 
ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin. 

This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at 
a minnit's warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az 
spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake. 

Hornets never argy a case ; they settle awl ov their differ- 
ences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az cer- 
tain tew hit az a mule iz. 

This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about 
one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or 
conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or wmether 
they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together 
and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont 
kare. 

I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never consider- 
ed it helthy. 



THE HORNET. 155 

Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, 
and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew 
kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with 
hiz javelin? 

They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to 
them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, 
and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz 
cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets. 

It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i 
will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he 
could sell tew a hornet for half price. 

Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but 
what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up 
enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only 
jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in 
az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor. 

I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its ax- 
letree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but 
hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now 
what it iz. 

Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want 
a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around 
black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that 
dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug 
tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the 
cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov 
having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count. 

Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hor- 
net haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the 
rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and 
here iz another mistery : what on arth duz a hornet want so 
mutch reserve corps for. 

I hav jist thought — tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, 
the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to 
know. 

It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving 
dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg, 



156 ANIMATED NATUR. 

it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and 
.yu hav got tew sarch for it. 

The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than 
he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and 
refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dis- 
satisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good 
breding ackts this way sumtimes 

Hornets are long-lived — i kant state jist how long their 
lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny 
kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and 
stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his 
nabers. 

The only way tew git at the exact .fiteing weight ov the 
hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his jave- 
lin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumbod- 
dy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer ; and az for grit, i will 
state for the informashun ov thoze who haven't had a chance 
tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one 
single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp 
meeting ! 

What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i 
kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavy est thinkers 
amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and 
heave their javelins at a mark ; but i don't imbibe this asser- 
shun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az 
the hornets are, to waste a blow. 

Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him 
credit for on mi books — he alwus attends tew hiz own bizz- 
ness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and 
what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering 
enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and 
aint seen. 

If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, 
even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them. 

Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi 
trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz 
their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at 



THE RABBIT. 



157 



the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, be- 
kauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with 
him. 

In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by conclud- 
ing, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so 
darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov 
less wisdum, but more charity. 

But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny 
thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant's egg. 



THE KABBIT. 

THE rabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and 
reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. 
They are az harm- 
less, so far az pizon 
is consarned, az a 
yung goslin. 

They liv in holes 
in the ground, hol- 
ler logs, and under 
brush heaps, and kan * 
run faster aud stop 
quicker than any 4 
or 6 legged brute. 

Their hind legs 
are twice az long 
and twice az fast az 
their fore ones, and 
they seem tew be 
bilt best for running 
up a hill, and back- 
ing down it. They THE RABBIT . 
are all colors known tew the trade, except green ; green rabbits 
are out ov fashion. 




158 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better 
vittles than the kat. 

I don't kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the 
United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan 
hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles. 

One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a 
whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into 
the jineing parts. 

Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it 
fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a 
bad kold. 

Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept 
them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they 
are useless. 

Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin 
without tareing, az a biled potater. 



THE POODLE. 

THE poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst 
a good deal ov promiskuss hair. 

They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled 
all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey. 

They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stub- 
born az a setting hen. 

A poodle iz a woman's pet, and that makes them kind ov 
sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships. 

I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places 
with, but the owners ov them didn't akt to me az tho they 
wanted tew trade for enny thing. 

Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more 
utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz 
poodles, for if thare wasn't thare iz some people who wouldn't 
hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv. 

Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are 
good for fleas. 



THE PATRIDGE. 159 

Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds 
employed scratching, and almost every boddy else's too about 
the house. 

I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man's natur iz too 
koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a 
man waz tew nuss him. 

I don't expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me 
one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick 
every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the 
outside. 

This kind ov missing would probably make the poodle mad, 
and probably he would quit, but i kant help it. 

If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash 
the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint. 

Bully for me. 



THE PATKIDGE. 



THE partridge iz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, 
and on the hill sides that are woody. 

They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git 
near enufftew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz al- 
wus diffikult for nu beginners. 

In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their 
wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them 
tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru 
the air with a hum like a bullet. 

Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one 
hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this. 

The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, 
if they are not missed. 

It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, espe- 
cially if a tree gets in the way. 

I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal 
ov time at it. 



160 ANIMATED NATUK. 

« 

The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her 
eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well. 

When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about 
with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year's chestnut 
burs on legs. ; 

Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born 
during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny pat- 
ridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az 
tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu. 

But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i 
had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a 
change. 



THE SNIPE. 

THE snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov 
low, wet places quick, and git back again quick. 

They are pure game, and are shot on the move. 

They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and 
eat az eazy az sweetmeats. 

The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor's) 
and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and 
then pumping the juices out with their tounge. 

I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet 
in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split 
open like an egg. 

This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it 
did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it. 



THE COCKROACH. 



THE cockroach iz a bug at large. 
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization. 
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary 
kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper 
ackts ov courtesy. 



THE COCKROACH. 161 

We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the 
outward crust ov r these fashionable insekts, that they are a 
highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, 
and the " artihilus bevo" or common Amerikan grasshopper. 

Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a 
diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the 
peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the 
lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all 
bug ethicks. 

But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they 
pleaze about the ansesti-al claims ov the cockroach it iz our 
bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up 
az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who 
hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually w*az. 

Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous 
family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, 
speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadul- 
terated natur. 

He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest 
provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious 
bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the inven- 
shun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers 
and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon, 
calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races 
between the butter plates. 

How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest 
material in market, and the most plenty, should be so- deter- 
mined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.. 

I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own w r ay for six years, 
evry personal cockroach would be knocked oif from the 
bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to 
repair damages w T ith. 

Such iz man ! 

The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov 
November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days 
from date. 

They are born from an egg, four from each, egg, and conse- 
nt 



162 ANIMATED NATUR. 

quently they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing 
in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach. 

The maternal bug don't sett upon the egg as the goose 
doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt 
mustard seed, and don't seem tew care a darn whether they 
get ripe or not. 

But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an 
appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as 
Kanada thistles, or a bad kold. 

The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They 
are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good 
track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts. 

Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they 
eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in 
my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion 
that a cockroach kan't swim, but they kan float. 

Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no 
double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be 
introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika. 

But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg 
is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan't bije nor sting, 
nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I 
hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay 
there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last 
with a broken heart. 

To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, 
let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them 
to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and 
woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warb- 
ling musketo, wild from a ISTujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz 
dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood ; or, horror ov horrors ! 
to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still 
and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty 
like a starved leech. 

Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for 
me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to 
hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter's song in the 



THE MULE. 



163 



room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg 
left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out 
and for me to pitch into bed. 

In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be will- 
ing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a 
small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I 
had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach 
and sware that we waz even. 



THE MTTLE. 

THE mule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu 
a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. 

Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other 
kreetur, e x- 
cept a crow- 
bar. 

Tha kant 
hear enny 
quicker, nor 
further than 
the hoss, yet 
their ears are 
big enuff for 
snow shoes. 

You k a n 
trust them 
with enny the mule . 

one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The 
only wa tu keep the. mules into a paster, is tu turn them in- 
to a medder jineing, and let them jump out. 

Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu 
abuse. 

Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry 
brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels. 




164 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes 
tu them at tall. 

Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. 
Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny 
more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no 
dissease that a good club wont heal. 

If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never 
herd noboddy sa " ded mule." 

Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte ; ive known 
them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse 
to kick sumbody. 

I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a 
United Staits law passed, requiring it. 

The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are 
ashamed ov themselfs. 

I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. 

Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what 
I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, 
and man want tu blame for it. 

Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be ex- 
empt by law from running for the legislatur. 

Tha are the strongest ereeturs on earth, and heaviest 
ackording tu their sise ; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from 
the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touch- 
ed bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex 
stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the wa- 
ter about 2 feet 6 inches ; i did'nt see this did, but an auction- 
eer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless 
it was absolutely convenient. 



BED BUGS. 

I NEVER see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. 
They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, 
or biteing things. 

They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak" in, after 
dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep. 



THE FLEA. 165 

A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, 
and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides — the flea iz a 
game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway — 
but the bed-bngg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and 
then picks out a mellow place tew eat you. 

If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate 
to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face. 

Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way ; one pair 
ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff 
tew last a small family a whole year. 

It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season ; 
the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole 
bed in aqua f ortis, and then heave it away and buy a new 
one. 

Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are 
about the size ov abluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, 
and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease 
spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up 
like a blister. 

It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them. 

If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their 
stummuks ; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made 
by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy. 

If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav 
took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in 
chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, 
tew foller the same trade. 

If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs 
will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause 
i am one ov the hereticks. 



THE FLEA. 

THE smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most 
pesky, iz the Flea. 
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like 
a bran new shot. 



166 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They spring from low places, and kan spring further and 
faster than enny ov the bug-brutes. 

They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a. run ; 
one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnitts, and 
leave him az freckled az the meazels. 

It iz impossible to do enny thing well with a flea on you, 
except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that ; the only way iz 
tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when 
you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea 
mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as 
soon as you hav found them. 

I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during 
enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United 
States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. 
Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and 
then thare may be a few fleas lost. 

They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you 
don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start 
bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever. 

Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it 
takes a pretty smart man tew see one enny how; they don't 
stay long in a place. 

If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything 
else ; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late. 

Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits. 



NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOE ME. 

THE shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin 
tung. 
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. 
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peru- 
vian lama. 

He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund 
best in a ruff and tumble fite ; like the injuns, tha kant stand 
sivilization, and are fast disappearing. 



NOT ENNY SHANGIU FOR ME. 



167 



Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turlde. 
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, 
and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. 
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. 
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. 
Tha will eat as mutch tu oust as a district skule master, 




and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over. 

Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one 
eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash 
kittle tu onst. 

The femail raster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is 
sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter 
of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then 



168 ANIMATED NATUR. 

kant kiver but 3 ov them — the rest stand around on the out- 
side, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the 
kanvas when ever tha kan. 

The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry 
ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on 
grasshoppers, caught bi hand. 

I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink 
in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it. 

Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze ; i wuld rather board 
a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled 
owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed 
with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for 
me, not a shanghi ! 

Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, 
that hens, thus far, are a suckcess. 

They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff. 

This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their 
younger daze ; but the hen ain't tew blame for this. 

Biled hen iz universally respekted. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the he^i — exactly 
how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. 
Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say 
he didn't. So it goes, which and tuther. 

I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg ; 
sumtimes i think the egg w r az — and sumtimes i think the 
hen waz — and sumtimes i think i don't kno, and i kant tell 
now, which way iz right, for the life ov me. 

Laying eggs iz the hen's best grip 

A hen that kant lay eggs — iz laid out. 

One egg iz konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav 
herd ov their doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine 
tew do it — it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, 
and thus impare their futer worth. 

The poet sez, butifully : 

" Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen ! 
I wish they'd let her bee ; 
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, 
And Sundays she'd lay 3." 






THE AUNT. 109 

This sounds trew euufF for poetry, but i will bet Y5 thous- 
and dollars that it never took place. 

The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. 

I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh 
is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a 
stage boss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning- 
mill, by running oats thru it. 

Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he 
laze less than one a day. 

Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut 
disseaze, — thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi 
this melankolly disseaze. 

I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a 
general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. 

The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up 
a garden. 

Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime w T ater, with 
the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they 
are not disturbed. 

Fresh beef -stake is good for hens ; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds 
a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. 

I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the 
hen question, and — take it in egg. 



THE AUNT. 

The ant iz a menny footted insekt. 

They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them 
(more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their 
property in common. 

They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never 
strike for enny higher wages. 

They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back 
door to their hearts. 

Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see 
one out ov a job. 



1T0 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and 
eat on the run. 

Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that 
neither ov them didn't understand ; they don't kare whether 
the moon iz inhabited, or not ; nor whether a fish weighing 
tw T o pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make 
the pail slop over, or w T eigh more. 

They ain't a-hunting after the philosopher's stone, nor git- 
ting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes. 

They don't care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov 
miles up in the air, nor wmether the arth bobs around on its 
axes or not, so long az it don't bob over their korn krib and 
spill their barley. 

They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working 
hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by 
minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, 
tew make room for the next crop ov aunts. 

They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the 
industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the 
Christian. 

If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down 
bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so 
menny kan liv so thick. 

If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be 
strengthened. 

If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit 
ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on 
the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, 
and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, 
and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to 
the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other 



I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and 
marvelled ; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought 
how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that 
even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav heen created, 
made bizzy, and sot to work by chance. 



THE AUNT. 171 

Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all 
things here are the work ov an acksident ! He robs himself 
ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven. 

I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, pro- 
fane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world 
az i would on the throw ov the dice. 

Ants are older than Adam. 

Man {for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things 
were finished, and pronounced good. 

If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon boss- 
ing the rest ov the job. 

He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy 
aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin 
offered, equally green. 

I am glad that man waz the last thing made. 

If man hadn't hav bin made at all, you would never hav 
heard me find enny fault about it. 

I haven't much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well 
but bekauze he wont. 

Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sum- 
thing. 

Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so 
that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk. , 

They don't hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simp- 
ly, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own 
ackts. 

They don't hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny 
judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swal- 
lered. 

I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi 
money and real estate, and jine them. 

I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like 
their morals better. 

The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and 
make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them 
sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up 
into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, 
and trampling it under hiz paws. 



172 ANIMATED NATUR. 

This may be plmn for the bulls and the bears, but it iz 
wuss than the cholera inorbust for poor Erie. 

Ants never disturb Erie ; yu couldn't sell one eny Erie, 
enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks 
ov Nnfoundland. 

Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether 
they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength ; but 
if they don't they are no wuzz oph than they are out west 
(near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and ap- 
ply for an injunkshun to-morrow ; and are reddy the next 
day to fite it out agin on sum other line. 

Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz 
one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick. 



SUM SNAIX. 



THE ADDER. 

THE adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very 
butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph. 

They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and 
shines like a glass bead. 

They kan be foind in wet places, and are handy tew liv, 
both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They 
kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, 
az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how 
tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shad- 
do ov the weeping willo. 

They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile 
all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz 
a boy. 

THE STRIPED SNAIK. 

The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They in- 
habit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the gar- 
den, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass gen- 
erally. 



SUM SNAIX. 



173 



They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, 
and are really az 
harmless az an old 
garter, but az 



xVfc\HYNKT 



full 

ov fraid tew almost 
every boddy, 




az a 

torpedo. 

The fust snaix, we 

hav enny ackount 

ov much, waz the 

devil, surnamed 

bellyzebubb, who 

wiggled his way in- 
to t h e Garden of 

Eden, and without 

a single trump in 

hiz hand, beat our 

two original ansess- 

tors, out ov joy in- 

neffible, and glory 

halleluyer forever, 

and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and 

wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the 

human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on 

their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile. 

Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the 
seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, 
and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and 
hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix. 

This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a 
dredful risky bizzness ten follow. 

Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix 
sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare 
churches and school houses nourish. 

I don't kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a 
snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family 
than near a distrikt school house. 



174 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Let enny body just holler " striped snaix " once, near a 
distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu 
paddle, and the } r oung ones begin tew bile out like hornets out 
ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young 
turkeys for a Junebug. 

Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haif in length, 
and about one inch in diameter, and "thareby hangs a tail." 

THE BLUE RACER. 

The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, 
ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in 
the universe. 

They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with 
their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing 
with muscles. 

They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase 
•them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew 
play " tagP 

They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch 
kind of refreshments. 

They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at. 

Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov 
the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and 
the lied will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be 
looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of 
back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hiro- 
gliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up 
their mind that it is safe tew die. 

It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, 
it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor 
frog don't stand enny more chance ov getting away than a 
chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it. 

They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in 
them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov butter- 
milk tew find its way into him. 

THE BLAK SNAIK. 

The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a 



PUBLIK INSTITOOTIONS. 




A native Institootion — Bridget abroad. 



(174) 



THE MILK SNAIK. 175 

tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their 
nests oph from the topmost limb. 

They are az handy in a tree top az ayungmunkey, but are 
not pizon tew bight. 

They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by 
making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their vie- 
tims. 

I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but 
never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who 
want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn't eat enny 
green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to 
get choked bi a blak snaix. 

Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who 
say "Go up, old bald hed" and who put kittens into tar bar- 
rels will make a note ov this. 

The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes 
haz a white ring around hiz nek. 

There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill 
they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the po- 
etry comes in. 

There ain't much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon 
tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who 
lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi 
sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i 
wouldn't be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the 
solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape. 

THE MTLK SNAEE. 

The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew 
fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch 
in this underhand way. 

I don't beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix 
no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny 
how. 

Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew 
consider the fackts ov when they write onto them. 

I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, 



176 ANIMATED NATUR. 

if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would 
guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 
feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware lie waz 14 
foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him. 

This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a mar- 
vel. 

The Bible sez, "marvel not" and altho i look upon all 
things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav won- 
dered if Joner's ketching the whale just az he did, wasn't 
some kind ov authority for the fish story s ov the present 
daze. 

If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, 
he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry 
and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that 
whale, if a man wan't smart in figgures, he would git a poor 
idea of the animile's dimenshuns. 

I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life 
away, and don't neA r er see one, I don't intend tew mourn in- 
konsolably about it. 

I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn't go 
a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum .ov 
the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them. 

Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and 
Divine Providence haz fixt that ; it is tew git their heds 
squeezed by a suitable sized pebble. 



THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER. 

THE Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America : 
he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery 
by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew 
git a living with. 

He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth 
more than all the rest ov him. 

He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the 



THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER. 177 

cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and under- 
stands liiz bizzness. 

lliz family consists ov a wife and three children, who Iiv 
with him on the inside ov a tree. 

He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew 
receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz 
own affairs. 

He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz 
rings on it. 

Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and 
are worn upon all occasions. 

During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and 
lays down by hiz fireside. 

"When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how 
the chickens hav wintered. 

Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it 
wasn't for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon 
would find what everyboddy else haz lost — a heaven upon 
earth. 

But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what 
there iz left ov him ain't worth a cuss. 

He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the 
alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks ; but he 
haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan't 
redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing. 

He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and 
will steal what he kant eat, nor hide. 

He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov 
mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out 
ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than 
he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got 
a good daub tew it. 

I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the 
more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz. 

I can't find, by sarching the passenger list, that ^oah had 1 
a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mi.it- 
12$ 



178 ANIMATED NATUR. 

ton sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, 
by stealing a ride. 

. I never knu a rackcoon tew want enny thing long, that he 
could steal quick. 

Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the 
face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five 
hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the 
next ninety days. 

I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew 
tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan't 
advise enny body to cultivate coons, they want az mutch look- 
ing after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny 
more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the 
Erie Eail Road. 

I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till 
now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever : lately, i dis- 
kovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov 
a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid 
mean whissel. 

Hack coons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety 
ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die 
ov old age ; the north western fur company, are the grate 
undertakers of the coon family. 

I feel sorry for coons ; for with a trifle more brains, they 
would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the 
peace ; but even this would not save them from final perdishun. 

JSTatur don't make any mistakes, after all ; she hits the bull 
right in the eye every time : when she wants a rackcoon with 
rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a petty- 
fogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good 
coon. 

Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may 
enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good 
deal less ov the law than he otherwize would ; still, for all this, 
if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I 
should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less 
pettyfogger. 



THE FEATHERED ONES.— DUK. 



179 



If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew 
politicks, thar ain't but few could beat him ; he is at home on 
the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 
1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the coun- 
try, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom 
salts. 



THE FEATHERED ONES. 



ND FEATHERED 
V05H BIUINCJ 



DUK. 

THE duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this — nat- 
uralists say so, and kommon sense teaches it. 

They are bilt sum thing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, 
flat-footed job. They 

don't kackle like ,|||| dP^*^^** ^ 

the hen, nor kro | "Ip^jlp TH * T -° N0T 

like the rooster, nor I fg^^ ffl ~~^ 
holler like the pea- 
kok, nor scream like 
the goose, nor turk 
like the turkey ; but 
they quack like a 
root dokter, and 
their bill resembles 
avetenary surgeon's. 

They have a wov- 
en fut, and kan float 
on the water az nat- 
ral az a sope bubble. 

They are pretty 
mutch all f e a t h- 
and when the 




ers 



THE FEATHERED ONES. 



feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just 
about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked 
squash that haz gone tew seed. 



180 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to 
miss also, unless yu understand the bizness. 

You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let 
them fly up tew the shot. 

I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feath- 
er now and then ; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all 
kind ov sport, yu know. 

Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, 
even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three 
years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I 
hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it 
— this iz strikly confidenshall. 

TURKEY. 

Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz 
better. 

The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself 
by gitting onto a frolik. 

They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and 
they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them 
but themselfs. 

Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant 
weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a 
grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket. 

Wet weather iz bad on a turkey — a good smart shower will 
drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho 
they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of 
tongs. 

The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary 
called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense. 

I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of 
pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung 
onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat 
for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them. 

The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho 
she had been abuzed bi sumboddy. 

Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on 



THE HOSSTRITCH. 181 

a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the 
top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees 
belo zero, and in the morning fly down and w r ade through 
the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph. 

P. S. — If you kant hav kran berry with roast turkey, apple 
sass will do. 

THE HOSSTRITCH. 

The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg 
about the size ov a man's hed the next day after he haz been 
on a bumming excursion. 

They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters 
at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which in- 
habit their tails. 

The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a 
mile kluss to 3 minnitts. 

They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov 
the sand hatches them out. 

They ain't bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than 
a large-sized figger 4 iz. 

I don't kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but 
i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs ad- 
vertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare. 

Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not ; I 
think this would depend a good deal upon who w T az called 
upon tew eat it. 

I shan't never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i re- 
main in mi right mind. 

If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I 
hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey 
buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could 
git along, and endure life. 

I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by 
guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor 
never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, 
and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don't mean tew 
hanker for hot sand. 



182 ANIMATED NATUR. 

THE PARROT. 

The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk. 

*They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like 
a pair ov pinchers. 

They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the 
inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan 
learn tew swear the eazyest. 

They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless. 

In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but 
they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun. 

They resemble the border injun in this respekt. 

When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny 
thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits. 

I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave 
him away, i haven't seen the man I giv him to since, but i 
presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss. 

If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I 
would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with 
the provizo that they should stay thare. 

I don't make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov 
thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny 
kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up 
their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, 
displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants 
tew be took different from what it reads.) 

THE BOBALESTK. 

The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him. 

They make their appearanse in the northern states about 
the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once. 

They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a 
leetle damp. 

The female bird don't sing, for the male makes noize enuff 
for the whole family. 

They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly 
well. 



THE EAGLE.— NATRAL HISTORY. 183 

When they sing their mouths git az plinll ov musik az a 
man's duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast. 

Bobolinks are kept in cages,, and three or four ov them in 
one room make just about as mutch noize az an iufant class 
repeating the multiplikashun table all at once. 

THE EAGLE. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles ; they kan look 
at the sun without winking ; they kan split the clouds with 
their flashing speed ; they kan pierce the blu etherial away 
up ever so fur ; they kan plunge into midnight's blak space 
like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thous- 
and miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan 
tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not. 

Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate 
taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing. 

I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their 
native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov 
venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers. 



NATBAL HISTOKY. 



IT is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral his- 
tory ov the Zouse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred 
folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az 
pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse 
is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more 
unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The 
louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the 
hair, and are more ornamental than useful. 

Kot having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi 
informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall 
be forced, while talking about the louse, " tew fight it out on 
the line" ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experi- 



18i ANIMATED NATUR. 

ence gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hay a 
crude supply. 

Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick 
out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make 
the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how 
enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum. 

Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn't lie around so loose az 
it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running 
yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov 
mineralogy. 

I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling 
cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them 
over and gitting them reddy for the pot. 

All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi 
moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a 
woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck. 

Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science 
ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and 
being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class. 
But all this iz remote from the louse. 

The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, 
not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid 
ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and 
thicken az much az pimples on the goose. 

Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov 
this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and 
while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and 
go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz 
playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the 
school mom. 

I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause 
i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, 
but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the 
days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on 
the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with 
one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other. 
Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were 



NATRAL HISTORY. 185 

a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians 
don't hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that 
time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with 
them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in 
the market. 

But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, 
and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain't spoke ov, az a 
matter tew brag on. 

The lonse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake 
ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more 
would be. 

They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that 
very reason, are respektabel. 

When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to 
us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel 
Webster's head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the tele- 
graphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz 
brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up 
onr noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venera- 
ble soldjers, in the grand army ov progression. 

After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our 
edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and 
we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, 
for instance, and don't seem tew need enny more louse tew stir 
us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them. 

Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital crea- 
tion, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply 
dispise sa&iks, fear musketoze, avoid fleas, don't associate with 
the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet. 

Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day 
of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on 
tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased 
up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and 
finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz 
mother's kneeze, and see an old, w^arped, fine-toothed horn 
comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless 
hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse — 



186 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with 
her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck 
up to the brim with something, i don't know what the feeling 
iz ; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me. 



KATS. 

A KAT iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but 
one square deth. 
It iz allmost impossible to tell when a kat iz ded without 
the aid ov a koroners jury. 

I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat. 

If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over 




the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter 



THE HUM BUGG. 187 

under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps 
quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when 
winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, ' that kat? waz 
ded, or waz playing the tiling dredful line. 

Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, 
that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed 
for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny 
to put into kats. 

They propngate the most intensely, and lay around the 
stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind. 

The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain't reliable ; they 
are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a 
bad bust. 

Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood- 
house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets 
till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho 
they must split. 



THE HUM BUGG. 

THE most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or 
enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg. 

They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are 
born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a 
good soft spot. 

It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the 
father ov hum buggs — if this iz a fakt he haz got more chil- 
dren than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst 
them. 

The hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, 
but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being sud- 
denly born in another. 

They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine 
and mitral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg 
would starve to death begging. 



188 ANIMATED NATUR. 

The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and 
rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole. 

Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every 
boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance. 

They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knock- 
ing from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, 
are welcumed again and nattered more than ever. 

The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do 
with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheat- 
ing the whole of them. 

The Bible sez " the grasshopper iz a burden " — and i be- 
lieve it — but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov 
the two. 

But the world kant well spare the hum bugg ; take them all 
out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew 
git a living, for thare doesn't seem, jist now, to be honesty 
enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with. 

Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but 
for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time. 

I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but 
not twice in the same spot — i follow the Skriptures when i 
am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, 
i turn him the other cheek also, but i don't let him bite the 
other cheek also. 

Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew 
be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near 
they can cum tew it without missing. 

Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist 
what hum bugg makes menny a warm mealoph ov. 

Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az 
others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun 
az it iz tew their natur ; they all ov them bite the full 
length ov their teeth. 

If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum 
bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home 
with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was bom 
numb all the way through, and couldn't feel any kind ov a 
bite. 



THE BUGG BEAE. 189 

If i should hear a man brag that one ov these brigs couldnH 
bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan't 
a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss 
than a hornet's, and always different from a dog's, for the dog 
growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you 
do the growling. 



THE BUGG BEAE. 



"VTATEAL History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az 
-L^l enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz — the 
buggbear. 

The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatch- 
ed by an imaginary process. 

They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good 
deal bigger than the thing that casts it. 

They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the 
bugg and the bear, but generally turn out to be pretty much 
all bug. 

They are like the asserts on a bankrupt broker, the more 
you examine them, the smaller they grow. 

I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and 
grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back 
agin into the same hole they cum out ov. 

They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the big- 
gest when they are first born. 

They are common to all country s and all peoples, the phil- 
osophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben 
as badly skared by them. 

They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov devil- 
try az a jack lantern. 

Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side 
walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are 
alwus hunting for them. 



190 



ANIMATED NATUR. 

THE GAME CHICKEN. 



LO, and behold the game rooster ! 
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, 
and iz reddy tew file for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz 

feet like a piece ov 
ginger-root, with 
each f eacher fastened 
in its place. 

Hiz eye gleams in 
its socket like a sol- 
taire on the queen's 
linger. 

Hiz head iz like 
the snaiks head, and 
his beak shines like 
the point ov a dag- 
ger. 

When he steps, he 
steps like a bunch 
ov kat gurt, and hiz 
crow iz like the 
yung injuns fust 
whoop on the war- 
path. Hiz plumage 
gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz 
legs are all golden. 

Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers 
are clipped for the battle. 
Bring on the other rooster. 




THE GAME CHICKEN. 



the due:. 

THE Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen. 
"When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, 
in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew 
contend with. 



THE DUK. 191 

The dnk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but 
their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the 
garden. 

Their foot iz like a small spider's web, only more substan- 
shul bilt. 

They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral 
and eazy az a grease spot. 

They kan div in the water az handy az a bull frog, and 
never git water soaked. 

Water won't stay quiet on a duk's back no longer than 
quicksilver will whare it iz down hill. 

Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their 
food without enny spoon. 

They are more profitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze 
they kan eat so mutch faster. 

Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civiliza- 
shun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them 
the companyuns ov man and old wimmin. 

Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most 
ov her duks. 

The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze 
all over their person simultanously without enny order. 

Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny 
more feathers. 

They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and 
these feathers make a good, tuff bed. 

A duk's feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on. 

Men often call their wif es their " dear duks" this is on 
ackount ov their big bills. 

The duk don't kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk. 

They do a good deal ov quacking that don't amount tew 
mutch. 

Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin 
told whi. 

The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles ; 
for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their 
stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz 
on the outside ov an eg shel. 



192 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more 
appetigbt left. 

Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind 
leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt -over forwards. 

Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they 
couldn't eat themselfs oph from their feet. 

Duks la eggs, but don't la them around loose. 

Hunting duks' eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun. 

A man couldn't earn 30 cents a day and board himself, 
hunting duks' eggs. 

The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing. 

They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim 
right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild 
duk just w r az. 

I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at 
once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a 
kamp meeting. 

I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, 
when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never 
injured enny duk, az i kno ov. 

I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move. 

Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay 
rite down and giv it up. 

Thare ain't no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan 
outlimp a lame duk. 

Yu often hear the term " lame duJc" applied tew sum men, 
and perhaps never knn what it ment. 

Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums 
from. 



THE SANDY HILLCEANE. 

THE crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur 
ov all theze things. 
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, look- 
ing for sumthing he haz lost. 

He haz a long bill, long w r ings, long legs, and iz long all 
over. 



MORE SNAIKS. 193 

He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesmn az a 
lasts year's bird's nest. 

He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with 
hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs. 

He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips 
over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a 
pik ax. 

When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a wind- 
mill, broke loose from its fastenings. 

Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, 
up tew this date, just about equals the demand. 

The crane iz not a good bird for diet ; the meat tastes like 
injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss. 

I never hav et enny crane, nor don't mean to, untill all the 
biled owl in the country givs out. 

I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it 
aint none ov mi bizzness — even a crane from Sandy Hill kan 
fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a 
kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner. 

I hav spent mutch time among the birds^ beasts, and fishes, 
and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn't never tell 
exackly what cum fort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov man- 
kind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew 
admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to 
say the least, a dredf ul smart job. 

Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a 
bread pill iz. 

Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this ; 
one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph ; and the 
other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing 
a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog. 



MOKE S1STAIKS. 

THE KATTLESNAIX. 

THE rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six 
feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a 
bigness. 13 X 



194 



ANIMATED NATUE. 



They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur. 
On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, 
which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize 

from which they 




thei 



lr name 



take 
from. 

Thare iz only one 
remidy for the bite 
ov a rattlesnaik that 
I kno ov, and that 
iz whisky. 

I have seen a 
man that had bin bit 
bi one, drink three 
quarts ov whisky, 
and be sober enuff 
all the time tew jine 
the sons ov tem- 



pranse. 

I hope I never 
shall be bit bi a rat- 
tlesnaix, not so 
mutch on ackount 

ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky. 

I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at oust would 
keep me drunk forevermore. 

The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog. 

I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch 
him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare 
mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole 
without saying grace. 

The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. 
They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and 
if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a 
mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them. 

THE HOOP SNATK. 

This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail 



MORE SNAIKS. 



MORE SNAIX. 195 

in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan 
travel a good gait. 

Thare iz a tradislmn that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, 
and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but 
I think this iz only a lie. 

Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it 
iz a great wonder to me that they don't leave this world en- 
tirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan 
hav a fair show. 

I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop 
snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay 
yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure 
chances. 

The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe 
all yu hear, and more too. 

THE ANAKONDY. 

The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in 
length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and 
kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off. 

They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the 
forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole vil- 
lage in their wrath. 

The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He 
would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would 
be kut up into kord wood bi the natives. 

Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would 
make a lazy fire. 

THE GARTER SNAIX. 

The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz 
ov slipping up a gentlemen's leg, and tieing himself into an 
artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee. 

This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known 
tew result in the deth ov the snaix. 

I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live 
snaix festooned around one ov my legs ; but then I am a ner- 



196 ANIMATED NATUR. 

vous individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around 
on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly. 

I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a 
snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him 
under the chin, and sich like. 

I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if 
I couldn't git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever 
miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze. 

But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think 
the garter snaix iz a mith — a kind of inexplicable thing, iridis- 
kribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the 
old, time-honored garter itself. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment 
in the garter. 

They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen. 

THE EEL SNAIK. 

The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food. 

They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, 
and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot. 

They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, 
for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie them- 
self s and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas. 

I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion 
az an eel off from a hook. 

Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at 
least one eye when I eat them. 

I don't know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but 
they are near enuff to suit me. 

THE SEE SARPENT SNATX. 

The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put 
in an appearanse yet. 

Thare ain't but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 
times az yet. 

The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan 
shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards. 



MORE SNAIX. 197 

He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the 
knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next 
season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their 
rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral 
show. 

This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand 
feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log- 
hous. 

He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet 
from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin. 

He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, 
each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov 
fish for hiz daily support. 

He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him 
tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts. 

He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph 
ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred 
and thirty -six nots an hour. 

The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything 
if he would visit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerikan 
/Snaix, and don't hav tew leave home. 

THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX. 

This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello 
colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern 
whiskey. 

They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and 
are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt's notiss. 

They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and 
thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe 
ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied. 

I have killed them miself in the month ov August when 
they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea- 
sik tew look at them. 

I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper- 
hed and then lay down and die ; it iz almost az unpleasant az 
being hung. 



198 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and 
whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one 
ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated 
man like me tew explain. 

I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power 
ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him 
into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous. 



THE BLU JAY AND OTHEES. 



THE BLUJAY. 

THE blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a 
jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn 

and eat it on a rail. 
They are a miste- 
rious bird, for I hav 
seen them solitary 
and alone in the 
wooded wilderness, 
one hundred miles 
from enny sighnsov 
civilizashun. 

Az a means ov 
diet, they are just 
about az luxurious az 
a biled indigo bag 
would be, such az the 
washwimmin use 
tew blue their clothes 
with. 

The blujay haz no 
son g — t hey kant 
sing even " From Greenland's Icy Mountains ;" but i must 
sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold 
winter's morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at. 




THE BLUJAY. 



THE BLU JAY AND OTHEKS. 199 

It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, 
but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity 
not to lie. 

THE QUAIL. 

The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the 
robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly. 

They hav no song, but w T hissell for musik ; the tune iz soli- 
tary and sad. 

They are shot on the w y ing, and a man may be good in 
arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach 
acceptably, but if he hain't studdied quail on the wing, he 
might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at 
a quail on the go. 

Briled quail, properly supported with jelly s, toast, and a 
champane Charlie, iz just the most difnkult thing, in mi hum- 
ble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sum- 
thing tew drink. 

I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days 
out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am 
asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accom- 
panyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi bed, and then smile 
sweet acquiescence — in other words, I always quail before 
such a request. 

THE PATRIDGE. 

The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum 
on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, 
watching the sportsmen. 

Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az 
a ghost iz. 

It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood 
when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be des- 
cribed and make enny boddy* beleave it. 

The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either 
one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin 
born thare. 



200 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and 
serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the 
ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and A inboy Railroad 
87 1-2 per cent. 

I have eat theze lamentabel Ku Jersey ham sandwich, and 
must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in 
mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding's glue. 

THE WOODKOK. 

The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git 
up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az 
bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork- 
skrew. 

They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most deli- 
kate things. 

They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather 
tender juices and tiny phood 

They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, 
and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az 
quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill 
pond. 

The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a whizz, 
and the last thing a wliurr. 

How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery 
to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a 
red-hot stove. 

I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing 
one ov them yet. 

They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges 
think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers. 

THE GUTJSA HEN. 

The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, 
and bigger than the wild pigeon. 

They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and 
alwas walk on the run. 

They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so 



THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 201 

much on the sly, that they often kan't find them tliemselfs. 

They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff 
tew eat az a half-biled krow. 

They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two 
ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself. 

They are a very shy "bird, and the nearer yu git tew them 
the further they git oph. 

They are more ornamental than useful, but are chiefly 
good tew frighten away hawks. 

They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half 
off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it. 

THE GOSLDf. 

The goslin iz the old goose's yung child. They are yeller 
all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz 
wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster 
oil on the water. 

They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never 
waz known tew die natually. 

If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral 
and square deth, I wouldn't believe him under oath after 
that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose 
die. 

The goose are different in one respekt from the human 
family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer ; whereaz a 
goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish. 

I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last Jane, 
and he didn't look an hour older than one that waz 17. 

The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he 
swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, 
but only changes ends. 

The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet 
apples, hsistj pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, 
raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buck- 
wheat kakes that are left over. ' 

They ain't so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and 
won't git mad and quit if they kan't hav wet toast and lam 
chops every morning for breakfast. 



202 ANIMATED NATUR. 

If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn't want enny 
better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i 
kouldn't suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi 
kalling. 

Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enufF ov 
it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav 
got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside. 

I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum 
more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak 
empty with plate, and tells yu, " Mister, the roast goslin iz 



SMALL-SIZED YEEMIN. 



THE GETJB. 

THE grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, 
i never have saw a checkered grub so far. 

I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub. 

The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten 
logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living. 

They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew. 

They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork. 

They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi 
a skrew-d river. 

They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free 
from anger az a tudstool. 

Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan. 

I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov 
April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down be- 
hind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, 
kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty 
seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov 
trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on 
the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer. 



SMALL-SIZED VERMIN. 



203 



I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be presi- 
dent ov the United States for the same length ov time. 

Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz 
a glory in it, az kra- 
zy, aud az safe, az 
soda water. 

It don't take 
mutch tew make me 
happy, but it will 
take more munny 
than enny man on 
this futtstool, haz 
got, tew buy out the 
little stock I alwuss 
keep on hand. 

THE LADY BUG. 

The lady bug iz 
the most genteel 
vermin in market. 

They are spotted 
red and blak for col- 
or, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don't look un- 
like a drop ov red sealing wax. 

They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and 
are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt 
skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans. 

The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them 
in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime • 

" Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home, 

Your house is on fire, and your children will roam.' 

Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for 
home in a grate hurry. 

The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster's unabridged 
dont tell us for what. 

Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what 
they waz built for, i dont blame the bug. 




204: ANIMATED NATUK. 

I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even 
wiggles, and the- i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about 
the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i 
hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain. 

Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order. 

THE TREE-TITD. 

Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends ? If yu 
didn't, cum with me next July, and i will sho yu one. 

Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physi- 
kally they aint. 

They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, 
a lied on one side ov them, and a tail on the other. 

They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree 
of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea- 
kittle when she is cooking water. 

Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a 
phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, 
and appearing exactly like the spot where they set. 

I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. 
They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and hold 
az the yelk ov an egg. 

The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they 
dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages. 

A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an 
ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song. 

They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov. 

THE POKKUPmE. 

The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck. 

They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf. 

They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a 
chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives. 

It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers 
like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood. 

An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he 



SMALL-SIZED VERMIN. 205 

would a phire brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like ur- 
chins into a sugar hogshed. 

The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled 
with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out. 

A porkupine's quill when it enters goes klean .thru and 
dims out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they 
hav got. 

The porkupine iz not bad yittles, their meat tastes like pork 
and beans with the beans left out. 

They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew. 

1 hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over 
on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their 
prickers a dozen ov them. 

I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny 
tew beleave it yet. 

Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill , it may be only a 
hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will 
hold. 



This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a 
hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov pro- 
porshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat. 

They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i 
waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov 
the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the 
whole of the log. 

They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and 
look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave 
there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water. 

All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man 
now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat 
waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew 
intersect a devil's darning needle. 

They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys 
and their devilish appearance generally. (See Webster's 
unabridged on this subjekt. 



BAMKODS. 

THE higher up we git, the more we are watched — the roos- 
ter on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more impor- 
tance, altho' he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard. 

If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in 
life iz more ova wonder tew them, than it iz to you. 

Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would 
be like a bob-tailed pekok,' anxious to hide under sumbody's 
barn. 

I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in 
bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk. 

Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal. 

A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided — it iz 
like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin. 

All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end 
it viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs 
renew a drawn battle, every time they meet. 

Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or 
having a hi offis hold us. 

If a man iz full ov himself, don't tap him, but rather plugg 
him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust. 

Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov 
necessity. 

The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart 
haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own. 

I don't think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she 

206 



RAMRODS. 



207 



was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it 
blind, too. 

It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man's advice, than 
hiz example. 

The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), 
all kno how purswa- 
siv the wife iz — espe- 
shily when she wants 
sumthing. 

I konsider a weak 
man more dangerous 
than a malishus one, 
malishus men hav 
sum karacter, but 
weak ones don't have 



enny. 

I hav notissed one 
thing, that the most 
virtewous and dis- 
kreet folks we hav 
amungst us, are thoze 
who hav either no 
pashuns all, or verry 

tame ones — it iz a ramrods. 

grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. 

The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a 
millyun he iz a genius. 

Yirtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility. 

Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on ac- 
count ov their gravity. 

He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on hea- 
ven. 

Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more 
yu hunt them, the more the flea. 

Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be 
more happeness than we should kno what to do with. 

When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy 




208 AFFURISMS. 

else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by 
calling him a "poor devil." 

Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin lias 
its imposters. 

It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the lit- 
tle pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu 
kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness ; the 
openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the 
skin. 

When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, 
then Ave are in love in good arnest. 

If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted. 

Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and 
we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov 
interest az principle. 

It don't show good judgment to be surprized at ennything 
in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncer- 
tainty. 

Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz 
susceptible tew flattery ; sum yu kan daub it on with a white- 
wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like 
the dew from flowers. 

Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided 
it agrees with ours. 

Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and hum- 
ble before God. 

Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our 
mortality, if nothing else will. 

Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt 
end ov it. 

If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, 
vice would not be half so attraktive. 

Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie 
evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch 
a fox bi argument, we shouldn't hav to set a trap for him. 

Prosperity makes us all honest. 

Love iz a child ov the heart ; and it iz lucky if the head iz 
the father ov it. 



LOBSTIR SALLAD. 209 

A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he 
don't seem tew kno exacklj how he got in, nor exackly how 
he iz going to get out. 

Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he 
swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morn- 
ing. 

Everyboddy's friend should be noboddy's confidant. 

Love iz like the meazles ; we kant have it bad but onst, and 
the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us. 

Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing 
so hard to apply. 

Thare ain't but phew men who kan stick a white hanker- 
chef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a 
little ov it stick out — just bi acksident. 



LOBSTIE SALLAD. 



A SLANDER iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the 
fust bio, yu better not strike at it. 

Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs. 

I make this distinkshun between charakter and reputashun 
— reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, charakter iz 
what the world knows ov us. 

What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt 
for peace and quiet. 

No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi coutradikting 
lies. 

Anxiety alwus steps on itself. 

Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe. 

Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont 
brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy. 

It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good luck: 
often makes a famous one. 

Opinyuns are like other vegetables,, worth just what they 
will fetch. 



210 AFFURISMS. 

I think most men had rather be charged with malice than 
with making a blunder. 

Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a 
fool sober, and a wize man frisky. 

I don't beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing 
in him to show that God made him. 

I suppoze that one reazon whi the " road to ruin " iz broad, 
iz tew accomodate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun. 

I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than 
tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else — for i think i 
like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy. 

A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz 
blowed up, and. then ain't good for nothing after it iz pricked. 

A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius — if a man's 
genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one. 

\ r anity iz seldom malishous. 

A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word. 

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would 
find fault with the whole blassted consarn — put a Yankee in, 
and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage — put 
an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing — put 
a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it! 

When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are 
getting it, call him a phool. 

Men mourn for what they hav lost — wimmin, for what 
they hain't got. 

I judge ov a man's virtew entirely bi his phashions — it iz 
a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. 

Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how 
honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the 
extent ov hiz vanity. 

A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line. 

!N atur iz a kind mother. She couldn't well afford to make 
us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings. 

Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur ; there 
ain't no human natur in a man's head. 

Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest. 



MOLLASSIS KANDY. 211 

Beware ov the man with half -shut eyes — he ain't dreaming. 

Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones. 

Advice iz a drug in the market ; the supply alwus exceeds 
the demand. 

One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to 
be a good listener. 

Fools are the whet-stones ov society. 

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend. 

Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum. 

Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, 
musn't forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a 
long time before they will forgit the world. 

Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz 
talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, never- 
theless, to wit, verily, amen. 

Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffiing 
is only a weakness in phools. 

I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than 
it can show. 

"Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the 
" wimmins' rights bizzness," then i am going to take mi hat 
under mi arm and jine the procession. 

Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze 
we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to. 

Praize that ain't deserved iz no better than slander. 

There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural 
ones the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool. 



MOLLASSIS KANDY 



THAKE iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollas- 
sis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz al- 
wus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it. 

I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, 
on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every 
chance he kan git. 



212 



AFFURISMS. 



Praze and abuse, are botli good in their place, but if I kan't 
hav but one, give me the abuse. 

Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York 

City, are in a grate 
hurry, and are either 
mad, petulant, or 
sassy, and the reazon 
iz they are all ov 
them in pursuit ov 
munny, and only one 
out ov 10 gits it. 

Next tew the man 
who iz wuth a mill- 
yun, in point ov 
wealth, iz the man, 
who don't kare a 
kuss for it. 

A reputashun for 
happiness needs az 
mutch watching az 
a reputashun for 
honesty. 

When yu strike ile, 
stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all 
the ile run out at the bottom. 

I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and 
praying that ev r ery boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, 
and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same 
bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole 
thing iz kontained in this passage, " the devil take the hind- 
most." 

Success don't konsist in never making blunders, but in 
never making the same one the seckond time. 

He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky 
when he gits it. 

While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, 
after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys. . 




MOLLASSIS KANDY. 



M0LLAS6IS KANDY. 213 

Tbare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the lad- 
der in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we 
mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer. 

Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi 
it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us. 

When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, 
he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware 
ov. 

The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a 
bis: beam in hiz brothers. 

Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint 
got, but what we hav got less than others. 

The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not 
pervert, iz hiz conshience. 

Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the re- 
sult ov being dissatisfied with onrselfs. 

Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew 
make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that pro- 
porshun, he iz a dead beat. 

Early genius iz like early cabbage, don't head well. 

It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a 
ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5 ; i found this out more than 
7 years ago. 

Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi let- 
ting go, tew spit on hiz hands. 

Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo. 

About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an 
obituary notiss. 

Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones. 

I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens. 

The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz 
it more out of pride of himself, than love for her. 

If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns 
the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher. 

The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho 
us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov 
themselfs 



214 AFFURISMS 

Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth. 
The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who 
iz alwus honest with himself. 

I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it 
haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life. 

Life ain't long enuff for enny man tew kno himself. 

Virtew don't konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in 
the control ov them ; — a man without enny pashuns iz sim- 
ply az virtewous az a graven image. 

One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, 
iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick. 

Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaint- 
ance. 

Don't forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand peo- 
ple in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu. 

Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az polite- 
ness, and none more profitable. 

Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this 
world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being 
witty that we claim for ourselfs. 

Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the 
offence. 

Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful, — be thank- 
ful, and yu are sure tew be happy. 

He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very danger- 
ous man. 

Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be 
alwus in a hurry. 

Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur. 

A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with 
ennything. 

Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and 
altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a 
time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov 
her buty. 

Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and chang- 
ed with grater. 



PUDDIN AND MILK. 215 

The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, 
iz death. 

Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute. 



PUDDIN AND MILK. 



LOYE iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in 
love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan. 

The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and 
what he leaves behind him he never had. 

Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while 
natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient. 

Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take. 

Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer an- 
other, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been 
torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all 
the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth — pity iz 
nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great 
deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so. 

Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she 
will run after you. 

Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing? 

If i was a going to paint apikter of Faith, Affection and Hon- 
esty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin 
his tail. 

The devil iz a mean kuss ; he never keeps hiz own prom- 
ises, but alwus makes us keep ours. 

Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive. 

There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price 
for az they do for repentance. 

Laws are made, customs grow — laws hav tew be executed, 
customs execute themselves — laws begin where customs end. 

Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words. 

Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster 
now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty 
times a day bi skratching hiz head. 



216 AFFURISMS. 

The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowl- 
edge iz a byeway. 

Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew. 

I don't know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity 
sum boddy else. 

Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan 
git brightened by it, not ground. 

We shouldn't f orgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee 
simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed 
may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked 
out. 

Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice. 

Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill 
it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket 
during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz din- 
ner. 

I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had 
plenty to dew, and did it. 

Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man 
his due, without robbing yourself. 

Natur iz jist az honest az a cow. 

Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew 
make the company suspekt you — i mean suspekt yu ov know- 
ing a grate deal more than yu aktually do. 

If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov ~Nu York 
citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav 
tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from commit- 
ting suicide. 

People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally 
more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, 
when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, " thare 
ainH no hope for him" i tell him he ought tew know awl 
about it, and i guess iz more than half right. 

What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch 
advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove them- 
selves. 

Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be 
proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright. 



PLUM PITS. 217 

A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate 
poultry in a family. 

Az a ginral thing the man who marry s a woman ov more 
nppercrnst than himself will find the woman more anxious 
tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him 
up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level. 

Titles are valuable ; they make us acquainted with menny 
persons who otherwise would be lost aiming the rubbish. 

Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts. 

Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow, if yu will 
smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other. 

It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell 
exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who 
will do it. 

Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than coun- 
ter fi ting. 

Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi 
the end ov the tail. 

The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog 
in a pen fatted for a show. 



PLUM PITS. 

IT iz a grate art to kno how tew listen. 
This seems to be about the way it iz did : When we are 
yung, we run into difikultys, and w T hen we git old, we fall 
into them. 

Love seems tew hav this efFekt, it makes a yung man sober, 
and an old man gay. 

Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az 
a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a 
burnt coquet and miller we hav. 

It ain't bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so 
often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up. 

I don't kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if 
they ever do, they don't kno it. 



218 



AFFURISMS. 



About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz 
tew quit them. 

. I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love 
as to see a dandy. 

The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part 
their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on 
them. 

The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to w T ear 

pulled out A PLUM ne w silk clothes, and 

the chief end ov 

man seems to be 

to pay for them. 

About all that this 
far famed Philos- 
ophy kan teach us, iz 
tew suffer pain, and 
not own it, and it 
seems to hav reach- 
ed the hight of its 
ambishun w hen it 
courts sorrow, for 
the sake ov being a 
martyr. 

Pure ign oran se, 
after all, iz the best 
alloy for vanity, for 
a vain phool iz quite 
harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun 
in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us. 
There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off 
from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle 
him to commiserashun. 

Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their 
money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use. 
If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, 
if yu desire laming, studdy dikshionarys. 

I think opportunity^ are made full az often az they happen. 




PLUM PITS. 219 

I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most im- 
portance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires. 

It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are be- 
low us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, 
without envy. 

Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see 
thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff 
tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint 
got sense enuff tew be good. 

The man who don't kno himself iz a poor judge ov the 
other phellow. 

Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one 
abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us. 

Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a 
frivilous yung one at 60. 

Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged 
tew flatter thoze whom we don't respekt enuff to praze. 

Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle. 

We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to 
eskape ourselfs. 

The truly innosent are thOze who not only are guiltless 
them self es, but who think others are. 

To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be 
simply az courageous az a beast. 

Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in 
this world — persekuted for the devil's sakeiz not so common. 

Don't be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a 
while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest. 

I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blun- 
ders, but I don't luv them. 

I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while 
weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt 
tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces. 

I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i 
have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew 
every man living. 

The greatest blessing that the great and good God can 
bestow on enny human being iz humility. 



220 AFFURISMS. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin ; but the poetry and 
the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor. 

Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the coun- 
try, wliare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf 
a little ; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon 
aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertise- 
ments onto. 

How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to 
korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it. 

I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism ; i beleave in let- 
ting every man light hiz rooster hiz own way. 

Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed ; the man who 
owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have 
it just alike. 

If we giv np our minds tew little things we never shall be n't 
for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies 
with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and 
he want good at ennything else. 

Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and 
wanting what yu hav. 

Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that 
achieves suckcess. 

The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches 
the most. 

Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to lazy- 
ness. 

Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often' 
allows them to take her by the hand. 

Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a 
mixtur. 

Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy. 

Sekrets are like the meazles — they take eazy and spred eazy. 

The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and 
the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are 
growing old. 

We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most 
always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures. 



CHIPS. 221 

The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rale the judge- 
ment. 

Advice iz like kissing — it don't kost nothing, and iz a pleaz- 
ant thine to do. 

o 

One ov the most dinikult, and at the same time one ov the 
most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we 
aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz. 



CHIPS. 

DONT mistake a donnkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes 
are often on the lookout sideways. 

" It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another 
thing tew Jind them. 

" It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples 
ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for 
others tew foller. 

" Humor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, 
and then ashes. 

" The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss 
than abuse ; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than 
tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend. 

" Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys ; a flag ov truce ; to the 
righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss. 

" If you are looking after happiness don't take the turn- 
pike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, 
and find it less crowded and dursty. 

" Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, 
but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain't 
perfekt without a good deal ov sugar. 

" Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted 
citty. 

" Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, yu 
might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, 
or the grease out ov fat pork. 



222 AFFURISMS. 

"A witty writer is like a porkupine, biz quill makes no 
distinktion between a friend and a foe. 

"About one-balf the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov 
gitting tired ov ourselfs. 

" Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man 
could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him. 

" He that marry s a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov 
Divine Providence. 

" Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time 
after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long 
before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living. 

" Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz 
like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn 
them tew see in the dark. 

" Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing hap- 
pens by acksident awl things may ; Heaven haz no beureau 
ov acksidents. 

" We should be kerf ul how we encourage luxury s, it iz but 
a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile 
and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back 
agin. 

" Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the 
showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden 
the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul 
cheerful. 

" Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) 
among the lowly az among the ritch ; the poor devil with a 
whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and 
the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts 
up and down the alley. 

" We only love them that we fear. This may be only one 
of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now. 

" The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be 
envyed, nor so poor az to be damned. 

" Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need ? cer- 
tainly ; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow. 

" Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds. 



KOARSE SHOT. 



223 



" Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate 
vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what 
haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that. 

"Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov 
boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst." 



KOARSE SHOT. 

WHENEVER yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the 
jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job. 
The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor 
originals. It iz a 



grate deal eazier tew 
be a philosopher af- 
ter a man haz had a 
warm meal than it 
iz when he don't 
kno whare he iz a 
going tew git one. 
Most men lament 
their condishun in 




life, but thare are 



but phew, after all, 
who are superior to 
it. 

To never dispair 
may be God like, 
but it ain't human. 
Affektashun looks 
well in a monkey. 

Trieing tew de- 
fine love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru 
the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got ducked. 

The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself. 



KOARSE SHOT. 



224 AFFURISMS. 

What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that nobod- 
dy ever saw one. 

The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the 
money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv 
on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the 
principle unimpaired. 

A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one. 

It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real pos- 
sessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it. 

Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch in- 
iquity aiming the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew 
their numbers. 

A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool 
so little, az when alone. 

Avarice iz az hungry az the grave. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like 
jewellry, more for ornament than use. 

I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt 
ov konstitushun than ov principle. 

About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew 
bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure. 

Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless. 

Thare are menny j^eople who not only beleave that this 
world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the 
axis. 

Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too 
proud ov the job. 

I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare 
iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the 
yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones 
never do. 

The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no 
check, would end in their destrukshun. 

A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package. 

A vishns old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and 
hated in heaven. 

The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan 
lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back. 



KOARSE SHOT. 225 

Bashfulness iz cither the effek ov ignorance or modesty — 
if it iz ignorance, edukaslmn changes it into impertinence — 
if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got 
one single virtew left. 

Marrying for buty iz a poor speknlashnn, for enny man 
who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her 
az yu hay. 

Hope iz the germ, Faith the blossom, and Charity the 
fruit. 

Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter 
enemy — the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us 
on. 

"Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure 
sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend 
indeed. 

When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew 
him than i will to a country cur who barks at me ; this will 
make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs. 

Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, 
it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable. 

Thare ain't mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good 
deal ov phisick in phun. 

Men will forgit injury s eazier than kontempt ; they had 
rather be hated than not noticed. 

I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i 
find it is largely made up ov grunts, groans and growls, varied 
with huffs, hoots, and howls. 

I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good rea- 
sons for it. 

About the empty est thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with 
nothing in it — it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole. 

The man who pitys every boddy, wants watching, for the 
chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples 
misfortunes. 

It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making 
everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you. 

The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute. 

m 



226 AFFURISMS. 

SLIPS OF THE PEST. 

THE wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience — eduka- 
shun don't improve it. 
If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed 
him high on oats — it iz jiss so with mankind. 

Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what 
bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and 
then stick him at it while he iz limber — men alwus pole vines 
before they begin tew run mutch. 

The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git 
into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels 
by not tuching it, but I kant. 

The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are 
raized — one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking 
and scratching than a duzen duz. 

It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make 
money by telling the truth — it iz aktually an evidense ov 
genius. 

It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug's tail that shines ; 
it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant — it iz 
jist so with virtew. 

Kussing revenge iz like nussing a yung hedgehog — the 
older he grows, the sharper hiz quills. 

The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock — 
hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and 
grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works 
that are inside ov him. 

Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards 
tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would 
take the wrong road. 

Most people travel to see and be seen ; but few to compare. 
Fools are telling us (confidensally) " that time is short /" 
but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch 
az it duz in the length ov the fools. 

Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen ; old 
people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and 
bolted. 



SLIPS OF THE PEN. 227 

The only way tew truli enjoy ennytliing iz tew be willing 
tew quit it when the bell rings. 

Time iz like a fair wind — if we don't set our sails, we looze 
that breeze forever. 

We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 com- 
mandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth ; but 
who f oilers them ? 

Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i 
would respekfully ask, if he ain't a ded beat ? Iz thare a 
single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the 
halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass ? 

Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same 
thing az being born agin. 

"Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun," and Patient 
Wright iz the father. 

It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway 
yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New 
York citty whoze heart wasn't dead broke. 

Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain ; and 
even that ain't always a safe investment. 

Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what 
it kan pick up. 

The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav 
bin won by the rod and the katechism. 

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in 
this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums 
tew git up, the lamb will be missing. 

Chastity iz like glassware — too much frost in it makes it 
more brittle. 

Yirtew, backed up by courage, iz the perf ekshun ov human 
natur. I don't reckon mercy nor pity always amung the 
virtews ; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz 
the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn't hav enny 
mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish ; neither would i hav a 
man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, 
that it iz virtew that ails him. 

Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom ! ! — freedom 



228 AFFURISMS. 

to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins ! I 
had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be 
a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days. 

Thelazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dun- 
bar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin 
her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in 
one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain't had the meazles yet ; 
he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, 
who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years 
old, in crossing a korn-field ; the punkin-vines took after him 
and smothered him to death. 



GLASS DIMOJSTDS. 



IF we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the 
good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove 
than admire. 

The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that 
I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an 
inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax. • 

Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the 
world haz ever produced ; one lived in a tub, and the other in 
a palace. 

Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing 
what others kant git. 

Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and 
it would bother menny ov us tew git a living. 

Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but 
no one ever saw one yet. 

Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git 
it, and then work harder to keep it. 

I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shu- 
makers praze. 

Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart. 

I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that 
the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous. 



GLASS DIMONDS. 



229 



Here iz just what's the matter — if yu shut yureself up folks 
will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut 
themselfs up. 

Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az 
thare iz between the 
ile and the essence 
of peppermint. 

It iz a safe kalku- 
lashun that the more 
praze a man iz wil- 
ling to take, the less 
he deserves. 

Thare iz but phew 
people in this world 
underrated. 

Honesty iz the 
only aristokrasy that 
i ackno w e 1 e d g e ; 
an honest man iz al- 
wus a well-bred man 
and a gentleman. 

Politeness iz not 
only the most power- 
ful, but the cheapest argument I kno ov 



GLASS DIMONDS. 

The more wrinkles 
i kan see in a man's face the better i like it, provided a smile 
lays in each one ov the gutters. 

The philosophers tell us that "natur abhors a vacum." 
This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds. 

Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes 
menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them 
tew sosiety. 

If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz 
gone in a minnit. 

We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows amung our 
nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with. 

Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the 
world kan afford tew hav liv in solitude. 




230 AFFURISMS. 

If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he 
would be happy here, he would be so lonesum. 

It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew 
follow it duz. 

Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes 
sum most brilliant hits. 

Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three. 

He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it. 

Ridikule that ain't true haz no partikular power. 

I wouldn't giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all the 
fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur. 

Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a 
good deal ov nussing. 

No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessf ul now days, 
unless it haz got a good orkestra in it. 

Hope iz a thoughtless jade — she often cheats us, but she 
haz no malace. 

When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well in- 
vested, but az i get older i cypher different. 

God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them 

Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together. 

Ambishun tew shine in everything iz a sure way tew put a 
man's kandell all out. 

Man's make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don't kno 
which ov the two iz the most powerfullest. 

A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he 
iz both. 

Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness ; 
our bad luck we giv the gods credit for. 

Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan 
tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor. 

Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous. 

I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times 
before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth 
listening to. 

It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man's karak- 
ter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage. 



JEWS HARPS. 231 

It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short ; 
this shows that the fault ain't in the amunishun. 

Tliare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like 
a baloon, are willing tew cum down like a chunk. 



JEWS HAKPS. 

A GENTLEMAN iz a gentleman the world over, — loafers 
differ. 

Benevolence, iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human 
kindness. 

Courage without discretion, iz a ram with horns on both 
ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to. 

Hunting after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep 
in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz 
a skeleton. 

A dog iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than 
he luvs himself. 

Thare iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure 
buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, 
who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at. 

Old friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest. 

Lies are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call 
a man " Father," when he least expekts it. 

All money that iz well spent, iz a good investment. 

If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let 
our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more 
souls saved. 

Before i would preach the gospel az some ministers are 
obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Neb- 
udkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew grass to. 

Contentment is the vittles, and drink ov the soul. 

Did yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze 
father could with justiss, brag about hiz son ? 

The safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility. 



232 AFFTJRISMS. 

The man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle- 
worm, never gits far away from hiz hole. 

A brilliant blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best 
hits. 

Tyranny iz often changed, but never destroyed. 

Sucking a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal 
like trieing tew liv on buty. 

I never knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt 
gravity, nor a truly wize man, whoze face was not al wus cocked 
and primed, for a laugh. 

Prudery iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed. 

New York citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phu- 
neral procession, unless yu have got the fassest hoss. 

Truth, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness. 

A pompous man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure mal- 
ice tew prick him. 

The money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal 
alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest. 

Pitty costs nothing, — and aint worth nothing. 

What men kant do, they are apt to admire, — they dont 
criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one. 

Poverty is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all 
ov us dread, but none ov us pitty. 

Thare iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfor- 
tunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting. 

It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav 
committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to com- 
mit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days. 

I thank God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy 
else iz happy, i am sure to be. 

Most men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi follow- 
ing the lay ov the ground. 

In youth we run into difflcultys, in old age, difnkultys runs 
into us. 

" Tmus ain't az they used tew be " — this haz bin the sol- 
ium, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy. 

Secrets are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate 



TAD POLES 233 

them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze" the inter- 
est on the investment. 

Persecuted for the Devil's sake, iz what sinners git for 
their allegiance. 

Sum people won't beleave enny thing they kant prove ; 
the things i can't prove, are the very things i beleave the most. 

Pride never shows itself more disgustingly than in the 
pomp ov a phuneral. 

Happiness iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from 
labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer. 

Good examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they 
kan enakt. 

The devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that 
ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total 
depravity, or he wouldn't hav undertook tew tempt the 
Saviour. 

A ' " gentleman about town," iz one who pays cash foi 
everything except hiz debts. 

Money iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins. 

A pedant iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam 
broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov 
the learned. 

Thare iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize 
men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the 
only thing that will make a phool feel respektable. 

When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the well- 
fair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who 
iz hunting for a misfortune. 



TADPOLES. 

$ 

ONE ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt 
ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never 
reddy. 

Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obey- 
ing them. 



234 



AFFURISMS. 



I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a 
man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants 
and vanities gratified. 

When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, 
and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for 
a Christian. 

Yung man, larn tew listen ! — i don't mean at a key-hole. 

Thare iz plenty 
tA\^^?; r ',^ ov happiness in this 

life if we only knu 
it : and one way tew 
find it iz, when we 
hav got the old ru- 
matiz tew thank 
Heaven that it aint 
the old gout. 

Men are blamed 
for sticking their 
noze into things; 
but it iz the only 
way a dog tracks out 



hiz game. 

The man who kan 

live in idleness suc- 

cessfully, must 

either be too pure or 

tadpoles. too lazy to commit 

ennv sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati ; 

sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite. 

Inkredulity iz the wisdum ova phool ; it iz only a wize man 
who kan afford tew be credulous. 

Pfigjudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if 
yu take it out doors amungst pholks. 

The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty 
well. 

What iz the next wust thing tew lieing ? Gitting ketched 
at it. 




TADPOLES. 235 

I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if. 
a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for 
a debt ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn't kompound with 
him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than clef end the 
suit. 

I hav noticed this diffrence between people — thare is some 
who are not az big phools as they look. 

Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espesh- 
liy the full stop. 

I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they 
wouldn't admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this 
world, not even tew a nu haif dollar. 

If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle 
and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword 

Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like 
the money he gits by hard knoxs. 

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and appa- 
rently braneless hed — but i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know. 

Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide. 

Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness. 

He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not 
only a wize man, but a good one. 

Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, 
and wants a heap ov watching. 

The malice ov the world ain't hafF so dangerous az its flat- 
terys. 

If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may 
snap at mi heels. 

Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing 
tew stop up a rat hole with sand — the rats will soon dig out 
sum whare else. 

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered 
that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, 
" That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me." 

Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare 
iz but one real preventative, and that iz — tew be vacksinated 
with deaf and dumbness. 



236 AFFURISMS. 

Keally wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but 
one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and 
drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides. 

We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. 
We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we 
would shudder at a 10 dollar bill. 

Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that 
makes me like him so mutch. 

Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don't phur- 
nish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sum- 
thing wuss ; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap 
dogs and sick monkeys. 

Poverty iz the step mother ov genius. 

Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, 
and who purrs when he talks ; he iz a kat in disguise. 

It iz now 80 years ago since a phellow with green goggles 
on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 
cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I've forgot what it 
waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a 
year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got 
beat every time. 

When shame leaves a man, the handle goes out, and hiz 
soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal 
pashuns. 

Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which 
we have tew pay the highest price. 

Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner. 

" Time iz money" — menny people take this saying in its 
literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it. 

Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes — two 
dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful. 

Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red 
sum authors who were too original tew be interesting. 

Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare 
never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates 
with them. 

If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very 
viscions. 



PEPPER PODS. 237 

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz 
the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz niunny — a mere 
pimp tew hiz welth. 

One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor 
and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury. 

I don't think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant 
wit yet, who waz not troubled at times w T ith the — hiccups. 

Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute. 

The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal 
line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, and branes, 
are in order. 

Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts. 

I've seen men so fun-proof that yukouldn't fire a joke into 
them with a dubble-barreled gun. 

Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in every- 
thing, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork 
one day and the beans the next. 

If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that 
ever lived, i would say it waz him who never told a lie. 

The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizz- 
ness, iz making money. 

Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse 
in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his 
phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed. 



PEPPEK PODS. 



IF yn hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz gen- 
erosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew 
hiz back. 

A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their 

minds, who hadn't got enny minds when they war at home ; 

knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred. 

Afnckshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew 

the virtewous. 



238 AFFURISMS. 

Noboddy but a pliool will spend liiz time trieing tew con- 
vince a pliool. 

\| Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the 
further we make it go. 

The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy 
politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking. 

Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered 
at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov 
men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment. 

He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgag- 
ing himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable 
creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take 
possession ov the premises. 

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew 
perf eckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake 
tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. Moral : 
studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice. 

Young man don't marry abuv or below yure rank, not 
that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custom 
in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel. 

Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who 
had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him 
agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for 
that rabbit ever since. 

The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys 
— digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz 
the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and 
sleep well, and yet are sick all the time — theze are the folks 
who alwus enjoy poor health. 

If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if 
yu don't strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a 
crack. 

A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good 
deal like a hen's egg that haz been sot on for a short time, 
and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out 
ennything. 



PEPPER PODS. 239 

"People ov good sense 79 are thoze whoze opinyuns agree 
with ours. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in onr big 
citys, people who eat Mam soup out ov a tin basin with a 
gold spoon. 

The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and wor- 
ship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe. 

Experience don't make a man so bold az it duz so careful. 

Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik ; 
it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like 
a sled stake. 

Thare ain't but very little ginowine good sense in this 
world enny how, and what little thare iz ain't in market, it 
iz held for a dividend. 

Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov 
enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew 
them : " To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repent- 
ance" 

Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and 
strengthens our virtew — even a boy never feels half so good 
az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool. 

Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know 
in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that 
under every man's knose whom yu meet. 

Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about 
yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and 
az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how. 

Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living 
with her iz the proze ; and this iz all well enuff if the taste ov 
the poetry hain't spilte our relish for the proze. 

The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissa- 
pointment. 

The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he 
haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children 
amung them. 

Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the mid- 
dle, and settlings at the bottom. 



240 AFFURISMS. 

We should liv r in this life az tho we war walking on glaze 
ice, liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the 
bystanders. 

Men, if they ain't too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, 
and destroy the time a good deal az follows : the fust 30 
years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 
they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns 
hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throw- 
ing bizzness, and massing the rumatizz. 

This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for 
sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az 
going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a 
sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a 
cow tew back up and be milked. 



HOOKS & EYES. 

TH ARE are people who dont do ennything but watch their 
simptoms. I hav seen dogs aekt just az sensible, i hav 
seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a 
board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't 
cum out. 

The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any 
good. 

The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in ex- 
pectancy. 

After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we 
either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better 
than to be dispised. 

Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they 
kant tell the truth without lieing. 

Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew 
speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind 
hiz back. 

I am rather favourably impressed with Gin and Milk, az an 



HOOKS & EYES. 



241 



extrakt, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with 
sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to rec- 
komend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he 
knows hiz people better than i do. 

A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff 
country out ov hiz 
mind, but he never 
kan out ov hiz heart. 

I don't suppoze 
thare haz ever lived 
in this world, a man 
who haz improved 
the whole ov hiz op- 
portunity and abili- 
ty's. 

Wimmin quite 
often possess supe- 
rior tallents, but their 
genius lays in their 
pashuns. 

Love haz a most 
vorashus appetight, 
but a poor digestion, 
what it feeds o n 
most alwus distresses 
it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew 
pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno 
az we are obliged tew let them kno it. 

Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble. 

The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz 
no room for suspicion. 

Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the 
most phoolish things. 

It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning.. It iz just 
so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long 
az they kan git enny thing else. 

The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don't 
kare if he sprung from a dunghill. 16;f; 




HOOKS AND EYES. 



242 AFFURISMS. 

Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave 
what we kant understand. 

Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb. 

When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. 
When we are old, too seldum. 

Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny 
blunders az thoze who don't beleave "that enny good thing 
ever came out ov Nazareth. " 

We lay all of our bad Ink tew sum boddy else, but our suc- 
cesses we giv ourself kredit for. 

Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az 
unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant. 

A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov 
mollassis kandy that haz half melted. 

Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least 
tew hav jokes played upon them. 

One ov the most diffikult things for an old person tew for- 
git and at the same time the most necessary, iz that they are 
no longer young. 

Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles — the pa- 
shunt alwus haz it light. 

Men in luv alwus akt like phoois or lunatiks, ackordin tew 
the amount ov their branes. 

It iz better tew be stubborn than weak. 

There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew 
be obliged tew flatter another. 

Most men had rather be ritch than wize. 

Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we 
often see the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize 
the most timid. 

About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for usiz 
tew make death a relief. 

Phoois are alwus a wishing for sumthing. 

To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov 
enny man. 

Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew 
hiz boddy. 



HOOKS & EYES. 243 

When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see 
no money in me, them i am happy. 

He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good 
chance. 

Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a con- 
vent, if we could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, 
we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us 
more hurt, than enny boddy else. 

The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be 
abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others. 

If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse 
to bo born. 

What iz the principal difference between poverty and 
ritches ? — poverty kant be worse, and may be better ; ritches 
kan be better, and may be worse, — the difference iz in favor 
of poverty. 

We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov 
human natur, than the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru 
our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon. 

A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums 
resignashun. 

The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do 
better next time. 

Pashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a 
little one. 

Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, 
yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov. 

Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same 
effekt on a man's mind, that too mutch eating, and too little 
exercise haz on hiz boddy. 

The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed 
trouble — things that are always a going tew happen never do 
happen. 

Face all things ! — even advertisy iz polite tew a man's face. 

A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply 
remembered it. 

Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the 
best that haz been discovered yet. 



244 AFFURISMS. 

Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, 
and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised. 

If I had a boy whose hair wouldn't part in the middle, I 
should bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up 
the boy. 



JAW BONES. 

DEY GOODS are worshiped in this world now more 
than the Lord iz. 

Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made ; coun- 
cilling with hope iz the way heroes are made ; councilling 
with faith iz the way Christians are made. 

Pleazure iz like a hornet — generally ends with a sting. 

The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze 
who live in the subburbs ov virtew — they are rotten ice. 

Lazyness iz a good deal like money — the more a man haz 
ov it, the more he seems tew want. 

Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virtew ; money and 
titles and fever sores kan be inherited. 

The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits — tender, 
but tasteless. 

Life iz like a mountain — after climbing up one side and 
sliding down the other, put up the sled. 

When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up 
for a critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz 
brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering 
tew bob it. 

The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he 
iz alwus on hand. 

Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it. 

Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz igno- 
ranse. 

Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy. 

Reputashun iz like money — the principal is often lost by 
putting it out at interest. 



MUZICAL DUETT, 




II. — An Italian Oyster-grinder. 



(244) 



ODS AND ENS. 5445 

Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love an- 
other more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous. 

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not 
find enny fault at all, wouldn't hesitate tew say tew an angle 
worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz 
boddy. 

Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who 
won't pay for making up. 

Envy iz an insult tew a man's good sense ; for envy iz the 
pain we feel at the excellencies ov others. 

How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like 
the pith in a goose quill. 



ODS AKD ENS. 



"lyTATUR never makes enny blunders. When she makes 
-L l a phool she means it. 

I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov 
mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, 
for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while 
edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints. 

I never knu a man yet whoze name waz George Washing- 
ton Lafayette Goodrich, Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name 
for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than 
he waz by natur. 

As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person 
iz neat in hiz morals. 

Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related 
tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews. 

Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blun- 
ders, and the individual so menny, as a man's acktual impor- 
tanse among hiz fellow critters. 

A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, 
very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth. 

The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they 



24:6 



AFFURISMS. 



cease to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded. 

The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this 

iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun 

haz made more phools 
than the Lord haz. 

About the nearest 
tew absolute insolven- 
cy that a man kan git 
in this world, and 
think he iz dieing rich, 
iz to leave nothing 
but a pedigree tew 
hiz family. 

I don't pretend 
tew hav enny less vile 
pashuns than my na- 
bors, but i do despize 
the person, most hearti- 
ly, who caters tew 
thoze i hav got. 

The man who kant 
find enny thing to do 
in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer. 

Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so 
much and pays so little az revenge. 

Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew 
doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement. 

Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientif- 
fick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew 
enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientifiick one without under- 
standing it. 

It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that 
iz most generally taken. 

Don't lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like plant- 
ing tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools. 

No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted 
tew cunning. Cunning iz half brother tew fear, and they are 
both ov them weakness. 




ODS AND ENS. 247 

Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing 
phools, like garments, are made tew order. 

A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good com- 
pany for others. 

Genuine praize consists in naming a man's faultz to liiz 
face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back. 

One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun 
that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness ; a man who wants 
tew vomit never puts on airs. 

A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in. 

Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the 
more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hit- 
ting the mark. 

I have alwus noticed one thing, when a peisonbekums dis- 
gusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, 
the world very kindly lets the person went. 

Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or 
hates. 

A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days 
in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the 
weather. 

I love tew see an old person joyfull, but notkickuptheheels- 
full. 

A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov gin- 
ger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out. 

Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny 
boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare ain't but phew can 
understand it. 

Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar 
iz ov a shirt. 

Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he 
haz given us the power tew do. 

Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like 
little flies ; grate bores without meaning or knowing it. 

Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil 
had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn't hav bin 
heard ov agin. 



24:8 APFURISMS. 

The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down 
on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord. 
All the good injuns die young. 



How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, 
chained tew a post ; they beller and paw, but they kant git 
away from the post. 

I hav herd a grate deal ced about " "broken hartes," and 
thare may be a f u ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew 
the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole 
critter. 

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable 
sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity 
ov brains. 

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old 
goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun. 

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov 
geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon : one good squeeze 
takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left. 

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must 
play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch 
in winning, as in playing a poor hand well. 

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov 
temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say — bring him up 
the back way. 

I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose 
bore was very big. 

If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, 
he never need to look for promoshun. 

A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram. 

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and 
femail. 



FUST IMPRESHUNS. 

FUST IMPRESHUNS. 



249 



FUST impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who 
haz only been stung bi a hornet once, will swear to 
this. 

The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. 
Thare aint but phew 
who kan navigate 
without a kompass. 

A wize man iz 
never konfounded bi 
what he dont under- 
stand, but a phool 
generally iz. 

Yung man, don't 
grind yure scythe all 
on one side ! 

I don't know ov a 
more lamentable 
sight than an old 
rake — even repent- 
ance looks like a 
weakness in him. 

Politeness iz often 
wasted, but it iz a FUST IMPRESH uns. 

good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts 
often cum tew us sudden, but seldum perf ekt. They require 
polishing up tew make them komplete. 

Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu 
hav tew turn a grindstun to do it. 

Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno 
ov nothing more indikative ov strength. 

Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for 
i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who 
couldn't harness a hoss tew save their lives. 

I don't kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more 
•butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible— 
"Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove." 




250 AFFURISMS. 

Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more 
than ourselves. 

Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turn- 
ed the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, 
waz one ov this kind. 

A weak constitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set 
ov branes kan't. 

Vanity iz a strange pashun — rather than be out ov a job it 
will brag ov its vices. 

All phools are poor listeners. 

About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other 
people's opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own. 

Flattery iz like ice-kream — to relish good we want it a little 
at a time, and often. 

The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more 
yu abuze him. 

Yu kan't natter a truly wize man — he knows just how mutch 
praze iz due him ; that he takes, and charges over all the bal- 
lance tew the promt and loss ackount. 

Once in a grate while Fortune willacktualy hunt for a man, 
but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew 
woo them. 

Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, 
and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown 
are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are 
most always disagreeable. 

I don't beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and ras- 
kals are concerned. 

It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be 
so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a 
grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and 
thrift. 

How kan we ever expekt tew find a perf ekt person in this 
world when we kan't even find one who iz hafifaz good az he 
kan be. 

Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a 
subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled 
tew find what tew write on a subjekt. 



FUST IMPRESIIUNS. 251 

Men are seldum underrated ; the merkury in a man finds 
its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it 
duzin the glass ov a thermometer. 

I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the 
pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human 
hart kontains even a moity ov them. 

Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent ; and 
what makes so mutch trouble iz, the indifferents are in the 
majority. 

A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket 
laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it. 

When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the 
world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the 
premises. 

Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in kon- 
fessing our sins to ourself s and to each other. 

I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a sin- 
gle virtew. Even Judas Iskariot " went and hanged him- 
self." 

The old saying haz it, " it iz a wize child that knows hiz 
own father," but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize 
father that knows hiz own child. 

The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match 
for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi ex- 
perience. 

The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle — they 
don't die out untill they are burnt out. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git 
religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook 
thoze that they am. 

A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be 
kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant. 

Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don't reduse our 
phollys. 

Buty iz power ; but the most treacherous one i kno ov. 

The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny 
blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this world. 



252 AFFURISMS. 

Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are 
all braggarts. 

I will say this for man — i don't kno ov enny enterprize he 
baz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the gen- 
eral interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded. 

If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if 
i am honest, if i am virtewous — what ov it ? — i hav simply 
dun mi duty. 

I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az. eloquent 
words. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an 
eloquent necktie. 

Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won't 
hurt even a saint. 

Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov aphool 
or the cunning ov a r ask all. 

Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure 
he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat's 
life when she iz so humble az just before she makes np her 
mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught 
and et it. 



PLUM PITS. 

A MAE" with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on 
him, dredful oneazy. 

I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability 
tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately. 

What do yu bet Fame iz ? I bet it iz climeing a greased 
pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes 
worth fifteen. 

New York iz a fast place. *If a man pulls out on a phune- 
ral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led 
bi the hearse boss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew 
take their dust. 

Ambishun iz like hunger — it obeys no law but its appetight. 



PLUM PITS. 



253 



iv»r^44| 



There iz no medicine like a good joke ; it iz a silver-coated 
pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run. 

Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts 
an end to. 

The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise 
in the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good 
guide-board. 

I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than 
tew hear another hod-carrier say, "He iza cussid phool and 
dont understand hiz bizzness." 

Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The 

man who kan eat hiz 
bread and be happy iz 
certainly richer than he 
who kant eat it unless 
it iz spred with butter. 
" Yote early and vote 
often," is the Poli- 
tishun's golden rule. 
Du unto others az 
would be dun by. 



yu 

I never knew but one 
infidel in mi life, and 
he had no more courage 
than a haff drowned 
kitten jist pulled out 
ov a swill barrel, and 
waz az afraid tew die 
az the devil would be 
if he waz allowed tew 
visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself. 

Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then 
deliberately gits into: 

Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man's boddy, are like 
two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they 
compromise the matter by laying out the patient. 

One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing 




"WHAT TICKET DO YOU TOTE? 



254 AFFURISMS. 

a hole to fit the plngg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole. 
A lie iz like nitro-glycerme. the best ov judges kant tell 
when itiz going tew bust and skatter confushun. 

A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, 
and seldum misses the mark ; it iz jist so with sum men's 
blunders. 

Az the flint kon tains the spark, unknown tew itself, which 
the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals 
tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would 
forever hav hid. 

About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov 
sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had 
hiz leg broke. 

Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav 
their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted. , 

Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow 
Christians and wide awake sinners. 

Thare iz lotsov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use 
tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others. 

All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov 
stone to one ounce ov gold. 

Hope and Debt are partners in trade — Hope hunts up the 
customers and Debt skins them. 

Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track. 
Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over. 
Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun 
skatters. 

A man has got about done going down hill when he gits 
whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more 
use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in 
a barnyard. 

He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly 
git his reward here and hereafter ; but hiz reward here will 
be the poor-house. 

Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and 
he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he 
kan spell a word ov two Billables. 



GNATS. 255 

A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the 
heats— u blood will tell." 

Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the 
world who has 7 bin straining for years after a camel and finally 
had to swallow a nat. 

We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but aphool 
will expekt tew reach it. 

Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keej) fatt 
bi sucking its claws. 

Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that 
wouldn't neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful 
spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay. 



GNATS. 

IDONT kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good 
in jun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good 
injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in. 

Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon 
our souls az it duz tew confess our sins. 

What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors mis- 
fortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven. 

Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the 
dark, whistling tew shorten the distance. 

" The gods help them who help them self s." Upon the 
same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs. 

Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but 
dreadful dobby. 

Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, 
a species ov game that kant be reproduced. 

Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the 
same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed 
with themselfs. 

Tew be happy — take things az they cum, and let them go 
jist az they cum. 



256 AFFUKISMS. 

It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but 
it don't take but little virtew. 

It iz the little things ov this life that plague us — 

Mnskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse. 

"What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we 
could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it ! It would 
improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the 
other world. 

Don't mistake plezzure for happiness ; it iz entirely a dif- 
ferent breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt 
plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure 
that haz no happiness in it. 

Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i 
like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss — i want mi 
mollassiss slo and eazy. 

Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz 
on a goose, it makes them tuffer. 

" Sewing Sosietys" are generally places whare the wimmin 
meet to rip and so — up the naberhood. 

A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare ; an indus- 
trious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows 
what to do with. 

It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't 
kno. 

A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one — the 
hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt — it iz harder tew set still, 
and lite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them. 



KIKDLING WOOD. 



YOUNG man, when yu hav tew sarch "Webster's Dick- 
shionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure 
meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't mean 
mutch. 

"We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that 
we admire bravery in a man. 



KINDLING WOOD. 



257 



Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued ; 
sorrow from the lious tops and penitence in a market place 
shows more ambishun than piety. 

About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew 
learn us how tew enjoy mizery. 

It iz a grate art tew kno how tew " gather figs from this- 
tles, but philosophy teaches it. 

The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz 
bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls. 

We are poor not from what we need, but from what we 
want ; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap. 

I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov 
pepmint essence — i had rather drink out ov a spring than 

tew drink a hundred 
yards belo, for this 
reazon,when I read a 
book it iz one written 
by an old author 
whoze thoughts the 
modern writer haz 
attempted tew im- 
prove bi diluting. 

This world iz 
phull ov heros and 
heroines, and the 
reason whi so menny 
ov them live unno- 
ticed iz bekause they 
adorn every day life 
and not an ockashun. 
All suckcess- 
ful flirts hav sharp 
eyes, one eye they 
keep on yu and one on the other phellow. 

Yanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things 
that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew 
their virtew. 

1T± 




258 AFFURISMS. 

Man iz a hily eddikated animal. 

• Don't never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy 
wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right 
noboddy will remember it. 

Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable. 

Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov 
a superior mind ; thoze who think different from others are 
apt tew ackt different. 

Yain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, bio 
them up till they bust. 

It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting 
them kno it. 

Thare iz not only phuri but thare is virtew in a harty laff ; 
animals kant laff and devils won't. 

Don't never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade ; 
yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu. 

I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze 
thoughts agree with our own. 

He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew 
enjoy it. 

When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do 
in a gale — run before the wind. 

Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into 
steel. 

I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i 
soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun 
than he did ov mine. 

Edukashun that don't learn a man how tew think iz like 
knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards. 

Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat — the rat iz 
quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole. 

Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz 
on a mule — it sets them tew hiking bak. 

One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv 
advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences 
that every boddy distrusts. 

An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier 



KINDLING WOOD. 259 

are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, 
and fite flies for amuzement ! 

Yice in the young fills us with horror — in the old, with 
disgust. 

Amb i shun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew 
hiz boddy. Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth 
but what beleaves he kan " shine em up" a leetle better than 
enny one else. 

The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life 
seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going 
tew happen, and that iz — death. 

The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I 
had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum 
lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it. 

The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes 
enny good hits. 

Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and 
Eternity cannot dispense with. 

Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend 
their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting. 

The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the 
phools endurable. 

The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills. 

Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the 
church az uniforms are in the field ; strip an army ov its 
cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob. 

Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen 
alwus beats the parlor in punktillio. 

If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, 
luv man, and hate the devil. 

Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like 
lighting another man's kandle bi yours. 

I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who 
only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a 
man. 

To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment 
than most men possess. 



260 AFEURISMS. 

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than 
what tew say. 

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze 
most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz 
the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit. 

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they 
never will cloy, and never will betray you. 

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, 
and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs. 

If we couldn't neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters 
we should be. 

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be 
despized, he has tuched bottom. 

After all, great conversashional powers make a man more 
feared than beloved. 

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare 
iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense. 

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten min- 
nits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak 
or stummuk akes. 



PHISH BAWLS. 



SINS are the only things that I repent ov, i never could 
make enny thing repenting ov blunders. 

I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing 
tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs. 

Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, 
they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are 
reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry. 

I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do 
upon the 10 commandments. 

Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages 
raized every morning. 

The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who 
are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it. 



PIIISH BAWLS. 261 

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if 
they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating 
up stream. 

One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, 
they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz hap- 
pened. 

Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools 
hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav. 

Temper should be curbed, not broken. 

I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, 
than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent. 

The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach. 

Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup. 

I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views 
enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 
4 corners, when i didn't knowmiself which waz the right one. 

I haven't mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, 
but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from. 

After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next 
best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others. 

Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they 
kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy. 

It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don't konsider it enny 
disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. 

Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so 
low a source that it don't do a man enny good. 

It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypo- 
krit than it duz tew be a christian. 

Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from 
than we do from cowardice. 

The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kom- 
pareing gouts and rumatiss. 

Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in 
bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews. 

About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our 
phailings. 

Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the 



262 AJBTURISMS. 

fiercest — so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the 
hottest fire. 

Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a 
man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it. 

Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man 
who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy. 

Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one 
ov the most natral ones. 

Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, 
and honor in old age. 

Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing 
tew be the kause ov it. 

Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none. 

Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our 
backs, so that we kant see them. 

The genuine christians are the laflBng ones, the man who 
haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up 
its heels iz phull ov the devil's oats. 

Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work 
az trieing tew trace out a kat's pedigree. 

Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere 
afiektashun. 

Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he 
don't hav too mutch ov it ; thare iz a point at which pashunce 
begins tew be ignorance. 

Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of 
their attrackshun. 

When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only 
tew shoot at. 

Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if 
folks would tend tew their own bizness. 

The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence — he iz 
alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last. 

Yu may make a mistake in a man's kapacity, but yu kant 
in hiz vanity. 

Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt. 

Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a 
coward's paradise. 



PH1SH BAWLS. 2t53 

Thare ain't eiroy thing that will kompletely kure lazyness, 
bat i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum. 

A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls 
that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or 
indiffirent. 

Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze 
who hav the most ov it kno it the least. 

Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, 
bekauze it makes them more karef ul ; but sutch men are skarse. 

Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast. 

The only safe way for most people tew git along in this 
world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do. 

Human happiness iz like Joseph's coat — a thing of menny 
colors. 

I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and 
no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed. 

Hope iz no flatterer — she cheats every body alike, but after 
all, iz the best friend we have got. 

Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit — God, man, and 
the devil. 

An idle man iz always a bizzy one — he spends all hiz time 
hunting for nothing to do. 

Thare are but phew people in this world who make more 
trouble than a bizzy phool. 

Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew — 
thare are sum people who only edukate their vices. 

Every man should kno sumthing ov law — if he knows enuff 
tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer. 

Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing 
the shoes before the man dies. 

The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing 
tew reform them self s, thus presenting tew the world one good 
example, worth at least a dozen precepts. 

Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level. 



About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, 
is this, the poor suffer misery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it. 



264 



AFFUKISMS. 



The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but 
jist as soon as we git out ov it. 

There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully 
prepared, and that iz twins. 

Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if yu du, 
you'll find you've spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish 
poor whissel. 



I 



STRAY CHILDREN. 

DONT think thare iz enny thing that a man iz remarkable 
for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys. 
Thare iz this diifrence at least, between wit and humor, 

wit makes yu think, 
humor makes you 
laff. 

I luv praze, but 
despise flattery. 

I wouldn't giv a" 
shilling a pound for 
religion that yu kant 
take ennywhere out 
into the world with 
yu, even tew a hoss 
race, if yu hav a 
mind tew, without 
losing it. 

Tew do nothing, 
and tew be ov no 
use tew ennyboddy, 
iz the privilege ov 
wild beasts. 

The best way tew 
convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own 
way. 




STRAY CHILDREN. 



STRAY CHILDREN. 205 

The very thing that most men think they have got the 
most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement. 

A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, 
just in proportion tew hiz humility. 

A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a 
peakock, in a fair day, hut when hiz hour ov trial cums, like 
a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, " and steals 
silently away." 

When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that 
virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause 
it haz nothing: to feed on. 

Alwus f oiler yure own advise, and let other folks f oiler 
theirs. 

People who havn't got ennything tew say, kan always find 
the most tew talk about. 

Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, 
they would do different, but i hav never heard enny ov them 
propose to liv letter. 

It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world 
would git along very poorly, if it want for us, and if thare 
want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would 
think just so too. 

The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are 
after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry. 

Munny ain't akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as 
tew kreate them. 
v It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance. 

Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift 
of God. 

A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan 
leam tew be hansum. 

One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth 
more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses. 

Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one 
thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are 
sober. 

Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not 



266 AFFURISMS. 

only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men 
think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are 
abuv him. 

Don't forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mort- 
gage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail tofor- 
close and enter on the premises. 

I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there 
aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, 
who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess. 

I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who 
aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd. 

Don't borry nor lend, but if you must do one, lend. 

Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will 
agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days. 

He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, 
is the true hero. 

Faith beats both wisdum and learning. 

Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz 
ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz 
possessed of them. 

Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires 
and heroes would be dredf ul skarse. 

Genius, like the yung eagle, don't hav tew make enny trial 
trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even 
towards the sun. 

Fortune iz represented az blind, andthoze who receive most 
ov her favours go it ulind. 

If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn't be much 
wisdum, i suppoze. 

It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy — 
to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew 
hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz. 

Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore- 
sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz 
broken. 

Haven't yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples 
with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them ? 



STRAY CHILDREN. 267 

Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind 
ov suckcess. 

One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phunny 
and akt phoolish. 

Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, 
takes its color from what it feeds on. 

Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily 
korrekt. 

Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts 
virtew for the protekshun it affords him. 

The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less 
satisfied he iz with what he knows. 

Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov 
flattery. 

My yung friend, don't forgit one thing — however cunning 
yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat 
iz yureself. 

Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man's honesty, 
iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess 
at what's left. 

The text which haz been most preached from by the human 
family iz vanity. 

Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, 
and the old ones are the sillyest. 

The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess. 

Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy. 

Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better 
one? 

I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got 
some kayenne pepper in it. 

Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny 
time. 

I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world 
than real. 

Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change 
ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment. 

I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices, 



268 AFFURISMS. 

was safer than with one, for the menny vices often wear each 
other out, while the one wears the man out. 

Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and 
thare iz a time to say amen y rool up yure sleeves and pitch in. 

" Reform ! Reform /" this iz too often the watchword ov 
mere charlatans. 

Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their 
lives out. 

Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew ; i have seen 
men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the 
katekism. 

It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor 
failings. 

He who sues for suckcess don't git it so often az he who 
demands it. 

Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her. 

No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could 
be a suckcessfull coquet. 

Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, 
the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand. 

If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew 
would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are 
simply proud ov our various virtews. 

Blood ain't nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells. 

The things in this world that are the best done show the 
least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do ; 
the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral. 

It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, 
esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain't 
so eazy. 

Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz 
only a phew who are born so. 

Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better 
than tew be a receiver of stolen goods. 

Thoze who have once tasted the joys ov Humility will tell 
yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held 
to their lips 



INK BRATS. 269 

INK BEATS. 

ITIIAXK Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this 
wide world a human, or inhuman being, thati would not 
rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, 
or i wouldn't dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience 
better than enny boddy else duz. 

Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeck- 
shuns. Better lend yure dollars to enny boddy than yure 
dolors. Silence iz venerable ; if thare iz enny thing older 
than the Creator, it must hav bin silence. 

The outy ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful 
az a prince, and the power ov gratitude iz that " I thank you," 
makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience 
iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze 
it never deserts us. 

Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day. 

Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers — the grate 
struggle iz tew git into the king row. 

Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us ; it 
iz the wust slavery thare iz. 

How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without mean- 
ing eimy thing ; this i kail heat lightning. 

I say, owe no man ; owing iz but little better than stealing. 

We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi con- 
science ; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a 
very poor seckond fiddle. 

The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint 
got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. 
Sum ov the meanest cusses i eA*er knu had got tew be so 
honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound. 

If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a 
gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits 
a chance ? 

Awl plezzures are lawful that don't end in making us feel 
sorry. 

The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, hum- 



270 AFFUKISMS. 

ble when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and 
polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys. 

Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny 
furse ; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the 
eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a 
frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July 
orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, andtare- 
ing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes. 

Dutys are privileges. 

Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protek- 
tion. 

Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful 
uneazy tew take. 

A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven. 

Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philoso- 
pher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a 
clean, phatt, and well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, 
trieing tewsmash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass. 

Evry man kan boast ov one admirer. 

If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the 
people, fire at their vices, not at the people ; the trew way to 
abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug. 

Life iz apunktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, 
sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop. 

No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got. 

Don't giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov 
a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it. 

I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, 
but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust 
rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one 
foot in it enny how. 

The man who wrote, " I would not liv always, I ask not tew 
sta," probably never had been urged sufficiently. 

Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims 
just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house 
dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the 
same spot. 



INK BRATS. 271 

The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz 
ship. 

It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate npon suckcess, unless a man 
sets up for a phool — in this department, i hav known hun- 
dreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns. 

I don't want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool 
than tew see him cultivate excentricitys. 

The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz 
drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter. 

I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 
12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out 
ov every 24. 

Mankind loves misterys — a hole in the ground, excites more 
wonder than a star in the heavans. 

" Experience iz a good schoolmaster," but reason iz a better 
one. 

A Pedant iz a lernt phool — pedantry iz a little knowledge 
on parade — pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it. 

All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov 
religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze 
religion differs. 

Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing 
themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks. 

How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when 
thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs. 

Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing 
more than shrewdness — and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, 
haff sister to virtew. 

Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners. 

Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles. 

If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Command- 
ment, it would be this — owe no man. 

Young ones and dogs ? — thoze who are the least able to sup- 
port them, generally hav the most ov them. 

Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer ; but most folks 
simply gro stubbornner. 

People travel to learn ; most ov them (before they start) 
should learn to travel. 



272 



AFFUKISMS. 



I don't beleave in fighting ; i am solemly aginst it; but if a 
man gits teu lighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting 
licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz 
in it iz tew lick the other party. 

Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg's tale — a very 
good kind ov kittle so long az it ain't our dorg's tale. 



LIGHTNING BUGS. 



PLEZZTTRES make folks acquainted with each other, but 
it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other. 
It iz a curious f akt, that the meanest pashuns oy our heart 



are the strongest when 



we hav grown old, 
and the best ones, the 
weakest. 

Truth dont require 
the aid ov elegant, 
and high stepping 
words, tew express its 
force, or buty, it iz 
like water, tastes bet- 
ter out ov a woodden 
bucket, than it duz 
out ov a golden gob- 
let. 

Them folks who 
are sudden, aint apt 
tew be solid; lively 
streams are alwus 

LIGHTNING BUGS. ShallO. 

Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze 
in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled. 




LIGHTNING BUGS. 273 

About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around 
loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite. 

Solitude iz the idleness ov natur. 

Thare iz az ranch flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare 
iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle. 

Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we 
should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy. 

A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee. 

Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety. 

No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace. 

A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint 
got enny strength to hiz tail. 
. Vanity iz the superstition ov pride. 

Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don't 
intoxikate. 

I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew 
think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the 
world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov ex- 
change, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are 
only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by gen- 
eral consent, provided it iz decently well executed. 

I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, 
tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping 
snake. 

"Beware ov the dog /" also ov the whispering man, and the 
loud-talking woman. 

Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor site;. 

A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven. 

Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the 
cradle. 

If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should 
take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle 
all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare. 

A man don't alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus 
grows old az he grows wize; 

The biggest phoolin this world haint bin born yet; thare 
iz plenty ov time y^*. 
18* 



274 AFFURISMS. 

A petted child iz like a bile that won't cum tew a hed. 

Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the 
pcock's tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, 
the glory goes with the tail. 

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung care- 
lessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor. 

Cannon balls — are the bulbous plants ov Liberty. 

Thare iz no grater fnn for me than tew prick a bladder — 
windy folks will please make a note ov this. 

Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare 
ain't no sich thing, nor hadn't ought tew be enny sich thing, 
in this world. 

About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt 
yu, iz tew run over them ; if yu let them run over yu they 
certainly won't. 

1 hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan't 
feel obliged to be alwus civil. 

Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdow- 
er and an old bachelor ; the widdower livs upon faith, and the 
bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus 
beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty. 

Marrying tew snit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness ; 
i should as soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for run- 
ning affinst it. 

An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them ; 
a Yankee afterwards. 

Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made 
for fashion. 

Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i 
notiss, don't hav mutch ov enny thing else. 

Tew enjoy a good repntashun, giv publickly, and steal pri- 
vately. 

I hav got a dredf ul poor opinyun ov all religious creeds ; a 
man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no 
better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov 
jail. 



PARBOILS. 275 

PAEBOILS. 

IT is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. 
Proverbs, are like arrows, thej fly not only fast bnt 
straight. 

Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when 
we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we 
hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness. 

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you 
stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but 
invigorating, if you pitch into them. 

Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov 
wisdum. 

Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances 
enuff, but dont show their works in their face. 

Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a 
necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, 
reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship. 

About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it 
iz the means ov grace. 

When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about 
punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trie- 
ing tew walk a crack. 

Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl 
that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, 
and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that 
buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 
per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizzi- 
ness. 

It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with 
az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people 
than law or piety duz. 

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and 
Sundays, and even wet days. 

Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the 
strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their 
bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the 



27G AFFURISMS. 

meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center ; and 
glance oph at that. 

Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, 
and hav a whole lot ov naff wild hops on it, but tew be a 
good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered. 

Precept, iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that 
runs the cussed thing. 

Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz 
a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey 
houn, that runs only by sight. 

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than 
praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting 
a slow match tew them. 

"Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu." 
Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz 
the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet. 

If we would be happy in this world and in the world to 
cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and 
tommorow our first in eternity. 

Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools ; good breeding iz the 
luxury ov the wise. 

Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed — if this 
is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable. 

He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be 
satisfied with hiz reputashun. 

It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale 
College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to 
hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven — what a waste 
of time and muscle ! 

Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they 
kan prove — this akounts for the little they know. Most 
people hev found out sumhow, that they "kant serve God 
and mamon too," and so they serve mamon. 

Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the 
excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az 
natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it 
keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery. 



NEST EGGS. 277 

A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side 
ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter. 

Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and 
givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey 
from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, 
trieing teu liv upon buty. 

The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure prin- 
ciple back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you 
think ov it. 

Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and 
water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the 
supply too grate for the demand. 

A good book iz like a good law. 

Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an 
undertaker. 

"Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew 
men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and 
sugared. 

A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz 
certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots 
out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and 
generally smells strong ov the kemikals. 

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make 
others happy — i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying. 

Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees 
before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty. 

The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards — one hides 
hiz store and the other stores hiz hide. 

Credit iz like chastity ; they both ov them kan stand temp- 
tashun better than they kan suspicion 



]S T EST EGGS. 

IT iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov 
a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in 
thare too. 



278 



AFFURISMS. 



Good natur iz the daily bread ov life. 

The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the 
amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it. 
Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools. 
What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man. 
It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one 

that watches hiz na- 
bors. 

Vanity iz often 
mistaken for wit, 
but it iz no more 
like it than gravity 
iz like wisdum. 

Thare iz this dif- 
ference between a 
cunning man and a 
wize one — the cun- 
ning one looks thru 
a mikriskope, the 
wize one thru a tele- 
skope. Yanity iz. 
the chief ingredient 
in every human 
harte. 

Yer will find it 
nest eggs. az kommon amung 

slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes. 

Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry 
about nothing. 

One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Ni- 
agara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it. 
Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak. 
Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuif tew git 
into, but hard enuff tew git out ov. 

Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at 
the same time so agreeable az deference. 




NEST EGGS. 279 

Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works 
support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, 
jist a leetle. 

Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may 
be able tew liv by it, but yu kant liv on it — hash will tell. 

Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound. 

The history ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the 
viktory iz to "never say die." 

The way tew Fame iz like klimbing a greast pole ; thare 
aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don't pay. 

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we think for what we 
know ; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are 
traveling around loose. 

Ambishun iz like a tred wheel ; it knows no limits ; yu no 
sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin. 

We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when 
we are laffing at others. 

Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew 
free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil. 

It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz 
an empty bag. 

Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew 
most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it. 

Children are like vines ; they will klimb the pole yu set up 
for them, be it krooked or strate. 

Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but the 
cheapest ; it kosts nothing, if you only think so. 

Idleness, like industry, iz ketching. 

The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a 
pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering 
from competishun. 

Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short 
az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards. 

A nickname will outlast all a man's deeds, be they good, 
bad, or indifferent. 

Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov ; it iz both cheap and 
durable. 



280 AFFURISMS. 

Consilience iz our private sekretary. 

The three gratest luxury s ov life are, a klear consilience, a 
good appetight, and sound slumber. 

Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master. 

The gay are alwns looking ahead, and the sad are always 
looking back ; it iz a grate pitty they don't change works with 
each other. 

A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun 
for a pistill. 

Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters ; the 
only way tew conker them iz tew bak out. 

A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool 
over hiz eyes, but no horns. 

Jt dont require but a phew branes tew T make up an atheist, 
for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves. 

The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi 
natur az a puppy. 

Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste 
for everything. 

The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make 
plezzure a bizzness ; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long. 

Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild 
oats, and the krop iz repentance. 

Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain't mutch nourishment 
in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor. 

Profane s waring in a man iz like continual crowing in a 
barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse. 



CHICKEN FEED. 



THARE iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant 
console, and she iz — a setting hen. 
Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching 
their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health. 

Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes 



CHICKEN FEED. 281 

the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that 
the Lord wont endorse. 

Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but 
he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one. 

Truth iz the edict ov God. 

The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old granny s, who 
possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down 
tew them, and the ballance they guess at. 

About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in 
this world, iz tew shed tears. 

Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the 
crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed. 

I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be 
fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own. 

A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the 
privilege ov abusing others. 

Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole 
time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare 
time tew praktiss it. 

Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe train- 
ing duz on the pugilist — it reduces him tew his fighting 
waight. 

Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to 
alter it generally spiles the whole thing. 

Affliktions are like the summers sun — they wilt for the pur- 
puss ov ripening. 

If yu want to find out a man's real disposishun, take him 
when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him 
and fill him up, and you hav got an angel. 

The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dis- 
honest he iz. 

Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man 
bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he 
never haz committed. 

Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and 
it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in 
that time, he must be knumb. 



282 AFFURISMS. 

It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that 
requires grate argumentatiff ability. 

Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but 
confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs 
no one. 

What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum. 

He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint 
so wize az a mule — for they will kick at a thing they dont 
expekt tew reach. 

All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one 
in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man. 

Money iz like grain — it iz never so well invested az when 
it iz well sown. 

A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat. 

Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have 
often made money disgracefull. 

How menny people thare iz who only go into society just 
for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their 
gripes and grunts ! Such people ought tew be sent at once to 
the pest house. 

Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with 
temperance, at the highest rates. 

Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and 
haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend 
that will stick to him thru thik and thin. 

Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the 
chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it. 

Beauty iz the melody ov the features. 

I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a 
person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant. 

Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an. effort ov the will 
than ov the understanding. 

It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's 
tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published 
while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be 
tew hiz reputashun. 

I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He 



DOG-DAYS. 




Trane up a Dog- in the way he should g< 




— and away he goes ! 



(282) 



i 






. 



HARD TACK. 283 

committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, 
ov enny person history iz familiar with. 

One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz 
tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence 
for the aged. 

Before yu undertaik tew change a man's politiks or religion, 
be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him. 

Altho the world iz chuck full ov liarSj thare iz but few men 
who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth. 

Eo man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philos- 
ophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew 
liv on. 

Tew be forgiven, weakens us ; but tew f orgiv others, weak- 
ens them. 

I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully 
the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the 
fust time. 

Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to 
love or esteem each other. 



HAED TACK. 

I DONT like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys 
near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz 
a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one. 

Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho 
me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov 
them, professed one religion and persecuted all other kinds, 
but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.) 

It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn 
over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they 
turn over two leaves at onst, and bekum so suddenly vir- 
tewous that they freeze up stiff. 

It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew 
doubt and tew differ. 



284 



AFFURISMS. 



Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. 
When charity gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs the 
affairs and the man both into the ground. 

Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul 
and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys. 

Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and 
tharefore i dispize it. 

Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman 
to hold — klubs and spades for man. 

I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for ; she 
beat the fust man 
born into the world 
out ov a ded sure 
thing, and she kan 
beat the last one 
with the same kards. 

The man who kan 
stand abuse kan gen- 
erally stand prosper- 
ity. The only way 
tew beat the devil 
iz tew fite him with 
the Bible in one 
hand and a sword in 
the other. 

If i could only 
praktiss az well az i 
kan preach, i would 
not thank a man tew ,, hard tack. 

warrent me in this, world nor in the world tew cum. 

The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus 
at the bottom. 

"Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont 
belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno 
he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party. 

About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, 
and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way 
ov hiding thoze sins. 




HARD TACK. 285 

Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov 
principle. 

I dout kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the 
fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than 
a fall on the ice. 

I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz 
met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be 
saved from it ; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exkla- 
mashun, " My God ! my God ! why hast thou forsaken me ? " 

I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental 
and phisikal suffering — i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az 
tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked 
out without winking. 

Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jeal- 
ousys — even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a 
little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun. 

Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake 
for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare al- 
wus will be. 

I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule — if a freak ov 
fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule 
iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile 
and a haff off. 

Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world 
tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go 
for the chances. 

Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our 
money. 

Tew work iz the grate law ov natur — if the woodchuck 
dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, 
but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two. 

Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I 
hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz 
back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given 
him one, the collar ov which wan't starched stiff enuff. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this 
world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew enny- 
boddy in pertikular. 



286 AFFURISMS. 

Things haz got so now. if a man stops,he iz a-going tew be 
run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuif tew stop 
the whole proceslmn. 

If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum 
distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind 
which tew send, dancing-masters or missionary's. 

We speak ov "falling in love" without always thinking 
that it iz the only way tew git in love — we all stumble into 
it, and kan seldum tell how or why. 

One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz 
reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say nothing. 

It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared. 

Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when 
disasters cum. 

In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things 
to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness. 

The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees 
with our own opinyun. 



SOLLUM THOUGHTS. 



THE fear ov God iz the philosphy ov religion ; the love 
ov God iz the charity of religion. 

Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out. 

Better leave yure child virtew than money ; but this iz a 
sekret known only tew a few. 

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two 
know what ain't so. 

About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two 
galls at once, and preserve a good average. 

Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards. 

A nickname will outline enny man or thing ; it iz like the 
crook in a dogg's taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind 
the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the 
epitaph. 



SOLLUM THOUGHTS. 287 

If } t u analize what most men kail plezzure, yu will find it 
compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain. 

When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once ; this iz 
the way to learn to be bizzy. 

"We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes 
iz tew fight with them — I hav tried both ways, and recom- 
mend a successful dodge. 

The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, 
iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew canze them tew do it. 

The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to 
submit to them. 

Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men ; the few 
men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew 
take holt ov it tew a disadvantage. 

The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be use- 
ful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, 
sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy. 

Whare religion iz a trade, morality is a merchandize. 

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed 
ov it. 

The less a man knows, the more he will guess at ; and 
guessing iz nothing more than suspicion. 

Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the 
hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers. 

Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov " farewell benefit," — 
" positively our last appearance." 

Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about 
what, the Lord only knows. 

Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git 
phull, but a poor way tew git phatt. 

Jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what 
we don't want tew find, nor don't expekt to. 

Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships. 

I don't think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one — I 
don't think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a 
hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds. 

A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a 



288 AFFURISMS. 

distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as 
small az they am. 

Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but gener- 
ally extended. 

If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov 
him in Heaven. 

Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed. 

After all, there don't seem tew be but this diffrence be- 
tween the wize men and the phools ; the w T ize men are all fuss 
and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers. 

Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable 
ackount we hav ov a stray dog. 

Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware ; the mule 
remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking. 

Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don't, 
one good liar will pizen a whole country. 

Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew 
ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don't ketch 
them. 

Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole 
whare sin got into this world — if two men brake through the 
ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole 
tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the 
hole they cum tew fall in. 

Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into 
reality ; this iz one way that good hoss thief s are made, a man 
leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot 
belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss 
does. 

If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven's sake, 
chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest. 



INK LINGS. 

TRUTH iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov 
her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits 
rid ov them. 



INK LINGS. 



289 



Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don't kare 
about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, 
and men who want to owe me. 

Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, 
and the Lord holds 
that chance. 

Mi private opin- 
yun about " abscence 
ov mind " is, that 9 
times out ov 10, it 
iz abscence ov branes. 

The flattery that 
men offer tew them- 
selfs iz the most 
dangerous, bekause 
the least suspekted. 

Take a kitten that 
kan hardly walk on 
land, and chuck him 
into a mill pond, 
and he will swim 
ashore — enny boddy 
kan apply the moral 
in this. The best 
philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze 
who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest. 

It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny 
phool kan suffer adversity. 

Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends — it makes us be- 
leave we are better and happier than our nabors. 

Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov ad- 
vice will suit him the best. 

Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he 
hankers for. 

The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor 
imitated bi grate men. 




INK LINGS. 



19J 



290 AFJbUKISMS. 

The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than 
ridikule them. 

We hav no more right to laff at a .deformed person, than 
we hav at a crooked tree — both ov them are God's arkitek- 
ture. 

How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for 
possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for 
having what they possess. 

Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molas- 
sis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them 
fast after they git thare. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly 
rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man 
out ov the water bi the hair ov the lied, and then letting him 
drop on the ground. 

Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging 
lies. 

The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrasti- 
nation^ and he is still at large. 

Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, 
and rekorded, az sekurity for a man's morality, and virtew 

White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that 
enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for 
wages. 

The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet peo- 
ple waste it as they do water, most of them letting it ran full 
head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle. 

The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under 
an alias — this shows the power of truth and morality. 

If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to 
trust him — not so with a man. 

One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, 
thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best. 

If you don't kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure 
attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how. 

Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into 



INK LINGS. 291 

every thing, tliey kant set a common rat trap without gitting 
ketched in it. 

A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it 
iz out. 

I hav larn't one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I 
want as much watching az mi nabors do. 

The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to- 
do it yourself. 

I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, 
unless thare waz a man or two around. 

A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a 
crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone. 

I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than 
malice. 

Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs. 

I don't kno ov enny thing that will kill a man so quick az 
praize that he don't deserve. 

Repentanse should be the effekt ov love — not fear. 

The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz. 

Things that we kant do wouldn't be ov enny use to us, if 
we could do them. 

Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, 
and i wonder if this ain't so amungst men. 

A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than 
judgment, and more vanity than either. 

The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i 
found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again. 

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thozethey 
haint got, and overlook thoze they hav. 

A dandy never yet fell in love — only with himself. 

Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye 
open. 

Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most gener- 
ally do. 

A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest 
us long. 

We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on 
one leg. '• 



292 AFFURISMS. 

EMBERS ON THE HARTH. 

THE moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world, 
and yet remains az chaste az ever. 

Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth. 

I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait 
for it. 

We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look ; 
if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz ves- 
sell. 

The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov 
trumps. 

I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by 
acksident, not desighn. 

What an unreal life most folks lead ; they don't ever hav a 
genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence. 

How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends 
entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills. 

Mother ! — The holy thoughts and chastened memory s that 
cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in 
the calm utterance ov the name itself. 

It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing 
tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin. 

Mankind ain't apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are 
familiar with, it iz what we don't know, or kant see, that we 
hanker for. 

When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly 
clothed, i always feel sorry — for the clothes. 

I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az " Spiritual 
manaf estashuns " az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun 
and trickery. 

Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adver- 
sity makes us trust in each other — the only way that i kan 
akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, 
while in adversity we hav everything tew gain. 

I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there 
are only two substitutes for it ; one iz hipokrasy, and the other 
iz superstishun. 



EMBERS ON THE EARTH. 293 

It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man " Kumcl," who 
may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal. 

We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we 
are rong. 

Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this 
ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the 
other. 

Envy iz not so bad a pashnn when it prompts us tew bild 
our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us 
tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one. 

I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word 
no the hardest one in any language tew say. 

Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and 
then frolik. 

A man may git a big f ut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but 
nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or 
edukashun. 

Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and 
even yure deviltrys tew men, but don't let them git a smell 
ov yure poverty — poverty haz no friends, not even among 
paupers. 

Laming iz the only good substitute for experience. 

I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik 
Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don't belong tew enny boddy in 
partiklar ; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint 
jealous ov. 

Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge. 

Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, 
one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the out- 
side ov it, liable tew wash oph. 

Abstinence should be the exception, and temperance the 
rule. 

If a man should happen tew reach perf eckshun in this world, 
he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself. 

One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires 
tew be so. 

A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right 
for a hitching post. 



294 AFFURISMS. 

Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that 
the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book. 

Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond, 
and avarice the third, and last. 

Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes. 

Deference iz silent flattery. 

The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being 
made ov gold. 

The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about 
az mutch az the flattery is. 

" Happy as a Icing ^ iz a libel on happiness, and on the king 
to. 

If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the 
confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize. 

Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires goodhoss 
sense tew know how tew apply it. 

Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, 
they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs. 

Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, 
confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at. 

Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy. 

About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure 
the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young. 

There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov 
a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller's 
sister. 



HOT KOEK 

THARE iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Gin, but kussid 
little judgment. 
A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz 
tombstun. 

What iz the chief end ov man % To foot hiz wife's bills 
and foot the man who insults her. 

A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old 
man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating. 



HOT KOKN. 



295 



A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don't kare how well 
he kan do it, ain't a permanent suckcess. 

After all i don't kno az thare iz ennything in this world 
that pays mutch 
better than being a 
natral born phool. 

A literary repu- 
tashun iz hard tew 
git and eazy tew 
loose, and when 
once lost iz lost for- 
ever. 

Thare iz grate 
art in growing old 
gracefully. 

If a man haz got 
a good reputashun 
he better git it in- 
sured, for they are 
dredful risky. 

Misplaced charity 
iz a good blunder 
tew make. If yu H0T K0RN - 

want tew git a good general idee ov a man's karakter find 
out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz. 

It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew 
be praized for what he don't possess. 

Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy 
talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess 
noboddy hain't seen one yet. 

Solomon remarked " that thare want ennything mi under 
the sun," and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything 
nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it. 

I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz 
bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand. 

Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their 
feathers. 




296 AFFURISMS. 

Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world. 
Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par. 

Watching one's helth all the time iz like watching the 
weather — a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az 
menny showers after all. 

We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i 
hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, 
she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it. 

Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, with- 
out knowing it. 

A flatterer iz a common enemy. 

If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they 
would look upon it az a grate hardship. 

He that won't listen, kan't learn ; phools and bobalinks are 
poor listeners, and hav but one song. 

Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and 
nothing we kno so little about. 

Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes. 

Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter — es- 
peshily in a monkey. 

Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find 
one who iz truly courageous. 

When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority 
in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan 
git. 

The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur. 

Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, 
and the humble ones are the wust. 

The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in 
the ideas. 

I don't beleave thare iz enny thing in this world that will 
add to a man's wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he 
kan git, if he will only hunt enufF for it. 

All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most 
so, have the least sense. 

To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being im- 
posed upon, shows great strength ov character. 



HOT KORN. 297 

Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliber- 
ately defame yu. 

It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav 
tew forgiv. 

I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from 
policy, than thare iz from principle. 

Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, 
bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed npon. 

Thare are people who are alwns anticipating trubble, and in 
this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never 
really happen tew them. 

Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than 
the luv ov virtew haz. 

I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind 
which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the 
purpose ov smelling. 

The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made 
menny a man better. 

Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs 
are the ones who suffer from ennui. 

In bible times, when Balem's ass spoke, it waz a mirakle ; 
but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we 
hav in theze times are the gratest talkers. 

Thare iz quite a difference between a Ominous and a alu- 
minous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two. 

Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the 
most reddy tew tell others how tew do it. 

I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the 
Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher 
for his fust book. 

Ifyu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, 
yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs. 

It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest ev- 
idence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suck- 
cess. 

Admire beauty, but don't worship it. 

Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when 



298 AFFUKISMS. 

they are kauglit they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylli- 
est looking fox yu ever see. 

Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi 
pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov. 

We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way 
all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose 
sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing. 

It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, 
while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than 
their karakter. 

Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don't simper amung 
arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant 
wear her favors without winning them. 



FOUNDLINGS. 

HE that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he 
that gives it. 

It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it. 

Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread 
it. 

The minds ov the young are eazily trained ; it iz hard work 
to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole. 

I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk 
ov it than trust too mutch in the proffessions ov men. 

Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and 
hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy. 

It iz a dredful line thing to whip a young one jist enuff, 
and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist 
whare their pride ends, and their mad begins. 

Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a 
knot-hole. 

A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before 
he iz fit to boss others. 

The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our 



FOUNDLINGS. 299 

virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a 
jewel. 

Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure. 

If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make 
him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him. 

Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git 
the approval ov our own conscience. 

Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no 
disgrace to be bit by a dog. 

Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot. 

Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what 
we hav got, and what we haint got. 

We are told that ritches takes win<2:s and flies out ov si^ht, 
and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with 
them. 

Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a .clear conscience, 
for hiz heart must be f ull ov pitty. 

I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning 
az the heavens are ov wind ; they are just the things to cut 
up into weather-cocks. 

If a man iz thoroughly satisfied w T ith himself, he will be 
very well satisfied with evrybody else. 

" Blessed are the meek and lowly " (and very lucky, too, if 
they don't git their noze pulled.) 

If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one. 

One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old 
maids, waiting on one sick bachelor. 

If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it 
four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affiiktions that 
men pile on to each other. 

I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on 
their hat-band theze words, in large letters : " Lead us not into 
temtashun." 

I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who 
kept away from whare they waz — it iz jist so with bad-luck. 

Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to 
sail her. 



300 AFFURISMS. 

The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another 
feller haint got the stamps to buy. 

Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but 
never heaves her. 

Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they 
git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are perma- 
nantly ridiklous. 

I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than 
I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home. 

Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him 
talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny 
more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick 
out ov hiz collar and waistbands. 



DEIED FEUIT. 



"TTTHEN a rooster crows, he crows all over. 

1 V A poor, but dishonest cuss iz about az low down az 
enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too. 

Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a 
doorway. 

The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn 
green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy. 

Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he 
who alwus speaks it. 

It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rat- 
tle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think 
ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don't 
pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it. 

I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would 
invest it in a saw mill, and then " let her rip." 

Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav 
mutch left tew do bizzness with. 



DRIED FRUIT. 301 

When we say, " sucli a man haz bowels ov mercy," do we 
mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater ? 

Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess. 

Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success ; sum 
folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov 
their tombstun. 

Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error ; igno- 
rance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted ; ignorance 
stands still and error only moves to run agin a post. 

Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, 
and git dollars in return. 

There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure 
Conscience ; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the 
charred remains. 

The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, 
iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who 
wants the least ; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two. 



KEMNANTS. 

CUSTOMS are like grease — they make ennything slip 
eazy. 

Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted — a blush iz 
one ov them. 

Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz. 

If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn't mix too 
much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither. 

Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz igno- 
rance. 

The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over 
agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it. 

The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz 
got all he wants. 

Natur makes all the noblemen — wealth, edukashun, nor 
pedigree, never made one yet. 



302 



AFFURISMS. 



When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, 
and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it — if 
i dont, I ought to. 

If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but 

he kan never be in 
the wrong. 

Grate talkers are 
generally grate liars, 
for men who talk so 
mutch must sooner 
or later, run out ov 
the truth, and tell 
what they dont kno. 
I dont bet thare iz 
enny sich thing az a 
perfektly good man, 
or a perfekly bad 
man. 

I kno ov enny 
quantity ov people 
whose virtews are at 
the mercy ov other 

REMNANTS. f ° lkS > Wh ° W g™d 

simply for the repu- 
tashun ov it, who haven't got enny more real appetite tew 
their conscience than a klam haz. 

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 
39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether 
i am an honest and trew man or not — if thare iz enny boddy 
who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a 
letter, enklosing a postage blister. 

Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, 
they all of them cook a missionary in the same way. 

One grate reazon whi " Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew trav- 
el," iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own 
lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist be- 
kauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare. 




KEMAKKS. 303 

Every man makes liiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree 
iz a clear conscience. 

To be a gentleman, — git ritch, and keep a hoss and bnggy. 

Yirtewin a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds 
noze 

The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss 
aniung hiz equals. 

After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a 
square deth. 

Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz 
got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift. 

I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy 
praizes wants cluss watching. 

Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust 
rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse. 

Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew 
their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub. 

Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, 
and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less. 

The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to 
know "whats going on /" and the next strongest, iz tew boss 
the job. 

Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in 
this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or 
an injury. 

Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and 
that iz the conscience. 

Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick — i am one 
ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being 
thare a haff an our too soon. 



KEMAKKS. 



WHEN a man hain't got enny thing to say, then iz a 
good time tew keep still, — thare iz but few people who 
hav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns. 



304 AFFURISMS. 

Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church 
piety creeps out ov the other. 

Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others. 

Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed — sum are proud ov 
their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither 
themselves, brag on other people's. 

Love looks through a telescope ; envy, through a microscope. 

An industrious man iz seldom a bad man. 

Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their 
consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and 
their consciences alwus right. 

It ain't mutch trable tew bear the pain or sum boddy else's 
lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain't so stylish. 

Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors, — 
pipe to her, and she may dance to you. 

Take all the interest' out ov this world, and there wouldn't 
be friendship enuff left for seed. 

Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are 
anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them. 

I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure 
the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade. 

The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness. 

If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it 
az I would a suit ov clothes, — ' ov suitable texture and ajper- 
fectfit: 

Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill 
natur. 

The greater the man, the less liiz virteus appear, and the 
larger hiz faults. 

The man who hain't got an enemy, iz really poor. 

Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz just az mutch diff- 
rence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug. 

No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substitu- 
ting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job 
ov it. 

Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, 
and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion 
than I am. 



REMARKS. 305 

Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and 
the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew 
test the real qualitys ov their appetights. 

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be 
our turn next. 

I don't kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us 
up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified. 

Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and 
obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, 
and the other iz the strength ov a little one. 

Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky. 

I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with 
gloves on. 

I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a 
young prude. 

Misanthropy don't pay — thare aint no man living whoze 
hate the world cares one cuss for. 

Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with 
a phool. 

The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being for- 
given, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life. 

I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a 
ewe lamb, frisking on the green. 

When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with, 
immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont 
amount to enny thing, I write him down " misterious phool."' 

The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, " Whats trumps."" 

Love iz a weakness, — but it iz the same kind ov a weakness 
that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our 
natures. 

A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.. 

Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites. 

We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise 
in the old — (pleaze make a note ov this old phellows). 

Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz brokenitkan.be 
mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it. 

I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth, more 
remorseless, than 7 per cent interest. 20% 



306 



AFFURISMS. 



Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring mis- 
fortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze 
we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sul- 
lenness. 

When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him 
starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in 
the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles. 



SAWS. 

THAR iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke 
in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel de- 
pends upon it. 

The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after 

he haz left it, iz for 
good examples. 

Thare iz just az 
mutch difference be- 
tween precept and 
example, az thare iz 
between a horn that 
blows a noize, and 
one that blows a 
tune. 

Thare seems tew 
be a propriety in all 
things ; late experi- 
ments in New York 
city, have proved, 
that religion in a 
rat pit iz a failure. 
Grate examples are 
no excuse for iniqui- 
ty. Our Saviour 
thought so when he sed : " Git thee behind me, Satan." 

Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz 
the natral way tew git rid ov it. 




SAWS. 307 

The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better 
than than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes. 

Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her 
suitors. 

Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvs it, the 
more natral virtews he possesses — the most vicious amung 
the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded. 

Beware ov false friends, — jure dog wont desert yu when 
yure munny iz gone. 

One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze 
we so often mistake a company un for a friend. 

To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences. 

Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav 
enny pitty to spare, — if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, 
he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same 
spot, last year. 

The thinking men outliv the labouring men. 

The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stu- 
pidity. 

Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet 
tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a 
phool. 

Politeness subsists upon politeness. 

1 like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their 
own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it. 

Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men 
look back. 

It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and 
the hardest thing tew own it. 

I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare affeckshun 
cums tew the surface. 

Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while 
an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain't struk 
bottom yet. 

If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov 
human natur, he mustn't know too mutch ov it. 

A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but 
one without the right kind ov sense. 



308 AFFURISMS. 

When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum 
fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime. 

Excellence in enny direction iz rare — even good clowns are 
skarse. 

Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to 
silly n ess. 

It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a 
step that a man iz liable at ennytime tew take. 

Old age haz its priviliges — one iz tew find fault with every- 
thing. 

Weak and wicked are the two worst things that ennyboddy 
can be charged with. 

He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be 
cheated by everyboddy. 

Whenever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny 
kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a 
" beat" and charge it tew mi account. 

A wise man iz never less alone than when alone. 

A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz 
genius. 

Tallent must hav memory, genius don't require it. 

I don't beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the 
earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against 
temptashun. 

When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps 
the half bushel. 

A bile ain't a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it 
iz on sum other phellow. 

Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained 
In the following bracket — [grin and bear if] 

I don't kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, 
lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has. 

If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one " Doubt- 
ful" and the other 3 " Useless." 

Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the 
less yu git rid ov them. 

Virtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov vir- 
tew konsists in repentance. 



REMARKS. 309 

Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves 
ov all. 

A jest may be kruel, but a joke never iz. 

I never bet : not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, 
az bekauze i am afrade i shall win. 

A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy. 

I don't think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached 
yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it. 

The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, 
iz bekauze, they represent ideas. 

The books which summer tourists carry about with them 
are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the 
branes. 

The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak 
man ; I had rather be able tew milk a cow successfully, on 
the wrong side, than to be such a man. 



Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew 
me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. 

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick,, 
than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian 
fortitude, struggling with a mustach. 



REMARKS. 

MARRYING a woman for her munny is vera mutch like 
setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger. 

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde 
tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and 
see if he aint better konstructed for a phool. 

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, 
if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff. 

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want 
tew pick the men. 



310 AFFURISMS. 

I beleave in suggar coated pills. — I also beleave that virtue 
and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good na- 
tured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it 
with a worm-wood mallet and chissell. 

The pure don't grow old enny more than a mountain 
spring dus. 

Eize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, 
giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the 
devil, yu ma sue me for damages. 

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that 
God kant help but smile on it. 

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, 
(in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county ; 
for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose 
bi some other good quality s, while in the other case, i prob- 
ably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a 
phool. 

* Awl human happiness is conservatiff ; 2 thirds ov the pleas- 
ure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. 
I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a 
hill 34 miles long. 

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all 
waste more time than we uze. 

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their an- 
sesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate 
descent iz jist what's the matter ov them. 

We are told " that an honest man is the noblest work ov 
God " — but the demand for the work has been so limited, 
that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must 
still be in the author's hands. 

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling 
what he would have did if he had bin thare ; I hav notised 
that this kind never git thare. 



NOSEGAYS. 311 

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time 
when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on' the 
jump ; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole — but other 
folks kan. 

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. 
If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has 
either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong 
plase. 

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch 
ripe politeness ; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov 
politeness ; i have seen them lower their heds while going 
into a barn door, that was 18 foot high. 

God save the phools ! and don't let them run out, for if it 
want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin. 

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but 
too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man. 

The man w T ho kan ware a paper collar a hole w T eek and 
keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else. 



NOSEGAYS. 

THE man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, 
iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which. 

If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the 
bottom. 

As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant 
kowards. 

I had mutch rather alwuss look forward tew the time, 
when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak 
once tew the time when i used to do it. 

A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessaiy to 
run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch 
cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced 



312 



AFFURISMS. 



every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they 
hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony. 

"When i cum akrost people who are perf ektly krazy for ven- 

tilashun, i say to 
miself, "that krit- 
ter was brought up 
in a windmill." 

The majority ov 
the world are like 
rats, they live upon 
plunder and forsake 
a sinking ship. 

Punktuality is one 
grate element ov 
sukcess. 

A watch that dont 
keep korrekt time is 
wuss than no watch 
at all. 

Grate powers are 
useful only az they 
nosegays. are made service- 

able — the value ov a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke. 
Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a 
simply bizzness man. 

A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun 
in it, but the one that falls kant alwus see it. 

The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz 
a nearer road to it allmost az sure — reading and reflekshun. 

He who reads and don't reflekt, iz like the one who eats 
and don't exercise. 

The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who 
commense on themselfs. 

He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a 
dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred. 

The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother's eye 
the plainer he will diskover — if he iz a man ov sense — the 
beam in his own. 




NOSEGAYS. 313 

People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion 
than they are a pruning-hook. 

Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew 
the prevailing fashun. 

It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and 
it pays better. 

Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though 
they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard. 

The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won't 
defend ennything. 

"Wlii iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our 
power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun 
az he iz out of our reach. 

Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty 
iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a 
consciousness ov evil. 

Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that 
are undeserved. 

Let no man natter himself that he kant be spared. Thare 
iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz 
aware ov. 

The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro 
different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the 
terms. 

A wicked man iz no kompany for himself s. 

All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most. 

It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man's wealth, for he that 
alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with 
less iz ritch. 

We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves ; the 
unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate. 

Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 
thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant 
phool ennyboddy but themselfs. 

Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too 
lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds. 

A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply 
than he will hiz strong ones. 



314 AFFURISMS. 

If men were stubborn just in proporsliun az they waz right, 
stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men 
are generally stubborn just in proporsliun az they are igno- 
rant and wrong. 

Genius after all ain't ennything more than elegant kom- 
mon sense. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz kom- 
posed entirely ov dignity, and nothing else. 

We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, 
whi kant we hay sum who will teach the art ov listening 
pashuntly. 

A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, 
and too little to be wise. 

Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and 
whare it will go we don't enny ov us seem tew kno. 

Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, 
they are like hornets, they mean sting. 

When a man ov laming talks he makes us wonder, but a 
wize man makes us think. 

It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit 
for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly 
unfit for solitude. 

A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for 
the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks. 

Style in writing iz like style in dress — a good fit. 

How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If 
their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell 
sum kind ov a rat. 

Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on 
each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for 
they set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps. 

What should we do if it want for the churches ? Thare iz 
a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. 
If they were out in a field on the' Sabbath day they would at 
once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or 
hunting for bumblebees' nests. 

People worth noticing should never forgit that everything 



NOSEGAYS. 315 

they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally 
true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad 
ones never. 

I phully apreshiate the proverb, " that speech iz silver, but 
silence iz golden,'' but i must say that sum ov the most dis- 
kreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze 
who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt. 

What iz happier tew meet than a good temper % It iz like 
the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite. 

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff 
the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny 
more fragrance on the cuss. 

Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an 
insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well 
ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gen- 
tleman. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like 
a life-preserver — only put on at the moment ov extreme dan- 
ger, and put on then, half the time, hind side before. 

With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin 
engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world 
— we are all ov us slaves to sumthing. 

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with 
the world, and retired into solitude ; but i hav never heard 
ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and ask- 
ing them tew kum bak. 

Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain't 
wuth mutch for a hoss : for the fust question that iz asked, iz : 
" What can he go out and show ? " 

I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and 
ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully. 

Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous 
life kasts. 

Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense — two 
ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced. 

Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze 
he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew 



316 AFFURISMS. 

liv in ; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make 
him afrade. 

It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, 
az it duz tew tell the truth. 

Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze ; i hav saw men so vain 
that they kouldn't look with kompozure upon a peakok 
spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun. 

Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez 
or duz. 

The man w T ho thinks " he kant do it," iz alwuss more than 
haff right. 

One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the 
truth, but it should be done, if — death ensues. 



SHOOTING STAES. 



MOST people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to 
hold enny thing else. 

Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz 
a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt 
up. 

" Misery luvs kompany," but kant bear kompetishun, thare 
aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in 
markit. 

A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever. 

Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most. 

A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind 
ov poultry. 

To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man's 
karakter — to be a bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to 
mutch. 

What a blessed thing it iz that we kant " see ourselfs az 
others see us," — the sight would take all the starch out ov 
us. 

Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine 



SHOOTING STARS. 



317 



out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny trubble at 
all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small end ov. 

I never question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right 
ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway. 

To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin. 

Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an 
arogant brat. 

Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu 
aint more cunning 
than all men. 

Excentricitys are 
most alwus artyfish- 
all, and the best that 
kan be sed ov them 
iz, they are quite 
az often the result 
ov diffidence az ov 
vanity. 

If i want tew git 
at the trew karakter 
ov a man, i studdy 
hiz vices more than 
i do hiz virtews. 

Eaith wont make 
a man virtewous, 
but it makes what 
virtew he haz got 
red hot. Those shooting stars. 

who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep 
their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the 
time skimming the surface. 

It don't do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a 
hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in 
hiz heels. 

Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an oc- 
kashional moment ov sadness. 

The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, 
weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm. 




318 AFFURISMS. 

Manner iz far more attraktive than matter — monkeys are 
watched clusser than eagles are. 

Jelous people alwus luv themself s more than they do thoze 
whom they are jelous ov. 

Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes — men dig for wood- 
chucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks. 

The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the 
world haz even seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous 
heathen. 

Men don't fall so often in this world from a want ov right 
motives, az they do from lack ov grip. 

Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny 
blunders, and they are yu and me, mi friend. 

Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, 
they prefer to work for nothing, and board themself s. 

Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself 
talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others. 

Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the pro- 
prietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint 
propper, ain't nothing. 

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan bio up 
like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze. 

I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man 
'burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy. 

Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew 
see them in their hours ov relaxashun. 

I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this 
way : A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig's tale, 
but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale. 

I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch 
to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick 
man would tell me all about this. 

Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr, John Smith 
will appear at Booth's Theater az Othello, or whether Othello 
w T ill appear az Mr. John Smith. 

I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the 
world. 



SHOOTING STAPS. 319 

Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon 
what they hain't got az the only things worth having. 

Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity ; if they aint 
stiff and solium they aint nothing. 

A fu branes in a man's lied are az noizy az shot in a blown 
up bladder. 

One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 
men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshnn for aktual 
bizzness. 

I hate grate talkers ; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite 
onto me. 

Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they 
were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately. 

Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay 
down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two 
leugths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too air- 
ish. 

1 hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn when- 
ever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it. 

I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day 
must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness. 

He who really deserves friends alwus finds them. 

Thare is " menny a slip between a cup and lip," but not haff 
az menny az thare ought tew be. 

The two most important words in enny languarge are the 
shortest—" Yes " and " No." 

One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the 
present time iz " Old Probabilitiz ;" he iz an ornament and 
honor tew hiz sex. 

Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more 
jealousy than men. 

Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew 
be beat 9 times out ov 10. 

In whipping a yung one, yu don't never ought tew stop 
untill yu git klean thru. 

I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kon- 
dukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me. 

Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think. 



THE IKTEEYIEWEK. 

I PITT Y the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow 
at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz 
spilte him. 

I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a liv- 
ing, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be 
an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz 
afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse. 

The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny 
thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can 
swallo. 

He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder 
to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin 
tew hunt for a human beef stake. 

He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, 
and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and 
worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug. 

He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things. 

Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they 
will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either 
dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out. 

They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog. 

Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned quid 
nunlc and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement 
on both. 

Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they 

320 




PHOTQ-CHQ-c o .- n . V- 



P- 320_ 



THE INTERVIEWER 



321 



Drill hang around the departure till they git an item, and then 
go for the widow. 

The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but 
aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so. 

They are az dangerous tew admit into jure konfidence az 
a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but 
bekauze yu are haff afrade they will. 

Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit 
him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, 
and tew make him 
an adept in hiz call- 
ing, he dont require 
enny more tender- 
ness than an under- 
taker duz. 

Yu kan git rid ov 
a hornet by brake- 
ing his nek, yu kan 
outrun a blak snaik, 
and kan hide from 
the sheriff, but the 
Interviewer, like the 
cursid muskeeter in 
the dark, hovers 
around yu, and if he 
don't bight, he sings, 
which is the wusst- 
est ov the two. 

I hav bin lit onto 
by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, 
az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day 
read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new 
to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather. 

Don't never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer ; he will 
open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail 
them on the haff shell. 

I treat all interviewers politely ; when they begin tew bait 
21* 




THE- INTERVIEWEE. 



I 



322 MONOGRAFFS. 

me, i ask them tew smoke (i never kmi one to refuse), and 
when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell. 

I am an awful poor whissler enny how. 

I do really pitty the poor Interviewer ; he works for hiz 
bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the 
bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at inter- 
viewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else. 

Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze 
kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence ; they 
are simply disgusting. 

Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny 
time on sutch stale goods ; he would az soon think of inter- 
viewing a last year's birds' nest, or a kuntry gide-board. 

Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer ; he thirsts for 
the game like a fox hound on the trak ; he livs upon plunder, 
and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz col- 
him in the morning Gazzette without a trophy. 



THE MUSK EAT. 



THE musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than 
a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Hokaway klam 
and a lobster are different from each other. 

He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal 
longer than he kan liv under the water. 

He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like 
the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade. 

He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, 
all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar. 

Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in 
market at that. 

Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that 
haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and 
aint diffikult tew suit. 

When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, 



THE MINK. 323 

and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their 
skins. < 

I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, 
cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and 
when they see me they change ends and point down, like a 
semicolon, and that waz the last ov them. 

The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than ■ 
a file haz. 

I dont dispize musk rat — oh, no ! — but i dont worship him. 

He haz but phew sins tew answer for ; the chief one iz 
digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the 
water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime. 

I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the in- 
sex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They 
are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the exis- 
tance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, 
as man iz. 

I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, 
akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant. 

I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all 
kinds in a warm day ; i had rather set down bi the side ov an 
ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who 
won't work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six 
hours at the opera and applaud what i don't understand, and 
weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the 
privilege ov doing it. 



THE MINK. 

THE mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz 
sum things in common with him ; they both smell alike. 
He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive 
deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i 
kno ov. 



324 MONOGRAFFS. 

His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashtm, 
and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar 
bills are. 

He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz 
perfume, which iz about haflp way in its smell between the 
beaver and the musk rat. 

The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, 
and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl's stocking. 

They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are 
skinned whole. 

I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them 
mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap 
and keep thare as a ray ov light iz. 

Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, 
but i wouldn't beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze 
he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn't kno what the truth 
waz. 

I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me 
ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow. 

I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz 
plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and 
then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste 
the time a leetle. 



THE DISTEIKT SKOOLMASTEK. 

THARE iz one man in this basement world that i alwus 
look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt. 

Pitty and respeJct, az a genral mixtur, don't mix well. 

You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, 
but not growing on the same bush. 

When they do hug each other, they mean sum thing. 

Pitty, without respekt, hain't got much more oats in it than 
disgust haz. 

I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed 
than tew pitty me 



THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER. 325 

But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take 
oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, 
and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster. 

When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just return- 
ing from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked. 

He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bach- 
elor, and a more anxious one than an old maid. 

He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az 
a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar. 

If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances 
are he will neglekt their laming ; and if he don't lick them 
now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him. 

The distrikt skoolmaster hain't got a friend on the flat side 
ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess ; the girls 
put water in hiz hair die ; and the skool committee make him 
work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him 
around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweet- 
ened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a 
day for vittles. 

And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skool- 
master swareing enny thing louder than — Condem it. 

Don't talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job. 

Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but 
they were all ov one breed. 

Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent 
breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git 
a good head on them. 

A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz 
codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lie- 
ing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz 
glory. 

Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a 
large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool 
hous. 

Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and 
boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager 
gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, 
and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in. 



326 MONOGRAFFS. 

But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain't 
got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz. 

He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz. 

He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a 
debt ov 50 dollars to and don't mean tew pay. 

He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, 
and finally iz missed — but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, 
i kant tell. 

Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man ; if he waz, he 
couldn't enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a 
kross kut saw. 

Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and 
with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus mean- 
ing ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their 
destiny s, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew 
mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than 
enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the repro- 
bate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and 
flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, 
and hain't been heard to sware — whi iz it that they are treated 
like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the 
morning, and eagerly forgotten? 

I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a 
butcher's shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the 
distrikt skool bizzness. 



SINGITLAK BEINGS. 



THE POMPOUS MAN. 

THE pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad. 
He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate 
just bekauze he happens tew feel big. 

He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will 
take the trubble tew meazzure him. 

He iz a man ov smaH caliber, but a good deal ov bore. 



SINGULAR BEINGS. 



327 



Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the 
world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits 
snubbed often amungst folks, he rekompenses himself bi 
going home and snubbing hiz family. 



THE ONE IDEA MAN. 

The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both 
eyes and goze for things 
jnkontinently. He 
misses, ov course, often- 
er than he hits, but 
don't kno the differ- 
ence, and is always 
reddy to argue the 
question. Yu kant 
konvince him that he 
iz wrong enny more 
than you kan a hornet. 

One idea men are 
their own wust ene- 



mys, 



and there iz but 




one kure for them, and 

that iz tew agree with 

them. If yu think just 

az they do, they will 

soon want tew think 

sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, 

which makes them perhaps endurable. 



THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE 
THE QUESTION. 



THE HAPPY MAN. 

The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he 
kant set down and deskribe it. 

Happiness iz like helth — thoze who hav the most ov it 
seem tew kno it the least. 

Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happi- 
ness along the side ov the road just the same az you would 



328 MONOGRAFFS. 

dandylions — noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this ; 
they are alwus happy, ov course. 

When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont 
cheat me, he only cheats himself. 

THE HENPECKED MAN. 

The henpecked man iz most generally married ; but thare 
are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the 
pullets. 

Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if 
they are in the company ov their wives. They look az hum- 
ble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet 
day. 

Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man 
like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months' 
turn ov the fever and agy. 

The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their 
viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git 
hold ov a man that time {thank the Lord!) who understood all 
the hen-peck dodges. 

One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex. 

The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts 
on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will 
git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that 
he will be captain ov his household ; but the old woman soon 
takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would 
a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and 
had tew be jerked out dredful quick. 

THE OFFICIOUS MAN. 

The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious 
for a job. 

He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snub- 
bed in one place, it don't seem tew diskourage him, but like 
the fly, he lights on an other. 

The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, 
who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in 
front of yu and be stept on. 



SINGULAR BEINGS. 329 

Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make 
friends ov all, and never succeed with any. 

There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi 
his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don't arise 
from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov 
stiking hiz noze into things. 

Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting. 

The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew him- 
self, and a nusance tew everyboddy else. 

I don't know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns 
than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it sel- 
dom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common 
politeness. 

THE PHTJNTSTY MAN. 

Thare iz hardly enny thing that a man iz so vain ov az the 
humor that iz in him. 

The jphunny man iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit. 

Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff ; he seldum rizes abuv 
a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point 
even in that. 

He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural dis- 
trikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he 
opens his mouth. 

The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are 
sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered. 

Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the 
quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, 
and bad enufl done at that. 

It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes ; 
for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man 
all thru life. 

THE CHEEKY MAN. 

Impudence, or sum thing like it, iz the leading trait in most 
suckcessful mens karakters. 

All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, 



330 MONOGRAFFS. 

fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of 
every-day life. 

Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us, will win 9 
times out ov 10. 

We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind 
ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man. 

Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, 
az he will on pitty. 

Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely 
in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them. 

The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a 
butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, 
but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this 
world, our turn never seems tew come round. 

The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations 
which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that 
the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, 
he goze for the worm. 

Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant 
sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you 
hav az mutch as a mule. 

THE LIVE MAN. 

The Live Man iz like the little pig ; he iz weaned young> 
and begins tew root arly. 

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation — the all-spice ov the world. 

One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch in adistrikt 
skool — he sets evry boddy scratching at onst. 

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month 
ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing " Home ! 
sweet home !" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly 
honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate. 

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a 
street kar — he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about 
what, the Lord only knows. 

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more 
time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons. 



SINGULAR BEINGS. 331 

He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at 
least IS months each year. 

He is like a runaway hoss ; he gits the whole ov the road. 

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze 
everyboddy else duz. 

The live man is not always a deep thinker ; he jumps at 
conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the 
spot he is looking at. 

He is the Amerikan pet, a perf ekt mystery tew foreigners ; 
but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the great- 
ness of this country than any other man in it. 

He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree. 

He don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets 
death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss. 

THE FAULT-FINDER. 

Good Lord, deliver us from the Fait finder, one ov yure 
kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human crit- 
ters are alwuss full ov self consait ; if tha waz humble and 
wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. 
Yure falt-fmding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov 
No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his 
big feet ; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and 
misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table ; he 
kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep 
from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous 
woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under pro- 
tess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha 
lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a 
liteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never 
are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I 
never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sum- 
boddy' s small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things 
and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this 
dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results 
in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-flnder ! 
if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and 



332 



MONOGRAFFS. 



if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them 
selfs. 

I had rather be a target for awl the bad Ink in this wurld 
than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good 
luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that 
falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw 
potater ; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov 
fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels. 

Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy 
the singularest are the 

-..Zji S>P/A/ST£f\S 




*&' 



1 1 (ftm 



SM3& 



JOSH AND THE BORDEK IJSTJUK 



TU inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the 
sosiety " for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles." 
Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad 
ov it. 

It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahed ov the preven- 
shun ov kruelty tew humans. 



JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN. 333 

It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind 
tew humans. 

I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure 
assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him 
personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall. 

In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the 
Injuns, and ask me, " if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the 
condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.'' 

Yu say yu are willing tew T bekum a missionary, and go 
aiming them, and labur for their good. 

The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss. 

He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who 
dont kno him the muchest. 

In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden 
bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they 
speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur. 

Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, 
but i git mi inf ormashun from the kritter himself. 

I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi 
misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with 
the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, 
nor az poets hav tost him up. 

I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi 
opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at 
fust cost. 

Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick 
tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, 
and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the bor- 
der injun. 

Thare ain't a more villainous individual, now loafing around 
loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun. 

The minnit an injun bekums what yu kail civilized, that 
minnit he iz spilte. 

A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a 
means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer. 

If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, 
whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, 



334 MONOGRAFFS. 

would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now 
residing on our border, and let them civilize each other. 

I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various 
tribes ov injuns. 

Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been 
ov enny uze tew an in jun. 

If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he 
will tell yu the same story. 

Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and 
git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the in j tin, 
mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him. 

Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all 
the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am 
tew blame for it. 

As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi 
opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure 
kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the 
rocky mountains. 

If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class mission 
ary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure 
skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov,.the 
rest ov yure life. 

The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov 
civilizashun, he iz satisfied with laming the vices, and only 
studdiz how tew improve on them. 

Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns 
natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle 
out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze 
two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they 
form the basis ov karakter. 

Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety. 
"When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure 
revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder. 

When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell 
amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about 
the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel 
injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and 



JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN. 



lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and 
several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, 
i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken 
out ov me, never more tew cum back. 

I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who 
have made up their minds, that the injnn iz a nobel kritter, but 
i will say tew them, 
stay at home, and en- 
joy yure sentiments. 

Dont go amung 
the nobel red man, 
now on our frontier, 
but stay at home, and 
write sum stanzas 
about him, and civil- 
ize him at a distance. 

I hav never had 
but one plan tew civ- 
ilize the injun, since 
i hav got old enuff 
tew do him enny 
good, and this plan 
iz more unique, than 
elegant. 

Mi plan iz simpli 
thus, — let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civ 
ilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the 
injun s head, with the skin attached tew it. 

Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one 
horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the -plan. 

This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i 
am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin. 

I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov 
civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov 
Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be 
thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings. 
and make sum more. 




336 MONOGRAFFS. 

This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe 
them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more. 

Try sum other breed ov human kritter. 

Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, 
haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, 
but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good 
men tew invest in the undertaking. 

Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kal- 
kulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint 
but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vine- 
yard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze 
piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull's 
eye every time. 

I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and 
let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze 
wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wig- 
wams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns. 

They will do it so that it will stay did. 

I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov 
yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, 
but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, 
unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and 
kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross 
wind. 



THE CUNNING MAN. 



CUNNING iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere 
skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the 
stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz 
more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon. 

Cunning ain't good at begetting, it iz better at executing, 

it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole. 

The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, 

and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and 

fail tew git hiz mouse. 



THE CUNNING MAN. 337 

Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful 
trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain't got the wis- 
dum tew bait it. 

Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav 
seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a 
boss awkwardly. 

Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise 
man, the cunning man's wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov 
hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the cor- 
ner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, 
stowed away in hiz heart, and don't use hiz wisdum tew find 
ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up. 

Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze 
themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus w r atching 
others. 

They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petro- 
leum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them 
tew fetch them tew a focus sudden. 

It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the 
same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging 
and kissing each other very much. 

Cunning haz a skanclalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov 
wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but 
looks and ackts just like his ma. 

It w r ould take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cun- 
ning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, 
and hiz windings, hiz in's and hiz outs, the parables in which 
he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he 
duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt. 

Cunning men's advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their' 
wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also 
composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew 
mutch for a stiddy diet. 

If you don't understand wiggling yourself, or the rudi- 
ments ov it, y u must, not git yure advice from the cunning 
man. 

Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue 
22£ 



338 MONOGRAFFS. 

on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long 
az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputaslmn. 

Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch 
breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and 
hav sumthing left over. 

But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, 
yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, 
when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole. 
Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch 
vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when 
vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than 
alarmed. 

Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more 
useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sud- 
den, and less sempelous. 

It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a 
clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning 
one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and con- 
trol, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, 
lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man 
he meets. 

Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they 
sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they 
cum to divide the plunder. 

The Deceitful Cuss. — An open enemy, a hearty hater, a 
bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a 
reckless company un, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, 
and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in 
them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking Deceit, who, under 
the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tob- 
baker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu 
the truth. 

Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes 
are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face 
ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an im- 
promptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she 
opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it 
honestly. 



THE CUNNIKG MAN. 339 

These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity 
and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion 
under a sheep's skin. 

It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum 
only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect him- 
self in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake 
ov counterfi tting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that 
he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, 
that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov 
soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace 
what iz shameful and wicked to do at all. 

I hav know men ov this brand, who where not wholly 
malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow 
if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for 
gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent 
traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake. 

But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a 
mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its 
viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, 
but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew 
play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative. 

It don't cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz 
rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but 
letting them go only makes them the more cunning. 

Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders 
and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the 
pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and 
the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuif by dispising, but 
what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping 
post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body 
into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and 
warms up into a viper. 

Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men 
hate, but leave the punishment to heaven. 

The Domestik Man iz ov a maskuline and feminine ten- 
dency — half and half — and sumtimes more so. 

He kan most generally be found at home — when he aint 
wanted. 



340 MONOGRAFFS. 

He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff 
pay, with promiss of promoshun. 

He kan beat Liz wife bileing soap, or missing the baby, and 
she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice consta- 
bel. 

He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything — when hiz wife iz. 

He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such 
by the whole family. The servants lafJ at him, and the chil- 
dren dont fear him. 

He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just 
about az dangerous. 

Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty ; 
and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into dis- 
gust. 

The Generous Man. — Generosity iz an instinkt — a kind ov 
natral crook — a weird child ov the heart. 

It iz diffrent from profusion ; profusion iz most alwus the 
decoy duck ov vanity. 

Generosity iz diffrent from charity ; charity iz the impulse 
ov reason. 

It iz diffrent from justiss: — justiss iz 16 ounces tew the 
pound, and no more. 

Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sum thing 
less than profusion ; it iz the good a man duz, without being 
able tew give enny reazon for it. 

If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will 
hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong. 

Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth : no one ever saw a 
generous man who waz a coward or a liar. 

Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks 
faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did. 

The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that 
the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz. 

He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking 
hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up. 

Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it 
haz over love. 



FKEQUENT KRITTERS. 



341 



This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writ- 



ing about. 



FREQUENT KRITTERS. 



THE LOAFER. 

rp HE loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dis- 
JL pized just for the privilege ov abuzing others. 

He occupy s all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the 
bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans 
aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August. 

He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re- 
echoed, and whare 
to be in hiz konfi- 
dence iz konsidered 
an honor. 

He iz not alwus 
destitute ov kommon 
sense, and quite 
often iz the author 
ov jests which pass 
upon the unwary for 
humor and even wit. 

He haz no pride 
that is worthy, and 
haz no delikasy that 
enny boddy kan hurt. 

During hiz boy- 
hood he kills kats 
and sells their hides 

to the hatters, and frequent kraters. 

robs all the hens' nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood. 

During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and 
drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else's ex- 
pense. 

During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and sum- 
mers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz 




342 MONOGRAFFS. 

buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on. 

This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov 
the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human 
kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months 
whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers. 

The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, 
will make any man a loafer. 

The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a 
man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he 
kan git without digging. 

THE PKOJEKTOK. 

The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often 
like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, 
and when it iz hatched out, yu kan't alwus tell what kind ov 
a breed the thing iz. 

He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years 
trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 
quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist 
az he reaches out tew grab it. 

He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too 
often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz. 

The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz 
frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain't no one kan 
beat them at standing on one legg. 

I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long 
life, richer in their own estimashun than Croesus, and poorer 
in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus. 

They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if 
ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the 
principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and 
starve tew death on the glory ov it. 

I hav known several ov these poor phellows in. mi life, and 
only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all 
over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby. 

I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partic- 
ular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for 



FREQUENT KRITTERS °>4:3 

thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the 
man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches 
tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a 
kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov 
calfs liver. 

But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for 
iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making 
a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and 
finally die, and leave the tune haff finished. 

THE KONDEM PHOOL. 

Thare iz two kinds ov pliools, at the date ov this article, 
laying around loose in the world, one iz the natral, and the 
other iz the koridem. « 

Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I 
shall tutch lightly before I git thru. 

The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi 
the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds. 

He liaz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heav- 
enly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse 
weed and the rank thissell. 

The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew 
all the credit ov the job. 

Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz 
her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like 
a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence 
with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the oc- 
kashun. 

He often haz a lied phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov 
beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him. 

The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make 
him all the the suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing 
iz common sense. 

Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, 
they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az 
ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs 
all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would 



344 MONOGRAFFS. 

take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsej az 
the nek ov a ded goslin. 

The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare 
iz in this world, he ain't alwus malislms, but iz alwus a phool. 

I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, 
and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, 
i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish. 

It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny'boddy kan 
be one, and not suspekt it. 

Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon 
the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand 
alwus being phull up tew the supply. 

I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashnn, 
(i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and 
don't let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov 
the world would be bothered tew git a good living. 

Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew 
introduce the following : 

The " Profeshional Phool," one who travels for a living. 

The " Wag Phool," one who is a phool on private ackount. 

The "Bizzness Phool," one who either Bulls or Bears 
everything in the market. 

The " Radikal Phool," one who kant help it. 

The " ConservatifF Phool," one who kan help it, but wont. 

The u Meek Phool," one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls 
to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast. 

The " Hipreshure Phool," one who, like the hornet, alwus 
keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun. 

The " Silly Phool," one who thinks the whole civilized 
world iz in luv with him. 

The " Wise Phool," one who thinks he knoze all things, 
and luvs everyboddy. 

And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds 
ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now. 

THE PRECISE MAN. 

The " Precise Man," sumtjmes parts hiz hare in the middle, 
and when he duz, he kounts the hairs on eacli side ov hiz hed, 



INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 345 

and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded 
even. 

If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so — if he iz 
a bachelor it must be more so. 

He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for 
all odd numbers. 

He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew 
bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov 
taking, a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a 
dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter. 

The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well 
broke az a setter dog's, for he seldum makes a false point. 

He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the 
naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner. 

He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from 
pride az from principle. 

He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and w T ould rather hav 
them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov 
Homer. 

Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and 
she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe 
sope. 

The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease 
hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up 
the old wodden klok in the kitchen. 

He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded 
and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out 
with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg 
whare his hat alwus hung. 



INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 



THE OBTUSE MAN. 



THE obtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron- 
bound like a beetle. 
He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst 



346 MONOGRAFFS. 

them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he 
butts. 

It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a 
wedge into a pepperidge log. 

He alwus sez " Yes" to what he don't understand, and iz 
az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone. 

He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a 
wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore. 

He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cuius tew die he iz 
az well seasoned az a foot-ball. 

If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, 
he wouldn't alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and 
be a hard-shell baptist. 

Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be 
very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, 
but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide 
open. 

THE POSATIFF MAN. 

The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, 
and then tells yu he knew he shouldn't win. 

He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and 
if it don't happen he knew that too. 

If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an 
accident, it waz sumthing that couldn't help but happen. 

He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit 
what he kicks at. 

Yu kant tell him enny thing new, nor enny thing old, he iz 
more certain ov things than Webster's unabridged dickshion- 
ary. 

The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz. 

He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned 
out at last tew be a good hit. 

The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very mali- 
shus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and 
tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are 
pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest 



INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 347 

THE CROSS MAN. 

The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, fol- 
lowed by flies. 

He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of 
silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl. 

He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but 
about what, he kan't tell, tew save hiz life. 

Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the 
street dispizes him. 

He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels 
savage, everyboddy else must feel humble. 

Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, 
nor none eazyer tew kure. 

He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good 
knok down will do so. 

THE PASHUNT MAN. 

The pashunt man never sez " dam it" however much he 
may think so. 

He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov 
musketeze tew turn hiz skales. 

He kan't tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him ; 
it may be nothing but numbness after all. 

Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its 
power tew resist temptashun. 

It ain't but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, 
not even in fly time. 

Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung 
the gifts ; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew. 

The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man's pashunce on, iz a 
kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer 
every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and 
brain both. 

THE FUNNY MAN. 

The funny man kan't open hiz mouth without letting a 
joke fiy out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out. 



348 MOXOGRAFFS. 

Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only 
desire iz tew make yu lafT, and real wit don't stoop so low. 

The funny man's jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he 
reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then 
absorbs all hiz humor. 

It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az 
dredful az the counternting bizzness. 

Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, 
not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, 
they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see 
enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az 
good az religion. 

THE HONEST MAN. 

Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser. 

Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable. 

If. every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the de- 
mand. 

Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git 
it, and then work harder tew keep it. 

Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, 
and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount. 

You couldn't put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden 
ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn't be found. 

Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an 
honest man, he wouldn't hunt for hen's eggs on Sunday, but 
he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, 
just tew save eggs. 



PECULIAE OXES. 



THE SQUARE MAN. 

THE square man meazzures the same each way, and haint 
got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him. 
He is free from knots and sap, and won't warp. 



PECULIAK ONES. 



349 



He iz klear stuff, and I don't kare what yu work him up 
into, he won't swell, and he won't shrink. 

He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are amung 
carpenters, he won't 
season-krack. 

It don't make 
enny difference 
which side ov him 
yu cum up to, he iz 
the same biggness 
each way, and the 
only way tew git at 
him, enny how, is 
tew face him. 

He knows he iz 
square, and never 
spends enny time 
trieing tew prove it. 

The square man 
iz one ov the best- 
shaped men the 
world haz ever' pro- 
duced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter 
tew fit a spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him. 




2TJLIAR ONES. 



THE OBLONG MAN. 

The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he 
duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every 
time yu want tew use him. 

The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way 
to-morrow. 

He ain't alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only 
unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that 
he iz sorry that he waz bilt so. 

Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and will 
fit most enny kind ov a spot with a very little altering. 



350 MONOGRAFFS. 

THE PERPLNDIKLAR MAN. 

The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, 
and iz az uprite az a lamp-post. 

He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around 
loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misf ortin, and 
that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good. 

I don't like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are 
things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk 
aginst. 

I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus 
git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by 
himself. 

THE UMBER MAN. 

The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov 
humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch with- 
out breaking. 

He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies 
bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in 
such a bad place that he kant be mended agin. 

Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to 
manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, 
yu find them pizon slippery. 

Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they 
kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next. 

When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like 
a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare. 

Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be 
better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people 
we hav. 

THE JOLLY MAN. 

Jolly men are most alwus good men. 

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good 
natur. 

I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows, who 
were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz. 



PECULIAR ONES. 351 

Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, 
she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry. 

I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity. 

When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless 
tew be vicious. 

I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare 
was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena 
when they imitate the wail of an infant. 

'Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we 
watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, 
when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether 
the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz 
only the aroma ovthe hikkups. 

THE PEWTER MAN. 

The pewter man takes hiz name from the old-fashioned 
pewter spoon, made out ov cheap material, impossible tew 
keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny 
thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus half 
dollar. 

Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only 
kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they 
don't amount tew mutch. 

They ain't exactly phools ; if they was, we could deskribe 
them better. 

They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whet- 
stuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew 
keep up the assortment. 

They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go 
thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green- 
apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to. 

THE FITEING MAN. 

The flteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw 
on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung. 

He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and 
an ugly pug noze. 



352 MONOGRAFFS. 

Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another 
human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it. 

All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls 
it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt. 

Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, 
and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with 
hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar. 

He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle 
yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable 
him tew outwit hiz adversary. 

THE PRECISE MAN. 

The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, 
and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard. 

He iz more partiklar about being just so, then he iz about 
being right. 

Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and 
kant be kured. 

He iz most alwus what we kail a virtewous man at heart, 
but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind. 

He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass. 

He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and 
sumtimes the very hour that enny important event took 
place. 

He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the nabor- 
hood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grand- 
father tell what sort ov a kloud it waz that the lightning cum 
out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, 
and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape ov a cocked 
hat. 

The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and 
trifling incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew 
him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else. 

He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a 
last year's Farmers' Allminax. 

He is az set in hiz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch 
out a glass egg. 



COQUETT AND PRUDE. 353 

COQUETT AND PBUDE. 

MENNY essays Lav bin writ on the natur ov woman, set- 
ting forth her aspirashuns, her genius, her impulses, the 
delikate mechanicks ov her pashuns, the aroma ov her heart, 
the soft leading strings ov her dispisishun, the cast iron forti- 
tude ov her resolves, and the lnrid glare ov her love and her 
hate. 

I hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi 
long cultivated opinyun, that woman and her character in the 
lump, iz like the ranebo in the East, butiful beyond language, 
full ov promis and impossible tew paint. 

In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call .woman the 
lesser light, the moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along 
the buzzum ov the skey on an errand ov love, light for the 
hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher while the world sleeps, 
queen ov the night, jeweled with stars. 

I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which can't 
reach perfection without a pole to climb, and then often mount- 
ing far above the pole. 

Man i call the sun, filling the earth with phrenzy, woman 
the moon, that chastens the twilight, and steals through the 
lattice to play on the hearth-stone. 

Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be 
the blotting out ov the sun, or the moon. 

Each one haz their appointment, which should not be 
changed. 

When the moon gits between the earth and the sun, then 
we alwus have an eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, 
the arktekt ov men, monkeys and things, haz given me and 
mi wife two paths to travell, side by side, and both ending at 
the same goal. 

Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competi- 
tion, that what one iz both may be, i shall beleave this when 
the roze bush bears butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume. 

Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be strange 
if we shouldn't find a variety, sum even that are unlovely, 
23$ 



354 



MONOGRAFFS. 



for perfeckshun don't inhabit this world, not even in the dis- 
guize ov a woman. 

Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, 
that is devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary 




COQUETT AND PRT7DE. 

vegatables, one is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, 
and the other at the northern, or frigid end. 

The southern crop is coquetry, and the northern one is 
prudery. 

Sumtimes these patches are cultivated more assidiously, to 
the neglekt ov awl the rest, and form the staple crop of the 
heart. 

Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels 
its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don't 
seem to care who gits hurt. 

It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like' a spider for 
its viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than 
in keeping him. 



COQUETT AND PRUDE. 355 

A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, in the springtime 
of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, full of thorns. 

Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but 
the fragrant glory of a coquett is not of this breed. 

This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good 
ones, and spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill 
digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems 
of viktorys without honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting 
their own dirges. 

Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the 
hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and co- 
quets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philoso- 
phers tell us, that " extremes meet." A prude skorns tew 
make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, 
she hates a man with her love. 

A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give 
the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest 
prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn co- 
quets, who are too decrepid to take the field. 

Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in 
couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the 
prude kan nuss the dieing viktim. 

But prudes and coquetts never agree ; two ov a trade sel- 
dom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, and the old 
age ov both iz bitterness. 

Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled ; 
and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty. 

Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find 
enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by 
flatterys. 

But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches 
in her heart ; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts 
teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the 
remorseless pruning-hook of the prude. 

It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz 
nothing more than a coquett gone to seed. 

I would rather be a coquett than a prude ; thare iz some 



356 MONOGRAFFS. 

fun in it — thare is viktory in it ; while prudery, at best, iz 
only a defeat in an inglorious cauze. 

Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame 
az a patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, 
besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to 
their daughters ; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest 
kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough. 

In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, 
that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets ; all 
that they bag afterward are of the same breed az themselves ; 
and to the prudes I would suggest that wimmin are growing 
more plenty every year, and that thare are but few ov them, 
who insist upon it, that will pay the wear and tear ov a 
humiliating and laborious siege. 



FOLKS WE ALL KNO. 



THE EFFEMINATE MAN. 

THE effeminate man is a weak poultiss. 
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with 

the cork left out ov the bottle over night. 

He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his 
hands filled with dandylions. 

He is a tea-kup full of whipped silly bub — a kitten in pan- 
tylets — a sick monkey with a blonde mustash. 

He is a vine without enny tendrills — a fly drowned in sweet 
ile — a paper kite in a ded calm. 

He lives as the butterflise do — noboddy kan tell whi. He 
is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless 
as a shirt button without enny button-hole. 

He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a 
last year's grasshopper. 

He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny 
gissard. 



FOLKS WE ALL KNO. 357 

He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water 
spilt on the ground. 

THE JEALOUS MAN. 

The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting. 

He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt 
tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he. 
haz. 

Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about 
the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus 
happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable. 

Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness 
---dreadful sick and kan't vomit. 

THE ANONYMOUS MAN. 

The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and pays 
for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any 
more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't 
trumps. 

He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices. 

He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and 
noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare. 

He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert 
ov Sarah. 

He sprung from a respektable family ; his great grand- 
father woz a justiss ov the peace ; but he has not got vanity 
enuff tew brag on it. 

He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye 
watch iz ; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, 
and run quietly down. 

THE STIFF MAN. 

The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. 
He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that 
iz lokated in hiz noze. 

He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard. 

He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muz- 



358 MONOGRAFFS. 

zell, and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but 
don't dew enny dammage. 

I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man. 

This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter. They 
seem tew know they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, 
tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap. 

Thare ain't bnt fu men who git stiff on what they acktu- 
ally know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they ack- 
tually feel. 

Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare 
ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country. 

The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum 
Indian in him. 

Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and 
have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew 
git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov. 

Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress 
from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that 
hav been able tew git limber sinse. 

THE MODEL MAN. 

The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting ; 
never speaks cross tew a lost dogg ; always puts a five cent 
shinplaster in. hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav 
it ready Sunday morning for the church platter ; rizes when- 
ever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle 
plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's 
tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon ; 
reads the Phunny Phellow, and laffs bekause he kan't help 
it ; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays boss with the chil- 
dren. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans ; goes 
eazily of errands and cums back in seazon ; attends every - 
boddy's phuneral ; kan always tell when the moon changes ; 
thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to ; 
follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own ; praktices most ov 
the virtews without knowing it ; leads the life ov a shorn 
lamb ; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew 
save making enny further trubble. 



THE NEAT PERSON. 359 

The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews re- 
spekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about 
az long az a pleasant day duz. 

He may be called a " clever feller," and that iz only a 
libel ; but he will git hiz reward hereafter — when the birds 
get theirs. 



THE NEAT PERSON". 



"Yj^EATNESS, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav 
.1 1 alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while 
I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did 
understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fear- 
ful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in be- 
ing a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable 
pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making every boddy un 
eazy who kumin kontackt w T ith it. 

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail beds in 
the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in 
hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of 
its viktim. 

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on 
the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they 
would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would 
hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs 
were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would 
hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with 
the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself — espeshily 
in mi soup. 

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so 
eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness ; but they don't 
seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly 
cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, 
and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin. 

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, 
they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would, clean 



360 



MONOGRAFFS. 



a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 
months. 

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning 




THE NEAT PERSON. 



it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz 
either bileing soap or making dip kandles. 

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, 
and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git 



OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS— TWO OF THEM. 361 

dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwtis very 
literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, 
and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt 
best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin — very regularly 
laid out, but not planted yet. 

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would 
love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds 
ov neatness ; but i think we would keep house by travelling 
round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, 
and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the 
whole ov the United States ov Amerika. 



OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS— TWO OF THEM. 



JOHN BASCOMB. 

JOHN Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon 
county, State bv Iowa. 

He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 
33 feet oph. 

He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent 
him 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with. 

He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize 
in the late melee, and sez he won't take sass now from enny 
man living. 

He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die 
for hiz religion. 

He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell 
iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez 
that one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work on the same 
vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites. 

He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he 
lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud. 

He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, 
and sez that no other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a 
day iz enuff for helth. 



362 



MONOGRAFFS. 



He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 
years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to 
vote for Jim Buchanan. 

He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin's rite 
convenshun. 

His gratest desire, he tells me, iz ten see Gen. Jackson, and 
sez that he shall go next year down ten Tenneseeteu see him. 

He fatted a hog 
last year, with hiz 
own hands, that 
weighed 636 pounds 
after it waz drest and 
well dried out. He 
iz very cheerful, and 
sez he won 7 dollars 
on the weight ov this 
hog, out ov one ov 
the deakons ov the 
hard-shell church. 
He deklares this teu 
be one ov the proud- 
est acksidents ov hiz 
life, for the deakon 
waz known far and 
near az a tite kuss. 
He tells me that 
for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, 
and haz arozen at precisely 5 o'clock the next day. 

The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short 
drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he 
reads the allmanax. (/ will here state that it iz " Josh Bil- 
lings' Farmers' Almanax" that he reads) 

I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. 
He pronounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell 
drink, whiskey unadorned, waz the only speerits that never 
went bak on a man. 

Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et four 




JOHN BASCOMB. 



OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS— TWO OF THEM. 363 

slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 
hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, 
a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage 
and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday's dinner. 

Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et enny- 
thing but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sumkoldham, 
and sum injun puddin tew top oph with. 

Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov 
kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, 
once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard 
and hoss reddish. 

I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual 
bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun. 

He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee 
Doodle, with variashuns. 

He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't done ennything at the 
trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, 
but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett. 

He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used 
ten hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare 
down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the 
kaudle appendix still remaining. 

On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. 
He sed " that he had been married 15 times, and proposed 
again teu Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who 
waz 28 years old." 

I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining 
the lady's hand, and he sed " it lay between him and one 
Theodoras Whitney, a travelling korn doctor," and added " if 
Whitney didn't look out he would enlarge his head for him." 

Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life 
and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice: 

" To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard 
shell doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik 
ticket." 

I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given 
me ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to 



364 MONOGRAFFS. 

mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that 
i should do so, not forgetting teu make special menshun ov 
what he had sed about enlarging Whitney's hed for him, for 
he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood. 

I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, 
and thought over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for 
long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike. 

The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum 
akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how 
he managed. 

ELIZIBETH MEACHEM. 

Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township 
whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated 
mortality that has ever been mi blessed Ink teu enkounter. 

She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only 
about 194: years old. Next to Lot's wife she iz the best pre- 
served woman the world kontains. 

I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and 
in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a 
phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream 
ov quicksilver down an inklined plain. 

I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov 
them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than 
Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle. 

Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply 
bekauze she couldn't die without cutting short one ov her 
storys. 

I asked her teu show me her tounge — I wanted to see if 
that member waz badly worn ; but she couldn't stop it long 
enuff teu sho it. 

This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny 
partikular habit. 

She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, 
by out-talking them. 

The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood 
ov her language with, waz the fashions ; but this waz a sub- 
jekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan't mutch. 



OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS— TWO OF THEM. 365 

As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az teu 
her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu 
both old and yung — i refer now teu matrimony. 

Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use 
her own words, " waz too lazy teu talk, or ten listen while she 
talked, and so he died." 

Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor 
listener, and, tharefore, he died. 

Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she 
remarked, " either he or she had got teu die, and the man 
died." 

Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died 
early. 

In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all. 

Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly : 

"Elizabeth Meachem, yu hav been mutch marrid, and 
mutch an inkosolate widder — at what time ov life do yu think 
the marrid state ceazes teu be preferable V 

She replied : 

" Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am." 



GOOD EEZOLUSHUNS FOE 1872, 1873 & 1874. 

THAT i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body 
else's expense. 

That i wont borry nor lend — espeshily lend. 

That i will liv within mi inkuin, if i hav tew git trusted 
tew do it. 

That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and 
bed-bugs. 

That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov ad- 
vise they are anxious tew follow. 

That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go bare- 
foot tew do it. 

That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined 
fork. 

That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two 
for one. 

That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, 
unless he happens tew be blue. 

That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath. 

That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 
shillings a gallon. 

That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing 
in disguise. 

That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight — straight tew 
the gutter. 

That the world owes me a living — provided i earn it. 

366 



GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874. 



367 



That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az lie will stick tew 



me. 



That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon. 

That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az po 
liteness kontinues 
tew be az cheap az it * ft£$Cl fa 



roo r 



PU H His 




iz now. 

That i wont hav 
enny religious 
kreed miself , but 
will respekt every 
boddy else's. 

That if lovely 
woman smaks me on 
one cheek, i will 
turn her the other 
also. 

That if a. man kails 
me a phool, i wont 
ask him to prove it. 

That i will lead a 
moral life, even if i 
lose a good deal ov 
phun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will 
beleave what he sez without trieing it. 

That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with 
him, for it iz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose. 

That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall 
insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking 
phund. 

That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it 
the seckond time. 

That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz 
seldum so convenient. 

That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov 
a 60 day note. 



368 MISCELLANEOUS. 

That the best time tew repent ova blunder iz just before 
the blunder is made. 

That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi 
darn luk tew miss it. 

That i won't grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed 
the bissness. 

That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money 
i kan earn tew do it. 

That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarser 
every day. 

That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan re- 
spekt myself in doing it. 

That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won't 
envy him, but i will pity the ansestors. 

That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they 
weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal. 

That i won't bet on nothing, for things that require betting 
on,lak sumthing. 

That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it 
silently. 

That i won't be suprised at ennything, not even tew be 
told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus 
died ritch. 

That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov mal- 
ice, but out ov w T isdum. 

That i won't hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i 
think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it. 

That i won't wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i 
was purer than i am. 

That i won't kovet enny man's wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz 
kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash. 

That i will Ian 2 every good chance i kan git, whether it 
makes me gro phatt or not. 

Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that 
are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov 
brass music, Wimmins' rights convenshuns and grass widders 
generally. 



MY FUST GONG. 369 

MY FUST GONG. 

I NEVER kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound or 
the first gong I ever herd — i was setting on the frunt 
stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smok- 
in. 

The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere 
was blushing at the purformanse. 

The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa 
tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and 
thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, 
and gallus wimmjn. 

Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, 
i felt grate, i aktually grew. 

Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar 
times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees 
speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho 
he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost 
sware he was a bank president. 

Thats what ailed me. 

But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz 
Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) 
just az i was doing my best, "...'•" dummer, dummer, 
spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, 
rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, • ■ • • 
with onetremeujis jump, i struck the senter ovthe sidewalk, 
with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud iiu 
the middle ov the strets snorting like a injinponey, at a band 
ov musik ; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi 
harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as 
luce as a string ov prairy beads. 

I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, 
i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. 

I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when 
the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand 
holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. 

He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu 
24J 



370 MISCELLANEOUS. 

him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong ; i saw the cus- 
sed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav 
black or green tea and i ced i would. 



KORK 

KOTZN iz a serial, i am glad ov it. 
It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and 
in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like. 

Korn iz sumtimes called maize, and it grows in sum parts 
of the western country, very amaizenly. 

I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mean the aktual 
korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.) 

Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff 
az an adder. 

Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made 
out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, 
ov the bread purswashun, known tew man. 

Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt 
into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a 
hot fire. 

When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a 
sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, 
and are reddy tew be chawed upon. 

They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro ten- 
der, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and 
then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more. 

J hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodg- 
er without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve 
to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger. 

They git the name dodger from the immegiate necessity 
ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger. 

It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a 
korn dodger, that iz only three hours old. 



KOliN. 



371 



Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they 
found it I don't kno, and i don't know as i care. 

Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whis- 
kee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man. 

We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons 
with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if 
it want for noble whiskee. 

We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosi- 
ety, nor demokratik politicians, nor prize fites, nor good 
murders, nor phatt 



VCVN C WKN BE 
t — -• 




aldermen, nor whis- 
kee rings, nor noth- 
ing, if it want for 
blessed whiskee. 

If it want for korn, 
how could ennybod- 
dy git korned ? 

And if it want for 
gitting korned, what 
would life be worth ? 

We should all sink 
down to the level ov 
the brutes if it want 
for gitting korned. 

The brutes don't 
git korned, they 
haint got enny 
reason nor soul. 

We often hear ov " drunken brutes," this is a kompliment 
to oxen which dont belong tew them. 

Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are 
brigadeer-ginerals. 

Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin. 

Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat. 

All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the 
last ov the puddin. 

Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down 



372 MISCELLANEOUS. 

into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn't want him 
to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit. 

When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare 
Joe waz, they didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum. 

It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or 
enny ov the other vegetables. 

Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, 
it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade. 

Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that 
iz a kob. 

This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull 
ov korn as Job waz ov biles. 

I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how 
he managed tew set down in a chair. 

Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without 
hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts. 

Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the 
square inch, than iz usual. 

One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel 
iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more. 

I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum 
parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint 
no good law aginst stealing it. 

In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, 
and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a 
shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and 
sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all. 



ADYERTIZEMENT. 



I KAN sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, 
a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the 
virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land 
is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pas- 
tor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, 
and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder ; streams ov spark- 



ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS. 373 

ling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilder- 
ness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grass- 
hopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits 
through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like 
the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, 
in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and 
sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun 
iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with 
rubiz and the mother ov pearl ; the floors are ov rosewood, 
and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of 
heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry 
apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, 
or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds 
ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt 
expressly for the birds of paradice ; w r hile somber in the dis- 
tance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the 
dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze — 
here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov 
dreamy landskapes, and here' the philosopher diskovered the 
stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex north- 
ward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain 
ov the Duke John Smith ; while southward, and nearer the 
spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov 
Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls 
ov primitiff rock, laid in Soman cement, bound the estate, 
while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the 
magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young 
morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the 
ski, an angel may be seen each night dan sing with golden 
tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the 
place.) 



ADVICE TEW LECTTJK KOMMITTYS, 

1 DON'T hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind 
e how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him. 
2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking mem- 
bers tew meet the lekturer at the depot. 



374 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



3. Don't fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure 
way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest 
town in kreaskun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a 
riiillyun. 

4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer imme- 
diately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew 
send out for them. 

5. "When the lekturer's room iz reddy go with him in 
masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu 

had over 3 thousand 
people in yure city 
at the last censuss, . 
and are a talking 
about having an op- 
era house. 

6. Don't leave the 
lekturer alone in his 
room over 15 min- 
nits at once; he 
might take a drink 
out ov his flask on 
the sli if yu did.' 

7. When yu in- 
trojuce the lekturer 
tew the aujience 
don't fail tew make 
a speech ten or 
twelve feet long, oc- 
cupying a liaff an 

hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov 
yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better. 

8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and 
then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don't laff a 
good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a fail- 
ure ; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will kon- 
klude they are stool-pigeons. 

9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the 




ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS. 375 

richest ov yure populasliun up onto the stage and let them 
squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer. 

10. Go with the iekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a 
hunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that 
yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don't 
think so. 

11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers 
had succeeded who had preceded him, don't forget tew tell 
him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew 
guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits 
out ov town. 

12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, 
don't hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits 
before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with 
a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters. 

13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a 
lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense 
growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated 
up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels. 

14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two 
selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 
cents a kupfull. 

15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most 
appreshiated aujiences, and he won't fail tew tell.yu (if he iz 
an honest man) that thare ain't no state in the Union that 
begins tew kompare with yures. 

16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, 
next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands 
with him with a kind ov deth grip, don't forget tew state that 
yure citty iz growing very mutch in people. 

17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won't 
pay expenses, don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a 
chunk out ov the lekturer's fee. The lekturers all like this, 
but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so. 

18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but 
the abuv will do tew begin with. 



376 MISCELLANEOUS. 

SUPPLEMENTARY. 

Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the 
world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don't require 
enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it. 

Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. 
I think i am right when i say that all things which do not 
corrupt are innosent. 

It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, 
tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are 
but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell. 

It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest — even 
a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he 
cums out or goes into his hoel. 

I don't bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Feb- 
iiary, either forced, or out ov their latitude. 

"Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don't 
pleaze long. 

Yu kan't find contentment laid down on the map : it iz an 
imaginary place not settled yet ; and thoze reach it the soon- 
est who throw away their compass and go it blind. 

The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the 
one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, " know thy- 
self? 



LETTER TO FARMERS. 

Beloved Farmers : 

Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce ; she iz also the 
step-mother ov gardin sass. 

Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big 
fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease 
yure boots. 

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then 
commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs. 

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remem- 



A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 377 

ber yu kant git ritcli on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in 
the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese. 

The happy est man in the world iz the farmer ; he rizes at 
2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, 
and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese 
and worry s the hogs. 

What iz a lawyer ? — What iz a merchant ? — What iz a dok- 
tor ? — What iz a minister ? — I answer, nothing ! 

A farmer iz the nobless work ov God ; he rizes at 2 o'clock 
in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov w T ood and 
two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese 
and stir up the hogs. 

Beloved farmers, adew. 



A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 



FEELING- the grate need miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i 
hav organized a tempranse klub, and am anxious tew 
take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, w T ho haz fair 
moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in 
hite. 

Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub 
iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az 
follows : 

Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns 
for one dollar. 

Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our 
regular rates. 

The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with 
a pickle in it. 

The password iz — a sweet breath. 

The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sen- 
timents without the aid ov whisky. 

We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the in- 
juns. 



378 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, 
not admitted, such folks are too respektabel. 

No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to 
change a bill, and see what iz going on. 

We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss 
stealing, and the like. 

"We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussid- 
ness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon 

whisky, we hold 



that he probably 
will. 

One ov the prin- 
sipal objekts ov 
this klub iz tew 
find out which haz 
got the most spirit 
in it, a man, or a 
quart ov whisky. 

If a man kant 
keep from gitting 
dry without being 
put under bonds, 
he must jine sum 
other tempran se 
klub. 

This klub haz no 

pollytiks, nor no 

religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even 

the dimokratik tiket, and tend the presbeterian, or hard shell 

babtisst meeting house. 

No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a mod- 
erate horn ov lickquor ; (if he aktually needs it) without the 
aid ov a doktors preskripshun. 

Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, 
are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how. 

No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound 
ov salt codfish and not feel dry. 




^7EM^ 



A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 379 

Old bummers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless 
they giv the pass word, (the pass word iz named above.) 

All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least 
be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themselfs. 

We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but 
we do beleave that entreaty and example haz. 

This iz not a total abstinence klub. 

We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how. 

If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him 
in again az soon as he gits sober. 

Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting 
sober. 

Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkourage- 
ment, free. 

Klub-room open nite and day. 

A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing 
up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots. 

Man iz our brother, and we haven't learnt yet that rum haz 
destroyed the relashunship. 

The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov 
decent amuzements. 

Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are in- 
vited tew bring the dogg. 

No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club. 

Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and 
hear us talk hoss, and see us drink root beer. 

We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate 
than one total abstinent. 

This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth 
without lieing. 

A temperate liar is the very wust kind. 

Total abstinence iz the only kure for lieing. 

The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and con- 
stitushun, and see if we liv up tew them. 

Wanted, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted 
fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that 
thare aint no phnn in this world only in a gin cocktail. 

~No phools nor bigots solicited. 



380 MISSELLANEOUS. 

PROVEKBIAL PIG. 

AZ the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig 
cum tu gladden us. 
Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young 
zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ovbuty, and his 
figger is the outline ov lovlaness. 

His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov 
affecshun. 

He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from 
the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. 

He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his 
feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth 
with his kindred, beside the still waters. 

His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, 
and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the 
white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. 

His words are low musik, and his language the untutored 
freshness ov natur. 

His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is 
elaganse. 

He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the 
dallianse ov dewy fragranse. 

He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on 
errants ov gladness. 

He listeneth tu the the reproof of hiz parent ;his ackshuns 
are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov 
instinkt. 

His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfull- 
ness. 

As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth 
in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth 
hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments 
ov life. 

He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, 
and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely. 

Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, 



JOSH BILLINGS' ADDRESS. 381 

and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh 
salt for its safety. 
This is Pig life. 



JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "EEMAIL 
PORDLWK SOWING SOSIETY." 

FELLER SISTERS :— When I caste mi eye on a sirkle 01 
luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems 
tew stretch clean akross mi bnzzum. And when i reflek for 
a rninnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find them- 
selfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the 
corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu 
me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. 

Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a f rend ; 
he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk ; his verry 
natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the 
lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. 

And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a 
krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt ; then he looks at the 
Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he 
kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he 
t-hinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the wa- 
ters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho 
he wud like tew own awl the f em ail sowing sosieties in the 
wurld hisself, and put biz hole fortin in the little reddy made 
cottin shirt bizziness. 

Oh Charitee ! Oh Charitee ! When Josh Billings com- 
munes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, 
and sot awa tew cool. 

Eeller Sisters, don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty 
stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. 

Josh wud like no better fan than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, 
that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing so- 
siety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advan- 
tage, wil git her final reward. 



382 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in ; remember Mr. 
Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. 

Cum together arly, and of tin, buy yure cottin by the pease ; 




JOSH ADDRESSES THE FEMAIL ' PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY. 



be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now 
and then, a bogus heathin. 

Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and 
the " Femail Pordunk Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer 
prosterita, .like a wide-awake torchlite possession. 

I bid yu tenderla ajew. 



THE FUST BABY. 383 

THE FUST BABY. 

THE fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life ; 
and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of 
the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, 
they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy — an 
event ov mutch gladness. 

Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov 
soft eyes looking into yours — to wonder how so mutch buty 
could have been entrusted to you — to sarch out the father, or 
the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, 
in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you — tew 
pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little 
bird in yure nest — tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy 
ov awl joys — a feast ov the harte. 

Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly 
than when she was wooed — tew see a new tenderness in her 
eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she 
tells something new about "Willie" — tew luv her far more 
than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips — tiz 
this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plez- 
zure. 

Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust 
notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind 
f rends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure — tiz this 
that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. 

Tew look upon the trak that life takes — tew see the sun- 
shine and shower — tew plead for the best, and shrink from 
the wust — tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be 
chastened when death comes — tiz this — oh ! tiz this that 
makes the fust baby* a hope upon arth, and a gem up in 
heaven. 



JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH. 

JOSH BILLINGS being duly sworn, testifys az f oilers: 
Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left 
over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in arith- 



384 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



meticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a number 6 
boot. 

Yirteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav 
tew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best. 

Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive 
abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit — compakt, and go 
strate for the bull's eye. 

Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better 
tew be a devil than a hypokritt. 

I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they 
could tell, but i never met one. i hav often met thoze who 

could tell a grate deal 
more than they did 
kno, and waz willing 
tew sware to it be- 
sides. 

To be proof agin 
flattery, a man must 
hav no vanity, and 
such a man never ex- 
isted ; if he did, he 
iz now one ov the 
lost arts. 

Hope haz made a 
grate menny blun- 
ders, but thare iz one 
thing about her that 
i alwus did like — she 
means well. 

Sum people are 
good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and 
others, bekauze they hant got a good chance. 

Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud 
ov — thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from 
bad to good, than from good to bad. 

In munny, interest phollows the principal ; in morals, prim 
ciple often phollows the interest. 




JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH. 385 

Yu will notis one thing — the devil seldum offers tew go into 
partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer 
tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital. 

Curiosity had twins — one waz Invenshun and the other 
waz Stick Yure Noze Into Things. 

Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan 
think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan 
be held accountable for. If you w T az a going tew try pure 
love for a crime, what court would yu take her before ? 

I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint 
never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz 
found, we shant be none ov the better off. 

I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv 
yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu. 

" In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum 
family s liv all the time. 

Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew " bet hiz 
bottom dollar," yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the 
size ov hiz pile. 

The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not 
tew possess a single virtew. 

Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch 
mollassis. 

The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however 
mutch he may shake them oph, Will often call on him thru 
life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance. 

Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho 
it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit 
drop out. 

Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference — 
in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch 
man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys. 

Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism. 

I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz 
born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they 
should looze it, they wouldn't kno it. 

We never outgro our phollys — we only alter them. 

. m 



386 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Tbare iz this difference between charity and a gift — charity 
cams from the heart ; a gift, from the pocket. 

Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked. 

Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin 
ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty. 

When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that 
she iz in tune. 

I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy 
than principle. 

Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret 
good, and they never take enny tew keep. 

The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer 
man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enuff 
not to be suspekted. 

Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing. 

Hypockrasy iz alwus humble. 

Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, 
he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn't hav it. 

It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born 
naked, and it iz no more disgrace. 

Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth ; 
thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty. 

Dont forget one thing, mi boy — that when five men kail 
yu a suckcess, and one man kails yu a failure, that the one 
man's testimony iz what fetches the jury. 

Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur ; self-prezervashun iz the 
seckond. 

Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them 
at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz reli 
gion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle. 



JOSH AT NIAGABA FALLS. 

AFTER a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i 
find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on 
the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous 



JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. 387 

jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie 
into the vitals ov Lake Ontario. 

I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far 
"West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the 
center ov winter, and a cold time for money. 

For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife's arm az still 
az tho I had growed thare, and couldn't see enny thing on- 
account ov the clamor the water made ; but gradually i begin 
tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov 
thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, 
and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. 
My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for 
her kamphor. 

The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has 
been deskribed so often and so intolerably well hj previous 
visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it 
would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it ; but 
i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles bed fust into 
the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends 
amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how 
lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the 
Almighty. 

The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, 
winch, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, 
the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made. 

I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must 
have been at least three thousand square feet. 

I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry 
to fall, could be heard two hundred miles ; but i didn't hav 
time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so. 

I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States 
and Great Brittain, about half-and-half ; but i shouldn't won- 
der if, sum time, the United States would own the whole 
ov it. 

JS T atur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz 
not been lazy. 

Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, 



388 MISSELLANEOUS. 

that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with 
it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger 
ov spiling. 

The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, 
and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls. 

This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve 
feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the 
water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road 
bridge, three miles below. 

Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it 
being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, 
every boddy waz anxious that I should go over. 

I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, 
my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted 
whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly 
over. 

We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the 
dizzy ride. 

My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az 
we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we 
were fairly one flesh. 

When we had seen her magisty's soil, and safely recrbst 
the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all 
the suspension bridge glory that i wanted. 

We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open 
arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in 
one ov them. 

I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my 
soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, 
" suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot 
lemonade whiskee iz better." 

Thare iz one thing that Niagara don't lack, whatever may 
be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz profes- 
sional guides. 

Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me 
tew the strong points ov the place. 

One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with 



JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. 389 

pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of 
the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked 
and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew 
guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me 
sum if he would be keerful. 

During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company 
he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting 
lies. 

He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun 
warrier, Tecum ser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted 
three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own 
grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that 
Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical 
house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immor- 
tal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, 
(and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably 
would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore- 
fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it. 

But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead 
more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan't so green. 

He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, 
a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady's head who past, 
last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the 
round side ov a hemlock slab, playing " A life on the ocean 
wave " on a base vial. 

After the young man had guided me for one hour and a 
quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him. 

He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az 
tho he thought we possibly might be twins. 

I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family 
waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the 
right change to a ded beat. 

Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys 
thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got 
some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents, 

Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock 
that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on 



390 MISSELLANEOUS. 

the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked 
up by a little boy at the water's edge, who waz fishing for 
pickled crabs. 

It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew 
the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are famil- 
iar with the step. 

I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque 
than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most 
imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while 
rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the 
God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacri- 
legisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a pal- 
try piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence 
and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dol- 
lars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal. 

In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled 
out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me 
to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the 
two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it. 



SUM VERY BLANK VERSE— THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT. 

Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook, 

Expektant lays the spekeld trout. 

April showers, with blood from 

Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet's 

Veins, and dancing on its buzzum 

Cums sunlite and shaddo 

Hand in hand. 

Just here the verdant willow bends, 

To lave its tapring fingers 

In the kristal flood, 

And fragrant spearmint scents the 

Creeping wind. 

Close by, upon the alders highest limb 

Swaying, the blackbird sits, 

With mello thrut full ov April songs, 

Responsiv tew the sadder notes 



THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT. 391 

Of Robin red breast from yonder maple, 

While solium az phuneral cortege 

The dusky crow beats his wing 

Against the swimming ski. 

Tis Spring ! or from the brooklet's 

Grassy bank the violets would not 

Be stareing with their eyes ov 

Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air 

Would indistinkt be heard 

The thousand echo's waking, 

Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep. 

Sweet time ! the yung year innocent. 

Gentle Spring ! in undress, 

Unconscious ov her buty, spreds 

Her golden tresses to the wanton wind, 

While buds and blossoms early 

Welkum the lovely goddess to . 

This throne of hers, 

And reddy stand, with harps soft strung, 

With dreamy musik, 

Sweet time ! ov all the varied year, 

Most charming and oftnest sung. 

* * *■ * * * 

Akross the meddo, 

Whissling a lively catch, 

Just az the morning sun 

Looks o'er the nabring hill, 

Cums Afriks old and well-tanned son. 

Old time haz bilt upon this darkey's 

Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twisted. 

And shrunk hiz parchment skin 

Cluss fitting tew hiz bones. 

A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur, 

Hiz hed engulphs, 

And well filled with holes, 

To let the water out that enters in ; 

One boot he wears, oddly mated 

With a shoe ov anshunt daze. 

From thrut to waist wide yawns 

Hiz coarse and starchless shirt, 

And over all, loose and ragged 

Whips the wind, what once waz 

Master's Sunday koat. 

Nearer az he cums, and ketches 

With his well sped ear the 

Streamlet's morning son, hiz 



392 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



Whissell stops, and creeps this 
Olden darkey, with muffled tread, 
Still nearer, where swiftly runs 
The pearly waters, to hide 
Beneath the shelvy bank. 
The friendly willo, tho yung with leaves, 
Between the early sun and dansing 
Waters, spreads a quivring shade, 
Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands. 
Soon to hiz pole ov alder wood, 
(Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,) 
He ties the horse hair line, 
(Himself did weave), and feeling 
With hiz old fingers crisp the 
Barbed hooks point, sure to be 
That dullness waz not sleeping thare, 
He takes (oh ! nauty Ishmel !) 
From out a quaint old bottle, 
That hold perhaps a pint, 




He takes — a drink, 

Smackin his lips, and "bressing Gi 

In inenny a looped and squirming 



THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER. 393 

Knott he hangs the hook about, 

With fresh and tempting worms. • 

One step nearer — still one more — 

Then waving in the air aloft 

The flexile line, and light, 

With hand unerring, the pole 

Obedient drops the struggling 

Worm just in the current's mouth, 

Whare the water fust begins its race. 

Oh ! art exquisitt ! Oh ! bliss extatic !— 

(None but the Ishmahels hav lernt 

This art, or this bliss felt.) 

Down the brook's swift thrut swims 

The giddy worm, a fatal journey, 

For darting, az a streak ov silvry light 

From sentinal place, the 

Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw 

The barbed deceit. 

Now who kan tell, with words enuff, 

The thrill that follows ? 

I kant ! 

But stranger look ! upon the grassy 

Bank, dancing in deth, and see a 

Two pound trout, game and butiful 

To the last. 

All day, shaddo like, Old Ishmahel 

Steals up and down the stream, 

And when the sun hiz daily rase 

Haz well ni run, 

With basket full, and bottle empty, 

Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder 

Than a king, goes whissling back 

The way he cum. 



THE DANDY AND THE TH1MBLE-KIGGEE. 

AFTER natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, 
she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, 
and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two rem- 
nants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just 
to see what the compound would produce. 



391 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few min- 
nitts a half-baked, cornikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, 
before her. 

This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a 
boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame 
Nature turned him loose into the world, to root. 

The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar. 

A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed 
the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no 
cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and saw- 
dust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead 
butterflys, with pins through them. 

Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each 
ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov 
brains, which ackted independent ov each other. 

One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to 
tight boots, and a third to colone water. 

All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the 
fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them. 

Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon's 
last sensashun in perfumery ; his whole emotional natur finds 
its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris 
fashions, hung up in a taylor's window. 

The genuine dandy — one who knows hiz bizzness — never 
falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass ; hiz strong- 
est pashun iz admirashun ; he kant reach the dignity ov love. 

To love, requires both brains and a soul ; and a dandy in 
love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at 
the feet ov a tulip. 

Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird ; hiz pashions are 
weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case 
wear out together. 

He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to 
the last. 

Dandys hav no courage ; their pashuns are a mixtur ov 
weak and delikate things ; they kant insult, nor be insulted ; 
they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold 
enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized. 



THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-KIGGER. 395 

Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan 
think ov now, highly commendible ; the}' are selfish (and have 
a right to be), bekanze they haint got enny thing to spare ; 
their ambishim haz no more glory in it than a scent bag. 

Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, bnt in 
the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor ; meekness implys hope, 
but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence. 

But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, 
they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they 
go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very 
bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little impor- 
tance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a 
clever twist in a yeller neck-tie. 

Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the hum- 
ming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and 
thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible wo- 
man would marry him, enny quicker, than she would know- 
ingly take connterfit money in change. 

This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many 
pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so 
much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog's head on a 
bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, 
thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare 
iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, 
among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, 
and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys 
philosophy. 

Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah. 

It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and 
very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, 
encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz 
late lamented father — or, "enny other man." 

The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped 
with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster 
on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz 
conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az 
big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thim- 



396 MISSELLANEOUS. 

bles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem 
to be invariably thar. 

This pellet iz humorsly called the "little joker," and iz 
carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov 
one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated 
finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger. 

This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but 
probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them. 

If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by persw T ashun, 
and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game 
enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with 
lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards. 

Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, 
it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, 
and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman. 

It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profli- 
gasy, that haz yet bin invented. 

Hum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the 
judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the 
roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy. 

They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent 
ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the ten- 
derest pashions. 

All that gamble may not reach the low r est depths ov its 
degradashun, but they are on the right road. 

Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives 
wont answer. 

One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the 
small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never 
git rid ov the skars ; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but 
once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like 
a ghost around the buried. 



LONG BRANCH IN SLICES. 

LONG Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate 
on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated 
cluss down to the edge ov the water. 



LONG BRANCH IN SLICES. 



397 



The populaslnm iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy 
genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus. 

The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlan- 
tik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, 
stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum 
out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit. 

The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and 
proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. 




JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH. 

Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprink- 
ling of innocent deviltry. 

1 am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fust 
hands, and finds but few takers. 

The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for 
more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state 
this as a stubborn fakt, and the " oldest inhabitant" may help 
himself if he can. 

The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for 



398 MISSELLANEOUS. 

years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz de- 
posited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe 
keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and 
number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the 
oshun. 

I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think 
it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav 
alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and op- 
pressed. 

Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung 
thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav 
begun to git galled. 

Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and 
are called " recruiting." 

They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good 
judges) more hraceing than the sea-airing. 

Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a 
millyun ov airs more or less. 

Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the 
other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-col- 
lars, turned down, and short nozes turned up. 

The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, 
and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew 
sleep, iz tew pray — they will kontinue on to do so. 

The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and 
weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov 
mind, i think he will win. 

The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz in- 
fested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent crea- 
tures, who eat 3 meals per day. 

The f email portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up 
their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their 
trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that 
w^ould make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn't post- 
poned living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that 
she could hav got the style. 

I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, 
and bring their best clothes with them. 



LONG BRANCH IN SLICES. 399 

Long Branch haz menny tilings to interest the schollar, and 
the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt. 

I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good 
rotary movements on it. 

I didn't bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst lose- 
ing enny money. 

I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile 
mi morality, but the loss ov a f u dollars, would git mi virtew 
out ov repair for ages. 

Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, 
and the world-renowned musketo. 

The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, 
cluss bi Long Branch. 

He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a 
string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and 
tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, 
sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot. 

The musketo iz az natral to !N"u Jerseeaz Jersee liteningiz. 

The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz 
allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to 
me, or enny ov mi near relashuns. 

If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, 
for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimb- 
let, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philoso- 
pher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if 
enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare 
haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises. 

I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the 
opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, 
and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house 
shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it. 

Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put 
up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things. 

Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never 
enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it. 

It will then be forever too late. 

I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find 



400 MISSELLANEOUS. 

a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell 
with them heavily. 

I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny 
boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they do 
knotv how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid 
poor hotels, all over the country. 



BILLIARDS. 

EVERYBODD Y seems tew be gitting crazy over a new 
game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards. 

It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer 
than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing 
sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they 
drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the 
outside ov the tabel. 

It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on. 

They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, 
with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a 
chalk mark onto the end ov it. 

Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch, in 
the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, 
till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on. 

But yu ought tew see the game ; it kant be delineated bi 
w r ords. 

One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he 
pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov 
gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul 
hands drink. 

Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch, 
fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning ; 
then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little 
drunk perhaps ; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded 
that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox. 

This iz billyards. 



HABITS OF GRATE MEN. 

HABITS OF GEATE MEN". 



401 



HABITS are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite 
boots. 

Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg's tale, 
natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental. 

George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor 
ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns 
perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried 
to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, 
with a solution ov sheet iron. 

In this way he discovered cansir, one ov the signs of the 
zodiac, and it haz ever 
since bore his name 
in English. 

George also wore 
an uprite collar, about 
one fpot in upriteness 
and alwus used kats 
intestines, for shew 
strings. 

He waz a grate 
man, and had sum 
habits. 

He died in due 
time. 

And haint bin seen 
since. 

His widdow waz 
inconsolable for a 
large amount. Hiz 
widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal 
shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 86.. 

If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, ct *peace tew 
her ashes." 

If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov 
ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay. 
26$ 




HABITS OF GRATE MEK.. 



402 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, 
that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon 
the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the 
dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich. 

He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined 
with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian. 

He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail 
which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity. 

He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preach- 
ed, which history sez was cussid good. 

Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like 
the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all. 

Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny 
crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze 
who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz 
way ov doing things (on the hed ova flower barrell), tho often 
tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet. 

Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor. 

He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus' rode sideways on a 
side-saddle. 

He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until 
he waz plumb ded. 

His exsentricitys waz theze. 

He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood. 

When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov 
hiz elbo. 

He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life. 

He made all ov hiz pills down cellar. 

He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents 
ov medisin, but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal 
Magnum, only in hiz oddity s. 

Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after 
the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arry rat, and i presume 
iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work. 

He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a 
standard work for menny generashun ov rats. 

This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, 
by being burnt with a widder, in a phuneral scrape. 



WOMEN'S RIGHTS. 




Woman who smokes, — and don't vote. 




The Womon who votes, — and don't smoke. 



JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. 403 

Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented 
excentricks that ever smiled. 

He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz 
the author ov Gin. 

Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, 
and all lost. 

The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz pe- 
culiarness waz hiz way ov smiling. 

He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the 
same time. 

♦ This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, 
that the original idee iz all wore out. 

He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their 
daddy. 

History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without 
enny water in it. 

But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov 
contempt. 

Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father 
waz also one before him. 

This oddness haz also its immitators. 

Ebenezer died w T ith a smile on his countenance, or just after 
one. 



I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate 
men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it 
for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav im- 
mitated them,) than the Lord ever haz. 

Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how. 

Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile be- 
hind him. 

Oh ! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale. 



JOSH BILLINGS INSUKES HIS LIFE. 

IKUM to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, 
that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other 
folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent 



404 MISSELLANEOUS. 

of the " Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the 
following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a 
pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little 
round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned : — 

QUESTIONS. 

1st — Are yu mail or femail ? if so, Pleze state how long you 
have been so. 

2d — Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than 
one at a time ? 

3d — What is yure precise fiteing weight ? 

4th — Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how 
much? 

5th — What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov 
the 10 commandments. 

6th — Du yu ever hav enny nite mares ? 

7th — Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor ? 

8th — Do yu beleave in a futer state? ifyu du, state it. 

9th — What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov 
rats tu the head ; can it be did successfully ? 

10th — Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did 
it seem to affect yu ? 

After answering the above questions, like a man in thecon- 
firmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, 
ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for 
a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most 
pensive smiles. 



HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. 

First. — Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a 
white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, 
a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color. 

Seckond. — Exam in hiz ears ; see that he haz got tew ears, 
and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz 
hearing iz good. All bosses are dunx. but a deff and dum 
hoss, are not desirable. 



HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. 



405 



Third. — Look well to hiz eyes ; see that he haz got a pupil 
in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too 
large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, 
and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss 
look tu mutch like 
a trakt pedlar. 

Fourth. — F eel 
ov his neck with 
the inside ov yure 
right hand, see 
that the spinal col- 
lum iz well fatted, 
and runs the 
whole length ov 
him from fore to 
aft, a hoss without 
a good phatt spi- 
nal collum from 
fore to aft aint 
w o r th, (speaking 
sudden) aint worth 
a well denned cuss. 

Five. — Put yure the hoss. 

hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a 
quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs 
to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see 
if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet 
cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water. 

Six. — Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, 
number 8 iz about right. 

Seven. — Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz 
boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov 
his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to 
see if he knows how tew kick. 

Eight. — Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, wind- 
galls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, 
thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks ; see if he haz got a 




406 MISSELLANEOUS. 

whirl-bone ; look for sum pin-hips ; hunt for strains in the 
back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks. 

Nine. — Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last 
May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark 
burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron. 

Ten. — Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glan- 
ders; look just back ov hiz ears forsighnsof pole evil, pinch 
him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at 
both shoulders for a sweeny. 

Eleven. — Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him 
up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant 
with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express 
train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty 
leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him 
with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things. 

Twelve. — Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, 
ask if he iz a roarer, and don't be afraid tew find out if he iz 
a whistler. 

Thirteen. — Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, 
aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter. 

Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a 
good family hoss, there iz a grate menny other things tew be 
looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him. 

Good bosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny 
kind ov hosses, are skarser. 

Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine 
him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the 
square, send him tew the !New York legislature and rejoice 
that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, 
in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with 
him with perf ekt impunity, but when yu buy a good family 
hoss ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and 
make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the 
Lord tew forgive him. 

" An honest man it the noblest work ov God" this famus 
saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late 
Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss. 



GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS TROTT. 407 

GKEAT AGKIKULTURAL HOSS-TEOTT. 

AT PORDUNK. 

Oct 10, 11, 12, 13, U, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th. 



JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER. 

AGRIKULTUR iz the mother ov provisions ; she iz also 
the grandmother. 

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and 
if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash. 

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been dis- 
kovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living. 

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz let- 
tis, and bukwheat. 

The Billingsville agricultural society opened Oct. ten, and 
waz a powerful success. 

The reciepts ov the Agricultural Fair waz upwards ov $30, 
000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) 

The Hon.Yirgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member 
ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools. 

FUST DAY. 

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that 
had never trotted before for munny. 

Thare waz thirteen entries. 

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, 
(if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) 

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red 
colt^ and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, 
and the fainting ov several fust-clsss females, and one white 
foot behind. 

SEKOND DAY. 

It rained like aperpendikular aul day, and no trotting could 
be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, 
and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt. 



408 MISSELLANEOUS. 

THIRD DAY. 

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i 
ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think 
she does.) 

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man. 

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old 
colts. 

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the 
time being so slow. 

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds. 

FOURTH DAY. 

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25. 

Thare waz 26 entrys ; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so 
they took turns. 

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's 
colt. 

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust- 
rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agri- 
kultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, 
he skorned to stoop so low. 

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss. 

FIFTH DAY. 

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz 
spent in betting on the weight ov hosses. 

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did. 

One man swopped two hosses fur one ; this struck me as a 
devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft. 

At the end ov the fifth day i cum away. 

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep 
from whinnering. 

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time 
waz made. 

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry 
serves me rite, and i think she duz.) 

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the 



OATS. 409 

ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, 
and some worsted work, but they didn't seem to attrakt enny 
simpathy. 

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots. 



OATS. 

OATS are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, 
bekauze thare iz more than one ov them. 

They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one 
quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler. 

This straw iz interesting for its sukshun. 

Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the 
buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler 
in 4 minnitts, bi the watch. 

I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and 
reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum 
boddy will fetch on the cobbler. 

This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing. 

I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that 
in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the " splits " that win. 

If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought 
that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler 
and agin the suckshun. 

But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in 
most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully 
dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain 
ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, 
but waz full sister to filtered rane water. 

If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, 
but i must git back onto oats agin. 

I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to 
bite into it to do it. 

I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying 
with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, 



410 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



yu kant work what's left ov it into en ny thing else, not even 
a rag karpet. 

Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi 
mind. 

Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov 
sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don't have but 
one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze 
i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew 
bed. 

She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, 
and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and 
kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last 
roll of rag karpet. 

But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a 
parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had 
rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with 
warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back 

onto oats agin. Oats 
gro on the summit ov 



X^SS.^ 




Oats are 



sum straw, and are 
sharp at both ends. 

They resemble shu 
pegs in looks, and 
build, and it iz sed, 
are often mistaken for 
them by near-sighted 
bosses and shumakers. 

I dont intend this 
remark az enny dero- 
gativeness to shumak- 
ers in the lump, for i 
hav often sed, in mi 
inspired moments, if 
i couldn't be a shu- 
maker, i would like to 
be a good lawyer, 
phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a 



OATS. 411 

stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know lie 
is tickled somewhare. 

This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they arnuze the 
stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the 
hoss lafis. 

I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could 
be did. 

Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who 
wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind 
of folk are always the eazyest to cheat. 

They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they 
tri it, this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz 
aktnally worth. 

It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experi- 
ence, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik 
bight the other phellow. 

The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and 
barley, and bukwheat. 

Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like 
menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate. 

Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in 
poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but 
when you cum right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the 
bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warrent 
a good crop. 

It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov 
all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam 
waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy 
to swet. 

Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz 
worth. 

I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and 
goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month 
of August, they couldn't earn their pepper-sass. 

Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or 
perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count. 
Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never. 



412 MISSELLANEOUS. 

It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it 
would save them a good deal of time on every hundred 
bushels ov oats. 

Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively 
so, Methuseler died ritch. 

Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now 
multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a 
dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz 
worth. 

Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording 
tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a 
hoss. 

They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper oi 
pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean 
on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, 
very skarse. 

Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes 
them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold. 

I found this oat all alone by miself. 

Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize. 

All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the 
ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all 
over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with 
a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and 
woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle 
them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a 
rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in 
a stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them 
up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, 
then stow them away in a granery, then spend wet days, and 
Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice. 

It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats — try it. 

One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and 
tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov 
them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster sud- 
denly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and all. 



A LAFF.— PASHUNCE OV JOB. 413 

* * * # #• # * * -x- 

A LAFF. 

Men who never laff, may have good hearts, but they are 
deep seated, — like sum springs, they hav their inlet and 
outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the 
brim. 

I don't like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandy- 
lion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it. 

It iz true that enny kind of a laff iz better than none, — 
but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust, to see 
if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his 
cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, 
at the korners ov his month, like a thing ov life, then busts 
its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a 
shower ov silvery tongued sparks, — then steals bak, with a 
smile, to its liar, in the hartc, tew watch agin for its prey, — ■ 
this is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade ov. 



PASHUNCE OY JOB. 



EYPYBODDY iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and 
Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but 
did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and 
borde 'round ?. 

Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and 
hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once % 

Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend 
baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall ? 

Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and tnrf it 3 
miles bef oar brekf ast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep 
a tempranse hous ? 

Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy 
tail, in fli time, out in a lot? 

Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old 



414 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing 
" damnashun ! " 

If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the 
same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job ! 



Friday. — Yisited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, 




for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. 
She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery 



THE GAME OF YEWKER. 415 

by saying, " she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged 
to * * * * .» J blushed like a biled lobster, and told 
her she couldn't be too keerf ul about such things ; i might 
hav bin ruined for life. 



THE GAME OF YEWKER. 

THIS ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old. 
It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie 
steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl 
its juvenile beauty. 

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its 
absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and 
chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing. 

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the 
smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare 
else. 

If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will aston- 
ish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame 
you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play po- 
ker with ; but you will be more astonished when you see the 
other feller's hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and 
a one spot. 

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old 
sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to 
a square church raffle. 

I never play yewker. 

I never would learn how, out ov principle. 

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in 
Ku England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was 
born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity. 

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness. 

But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, 
whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten. spot won't count 
game. 

I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ovrespekt to old 
Connekticut, mi natiff place. 



416 MISSELLANEOUS. 

BEER. 

I HAY finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager "beer iz 
not intoxikatin. 

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it 
aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged 
tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this 
same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was 
drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz 
proper enuif tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, 
and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus. 

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never 
drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made 
my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, 
but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov 
place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss 
than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i 
was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for 
it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was 
cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife 
hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have 
cum thundering up too. 

Oh, how sick i was ! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it 
now. 

I never had so much experience, in so short a time. 

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxika- 
ting, i should beleave him ; but if he should tell me that i 
want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov 
order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just 
how a man felt and akted when he was well set up. 

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural 
simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober. 

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank 
the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, 
and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, 
and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the 
bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the 



BEER. 



417 



room try in tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in 
setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it 
tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, audi sett 
down a little too toon, and missed the chair by about 12 




inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the next 
one when it cum, and that ain't aul ; mi wife sed i waz az 
drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up 
things freely. 

27* 



418 MISSELLANEOUS. 

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty 
mean, that i kno. 

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been 
told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever 
drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb. 

I don't want tew say enny thing against a harmless tem- 
pranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with 
mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open. 

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember 
right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one 
side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew 
soak in. 



LAUGHING. 

IT never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation 
hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none 
hav succeded ;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power 
appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans. 

It iz the language ov infancy — the eloquense ov childhood, 
— and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. 

It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions ; and (with: the 
very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff 
iz always agreeable and in order. 

It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words. 
— Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny 
diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense. — It 
makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weari- 
ness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper. — It 
never iz covetous. — It ackompanys charity, and iz the hand- 
maid ov honesty.— It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and 
iz the talisman ov kontentment.— Sum have kalled it a weak- 
ness — a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, 
and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language 
ease, and expreshun elegance. — It holds the mirror up tew 



THE ADVENT NO. 2. 419 

beauty ; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly. 

It iz the light ov life ; without it we should be but anima- 
ted ghosts. 

It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and car- 
ries haff ov poverty's bundles. — It costs nothing, comes at 
the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. — It iz the only index 
ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase. — It 
never grows old ; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the 
grave. 

Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would 
show no joy. — It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits 
the heart ; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was 
the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with 
outside the Garden ov Paradise. 



THE ADVENT NO. 2. 



THE seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov 
slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. 
They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty 
years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk ; 
and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they 
rub out the slate, and begin agin. 

Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they 
tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they 
say, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two 
inches, which iz mighty cluss for so big a thing. 

The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin 
an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, 
and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov 
having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, 
upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, 
not to be in the way. 

But az i grew older — if i didn't gro enny wizer — I had the 



420 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov 
advents. 

I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine 
Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or 
scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be 
able to destroy it in the same way. 

I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin 

able tew pick, that 
waz lieing around 
loose, ov man's inter- 
nal natur, thet if the 
world hadn't bin bilt, 
before man waz, he 
probably wouldn't 
hav bin satizfied if he 
couldn't hav put in 
hiz lip. 

Man iz an uneazy 
kritter, and luvs tew 
tell how things ought 
tew be bilt and haz 
got jist impudence 
enuff tew offer his 
valuable services tew 
the Lord espeshily in 
the way ov advice. 
"Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will 
sumtime be knocked out ov time ; it hain't got the least partic- 
kle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, 
it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, who 
will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and 
cypher out the earth's death to day, iz no wizer ; nor less 
imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors 
phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town. 

The bible that i was brought up on, sez: "that the son of 
man cometh like a thief in the night," and evry boddy knows, 
that the fust intimashun we hav ov a thief's visit iz, that he 
haz been here, and left. 




THE ADVENT NO. 2. 421 

Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund advent 
dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, 
not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suita- 
ble tew put enny, the f nst bizzness, ov enny consequence they 
do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain't long before the phool 
nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job. 

This iz the way the common ad venter iz made, and if he 
aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckula- 
shun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bot- 
tom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to be 
phooled. 

The lust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus 
dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew 
be a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew be 
ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank, 
and run it. 

I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this 
seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a 
haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he 
waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back road, az 
ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov medicin. 

I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily 
when he dont step on enny boddy but himself. 

Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, 
and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy them- 
selfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop. 

Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an 
end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett 
ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find,- and be the fust ones to 
say, that the figgures had lied. 

I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and 
make it a pint, that thare aint aMilleritenow living, nor ever 
agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in 
change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble 
price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott 
for the worlds destrukshun. 

Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar 
iz wuth the face ov it. 



422 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Oh ! impudence, whare iz thy sting ! Oh ! pholly, whare iz 
thy viktory ! 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 

Qu. — How fast will the " come-ing man " probably travel 1 

Ans. — It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, 
he'd better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a 
slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab 
family. 

Qu. — What are yure centiments in regard tew southern 
rekonstrukshun ? 

Ans. — In mi opinynn, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for 
the South, iz to be born agin. 

Qu. — What iz the most karniverous animal ? 

Ans. — Death. 

Qu. — What iz the eaziest thing tew digest? 

Ans. — A good joke. 

Qu. — Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine 
suckcessf ully ? 

Ans. — Whi not ! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket 
book. 

Qu. — Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule ? 

Ans. — Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and muske- 
toze. 

Qu. — Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the 
street fust, or last ? 

Ans. — I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin 
"will hav the last word. 

Qu. — Who are the only real temperance folks in the world ? 

Ans. — The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare. 

Qu. — Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the 
word Damn as a tonick ? 

Ans. — It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river 
that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that 
it wasn't worth a dam. 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 423 

Qu. — What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our 
country ? 

Ans. — The customs. 

Qu. — Dew you Deleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz 
hosts, being drank up by the Red see ? 

Ans. — I do ; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel 
tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city. 

Qu. — Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov 
the humin heart ? 

Ans. — The luv ov applauze ; it sticks tew evryboddy during 
life, and repeats itself on the tumestun. 

Qu. — If yu waz blest/ with a boy, which ov the lernt pro- 
feshions would yu dedikate him to \ 

Ans. — The shumakers. 

Qu.— Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life ? 

Ans. — Only one ; liv virtuously ; a good life, if ever so 
short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward 
into eternity. 

Qu. — Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man's 
life? 

Ans. — Immediately after he haz did a square thing. 

Qu. — Is whiskee a tonick ? 

Ans. — No, it iz an alterative ; it alters dollars into pence, 
and men into bruits. 

Qu. — Iz revenge a viktory ? 

Ans. — Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the 
wound heals enny quicker. 

Qu. — Don't you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings 
and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the 
scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what 
haz been written long ago bi the ancients ? 

Ans. — I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation ; 
thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when 
kaster ile waz fust invented. 

Qu. — What is the difference between a mistake and a 
blunder ? 

Ans. — When a man sets down a poor umbrella and! takes 



424r MISSELLANEOUS. 

up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a 
good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder. 

Qu. — If i couldn't hav but one thing, what dew yu think it 
would be ? 

Ans. — Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest. 

Qu. — Which do yu think iz the best representative man, 
the lively or the sorry Christian ? 

Ans. — Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge 
ov az pius heft, but i don't think the Lord ever takes the 
length of a man's face for a suit of heavenly clothes ; he 
measures the soul. 

Qu. — What iz the best cure for love ? 

Ans. — Tew liv on it. 

Qu. — What iz the best cure for pride \ 

Ans.— A fall on the ice before folks. 

Qu. — What iz a sik old bachelor like % 

Ans. — A cocoon. 

Qu. — What iz an excuse ? 

Ans. — The finesse ov reason. 

Qu. — What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long 
Branch ? 

Ans. — At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress ; at Long Branch 
it iz to undress and go in. 

Qu. — Where do the vain go tew when they die? 

Ans. — A barber's shop. 



LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. 

THEZE three places are wet spots. 
I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be 
mistaken about this. 

Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once 
tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun. 
I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but min- 
eral water amt mi fort. 



LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA AND LAKE GEORGE. 425 



I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt. 

I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water 
sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out 
thare. 

I laid down on mi flat stummuk, clnss tew the edge ov the 
water, and drank sum. 

But the folks that waz out in the water got onafrolik, and 
pushed the water 
into the shore so 
mutch that it went 
all over me. 

This waz looked 
upon az k u s s i d 
smart, and every 
boddy laffed. 

I did not see en- 
nj thing phunny in 
it, and so i didn't 
laff. 

The water at 
Long Branch iz 
verry plenty, and 
will last for menny 
years to cum, if 
they are saving ov 
it. They told me 
that the water at Long Branch waz good for the fidgit, and 
the conipshun. 

I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out 
ov it, i might worry down sum ov it. 

I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, 
who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn't hanker for it 
but once. 

I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday 
hiz text waz, " if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be 
psalted." 

While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than 




LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. 



426 MISSELLANEOUS. 

a millyun ov people cum and went, and i didn't hear one ov 
them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water. 

I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till 
i learn how tew like the water. 

While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, 
which iz handy to the water. 

This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and 
sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in 
front ov the middle ov the hotel. # 

The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and 
told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn't drink the 
water yet with mutch suckcess. 

His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all 
who are in search ov a landlord. 

I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and be- 
gun to drink. 

I don't think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long 
Branch. 

I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the 
water all the time. 

The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to. 

The water ain't so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long 
Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it. 

I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and 
noticed several people thare. 

This hotel iz kept by the Lelands, and iz kept just az i 
should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one. 

I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, 
and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz. 

The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phellows and 
they all told me they knew how to drink the water. 

I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, 
if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, 
until i learn how to finally drink the water. 

From Saratoga i went to Lake George. 

1 went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most de- 
litesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest. 



LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. 427 

One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the 
rode presented me with a pass to go and cum. 

I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the 
waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git 
less dust and more shade ; yu will find good stages, jolly driv- 
ers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pass for your- 
self and wife. 

I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and 
couldn't taste enny psalt in the water. 

I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste. 

I tried the water the next morning, and found them still 
unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left. 

The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz 
the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt 
psalt. 

He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me. 

1 left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water 
iz too fresh tew be proffitable. 

Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake 
George being so fine ; but i didn't go for scenery, i went for 
water. 

After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happi- 
ness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a 
leetle water-soaked. 

I shall start in a phew days for ITtaw, and shall spend the 
winter thare, and praktiss on the waters. 

I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall 
tew drink than enny others. 

I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study 
pollygamy. 

If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out 
the better. 

I forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga drink 9 
glasses ov mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a 
sailor — a regular old psalt. 

I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water than 
he could swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth. 

But thare iz excepshuns tew the general rule. 



428 MISSELLANEOUS. 

SUM VEGETABEL HISTOKY. 

THE strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets. 
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, 
and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price. 

The culler ov the straw T berry iz like the setting sun under 
a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it ; its 
fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins 
tew eat wintergreen lossingers ; its flavor is like the nektar 
which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom 
ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida. 

There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not 
a mean one in the whole lot. 

I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without 
enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy 
schoolboy, that eat dredf ul easy, without enny white sugar on 
them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the 
hurry of the moment. 

Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a 
marble, with a handle tew it. 

Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers 
into yure lips. 

Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with 
halfsweetened drink ; but the man who can eat strawberrys 
besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with 
sweet cream, (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz 
hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys 
and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience — a man 
whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don't 
care what goes down it. 



NEW ASHFOKD. 



The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov 
Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth 
rok. 



NEW ASHFORD. 429 

It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for 
pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it 
stands on tiptoze. 

It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum 
ov that party, and like all the Ku England towns, waz, at one 
time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent 
rum and tanzy. 

It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew 
hear me mix up rum and religion together, but ihad an Unkle, 
who preached God's word in the next town south ov New 
Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to 
heaven. 

This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three mag- 
nificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four. 

I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up 
hiz faith. 

But i wouldn't advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day 
tew meddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer. 

The tanzy iz all rite — it grows az green and az bitter az 
ever ; for man kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedevil- 
ed into rank pizon. 

One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz 
sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would dis- 
franchise a whole drove ov preachers now. 

In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could 
mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and 
could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all 
day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled 
pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking 
the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the 
middle ov the table. 

But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and 
tanzy. 

I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we 
aint pure enuff now tew stand them, neither are we tuff enufF. 

Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but 
they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred 
years ago. 



430 MISSELLANEOUS. 

We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer ; 
weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov 
simplicity may be a doubtful gain. 

I never hav met an old man yet, who didn't mourn the 
degeneracy ov the times. 

Wisdum don't konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in 
knowing less that iz false. 

But, dear Mr. — , i will now git back tew whare i am, 
and tell yu sumthin about New Ashford. 

If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me. 

Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes 
up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at 
it. 

I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, 
without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot 
slanting on the valley, and the litening play ed its mad pranks. 

How is this for hi ? 

But what a still place this New Ashford iz. 

At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece ; at 
sunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked ; and at 
twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov 
which seems sad and weary. 

This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so 
still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay's 
tail. 

Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks 
a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day 
i loiter. 

In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a 
short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a 
grub, or a worm. 

Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this 
little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az 
sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi 
baskit. 

This iz what i am here for ; trout for breakfast, trout for 
dinner and trout for supper. 



NEW ASHFORB. 



431 



I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer. 

I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy. 

I haven't read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn't read 
one for a dollar. 

I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak 
tew the senseless 
crash ov the city, 
with a tear in mi e} r e, 
and holes in both ov 
mi boots. 

This world iz phull 
ov fun, but most 
pholks look too hi 
for it. 

On one side ov 
this mountain they 
say thare iz rattle- 
snaix, on that side of 
the mo untain, iz 
whare i dont go. 

I am just az fraid 
ov a snaix as a wo- 
man iz, i had rather 
meet the devil, enny- 
time, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in 
the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me. 

I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then 
i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you. 

It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud ; a still noize 
iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez : 
u peace, he still" 

The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew 
go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this 
mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be. 

Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaught 
27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, 
a big daze work. 




4:32 MISSELLANEOUS. 

When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought 
them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it 
waz the tired that waz wuth the munny. 

Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired. 

Dear Mr. — , good-bye, it iz now 9 oclk, P. M., and every 
thing, in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, 
I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then 
I will go to bed too. 

Oh ! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, cluss bi the 
side ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every 
thing iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo 
couldn't liv long enuff tew take one bite, whare board iz only 
4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, 
P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing. 



BENDS. 

HISTORIANS and biographers having refused tew giv 
enny transparent account ov the various Bends that 
hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushnn 
tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them 
in a joyful and flexible manner. 

The most butiful, az well az truest bilt Bend, in this grate 
republick, iz the rainbow. 

For the inf ormashun ov the scholler we shall simply state 
that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reach- 
ed the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze 
parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and 
improved plan. 

Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral 
ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, 
in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly 
a President ov the grate republick ; and also south Bend, in 
the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, 
while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast 
for the Yice Presidency ov this grate republick with a cer- 
tainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold. 

(Later. — He haz won.) 



BENDS. 433 

Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate 
republick is the political Bend. 

This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8. 

It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her 
side, and be the same thing all the time. 

It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summer- 
sett over forwards. 

Mennv ov our most noble politicians hav bent theirselfs 
in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake. 

Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young 
men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the 
other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the 
elbo Bend, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, 
and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimo- 
ny reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the 
devil. 

In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which 
brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes 
him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel 
trap. 

This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never 
ought tew git chronick. 

This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows : — a house- 
hold, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom 
ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority 
without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without re- 
proach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew. 

In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 
19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders' 
the fop and the belle. 

This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the 
wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen tur- 
key making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain. 

I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the 
name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted 
tew sanktify it. 

I don't kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their 
28+ 



434: MISSELLANEOUS. 

travelling ; they are about played out, and may be hump- 
backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law- 
giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge 
in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it 
taken oph with a jack-plane. 

How long this knapsack gait will continnew tobefashiona- 
bel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz be- 
ing experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not 
long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity. 

I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bord- 
ering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, 
not more than haf? civilized, asked me the other day, on 
Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz 
forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch : 

"Nix for stix ! " and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss 
quick. 

I don't know ov but one thing- now that but few would 
hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and 
that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without 
enny Bend in it. 

Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living. 
What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend 
should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu 
crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself ! 
What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the 
market ! 

I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew 
natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the 
back ; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose great- 
est pleasure iz tew harm noboddy. 



KOLIDING. 

THE wurd " kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefi- 
nit meaning tew menny folks. 
Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew 



KOLIDLNG. 



435 



translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at 
onst. 

The term " kolide " is used tew explain the sarkumstanse 




TETV LATE FITR THE TRANE. 



ov 2 trains ov cars triihg tew pass each uther on a single 
trak. 

It is ced that it never yet haz bin did successfully, hence 
a " kolide." 

Josh Billings. 



AMEMKANS love caustick things ; they would prefer 
turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink 
either. 

So with their relish of humor ; they must hav it on the half- 
shell with cayenne. 

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint 
sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes 
it. 



436 MISSELLANEOUS. 

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do 
it quick. 

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but lie don't luv tew make a 
bizzness ov it ; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter. 

I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more 
humor. 

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and 
git the wit out ov it. 



HAVING herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the 
grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting 
tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, 
i bought a ticket and went within the fense. 

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 
akers ov artiiishall water, which waz owned bi a stock com- 
pany, and froze tew order. 

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery build- 
ings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kiv- 
vered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet. 

It waz a most exsiting scene : the sun waz in the skey — and 
the wind waz in the air — and the birds were in the South — 
and the snow waz on the ground — and the ice lay shivering 
with a bad kold — and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated 
past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good 
deal. 

It waz a most exsiting scene ; I wanted tew holler " Bully " 
or lay down and rool over. 

But i kept in, and aked with glory. 

Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. 

Az the f email angells put out ov the pond, side by side 
with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever 
stood behind. 

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, 
and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and 



LOST AND FOUND. 




^r^ 



Iz this the child you lost, mum ? " 




"Did you advertize fur a Newfoundland Dog\ mem?" (436) 



THE FALLEN ANGELL. 



437 



other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze. 

I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life — on 
ice. 

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement. 

I felt like a kanall Loss turned suddinly out to grass. 

I didn't kno how tew proceed. 

Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum 




flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl 
eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed ; she 



438 MI8SELLANE0US. 

seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, 
for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous 
swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went 
with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt 
and tapring ankle. 

Awl gathered around the bursted angell ; but lo ! in a min- 
nitt's space, her wings agin was plumed, and eviy feather 
waz in its lawful plase ;*and on she fled laffing like wine thru 
its buteous blushes. 

I had saw enuff — more happyness than belonged tew me — 
and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt 
— good. — 



WRITERS AT SHOET KA3TGE. 

DEAR Mr. : Your letter to me this morn- 
ing for more copy haz given birth to the follering home 
made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like 
miself, infest the virtewous press. 

It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, 
tew write a haff a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz 
an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav 
tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, it iz 
a good deal like lifting things that are tied down. 

In the first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be 
sharp on the withers, not tew long legged, kind in all harness, 
hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon. 

The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either origi- 
nal or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like 
a snake sunning himself in the sand. 

It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the 
debris ov abstrakted -thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored 
paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out 
an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote 
latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy's 
prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, 
and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket. 



WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE. 



4:39' 



Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or his ted, 
with a jerk ; comik essayers must ram pages into paragrafis ; 
wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop — thare is about 
as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the gin- 
ger. 

Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks ; evryboddy 
seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where 
the little joker cums in. 

A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a 
Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don't understand the 
language. 

I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, 
who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don't write 
sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short 
bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily 
so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy 
kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty. 

Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don't hitch tew menny 
ov them together ; but their only power iz the interpretashun 
ov ideas ; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the 
better the dose. 

Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don't make 
enny remarks, and no man needn't git mad at himself bekauze 
he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word. 

A comik essay er haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the 
monkey in him ; he must akt sensible things strangely ; it iz 
not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly 
answer tew be an artyfishall monkey ; the deviltry in a monkey 
iz natral — if it want, it wouldn't be funny, but ridikilous. 

Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eaziertewbe 
a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew 
giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault. 

If enny ov yiire readers, Dear Mr. — ■ , or enny 

ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav 
got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into 
the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, 
good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the frogs hind 



440 MISSELLANEOUS. 

legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don't find the 
silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they 
think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov 
brains or impudense, i don't know whitch. 

A man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and 
git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, 
it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers. 

I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will 
giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain't so sarching 
and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly 
advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what 
i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff 
trade theirself s, and giv us wit on the haff-shell, nitroglycerine 
humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at 
half cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff. 

I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, 
tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it 
now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the 
offer. 

I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write 
too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must 
be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at 
once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks. 



BEAU BENJSTETS SUPPLIKASHUN. 

KIND Fortune, teach tin servant humility, but let no 
sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are styl- 
ish. 

Giv unto me morality copious ; and may mi shirt kollars 
be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter. 

Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wis- 
dum be grate — even like unto Solaman's. 

Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, 
and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these num- 
ber 10 feet ov mine. 



BEAU BEN NET'S SUPPLIKASHUN. 



441 



Fill up mi kup tew the brim's verry top with honor and 
honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with 
sorrow and silent confushion. 

Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday 
panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob. 

Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain 
ostentashun, but 
grant that mi name 
aiming wimmin 
may ever be spo- 
ken in acksents of 
gladness. 

Make my heart 
tew glisten with 
charity, but teach 
mi taylor and shu- 
maker how tew 
wait for their mun- 
ny and be happy. 

Let mi heart feast 
on the truth, but 
smile thou upon 
mi kork leg and 
periwig nobby. 

Remove far from 
me all gl u 1 1 o n y, 

but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all 
its original buty. 

Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew ma r r y 
a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy. 

Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind For- 
tune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi 
gloves be exceeded. 

Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers 
tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and 
mi legs the speed ov the roebuck. 

Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep 
up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it. 




442 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea ! make me 
all dripping wet, but don't let me looze a good chance mi nu 
koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy. 

Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at 
church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent 
plaster. 

Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and 
korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on 
saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte 
ever buble and bile over with mersy. 

Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash 
tew twist into. such long draun out sweetness that all the peo- 
ple shall kail me " Yung Purity." 

Smile thou ! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers 
and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and 
shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and 
kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins. 

Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo's with munny, all moth- 
ers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches lay- 
ing around loose, but chiefly giv me a consilience full ov 
aroma. . . •' 

Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but 
should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow be- 
kuming. 

Listen ! dear Fortune, listen ! — giv me the style ov heart 
breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, 
and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi 
buzzum. 

I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a 
lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered — farewell for the 
present — don't go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful ! ! 



A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. 

YU are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, 
and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, 
for the last time tew. 



A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. 



US 



It ishily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum 
kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other 
wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifika- 
shun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for. 

Xow Skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from 
tliissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov 



J W.! ! ll Hl .^-| 1 >V 1 i> l ! , .'''.l| ! ill I'l'il, \W'^;i r ;'^y\i , 




his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor 
sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. 

Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy ; 
yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. 

Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the 
above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it 
iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov 
them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. 

Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu 



444 MISSELLANEOUS. 

hav a kail, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at 
auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and 
both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the 
bronkeetis. 

The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings 
and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as 
rekomended above, and tuk akount ovyure liabilitys, and kno 
tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran sur- 
geon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kal- 
amil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin. 

Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly 
between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil ; if yu 
find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at 
onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up 
yure cue, naturally & akordinly. 

Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial 
notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik ; but if yu find 
yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth 
& the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the 
kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure 
kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams. 

Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a 
pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. 

If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste 
intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys 
on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounter- 
fit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell 
yure prinsiples tew git even ; if yu kant go this, and tend awl 
the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, " What 
an ornyment to sosiety he iz !" i sa, if yu kant go all this with- 
out blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain 
an honest living bi cheatin on the square. 

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feel- 
ing towards yu bi the author, and if yu f oiler the direckshuns 
laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, 
in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the gove- 
nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpen- 
ter and jiner. 



FEMALE REMARKS. 445 

FEMALE REMARKS. 

DEAR Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband ? 
This is a pumper, and yu are not required tew say " Yes " 
out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto 
the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the 
interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz 
eating an oyster, juice and all, off* from the half shell. 

Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn 
in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu 
are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost 
yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching 
when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. 
Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot 
yure fewter hussband : 

1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which 
yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are mar- 
ried tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu 
mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into 
indifference. J ellousy isn't a heart-diseaze ; it is a liver-kom- 
plaint. 

2. A mustash is not indispensible ; it iz only a little more 
hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences — 
often duz the best on sile that won't raize ennything else. 
Don't forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow 
before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a huss- 
band after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after 
a long time. 

3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, 
two-thirds ov them would probably be returned ; but thare 
don't seem tew be enny law for this. Tharef ore, girls, yu will 
see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even 
if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold 
vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during 
courting season, and if he s wallers them well, and sez he will 
take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums, 
will wash well. 



446 MISSELLANEOUS. 

4. Don't many a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz 
mother duz tilings. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz 
tew wean a yung one. 

5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and 
kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a 
back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i 
say, skip him ; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett 
him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got 
tew do it yureself . A man whoze whole heft lies in musick 
(and not very hefty at that), ain't no better for a husband 
than a seedlitz.powder ; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing 
sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. 
But don't marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker 
than yu would flop a man for jist one fault. 

6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be 
an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and 
made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old 
maids jist az they do upon dried harbs — in the garret, handy 
for sickness — and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu 
should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true 
phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one ; but don't 
swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father 
iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and 
then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. 
No woman ever made this trade who didn't git either a 
phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband. 

7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging 
grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform 
yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz 
more ov them. 

I don't think yu will f oiler mi advise, if i giv it ; and, 
tharefore, i will keep it ; for i look upon advise as i do upon 
castor ile — a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take. 

But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find 
a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon 
poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth — who had 
rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue 



PEIVATE OPINYUNS. 447 

hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in 
debt for hiz dinner and toothpick — one who iz armed with 
that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi 
advise is tew take him boddy and soul — snare him at oust, 
for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our- waters. 

Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a 
tree. 



PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 



MI private opinyun iz — that politeness iz about the only 
profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking 
into. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that the man who cheats me, iz a 
good deal mi inferior. 

Mi private opinyun of Fame iz — that it konsists in being 
praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly 
when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, 
iz tew make him respektably forgotten. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, 
all the wuss for being cracked. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that manufaktring phun for other 
pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy 
bizzness. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that originality in writing waz 
played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, 
iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a 
man. - 

Mi private opinyun iz — that the most that learning kan do 
for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno. 

Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz — that it alwus ends in 
luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The bar- 
barians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredf ul sorry 
for this, but i kant help it. 

Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz — that they are moraly 
hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too. 



4:48 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



Mi private opinyun iz — that when a man haint got enny 
thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it. 

My private opinyun iz — that sum men did aktually spring 
from the monkey, and didn't hav fur tew spring neither. 

Mi private opinyun ov Bum iz — that the man who sells it 
to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman — the hiwayman 

demands yure mun- 
ny or yure life — the 
rumseller demands 
both. 

Mi private opin- 
yun ov " Wimmin's 
Bites" iz — that na- 
tur haz fi x t them 
jist about rite, and 
natur never under- 
lets a kontrakt, nor 
baks out ov a posi- 
shun. 

Mi private opin- 
yun iz — that humor- 
ous lektures kan nev- 
er be a suckcess, for 
two reasons — one iz, 
bekauzemost people 
look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to 
them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the Atlantik 
Monthly sez so. 

My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz — that it iz 
like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the 
kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer 
walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the 
inside. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that virtew iz better than gold, but 
i also hav bin told than 10 dollars in gold will go farther 
towards bilding a church, or a boss ralerode, than all the 
piety ov Moses. 




PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 449 

Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz — that it is like a 
setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as 
whare thare iz. 

Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz — that without enny experi- 
ence at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the 
man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to- 
morrow. 

Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz — that az a rekreashun, 
it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizz- 
ness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that the man who mistakes a surly 
temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who 
got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his 
next one. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that a young man oftner neglekts 
hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that adversity and temtashun are 
the very best kind ov tests ov virtew. 

Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz — that the gimblet kind 
iz the most sarching. 

Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz — that it iz like 
Joner's gourd, it often, looses in a nite all that it gru in a 
day. 

Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav 
sarched iz — from fair to midling. 

Mi private opinyun ova braggart iz — that he iz a sheep in 
wolfs clothing. 

Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest 
anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted. 

My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed 
in dieing an old maid, they don't deserve all the punishment 
they receive. 

Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, 
and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don't kno it. 

Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum 
stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ocka- 
shun. 

29$ 



450 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Mi private opinyun ov boys iz, if i hadn't been one once 
miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the 
whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay. 

Mi private opinynn ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years 
ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them. 

Mi private opinynn ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they 
hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in their 
beds, and i ain't sorry for it neither. 

Mi private opinynn iz, that politeness haz won more sudden 
viktorys than logick haz. 

Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful 
sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too. 

Mi private opinynn ov dogs iz, tbat their affeckshun ought 
almost tew make them immortal. 

Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot onght 
tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too. 

My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known 
tew hit enny thing he kouldn't reach, but iz alwus reddy tew 
try it. 

Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both 
eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on 
me. 

My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, 
and i am a big phool if i don't halt. 

A SUGGESTSHIIN-. 

The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan 
az dew iz to the grass. 

Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are use- 
ful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink. 

An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not 
more than half edukated for that day ; he goes tew biz bizz- 
ness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself ; he iz 
afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az 
a man in a strange land who don't understand the language. 

Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, 
and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious 
tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing. 



ON COURTING. 451 

There iz lots ov pliolks who git all their laming out ov the 
morning papers, and when they hav 2 coll inns ov it laid in 
they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary 
ov a sowing sosiety. 

They go round az glib az a boy's windmill in a good 
breeze ; they ain't afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk 
incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz 
shuze. 

The man who hain't red the morning paper, ana the man 
who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one 
who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and 
the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz 
got two. 

I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew 
go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the moun- 
tain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, 
and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old boss out 
tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him. 

This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew f orgit 
life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a 
mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns 
in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so. 

But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning 
paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin 
the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old 
toper. 



ON COURTING. 

COURTING is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a 
beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. 
The man who has never courted haz lived in vain ; he haz 
bin a blind man amung landskapes and w r aterskapes ; he has 
bin a defF man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov 
murmuring canals. 



452 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out 
from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down 
. the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each 
uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under 
bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby 
tha jine and then tha go slow. 

I am in faver ov long courting ; it gives the parties a chance 
to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise, and 
is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs. 

Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did 
slow, then yu git the flaver. 

Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when 
i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. 

If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square 
if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan 
git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. 

Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things 
are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, 
liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit. 

Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue 
and bissness thare is in her ; court her for a wife and for a 
mother, court her as yu wud court a farm — for the strength 
ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title ; court her as tho 
she want a fule, and yu a nuther ; court her in the kitchen, in 
the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this 
wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't 
git a good hustband, the fait won't be in the courting. 

Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant 
make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu 
how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent. 



LATEST NUZEPAPEK TATLIJN T GS. 

EBEIS^EZEK SMITH haz sold out hiz tannreyat Pordunk 
hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew. 
The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be 



LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLLNGS. 



453 



brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant 
Dennis O'Tool. 

Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, 
and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at 
the base, and 94 feet hi. He also brought back with him a 
pair ov web footed duks. 

The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the 
Miss S i n b a d s, ov 



Lexington avenew — 
lovely creatures all 
ov them. 

Mocking b i r d s' 
tounges on toast will 
be on the bills ov 
fare, this summer, at 
the Kontinental Ho- 
tel, Long Branch. 

The Eev. Namby 
Pamby asked for a 
4 thousand dollar 
hoist in his salary, 
or dismissal. The 
congregashnn voted 
unanimus to let him 
went. (Bully for the 
kongregashun.) 

Mrs. Ulrich ETkodemus haz changed the hour ov her re- 
sepshuns from haff past 2 o'klok P. M., on "Wensdays, to a 
quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Ex- 
change papers will pleaze coppy. 

Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last 
week, tew Pichards, the. jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dol- 
lars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mutch ov 
a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its 
center. 

It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello 
will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dau- 




454 MISSELLANEOUS. 

ter, Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron 
Yon Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this 
account. 

Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton 
for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver 
ov the 23 street line ov stages. 

Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Pan- 
za breed, and offers 40 dollars " for hiz-uncerimonious return." 
(" Uncerimonious return" iz kussid good.) 

Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, iz 
being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu 
Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers 
ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tan- 
zy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be 
looked for. 

Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe 
ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit 
apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the 
occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when 
deth put an end tew hiz sufferings, 

Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not 
affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 
dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy 
sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.) 

Gr. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for 
Josh Billings, entitled " Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen 
Consolashun." (This iz a kussid no sich thing. — J. B.) 

The cirkulashun ov the New York Weekly haz allready 
reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same 
old tune, " Excelsior." 

The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov "snob place" will hav a 
klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, 
" Goose Nook" to whitch the Yan Doodles are invited. 
(Doubtful.) 

Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a 
sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately follow- 
ed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 



LATEST ISUZEPAPER TATLING. 455 

seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best 
mile made vet by enny sucker. 

Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee 
Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, 
nee Miss Angeline Spraker — 5 times a widder, will soon lead 
tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.) 

On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel 
bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 
years engagement. 

On ditto, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a fail- 
ure, and that starvashun must foller. 

On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend 
sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel. 

New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union. 

It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one 
injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss 
on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thou- 
sand dollars ; but, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. 
(Let the good work go on.) 

Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. 
The nu color iz chestnut sorrel — the old color waz dapple 
grey. 

We are authorized tew state that Mrs. Alanthus haz just 
returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having 
resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy 
tew receive proposals. 

A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates " that thare 
haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood." 

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. 
and Mrs. Jibboom ; their respektibility iz now fully establish- 
ed, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse car- 
riage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and 
sum yeller brass buttons. 

The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured 
eyes. 

Matilda O'Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karac- 
ter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street. 



456 MISSELLANEOUS, 

No objeck shuns tew going into the country for the sum- 
mer az company un tew a lady, provided suitable references 
are given ! Lessons on the pianno w T ill be accepted insted 
ov the usual presents expekted from the family. 

Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan 
hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergur- 
son. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had 
waccinashun. 



JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. 

THE velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, 
placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the 
other wheel behind the fust one. 

They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from 
east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick 
oshun. 

They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun. 

They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and 
in fifty years from now, w r ill be the only means of lokomoshun, 
known to man. 

The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle 
the question, in what manner they shall occupy them. 

Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy 
both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall 
remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt 
custom ov occupying the noble animal, the hoss. 

It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the 
" wimmins' right committee," and that nothing, ov a one 
sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from fill- 
ing her destiny. 

I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair com- 
petishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az med- 
isin, and may the best man win. 

It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see 



JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. 457 

the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance 
ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, 
nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it — if 
we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov 
us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things. 

I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the volosipead, 
and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk. 

The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory 
gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov 
attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its 
proper and natural revolushun. 

Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than 
this law in science ; the philosophers are az well acquainted 
with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps 
better. 

There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am 
looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand 
still till you mount them. 

Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into 
ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one 
of them standing still. 

I hav seen the. nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted 
to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and 
kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz 
stole from the hoss without giving him credit for it. 

If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosi- 
pead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, 
and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs 
up his masheen. 

I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could 
be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, 
for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a 
means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poe- 
try all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov useful- 
ness. 

If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set 
it to work at sumthing useful, it bekuins inelegant to onst. 



458 MISSELLANEOUS. 

The moshim ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov 
the leggs — or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the 
word leggs iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who 
ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the 
sosiety ov refined people. 

This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who 
understands that " velosipeads " iz manufakterd out ov two 
forrin words, " veloss" and u pedoss" which vulgarily means 
u lively leggs" but politely means, "pedal swiftness." 

If a man don't understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly 
enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier. 

The velosipead iz not a modern discovery ; long before the 
days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use. 

The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and 
history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto 
the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian 
country. 

I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze 
had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were pro- 
pelled by a shove moshun, 

Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are 
called " wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that. 

This is all i kno now about the velosipeads. 



THE EASE KOAESE. 



GEATE rase ! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, 
April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, 
free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses ! 

Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, 
at " Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss 
trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov 
the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the 
breeding ov good hosses. 

I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and 
well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannery s. 



THE RASE KOARSE. 



459 



The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 
3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl 
condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. 

I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religns 
views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarvs 
abreast. 

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark 
in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot 
in. 

I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for 
" The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the pop- 




JOHN BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO THE RACES. 

lashnn ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn't, 
but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, 
on the top ov a hemlock stnmp, that grew in front ov the tav- 
ern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole 
ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew 
onst. 

Having asked sum uther inquiry s, ov a mexed natur, i san- 
tered down tu where the rase koarse waz. 



460 MISSELLANEOUS. 

THE TRACK. 

I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and 
ova sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one 
side, and a brush fense on tutker, and in jist about 3 minnet 
condishun. 

The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides 
bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the 
cart. 

THE HOSSES. 

"Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and 
laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught 
ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago. 

Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside 
ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. 

I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick panty- 
loons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree 
was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, 
ced, " she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minis- 
ter," and then tha both laffed. 

I found out bi inquiring that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." 

The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, 
with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his 
trotting so fast, in a windy day ; i shud think he waz about 
5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. 

Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite 
name waz " Juise Harp." 

FUST HEAT. 

The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate 
visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. 

The gra mare waz druv bi " Dave Larkin," and the hoss 
was handled bi " Ligh Turner." 

Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins ; the 
mare with her hed hi up and her noze full ov winde ; the hoss 
waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line ; tha passed the haf 
mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits. 

Now the kontest becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and 



THE RASE KOARSE. 461 

" Ligh " yelled — on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the 
hoss gru longer — tha make the last turn tew onst — tha look 
like a dubble team — the exsitement grows more intensely — 
the crowd sways to and fro — the ox cart trembles — tha cum ! 
tha cum ! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chaw- 
ing terbacker, waz never herd before ; the mare iz ahed ! — 
no, the hoss iz ahed ! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox- 
kart — the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits 
lacking 2 seckunds. 

REMARKS. 

The hosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and 
children. 

Each party are sanguinary ov suckces. 

The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red 
hoss. 

At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young 
man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the 
mare wud win the nex heat ; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, 
and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and 
sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, 
that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse. 

SECKUND HEAT. 

The hosses both sho signs ov distress. 

The gra mare's ears hang down the side ov her hed, like 
two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground. 

Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin 
tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. 

Awa tha go ; the hoss a leetle ahed. 

The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. 

On the bak stretch, " Dave " went at the mare with hiz 
long purswader ; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss ! 
no ! she busts ! she busts ! and befour " Dave " cud flatten her 
down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean 
up tew her hips in the krambery mash. 

The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, 
that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground, 



462 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits, " Juise Harp " 
winning, bi a quarter ov a mile. 

Thus ended the grate rase at " Sulphur Flats." 
I immediately started on foot for " Jamaka Hum four 
corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and 
even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov bosses must begin 
tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais. 



BILLINGS LEXICON. 



BLUSH — The cream ov modesty. 
Ginger-pop — Gimnastik water. 

Man — Live dirt. 

Friends — Books, paintings, and stuft birds. 

Bashfullnes — Ignorance afraid. 

Conservatism — A bag with a hole to it. 

Radicalism — A hole with a bag to it. 

Aristocrat — A demokrat with hiz pockets filled. 

Politicks — -The apology ov plunder. 

Tin watch — Faith without works. 

Mule — A bad pun on a horce. 

Patience — Faith waiting for a nibble. 

Sparking — Picking buds oph from the bush. 

Malice — A blind mule kicking by guess. 

Eternal — God's epitaff. 

Care — Cat pizen. 

Faith — The soul riding anchor. 

Bliss — Happiness bileing over and running down both 
sides ov the pot. 

Marriage — An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook and 
woman her luv letters. 

Quack — A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill 

Hash — A boarding-hous confidence game. 

Fuss — An old hen with one chicken. 

Twins — 2 mutch. 



BILLINGS LEXICON. 463 

Boarding-School — A place whare wry coffee and flirtashun 
iz taught. 

Experiment — Energy out ov a job. 

Perfection — God in man. 

Virtue— That ingredient whitch needs no foil, and without 
whitch nothing else iz valuabel. 

Solitude — A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew 
stay. 

Sloth — Life in a tomb. 

Health — A call loan. 

Memory — The shadow that the soul casts. 

Politeness — Sixty day paper. 

Poverty — The only birthright that a man kant lose. 

Accidents — The dismay ov phools, the wize man's barome- 
ter. 

Ease — Discounted time. 

Wealth — Baggage at the risk ov the owner. 

Trials — "W het stuns. 

Fortune — The aggregate ov possibilitys ; a goddess whom 
cowards count by stealth, but whom brave men take by 
storm. 

Economy — A fust mortgage on wealth. 

Enough — Jist a leetle more. 

Dignity — "Wisdum in tights. 

Mischief — The maliss ov fun. 

Cook — One who manufakters appetights. 

Diseases — The whipping posts and branding irons ov lux- 
ury. 

Drunkenness — Shame lost and shame found- 
Cowardice — Pluck on ice. 

Glutton — A man with a drunken appetight. 

Examples — Foot prints in the wilderness. 

Nunnery — Piety in chains. 

Ignorance — Raw happiness. 

Sin— A natral distemper, for which virtew hazbin discover- 
ed to be an antidote. 

Friendship — One ov love's pimps. 



464 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Envy — A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brother 
Abel afterward caught, and died suddenly ov. 

Belle — A female boss ov the situation. 

Fancy — The flirtashun ov truth. 

Sarcasm — An undertaker in tears. 

Sulks — Deff and dum madness. 

Courting — A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game. 

Fiction — A lie with holiday clothes on. 

Hen — A lay member. 

Law — The shackels ov liberty. 

Science — The literature ov truth. 

Deceit — A ded wasp with a live tail. 

Babys — Dividend. 

Miser — A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away 
hiz munny in. 

Misfortunes — A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they 
kan steal. 

Spirituolist — A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on 
Ben Franklin & Co. 

Inheritance — Second-hand goods, other people's leavings. 

Ironclads — Vessels ov wrath. 

Grave Yard — A small patch ov land, cultivated by the 
dead, lieing between time and eternity. 

Lap Dogs — A nucleus for affeckshun out ov a job. 

Society — Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacred- 
ly watching over the ashes. 

Jealousy — Self love. 

Stingyness — The bran ov economy. 

Buck Saw — An instrument ov torture. 

Bragadocio — One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze. 

Anxiety — Milking a kicking heifer with one hand, and 
holding her by the tail with the other. 

Swearing — The metalic currency ov loafers. 

Judicious Benevolence — The brains ov the heart. 

Blue Jay — The fop ov the forest. 

Policy — " Honesty iz the best policy," but policy iz not 
alwus the best honesty. 



OWLY. 465 

Bachelor — The hero ov a cot bedstead. 
Club Houses — Whare the hen-pecked go tew sware, and 
smooth out their feathers. 
Lie — The cowardice ov truth. 
Skunk — An athietick animal, stronger than an elephant. 



OWLY. 

HERE we have a batch of immaculate truths from the 
" Owl Club." 

After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and 
approved, each " Owl," as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook 
out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President 
leading off as usual. 

" 1 never can hear of a man's gitting his head broke," said 
the President, " but 1 call to mind the wonderful accident that 
occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago. 

" A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full 
speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a pot- 
ash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down 
to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a 
pair ov epaulettes. 

" This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skill- 
ful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the 
strength of this accident." 

" A very good story, and undoubtedly true," said the Yiee- 
President " Owl," " but I don't think it quite so miraculous 
as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a 
clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely 
through. 

" His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hur- 
ricane. 

" As she was passing batches, on a down trip, she blew up, 
and filled the air with every kind of fragments. 

" Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and 

30$ 



466 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



there being a strong wind at the time, he was carried over 
onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a 
jewelry store. 

" After passing down through three stories of the building, 
he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the con- 

S PI NN IN C cern ' w * 10 demanded 

- pyyjp five hundred dollars 
for the damages done 
to his building. 

" ' I can't pay so 
much money,' said 
Joe, ' but i will give 
you two hundred 
and fifty, and I have 
often settled for this 
price before.'' " 

"Bully for Joe 
French," said one of 
the "Owls." "But 
let me tell you a 
little story about an 
attorney by the 
name of G e r s h' 
Buckley, who prac- 
ticed law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago. 

" Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and 
in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney 
with taking less than the customary fees. 

" Gersh plead quietly to the charge. i But, gentlemen,' 
said he, ' / done all in my power to sustain the honor of the 
profession, I took all the money the man had.' 9 " 

At this point, one of the " Owls," more noted for his gravi- 
ty than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be 
heard, as follows : 

" Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance 
which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. 
I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, haying 




OWLY. 467 

taken passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Birch. 

ki Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis 
Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin 
and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were 
quickly side by side in a close-contested race. 

" Suddenly word was passed along the boat, < Man over- 
board !' 

"The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man 
had paid his passage. 

" ' Yes !' shouted the clerk. 

" ' Then go ahead on her, engineer !' was the captain's or- 
der." 

" Owl " number five plumed his feathers and opened his 
short but silvery -toned beak, as follows : 

" Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown 
from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretch- 
er near the judges' stand many wagers were made among the 
sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery. 

" A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the 
gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously affect 
the fairness of the oetsP 

" I don't believe that story," said " Owl " Number Six ; 
" but here is one which has been in our family for over forty 
years, and we all know it to be true : 

" An old gentleman — who, by the way, was almost entire- 
ly deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claim- 
ing certain damages. The case was one which the justice 
thought ought not to go to a jury, but should be settled be- 
tween the parties. He therefore instructed the attorney to 
ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit. 
The lawyer, putting his month near the deaf man's ear, said, 
in a loud tone : 

" ' The court wants to know what you will take.' 

" Turning his eye blandly toward the judge's bench, the 
old gentleman replied : 

" < Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle 
Santy Cruise rum without sugar.' " 



4:68 MISSELLANEOUS. 

" Owl " Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got off 
the following : 

" Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish 
net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words 
was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents com- 
ing upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent : 

" ' Old man, don't let him git the start of you — call him a 
thief and a liarjlrst. ' " 

" That puts me in mind," said the next " Owl" of a story, 
not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we 
have just listened to. 

" Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed 
gardening for a living, had been to the neighboring town to 
do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with 
him, both ov them got unco tight. 

" On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, 
as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed un- 
till the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to 
search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud 
of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to the rising 
tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her 
lips. ' Not another drop, hot, nor cold ; not another drop, 
will I take? " Owlet.* 



POKDUNK TILLAGE. 



STKANGEK ! hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my 
natiff place ? 
It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two 
small mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania. 

It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose 
crik, whitch meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy 
az a skool boy, on hiz way tew the distrikt skool hous. 

I waz born here, and the ground on whitch the old hous 
stood, iz thare yet. Mi ancesters are all here too, but they 



PORDUNK VILLAGE. 



469 



hav retired from bizzness, and are taking their eaze, in the 
old grave, yard ov the little one story church. 

The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfolks 
gathered in, on Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and 
brag on their bush beans, and other gardin sass, iz gone, and 
departed. 

And Roger Williams, where iz he ? 

Roger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the 
parson, on a bit ov 
skripture, hiz anvil 
iz still, and he now 
livs in his new house, 
with the rest of the 
old people, just back 
ov the little one story 
church. 

Whare iz Square 
Watkins, the justiss 
of the peace ? he knu 
law, and the stattews, 
just az eazy az he did 
the 10 commands, hiz 
little old offiss, for 50 
years unpainted, iz 
now no more. 

No one ov hiz name 
iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by side, just 
back ov the little one story church, az still az deth kan make 
them. 

Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don't see her! Poor 
Sue, she waz not alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, 
a night's lodgeing no one refused, she was even butiful still, 
when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from the flash ov her misteri- 
ous eye. 

The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often 
told, and so soon forgotten, a mans perfidy. 

Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farther korner, just 




470 MISSELLANEOUS. 

bak ov the little one story church, whare the ded lay the 
thikest, lays Sue. 

A weep in willow, sown bi aksident, hangs over her grave, 
and on her hed stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi 
time, kan be made out, " Sue Dunham, aged 59." 

Parson Powell, who led hiz ilok bi the side ov still waters 
who wet with hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in 
wedlok, and who asked God to take the departing ones, I 
miss him too ; peacefully he sleeps, just bak ov the little one 
story church. 

Deakon Tucker, who sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis 
bi the pint, who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept 
raizen and razor straps, who could mezzure a yard ov kotton, 
ov kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th ov Julys, sold 3 lire 
krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, what haz bekum ov the 
deakon ? 

Years ago, he fled, not far away, but cluss up tew the back 
wall ov the little one story church, near to Parson Powell. 

An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham, and withal az keen at 
a trade az a hornet, Them that swopped hosses with Ez 
once, didn't hanker tew do it again, he waz honest, but oh ! 
how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the whole village re- 
member him, he haz gone whare they don't giv, nor git boot, 
they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story 
church. 

Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job's wife, and all ov 
Job's sons, and dauters. 

I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, 
the people all stare at me, az i stop here and stop thare, to 
say tew miself, " here it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave 
Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle on the village green, and 
thare stood the old town pump." 

" Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a 
shave, and thare, Burbanks haff soled boots for a quarter," 

" Here — let me see ! was it here % Yes Old Mother Benne- 
way sold taffy here, each stick at least 8 inches long, and 
made out of Deakon Tuckers best Porto Pico molassis." 



PORDUNK VILLAGE. 471 

" Thare stood the little red skool hous, right thare, it waz 
the forks ov a road then, it is the korner of a block now. 

" Who kan tell me whare Daniel Purdy the skool master 
lives now, no one ! I hav asked a dozen, but no one remem- 
ber Daniel Purdy. 

" It iz a sad thing tew be a skoolraaster, no one ever seems 
tew kno whare they go when yu miss them. They just seem 
to depart that's all. I never knu one tew die, and be buried." 
Ah, it iz pleasant ! — it is sad, to go bak tew the village of 
Pordunk, thare is more people now thare, than there waz 
when i waz a boy, but how different are they, — or how dif- 
ferent am I. 

The old trees are the same, man kant alter them, goose 
krik runs jist whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, 
the mountains each side haven't grown enny smaller, the 
birds sing the same songs, but i don't kno enny one that i 
meet, and what is more lonesome, no one that i meet knows 
me. 

"When i go tew Pordunk, and want tew see enny boddy 
that I remember, i go down the main street to the fust kor- 
ner, just whare Joel Parker once lived, then i turn tew the 
left, and keep on for a ways, till i cum tew the little one 
story church. 

Just bak ov that they are all living now. They don't 
remember me when i go thare, but I remember them. It 
won't be very long now before I shall jine them. 



4 LETTEES. 

Mister Brown. — In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter 
thusly : 

Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between 
the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. 
The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of 
its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav list- 
ened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and 
wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi 
soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female 
bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite 
bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik 
or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled 
bi the yung and impashioned bull frog. 

If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, 
issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every 
bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik. 

Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the 
pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov 
the trombone, or the pig like laifing ov the fife, or the jigger 
ov the banjo and the bones. 

I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, 
and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to 
the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig 
tree, tickling the buzzorn ov a Jews harp. 

If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont 
kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin, 

472 




Ux 1/5 hkve 

PEACE 




rfoYa-fsKr-Co, MK X~ I f JL 



4 LETTERS. 



473 



Mister Bates. — The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted 
cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch 
them the of tenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint al- 
ways a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew 
them tew bight oph 
their tail, just outside 
ov the jaws ov the 
trap, and thus save 
their rat meat. 

Bob tailed rats hav 
ceased tew be a curi- 
osity to me long ago. 

Once i should hav 
looked upon a bob- 
tailed rat with mingled 
pheelings ov pitty, 
and suprise, but them 
daze hav fled from 
me, i look upon a bob- 
tailed rat now, as a 
cluss bizzness tran- 
sackshun. 

Rats are one ov the 4 letters 

far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, 
and i wouldn't if i waz they. 

Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i 
lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov 
night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing 
holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wainscote. 

Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep 
a phamily in rats for years. 

Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but 
what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up. 

Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am 
told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China. 

I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav al- 
wus accustomed miself to plain vittles. 




474 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Mister Barnes. — Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles. 

Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than al- 
most enny other breed ov food. 

For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & 
eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap 
jacks, 2 cups of cofiy, and sum hash iz good. 

I like to eat hash this way better than enny other. 

Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash. 

If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 
20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash. 

I hav seen hash miself , that i had mi doubts about, but i et 
it, and still liv. 

I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi ride, i watch the 
landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate. 

This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses 
which I attend. 

If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, 
and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and 
now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half 
worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the 
head of all mux food. 

Mister Bartlett. — Ov all the animals who waz brought 
akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver 
ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most 
respektable. 

A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family. 

I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a 
brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk 
that aint watered. 

It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint 
watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about 
this. 

It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, 
but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out. 

Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch. 

The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and 
they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine 
running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started. 



JOSH SETTLES UP. 475 

They are a little balky about starting. 

I Lav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night, 
besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way. 

Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, 
and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain 
in the hebdominal region. 

A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember 
ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it readies perf ektshun. 

Mister Boggs. — Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov 
yure dog, reached me by yesterday's male. 

I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been 
deprived ov a dog once miself . 

I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March 
three years ago. 

I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house. 

He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else. 

He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown off 
from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold. 

He waz a bul pup, but iz no more. 

Tiger waz hiz fust name. 

I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog. 

Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to 
leak. 

Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch 
watching, to be invested in dorgs. 



JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS COKKESPONDENTS 
SUMMAKILY. 

"Philander." — If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep 
yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mort- 
gage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose. 

"Plato" — Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that 
i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man's 
moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, 
for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got 
the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the 
least ov. 



47G ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

" Pindar." — The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, 
and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. 
The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next 
strongest iz 10 per cent, for the use ov it. 

" Phillip." — If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer, — 
the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard 
knocks. 

" Pan." — Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men 
who hunt for it the most find it the least. 

" Powell." — Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but 
it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels. 

" Postboy." — Marrying for munny, iz much like falling 
out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good 
strike, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again. 

" Peacock." — Yu will find in yure journey through this 
vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul 
with anguish, and dissapointments bitter : — thare iz one 
thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buz- 
zum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz — hiz mustash. 

" Pilot." — A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and 
not be verry wize, after awl ; jist az he may hav a heap ov 
strength, and not know the best holts. 

" Pilgarlick." — Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony 
sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way : 

Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about $>ne feet 
in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel) ; skin the eel length- 
ways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized 
gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool ; seazon with 
Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch 
grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade 
marks ; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into 
right lengths, and sold for police clubs. 

This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold 
medal at the Paris imposition. 

" Pharaoh." — It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work 
harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy. 

" Pedro" — Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him 



A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 477 

over cluss, but don't examin him much afterward, for fear 
vu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This 
iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife. 

" Pontoon" — The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git 
the tail the right heft ; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what 
haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites. 

" Palmer P — Early impreshions are like the dews on the 
young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made 
of. 

u PinehbacJc." — Don't beleave more than half that yu 
hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster 
with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy 
waggon. 

" Palmer" — In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i 
am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i 
waz born in the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, 
am long, but crooked, don't beleaf in speerits (not even Ja- 
maka speerits ;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and 
hav every reazon to beleave that I am now ; hav never raized 
enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew 
git out ov repair ; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children ; 
hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with 
a yung feller ; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind ; i wear 
a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots ; hav a sangunary 
temperament, and a billyus noze ; eat az other folks do, except 
roasted gooze ; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I 
kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are 
goose ; I work for mi bread and roast goose ; hav a grey eye, 
and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog — this iz me. 
I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian 
Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job. 



A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 



D 



EAR Beigham : — 

Excuse this peripatetick letter. 
I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, 



478 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want 
harnessed young eimff tew be kind in all harness. 

If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind 
ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn't seem 
tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, 
and who couldn't tell whare he waz last night till haff past 

two this Morning, and 
who couldn't recognize 
hiz own washer-woman, 
and who wanted tew go 
into bizzness fur him- 
self, at 16 years old, 
with a kapital ov two 
bottles ov Phalon's ex- 
trakt, and a must ash, 
that resembled the mold 
on a pound ov lime- 
berger cheese, I would 
say confidenshally tu 
him : 

" Son, i hav ben tew 
blame thus far in frame- 
ing yure timber, but yu 
kan bet them pattent 
leather boots yu hav got 
on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter 
yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and 
sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and 
underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch, 
and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will 
not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew 
market." 

This iz the way i would converse with the young . Billings, 
and if he didn't begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov 
hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt 
yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun 
iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, 
and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz. 




DIDN'T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN. 



A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 479 

It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if 
Bum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob 
in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched 
out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew 
foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny 
compass. 

This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, 
haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, 
before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, 
and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on 
a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger 
daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs. 

I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov 
a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew 
jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler 
" amen " before the prayer iz haff through ; but i feel it my 
duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their lite- 
ning. 

I don't want enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded hed ; a 
skim-milk cheeze ; a colporter of water gruel ; a putty babe- 
ling ; a kurl-papered nussery doll ; an apron-tied anatomy 
blonde ; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, 
and satisfied with a kitten. 

I ain't voting for this breed ov boys ; i only ask the virgin- 
ity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences 
ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz 
given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss ; not tew lead, but 
tew foller ; not tew harvest, but tew plant. 

There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose ; even before 
he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust 
wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a 
snaik from the word " go," and nothing else, and if he takes 
a noshun tew go tew the devil — who cares % 

But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inherit- 
ance ov a camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous 
one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy. 

I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't 



480 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

ketch, who hav dodged him successfully for the whole ov 
their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew 
match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft 
thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviv- 
ing the small pox, it may make yu proff agiri sum more small 
pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents. 

Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be per- 
sonal, they wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would 
fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin 
broke tew stand without tieing. 



SHORT KEPLYS. 



DEAR Alice. — I kno nothing about musik. 
I dont kno this tune from the other. 

I dont kno " Yankee doodle " from " ~Now I lay me on the 
grass," or " Mary had an infant sheep." 

I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to 
blame for it. 

I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make 
me kry if they are kareful. 

I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg. 

I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, 
over some mother's catch, or simple lulaby. 

But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks. 

I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, 
and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them. 

Yu must git sum processor ov musik tew answer yure let- 
ter, for i don't kno enny more about klassikal musik than 
i do about being a mother-in-law. 

Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend. 

I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down 
our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together. 

It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, 
and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik. ****** 



SHORT REPLYS. 481 

Pensive Pebekker.—l got yure letter bi mistake, for the 
letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow. 

I am only sorry on the other phellow's ackount, for yure 
deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry 
hirn. 

It don't hurt my pheelings tew be called a "pokey dunce" 

I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and 
often think i am what yu kail me, a " strapping monster." 

Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i 
luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before. 

Artless Jane. — In repli tew yure long letter, i will state 
promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing 
yu, not if yu want tew hav him. 

Theze things are all regulated by the law ov supply and 
demand. 

If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on 
hand. 

I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze 
matters, for kissing iz like all other Inly konsentrated goods, 
a little ov it goes a good ways. 

Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the 
hanker for plain vittles. 

But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst 
enuff. 

Pretty Puth. — Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with 
yure pheelings, and fled. 

This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare 
kourting iz did in a kareless way. 

Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game' az hi. 
lo jak. 

If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt 
teu swing and ketch it. 

Yu shouldn't let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, 
but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand. 

We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, 
and prize it the most when we do git it.. 

31* 



482 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, 
played in this way, and it waz well played too. 

The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held 
a jack, and a duce. 

The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught 
the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught 
his 10 spot. 

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway 
lovers. 

Gay Betsey. — Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, 
remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever 
jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick 
ov all the best provishuns in their day. 

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from 
a shell, without spileing the effekt. 

It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas 
praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum 
private pantry. 

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or 
not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle 
roks. 

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are 
called muscles, they have no muskaler strength. 

They are also called " bivalves " bi the unlearned, but this 
iz a vulgarism. 

The true name iz " good-bye valves," a term of affeckshun 
applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph 
from the haff shell. 

If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny 
sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum. 

Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, 
she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az 
mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper. 

A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while 
buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods. 



WIMMINS RIGHTS. 



483 



MI Dear Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins : 
I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew 
impart mi influence tew prokure foryu the privilege (and sun- 



OWVENV 



Wrox <^ 




dry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew 
vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do. 

I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be 
happy to floor miself , and all mi energys at yure feet, in enny 
cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess. 



484 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny 
moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter. 

I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust 
virtews. 

If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman's care and 
influence, at a time when i want worth saving. 

Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do. 

But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a 
mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious 
tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes. 

She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz agoing 
on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard 
what the result waz. 

Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a 
power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if 
yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure 
grip entirely. 

When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew 
wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on 
the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare 
will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu 
there will be a bigger muss in the family. 

Voting iz a mere negatiif power ennyhow. If a vote aint 
hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu 
tew offer that yu are going tew vote right % Yu hav more 
sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more 
prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more 
stubborness. 

Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judge- 
ment or influenced bi others. 

If yu git hold ov the ballot box what ref ormashuns dew yu 
propose ? 

I hav never saw yure platform. 

Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and 
whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching 
cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather 
boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, 
but what are yu going tu vote/br? 



WIMMINS RIGHTS. 485 

Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov 
them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be 
yure best style ?— eight men and four wimmin locked up in 
a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure 
husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik 
is a going. 

Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll 
taxes, or, if } 7 u are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the 
road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing 
wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew 
show hiz superiorite tew yu. 

Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and 
thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, 
to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed 
with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just 
az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist 
think how billyons this will be. 

Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how 
kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept 
patching pantaloons all the time ? 

Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making 
their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, 
while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a fa- 
vourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu 
hav him rekonstrukted. 

Suppoze yu git elektcd tew congress from yure distrikt, 
every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, 
will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu 
will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, 
or hart. 

Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny 
woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried 
woman, like yureself ? 

Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these 
things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure 
attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making 
his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and 



486 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew 
.yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin conven- 
shuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a 
set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven't got enny repu- 
tashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav 
got. 

If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an 
ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the 
ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who 
ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon 
a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az 
the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the 
pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a phel- 
ler, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the 
pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am 
yure man. 

But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the 
hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the 
eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, 
between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov 
the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the 
vestal keepers. 

Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz 
strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn't mean 
what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should 
hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted 
career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and 
other rhapsody s in the key bugle style, but i kno the power 
that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay 
in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, 
thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible. 

In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all 
that " Wimmin 's rights " means, iz, more power, and enny 
woman who would exchange a single article, in the " magna- 
karta " which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the 
byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting 
programme ov a " wimmins right convenshun," would be 
swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege. 



DOG TALK. 4:87 

"Barney" — I received the rat tamer yu sent me by the 
Merchants' Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart 
ov milk for hiz tea. 

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more ; it made 
him stick out like a false caff. 

He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, alt'ho 
it iz now 10 o'clock this morning. 

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and 
he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats. 

He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and 
broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in. 

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little 
boy's toe — to hiz shoe. 

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other 
vase agin, I'll bet. 

Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder ! all tew powder. 

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and 
in. 

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him 
went. 

He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he 
knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone 
round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing. 

He don't seem tew cum back ! 

It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum 
back. 

My wife iz glad ov it. 

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier. 

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him 
tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst. 

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make 
enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn't send me 
enny more tarrier. 

" Fred." — Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma 
go home with her from apartee, git the gals endorsement, and 
sale in ; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu 
haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu; 



488 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take 

yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by. 

" Snyder P — Eats originally cum from Norway, and i wish 

they had origin- 
ally staid thare. 
They are about 
as uncalled for as 
a pain in the 
small ov the 
back. They kan 
be domestikated 
dreadful eazy, 
that is, as far as 
gitting in cup- 
boards, and eat- 
ing cheese, and 
knawing pie, is 

V' ^1 III "■' WX!M\% ! concerned. 

The best way 
tew domestikate 
them that ever I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a 
steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate ad- 
vantage. 

Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav 
a mind to. 

Pisen is also good for rats ; it softens their whole moral 
naturs. 

Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and — who don't. 

I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in 
Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't 
serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This 
shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Hats enhance 
in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One 
pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the 
rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, 
he will begin tew hav rats, — tew turn oph. 

JStujent — We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than 




CORRESPONDENCE. 489 

bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, 
but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We fur- 
nished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years 
ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the 
banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of 
the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse. 

Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal ; i 
hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri 
hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the 
shape ov poetry ; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a 
magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers : 

" Dear Sur : Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. 
Yures, in haste." 

Matty — It iz very natral that you should ask me in what 
manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It 
iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ought tew 
jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like abocky 
hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with 
an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the 
pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think 
I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own 
course. 

Mirakle : — Yu sa " yu kant understand the mirakle ov the 
whale, that swallered Joner." I dont serpose that Joner, nor 
the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu 
what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety ; but i kno what 
a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on 
the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile 
for salvage, or sold out his chanse. 



Orange, New Jersey. 

DEAR Mr. : I hav pulled oph the har- 
ness and thru it carlessly on the ground, and turned 
myself out to grass for the season, and thare ain't no salt nor 
oats that kan ketch me ; i like mi pasture, and kan understand 



490 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

now perfecktly eazy the wisdum ov good old Nebukudnezzer. 

Neb, good old soul, had bin kept up a long time on high 
feed, had lost hiz hanker for pepper in hiz vittles, and like a 
horce, longed for green lots and still waters. 

That iz just what ailed me, but now i am in clover, and 
am snuffing the mountain's breath, and am kicking up mi 
heels, from ten to fifteen perpendiklar every time ennything 
skares me. 

Don't tell ennyboddy whare i am ; i haint got no ad- 
dress; mi name aint Billings; Billings haz lied the United 
States in a hurry ; he haz gone to Alaska ; i am out tew grass 
miself, and am very kickful, but you, dear Friend, might 
cum and look over the fence into the lot whare i am, with 
impudence, but it would be hily catastrophus for ennyboddy 
else. 

Orange iz a sweet place. The orange blossoms fill the air 
just now with a nektrons baptism. The onions are already 
up, and lettuce iz a dead sure thing. 

Thare iz a mountain here — a real live mountain — none of 
yure humps ; but a mountain, all along whoze sides and on 
top ov whose back are menny villas ov' buty, arkitektrally 
pretty, and fronted and sided with shaven lawn, and shaded 
with different evergreens, which loom up grateful and cool az 
big mint julips in dogg daze. 

I am tickled to death with Orange, and want tew liv here 
200 years, and smell the blossoms, and witness the garden 
sass strut. 

This iz a very old town, and iz certainly the queen city ov 
Nu Jersee. It smiles along the valley at the feet ov the 
mountain, for at least four miles, and natur haz done the fair 
thing for it. Look-outs are plenty, and rapid little rivulets 
cum romping down the mountain sides, and unwinde them- 
selfs gracefully across and down the valley. 

It iz a place ov residence only, and iz filled with New 
Yorkers, who, like miself, cum out here tew spend a portion 
ov our vast inkums and graze. 

Thare iz a repitition, awl over the town, ov sharp and lean 



CORRESPONDENCE. 491 

spires sticking upwards from very nice churches, and Sunday 
here iz Sunday on the square. 

Thare iz no hoss-racing, no dorg engagements, nor rum 
smelling here on Sunday. All iz peace, and the streets, at 
the propper hour, are filled with calm and grateful faces 
churchward. 

I love this, and altho i hav az keen a noze for rollicking 
fun az enny one, when Sunday cums, i do luv to see evry 
man and hiz wife, with clean collar on, and crazy for a church. 

The soil iz a tan -colored loam, and iz perfecktly kind and 
safe for vegetables, and each house haz almost a farm for a 
garden. 

Thare iz no sickness here, the two doktors pitch cents in 
front ov their offices for bizzness, and for amuzement, sell pi- 
plant around the village. 

Milk iz only six cents a quart here, and let a bowl ov it 
stand still over night, and the next morning the kream ov it 
iz az thick az a roze blankett. What do yu think ov that, 
dear Fellow. 

Everyboddy keeps a horce, and carriage, here including me, 
mine iz a female one, and iz compozed ov a mild little phaton, 
with a morsel for a boss, which mi wife and daughter let me 
ride in once in a while when i am good. 

Orange iz 17 miles from nu York, more or less — less, i 
belieave, and i wish it waz 42 thousand, for i don't never 
want tew go back, i would like tew own the wmole place, and 
then giv it away to the folks who liv here now, and all ov 
us be so happy. 

The Morriss and Essex Eailrode iz situated here, and don't 
seem tew do enny other bizzness but run trains all the time to 
the citty, and street-kars will take yu to Newark, four miles, 
evry 20 minits, whether yu want to go or not. 

Dear Fellow, sell out yure paper, let 250 thousand sub- 
skribers thank you for the good yu hav done them, and yu 
move out here with your household gods and goddesses, and 
gaze with me and hear the cat-birds sing in the willows, this 
will be fun and glory on the half shell. 



492 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

I am much satisfied with the negroes that i meet here, 
they are in original packages ; they don't pretend tew be sum- 
thing else, i kant help but love a kontented darkey, thare iz 
so mutch philosophy in being black, persekuted and happy. 

Orange iz the only place in Nu Jersee that musketoze kant 
liv in, and enjoy themselves. 

Last seazon, (i am told by the Sharp Brothers, livery men,) 
that two musketoze made their appearance here, but were 
notified immediately by the authoritys to leave, for they 
didn't want enny vagrants, the musketoze hung around for 
three or four days, and not finding any boddy to associate with, 
left for Morristown. 

This shows how orderly evry thing iz kept here. I hope 
to gracious that they will be just az strikt this year, for if 
thare iz enny thing on earth that i am aktually afraid ov, it 
iz a musketoze. 

I think that i had rather be bit by an elephant than by a 
musketoze. 

One bite from an elephant iz all that enny man wants, but 
one bite from a musketoze iz only an agravashun. 

Remember me freely to every boddy in the ofhss, and tell 
them all to do their duty, from the Editor-in-chief down to 
the devil, for the eyes ov the world are upon them. 

Yures, in big grass, 

Josh Billings. 



Wheeling, Ya 



I lectured here last nite on "Milk," and the aujience 
seemed tew relish the liquor. 

Wheeling iz the capital of West Yirginia, and iz lokated 
on the south side ov the Ohio river ; 95 miles belo Pittsburgh, 
and a trifle over thirty-five hundred miles west ov London 
and Liverpool. 

It iz a very orderly town. I saw no one murdered during 
my stay. 



CORRESPONDENCE. 493 

They hav a mayor, and some common council — very worthy 
men I am told, which sounds funny enuif to a New Yorker ; 
who have learned to look upon a few months in States Prison 
az a necessary polish for the municipal board. 

Dogs are very plenty here, and so are fleas ; and what 
struck me as very funny, the dogs carry the fleas around on 
their backs. 

Mules are also very thick here ; i counted eight yesterday 
strung onto one wagging, driven bi a venerable and mature 
darkey, and drawing about a ton, not a load to excite the 
marvel and indignashun ov our humane Bergh. Mules in 
Wheeling seem to hav lost their ambishun, or left it at horn. 
Their ears all lop like corn that iz ripe, and reddy to pluck 
from the stalk, and they don't pay any more attenshun tew 
the flies than an empty sugar hogshead duz. 

I think theze eight mules must have had six quarts ov flies 
on them (i didn't count them), all stuck fast, and it waz only 
now and then that a mule waved hiz tail. 

I don't kno whether this inattenshun tew the flies waz 
owing to the pashunce or philosophy ov the mules ; or to the 
fakt (not generally known) that the mule can't hear. A mule 
kan kick further than he kan hear. 

Sum ov the least edukated ov the naturalists, will be 
inklined to doubt this assurshun ov mine, that the mule iz 
deff, but i will bet enny ov them 10 dollars ov it, and put 
the money in Chief Justiss Chase's hands. 

After i hav won the money, Chase may give it to sum 
deserving charity, sich for instance az the " wimmins' rights 
committee," or Bergh's " cruel animal orginashun." I don't 
believe in winning a bet, unless you lay out the money iinmi- 
jiately in morals, or fust klass benevolence. 

Wheeling haz a bizziness look to its countenance ; the 
wharfs are stuck full ov steamboats, and prosperity walks 
round the town with hiz hands stuck deep into hiz pockets, 
whistling that benign and limber old tune, " Daniel Tucker 
haz arrivenP 

I waz partickularly struck with the buty ov the young 



494 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

ladys here, so much so that mi wife differed entirely with 
me, and declared she couldn't see it. 

Mi wife iz a woman ov unerring judgement, but she kant 
bear tew hav me brag on other females ; she calls it " wasting 
mi tallents, which hav bin entrusted to me for other and 
better purposes." 

The late ackt ov emansipashun haz thrown a vast lot ov 
negros out of employment in Wheeling ; they don't seem tew 
hav enny thing to do, only tew belong tew themself, which 
iz the hardest kind ov work for the poor phellows. 

The negro must be elevated or destroyed ; not elevated by 
the hair ov the head, for that iz too short a holt, but bi learn- 
ing him tew work for himself. 

Enny man who haz learned tew work for himself iz three- 
quarters elevated. 

Mi wife (and me) leave here to-morrow for Cincinnati. 
(It may not be generally known, but i state it here, once 
for all, that mi wife iz the principal woman in our family.) 

It done mi heart good to hear a little phellow with a huge 
bundle ov papers under hiz arm crying out the New York 
Weekly for sale ; hiz voice rung out on the frosty air like 
the challenge ov a game rooster. 

I bought one, and waz pleazed to see how admirably well 
the paper looks. 

Wheeling will long linger around the portals ov mi heart. 
I hav had no pull backs since i entered the city ; everything 
haz slipped az easy az a boy's sled, and i shall leave to-mor- 
row with a tear in mi eye, and 90 dollars in mi pocket, the 
net receipt ov mi lectur. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov phun, dear Friend, in delivering 
comick lekturs, espeshily if the lekturs are phunny, but it 
takes a man of grate strength tew write a comik lektur. 
He haz got tew be az strong az Sampson. 
Mi lectur on Natral History iz not near as phunny az i 
could make it if i only knew how. 

But i am learning sumthing new every day, and in a few 
years from now i expekt to improve. 



SHORT, BUT SWEET. 



495 



I spell a grate deal better this year than i did last ; mi 
friends all notis it. 



SHORT, BUT SWEET. 

Richard. — Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in Natral 
history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and 
fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, 
and whi the rinosseross hasn't got but one tusk, and that on 
the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all 
theze kritters, from sw^-^i /DTK /Pk 

the genial muskee- wjt ^^^¥^X^,^m^. Aj 

ter and pensiv cock- 
roach klean up tew 
the elephant, with 
hiz trunk, and the 
lion, who hain't got 
enny trunk at all. 
You ask me about 
the zebra. The ze- 
bra iz a striped hoss, 
the wildesst thing in 
natral history ov hiz 
size, and az hard 
tew civilize az the 
hyena, and az use- 
less, when civilized, 
az the osstritch or the 
rattlesnaik. They 
don't inhabit the United States at large ; they may liv in 
Kanda, if they hav a mind to — I never hav been thare tew 
diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but 
they kant kik w T ith the mule. Thare ain't nothing that kiks 
for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except 
it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth 
ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder 




496 ANSWERS 'TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, 
and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and 
I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the 
rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and Grossest ov theze 
muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, 
whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use 
whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus 
tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing 
else. They are like all other wild animals — fleet only for a short 
distance ; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just 
az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun 
that an injun kan understand. 

Caroline. — Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and senti- 
mental, and luvly things. 

I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor. 

I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances. 

When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into 
the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and 
barefooted, a sort ov vagrant. 

If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum 
folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i 
tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at 
it. 

I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew 
elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, 
original truth, i don't kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drum- 
udary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glitter- 
ing cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls 
tew nibble at. 

Benja7mn. — Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed 
a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer. 

The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for 
apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve 
the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the 
south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair 
chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz 
roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves 



SHORT, BUT SWEET. 497 

hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear 
greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for 
clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, 
and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and 
plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two 
pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kon- 
trivance to hiz cows tails in fli time. 

Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a prak- 
tikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred 
years ahed ov the time. 

I haven't mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now 
science and theory, and book laming will have so changed 
agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won't in- 
dulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively 
air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov 
the nest. 

Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have 
waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it 
cums. 

Prudence. — I received yure kind letter yesterday, and 
must admit that i kant answer yure question. 

I doriH kno what a Dolly Varden iz. 

I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an im- 
mense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov 
their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Yard en, or knot, I 
dont kno, and darsent ask. 

I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it 
thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo ! it aint 
thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, 
and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry 
Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am mar- 
ried too) and they say " hush" and pass on in a grate hurry, 
and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got 
up expressly to Bear the market. 

Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly 
Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more 
nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about 
it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness. 
32$ 



498 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS 

Picayune. — The sucker iz not a game pbish, the very 
name indicates that. 

They won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, 
emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill 
ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country. 

They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch 
their breth in it. 

They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general 
intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob. 

They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az 
mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, 
by moonlite, with a three-tined fork. 

Howard. — Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents 
karefully weighed, and I find that they don't weigh heavy. 

In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not 
bin found out yet. 

Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the 
kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov 
wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood 
it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal 
history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az 
the Pole iz got. 

In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be 
polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall's 
guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders. 

Caroline. — Yu ask us, " Which iz worth the most tew a 
woman, buty, or modesty." 

For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, 
for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty. 

Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat 
kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day. 

We konsider buty one ov the best fcollatterals that a woman 
kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she 
aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance 
policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums. 

Buty alone wont wear well, and thare iz a grate deal of it 
now daze that wont wash at all and keep its color. 



JOSH REPLIES. 

JOSH REPLIES. 



499 



" Thomas." — " Jordan is a hard road to travel," i kant tell 
you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus 
probably, who waz too lazy to keep a boss and waggon, or 
else a hotel darkey 
carryin' trunks all day. 

"Ferdinand."— "Man 
wants but little here 
belo, nor wants that 
little long," iz a libel, 
man wants evrything 
he kan see, or hear ov, 
and never is willing to 
let go ov hiz grab. 
"Whenever yu find a 
man who iz thoroughly 
satisfied with what he 
has got, yu will find 
either an ideot, or one 
who haz tried to git 
more and couldn't do it. 
The older a man 
grows, the more want- a hard road to trabble. 

fill he bekums. and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a 
dollar grows grippy. 

"Herod" — He that puts a small value on hiz services, 
issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. "When yu make a 
request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu 
expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty 
in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it, we 
mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see 
little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but 
you don't see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in 
the hornet's tail iz what makes him respektable. 

" Miller." — Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude 
iz one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze 




500 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man 
drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellow- 
est, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu 
throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, 
that ingratitude iz the common sin against God. 

" Matilda" — Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are 
learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand 
the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without know- 
ing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs 
most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny 
pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. 
Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but 
it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in 
single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the 
patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a 
kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two 
pretty big words, but worth the munny. 

I haven't dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an ama- 
teur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, 
that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, 
i remember fresh, that kind didn't hav enny mathematicks 
in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion. 

Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew by- 
standers, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, 
az uncalled-for. 

" Warwick." — " He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew 
the Lord," if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu 
wouldn't hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark. 

Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lend- 
ing to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man's munny. 

He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, 
and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal 
az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the remains. 

Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but 
whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 
cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers. 

" Gildad" — Yure juicy letter haz questions enufftew make 



A LOVING COUPLE. 




Deakon Fairweather visits New York to answer a matrimonial 
advertisement — 




— hiz wife hears of it, and goze fur him. 



(500) 



JOSH AND THE COMMITTE MAN. 501 

a distrikt-schbol-master faint, and if i should answer them all, 
yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an auhnanak. 

Who the author ov the saying, " the good die yung," waz, 
i don't care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger 
a man kan die the better ; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded 
sure thing. 

Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan 
live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv 
over Sunday with me. 

"Abel" — Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny 
more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently 
like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, 
tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye 
open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear 
well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at 
last. 

" Hannibal." — Giving presents, with the hope of receiving 
presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or 
receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin 
skimd. 

" Mercury." — " Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness," 
waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few 
men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize 
a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who 
made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking 
that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude . 
is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place 
that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like 
solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, 
in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, 
would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a boss thief. 



JOSH AND THE COMMITTE IAK 

DEAR SPRAGTTE :— New York, Broadway 497. 
Yure letter is in front of me, asking if i kan lektur for 
yure literary associashun ear long. 



502 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

In reply i don't hesitate tew say that i can do her up 
brown. 

Set yure time and i will be thar, or demoralize miself in the 
effort. 

I hav but one lektur mixed up, and i kaul that Milk. 

This lektur is a frisky one, and made out ov different col- 
oured things, like Joe's coat. 

I don't have enny thing tew aktually say about milk in 
this lektur, it was thought best tew call it sumthing after it 
was huddled together, and i picked out the stillist name i 
could find. 

Sum very talented lekturers depend upon the title of their 
diskourse for a boost, but this is like trieing tew make a grate 
futer man or boy by calling him Jeems Buchanan. 

I am not a thoroughly edikated man, and don't kno enny 
thing about bell letters, but what little i do kno i hope i am 
certin ov. 

I got my edukashun as a coon dog duz his, by follering 
the track, and tho i haint got enny elegance in the orashun 
line I don't bark up the wrong tree but seldum. 

I take hold ov things by the butt end, and if i kant raise 
them at that holt i leave them for the next fellow. 

As i sed before, i haint got but one lektur, and this holds 
awl the gimnastiks that i am boss ov. 

There is several comik lekturers afloat, who kno how to 
write a new lektur every 90 days, which is better than the old 
one waz, but they never suffered with the dispepsy as i hav, 
or they couldn't do it. 

Thare aint but one hour and a haff ov comic ile in me, and 
that wants greasing towards the end. 

I don't advise enny body tew employ me tew do their lek- 
tring who have laid in their stock ov informashun thus far, 
by reading novels, for thare aint no silver mounted hero in 
mi tale, nor heroine with crazy hair and alabaster buzzum. 

I go for humin natur and things az they am, and prefer 
tew deal with the experience ov my audiences, rather than 
with their imaginashuns and simpathys. 



JOSH AND THE COMMITTE MAN. 503 

This is the auger that i want to bore with, and if i fail it 
is bekauze i am more sincere than capable. 

I hope you will forgive me for talking so mutch about mi- 
self, but your letter seems tew demand that I shall bare my 
brest before you, and give you my cube root. 

This lektur ov mine is intended tew be ov a moral disposi- 
shun, but it may fail as an acktiff poultiss, for their is no 
attempt tew be delikate at the expense ov truth ; vice and 
folly are not flattered, and the fun, if thare is enny in it, is 
not immorality in ambush. 

What the community think ov me, Mr. Sprauge, as a lek- 
turer, i kant tell you, i never asked them, they are good 
judges, and for that very reason are not in a hurry tew giv 
their opinyun. 

I must say one thing for the publick, they hav alwus 
treated me kindly, but whether it is the result ov pitty or 
respect, yer must ask them, i haint got the time. 

One ov the best ways for yure associashun tew git at my tal- 
low, is to try me ; i don't advise you to send for me expek- 
ting tew see mirakles did ; the days of miracles are in dry 
dock, and a comik lecturer's assets are like a cirkus bill, 4 
times as much in the bills as thare is in the performance. 

Thare is one thing perhaps it is mi duty tew state, without 
being asked, and that is, i am probably the most ornary looking 
and ackting man that ever trod on yure lektur boards. 

Thare waz a large family ov us at our house, and it was im- 
possible for us tew be butiful, and i grew so freely when i 
waz yung that i got a lurch into me, wdiich not only makes 
me look crooked but makes me feel so. 

It is unpleasant tew speak ov these things to a stranger, 
but they are ov such a natur that they kant be hid. 

As it regards mi age, i kant see ov what akount that iz tew 
yure literary associashun ; if the lektur iz poor, i am either 
too young or too old for the bizzness. 

It givs me a good deal ov happiness tew state posatimy 
that i am marrid az much az enny man i kno ov, and wouldn't 
sell out my chance for 100 cents on the dollar, on akount ov 
the diffikulty ov reinvestment. 



504 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

My family consists ov four — three females and one man — 
and the man is konsidered the poorest one in the lot. 

Nothing now seems tew remain tew be told, in answering 
your modest appeal, but tew state that the price ov mi lektur 
on " Milk " is ninety dollars and forty cents, and if i throw off 
the ninety dollars — it is all that can be asked ov me — i must 
invariably hav the forty cents, for i pay awl of mi own ex- 
penses, and hav got three wimmin to support, and if yu kno 
enny thing about wimmin, they are one of the luxury s and 
kant be owned for nothing. 

After reading this letter over three or four times, sloly, 
minding the commas and the semicolons, yure literary asso- 
ciashun cum to the konklusion that they don't want me, it 
aint likely that they will see me. 

I forgot, in the hurry of the moment, tew state that mi fust 
name is Joshua, not " Josh " — it is only written short tew 
save ink. Josh Billings. 



HARD Road. — Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, send 
it tu " Wilkes Spirit," a paper that knows how tu talk 
hoss. 

I will merely suggess, that pedigree iz not important for a 
fast trotting hoss ; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedi- 
gree. 

Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint got no 
pedigree. 

Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist hold 
them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. 

A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the 
briching brakes. 

Kuller is no kriterion. 

I hav seen awful mean horses, ov awl kullers, excep green, 
i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. 

Hosses liv tew an honorabil old age, and i hav often seen 
them, that apeared fully prepared for deth. 



HORSES. 



505 



Heathins arc alwus kind tew liosses; itiz only among chris- 
tian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da, 
for $25,000 in kounterfit munny. 

" Benzine" — Men who hav a grate deal to do with hosses, 
seem tew demoralize faster than the hosses do. 

Horses are like dice, and kards, altho they are virteuous 
enuff themself s, how natral it iz tew gambol with them. 

liosses luv the society ov man, and being susceptable ov 




grate deceit, they will learn a man how to cheat and lie before 
he knows it. 

I know lots ov folks who are real pins, and who are honest 
enuff tew work np into united estate assessors, and hav sum 
good-sized moral chunks left over, but when they cum tew 



506 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



tork lioss, they want az mutch look after az a case ov dipthery. 

" BenvolioP — In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i 
must confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, " verbatus 
ad liberating," from the works ov a selebrated French writer 
on natural history, ov the 16th sentry. 

The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, 
without cuming tew a head. 

He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and 
iz accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with 
uncommon limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, 
before long, in a few daze, hiz tail iz no more, and legs begin 
to emerge from the south end ov the animal, and from the 
north end, at the same time, may be seen a disposition tew 
head out. 

In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust 
time in his life, begins tew git his head abuv water. 

His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze 
more, he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov 
the pond hole, and looking at the dinner baskets ov the chil- 
dren on their way tew the distrikt skoolhous. 

Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov 
a brickbat in his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on 
his behind leggs, and enters the water, head fust, without 
opening the door. 

Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits 
tew be 21, and then his life iz more ramified. 

Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from 
sin az an oyster. 

I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his hon- 
est dets and took the daily papers. 

I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before 
leggs or not, and if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness 
but the frog's. 

Their hind legs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov 
him won't pay for eating. 

A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not 
git tired. 



CORRESPONDENCE. 507 

The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log 
tew sit on, over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks 
tew the rest ov the frogs away down in his throat, so that yu 
kan't understand more than half what he sez ; heiz generally 
a cross and lazy old devil, all over warts. 

This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, 
except that they ketch flize during fli time, and winter on 
nothing, by freezing up solid. 



Boston, 18 — 



Boston is the kapital of Mass', the salt of the earth, and 
the kradle and rocking hoss of the live Yankee. 

It is a city of immense spondulicks, grate attempts, vast 
viktories, and tremenjuous learning. 

The inevitable skool marm, the kamphene agitator, the war- 
like debater, all cum red-hot from Boston. 

I am playkarded to lektur here to-night at Musik Hall, but 
how i shall succeed the Lord only knows, for i, a man of no 
learning, a very poor speller, and devoid of impudense, and 
got to face poets and skollars, historyans and sages, besides 
lots of wimmin, who hav got mo edukashun in one minnit 
than Nebudkenezzer had after 999 years of toil and sweat. 

I shall probably make a fizzle of it, but i have one conso- 
lashun to cheer me, it won't be mi fust fizzle. 

Fust fizzles are what try a phellow ; if he kan manage one 
of them, and not all leak out, there is hope fur him, and also 
a slight sprinkling of salvashun. 

What i hav saw of Boston suits me. The people are as 
gentle as lambs, and know a stranger the minnitt they git their 
eye on him. 

Noboddy here is in too mutch of a hurry to be civil. If yu 
hav lost yure hotel the fust man you meet will waste 2 hours 
telling yu of the different crooks yu must take to reach it, and 



508 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

finally konklude the safest way to tell yu how to git thare is 
to drop every thing and go with yu. 

Boston is the ezyest place tew git lost in (with all its moral- 
ity) that i hav ever tried. You kan git lost and not kno it till 
a hour afterward. 

Thare don't seem tew be enny streets that run parralell. 
They all seem tew run whare they pleze, and every street has 
got at least one end to it, that brings up in sumboddy's door- 
yard. 

To learn Boston one should be born here, or at least serve 
an apprentisship here for 40 or 50 years. 

Boston is principally selebrated (just now) for its grate tem- 
peranse question. 

Whiskee is as aktual skase here, as hare on the hed of mi 
cane. 

I haven't dared to ask the question, for fear of being arrest- 
ed, but i don't surpose, as near as i kan judge, that thare is a 
square drink of corn whiskee, within six miles of the city of 
Boston, for sale, or to let. "What on earth the people liv on, 
for drink, is a mystery to me. 

Yirtew, and morality, are the two staple krops of Boston. 
This afternoon i am going to be invited out to ride, on the 
mill damn, a piece of fast road, near the city, which is built 
in a straight line, to avoid the unworthy appearance of a trot- 
ting track. 

Bunker hill is not fur oph, and i am teazed to stay over 
tomorrow and visit it, but i have alus made it a rule, the 
quicker i kan leave a town, after i hav spoke one of mi lekturs, 
and got my money for it, the more pleazant it iz for my 
friends to entertain me. 

Plimouth rok is likewise sumware in these ajacent parts, 
i would like teu go and stan on it — the man who kan stan on 
Plimoth rok, and not puff up sum, is a stony kuss. 

Such a man probably never had enny fourf athers, nor enny 
soul, nor enny gizzard, nor enny f ewter prospects in him. 

I spent two hours, just after breakfast in the common, 
which is an uncommon fine piece of veritable land, inhabited 
with grand elms, and lit up, by day, with happy children. 



COMMUNIKASHUNS. 509 

If i had a boy, that i wanted ten elevate, in the way he 
should go, the most, i wouldn't undertake the job miself, but 
i would take oph his halter, and turn him out loose, in the 
city of Boston. 

It has been sed, by one of her historians, " that a man once 
born in Boston don't hav tew be born agin." If this is really 
so, it is a great saving. 

Relicks are verry cheap just now in Boston, i was offered 
a hemlok board, 10 feet long, 8 inches wide, and an inch in 
depth, taken in one piece from the grate Colyseum, for the 
miserable pittance of $2.50. 

It was dorg sassage cheap, but it was two dollars more 
money than i had, and more hemlok board than i stood in 
need of. 

Brains is the chief artikle of consumption in Boston, al- 
moste everything else is neglekted, and tho' this is a sublime 
idear, the consequents is, that a grate deal of natral genius is 
neglekted, and the city is a leetle over-stocked with morbid 
taylors and languid mantu-makers. 

Thare is one thing that i love and respekt Boston for — she 
lets her dead sleep in old graveyards, all about the city. 

I konsider a man's bones a fust mortgage on land, that no 
process but the summons of Gabriel's horn kan remove. 



COMMITjSTIKASHUNS. 



SWEET Nuisance : — In yure letter ov last Friday yu ask 
me what church i belong to ? 
I waz original a Presbeterian old school, but like menny 
others, i hav changed mi takticks. 
1 belong to another church now. 

I didn't change bekauze i had enny doubts in the matter, 
but i thought the religion waz wearing on me. 

It iz very natral for a man az he gets older tew studdy hiz 
eaze, and change a trotting hoss for a pacer. 



510 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



I don't hesitate to say that the old-fashioned Presbeterian 
trotter iz a safe and sure one, but a leetle too jolty. 
I am riding a pacer now. 

They tell me that the pacer will take me to the end ov the 
journey just az safe, with less wear and tare. 
I hope they don't lie about this. 
I want tew git through all right. 

I must say that the pacer iz a leetle kareless and stumbles 
onst in a while, but they tell me to hang onto the pummel ov 

the saddle and i 
won't git hove. 

My ansesstors all 
rode Presbeterian 
hard trotters, and set 
a hoss well. 

My advice tew all 
nu beginners iz to 
commense on a trot- 
ting hoss, and when 
they git well-seazon- 
ed it will do to try 
a pacer. 

If you begin on 
a pacer, before yu 
git to the end ov the 
road, yu will want 
sumthing that rides 
eazier still. 



Dear Fraud : — The bedbugg iz a cosmopolitan cuss. 

He iz kommon tew all countrys that thaw out. 

Greenland iz the only country whare they are konsidered 
a luxury. 

Everything that is hard tew git and eazy tew looze, iz a 
luxury. 

Honesty, religion and money, at interest, are amung the 
luxurys. 

Tite boots are eazy tew git, and therefore are not a luxury. 




COMMUNIKASHUNS. 511 

Bad kolds are not arming the luxurys, but yellow mice and 
red crows are. 

The bed bugg iz bilt in a circle, and hiz mouth reaches klear 
around the edge of hiz boddy. 

This enables them tew bite their food just az well in one 
place az another without turning around. 

It iz just az handy for a bed bugg tew bite, az it iz for a 
red hot kole ov fire to burn. 

The bed bugg iz a very eazy animal tew cultivate, in fakt, 
if yu will only giv them house rent free, they will kultivate 
themselfs. 

Two bed buggs will produce in one year four thousand 3 
hundred and two bed-bugs, besides laying twelve hundred 
and 36 eggs for the next year's krop. 

They are az prolifick az the meazles. 

For a large yield and a quick return, there ain't no stock 
investment that kan beat bed-buggs. 

The only trouble iz, that thare iz so menny folks in the 
bizzness now, that the supply haz killed the demand. 

A healthy competishun iz the soul of trade, but mankind, 
when they see their phellow kritter doing well in enny 
enterprize, aint happy until they rush into the same bizz- 
ness. 

Twas ever thus. 

I don't look upon raising bed-buggs for a living, or just 
for phun, az absolutely necessary, but it iz better than raizing 
the devil. 

Copious Fool. — I received yure long and windy letter 
about 5 minnits ago, and will answer it without reading it. 

Yure whole letter seems tew be devoted to asking ques- 
tions about mi ansesstors. 

Az near az i kan rekolekt now, mi ansesstors were in the 
ark with Noah, and had a private state-room, just forward ov 
the wheel-house. 

Az a general thing, ansesstors are not the most profitable 
topick to brag on, unless yu go back az far az the ark. 

All the genuine aristokratick stok thare iz in the world, at 
the date of this letter, cum from the ark. 



512 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Behomath Billings iz the only one ov my pristines that i 
always feel like betting on. 

He waz the anther of "Hi, low, jack and the game," in 
all its purity. He waz also the arkitekt ov that wonderful 
saying, which translated, reads thus : " the grate strength ov 
all games, iz tew hold the best kards, and then play them 
right." 

The Billings family owe all their suckcess in life, since the 
ark, to their good holts. 

When a Billings gits a good holt, you never see them let- 
ting go to spit on their hands. 

There iz good monkey sense in this. 

You never see a monkey let go when he iz on the klimb. 

Cheerful Beat. — In yure valuable letter of Ocktober 9, 
yu ask me if thare iz enny openings now in Nil York for a 
yung man ov temprate habits. 

In repli i am forced tew state that Nu York iz phull ov 
openings for yung men, menny ov whitch have but one ori- 
fice tew them and that iz whare yu go in. 

If yu are gitting reliable hash 3 times a day and hav yure 
washing and mending done yu had better pause in the coun- 
try whare yu are. 

Yu say you kan turn yure hand tew almost ennything ; if 
this iz so the country iz just the best place for you, and the 
city just the worst. 

A man who succeeds in Nu York iz one who haz got a 
speciality ov sum kind. 

If a jack ov all trades cums tew Nu York, he stands just 
about az mutch chance az a man would in fiteing a swarm ov 
bees with a pitchfork. 

Every bee haz got one sting and he knows just how tew 
handle it. 

But if you hav a red-hot speciality here iz the place for 

I don't kare what the speciality iz, if it iz nothing more 
than pitching cents, if yu kan just beat enny man in the 
world at this game cum on, and i will warrant yu a job. 



CORRESPONDENCE. 513 

If yu are known whare yu live az a yung man ov a grate 
deal ov purity ov karakter, and but little snap to yu, mi 
parental advice to yu would be tew stay right whare yu are 
and liv on yure reputashun. 

Poverty in the country iz no joke, but the wealth and ex- 
travaganse ov a large city iz a continual and merciless insult 
to it. 



Pitsburgh, Pa., 18— 

EDITOPS of New York Weekly : — Yu may be surprised 
to hear from me at this place, but thare iz no radikal cauze 
for alarm. 

I am here on a peaceful mission, having bin invited by the 
grand army of martys, to read mi lektur on sum natral his- 
tory. 

This lektur ov natral history, is a plaintive biography, in 
wich i treat the bugs, beasts, beastesses, and little fishes, as 
tho we had bin life long acquaintances. I warrent this lektur 
for 90 days. 

I stopped at the Monongahela House, and entered mi name 
as correspondent of the New York Weekly, and this won 
me the most obsequious attenshuns from the proprietors, who 
hung around me, and talked, asking me all about the size of 
New York, and if thare was enny other papers published 
thare, besides the New York Weekly. 

This was one of the proudest questions i ever had asked 
me in mi natral life, it done mi heart good to know that the 
Weekly was held in such venerashun so far from home. 

Pittsburgh is lokated on the land side of the Ohio river, 
and kontains a populashun fully equal to its size. 

To a stranger, the bizzness done here, would seem tew be 
all smoke, but it is really one of the most manaf aktring places 
in Amerika. 

The principal krop raized here, out of the ground, is kole. 
The atmosphere is compozed of oxigin, and kole dust, which 
33$ 



514 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

gives the face ov natur, and man, and lovely woman, a bru- 
nette look. 

The best stiddy bizzness for a nu begginner to go&to here, 
iz the clothes washing bizzness, a common paper collar haz 
tew be washed four times a day, and even then shows signs 
of oph colour. 

Pitsburgh is selebrated for the wealth and refinement of its 
inhabitants, and the buty ov its wimmin sex. I saw more 
pretty sex here, in 20 minnitts, than i ever did before in the 
whole ov mi eventful life. If i was an inconsolable widdower, 
i should at once move to Pitsburgh and commence married 
life agin. 

Yesterday i saw mi first stern wheel steambote. I thought 
for sum time that it was a stationary saw mill, in the middle 
of the river, but after a while discovered what a condem phool 
i was. 

If i was a going tew liv my life over agin (which i hav not 
yet decided to do,) i should like to hatch out a nu lektur on 
natral history, and read it for the fust time in Pitsburgh. 

I hav done a good deal of lektring for the last tew years 
(more perhaps than has been helthy for mi final salvashun), 
but i never lektured at anaujience, in mi life, whare the whole 
conglomerated mass seemed to look upon me as their best 
friend, so mutch as they did last night. 

I really thought i was in a kamp meeting, and had struk 
sum sudden ile. 

Sum shouted, and sum cried, and sum seized themselfs bi 
the hair of their heds, and if i hadn't hav bin a well ballanced 
man (which i attribit to parting mi hair so much in the middle 
of mi hed) I should hav been hove from mi usual center, and 
bin gilty of sum onesidedness, which might hav passed for 
affektashun. 

Thare is only one kritter that affektashun iz handy and 
bekuming to, and she iz a kat. 

I hav known a kat tew klean the kream all oph from the 
buzzum of a pan of milk, and then limp into the setting-room, 
on all four leggs, and lay down in the kornerof the fire-place, 



CORRESPONDENCE. 515 

so melankolly, as tlio she hadn't a friend on the face of the 
earth. 

I never knu a kat to do a square thing yet. 

I leave here in the morning for Wheeling to read mi lektur 
surnamed " Milk." 

From Wheeling i wheel to Boston, the kapital of Massa- 
ehewsetts, and the literary amphitheater of Amerika. 

The world certainly wags, for Wendal Phillips, the grate 
negro-man-sir, kan deliver a lektur in Charleston, South Caro- 
liny, now without loseing his life, and other things dear to 
him, and even Josh Billings, the unearthly speller, kan explain 
at tremont temple, in Boston, the ruling pashuns of the law- 
less cockroach, and the wandering habits of the wandering 
flea, without being find 10 dollars for dislokating one of the 
pet ordinances of the city. 

Truly the world duz move, not only on its axes, but on its 
hinges, and doors are being opened that were supposed tew 
be locked and the key hove away forever. 

I begin tew think that the lion and the lam may sum time 
hereafter lay down together and rize seperately. But i 
wouldn't advise the lam to be in a grate hurry to try the 
experiment, for the lion kan afford to wait. 

Good-by, Dear Weekly, for a few days. 



Manchester, N". H., 18 — . 

DEAR Mr. 1 I read mi liquid lektur on 
" Milk " at this place last night, for the benefit ov — the 
Billings' family. 

I had 12 hundred and fifty-five souls present to hear me, 
provided everyboddy present had a soul ; and i haven't enny 
doubt but they had. 

I never waz more tickled in mi life, but whether the souls 
waz, it don't becum me tew state. 

The souls pounded on the floor, and smote their handfr 



516 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

together occasionally, but this mite hav bin bekause the 
souls ov their feet and hauds wor kold. 

Manchester iz a manufaktring town ; but what they manu- 
fakter i cant tell, but i guess money, bi the fine bildings and 
comfortable folks i saw. 

I saw several houses and lots thare that i would swop mi 
lektnr on " Milk " for, and throw in a gallon or two to boot. 

Nu Hampshire must be a healthy state tew praktiss life in, 
if what a man, at the tavern whare i negoshiated for mi hash, 
told me, is all true. 

He told me he knu ov sevral townships ov land in the state 
whare deth never entered. * 

He sed the inhabitants az they grew very old, puckered up, 
and had a fashion ov renewing their age bi soaking themselfs 
out. 

I am dredful easy tew beleave a story, but i had to go to 
mi room, and set down, and nuss this story for two hours 
before i could git it quite. 

Thare iz sum men who kant never tell the simple truth 
without making a botch job ov it, and i think, just as likely 
az not, this man waz ov this natur. 

If this story iz true sumboddy ought to git them townships 
pattented. 

But, after all, thare iz one thing i hav notised in examin- 
ing old age, them folks who liv tew be mutch over two hun- 
dred years old seem tew git lonesum; but thare iz one thing 
they aint apt tew hav, and that iz the jumping teeth ake. 
It is sumthing to outlive the tooth-ake. 

Manchester kan boast ov one thing, and that iz, the buty 
ov her children, i dont kno whether this iz the effekt ov 
the buty ov the klimate or the effekt ov the good-looking 
parents which I observed. 

I go from here to Amherst, Mass., a place where edukashun 
iz taught to yung men in the prime ov life. 

Edukashun iz a good thing, but it should be mixt with 
other things sum. 

I hav seen a little good common sense put with it before 
now to grate advantage. 



CORRESPONDENCE. 517 

But it iz as hard tew git it just right az it iz tew git the 
right quantity ov stuffing in a waterfall. 

I never had more than haff edukashun enuff, and i hav 
saw others who waz blest with twice too mutch. 

Edukashun sumtimes clogs bizzness, for when a person 
feels az tho they was obliged tew spend three or four hours, 
explaining the scientifick natur ov saw dust before they kan 
git the buck saw tew work, i hav alwus notised they didn't 
saw mutch wood, espeshily if it waz a hot day. 

From Amherst i go to Northhampton, one ov the most 
aged and most butiful towns in Ku England. 

Mount Holyoke and Mount Thomas are not fur oph from 
Northhampton. 

Thare iz one thing about a mountain that i alwus did like, 
thare aint no man kan make one. 

Thare aint no counterfit mountains. 

I shall be glad, Dear -, when i git through lektring, 

and git ritch, like you, and sit down flatt under mi own vine 
and fig tree, and drink wine and eat figs. 

I alwus thought i should like wine and figs for a stiddy 
nourishment. 

Yesterday i cum within an inch uv buying a nu foundland 
pupp, only four months old last Christmass. 

The man only asked 75 dollars for him, (just the price ov 
one ov mi lekturs tew a cent,) and worked upon mi pheelings 
bi telling me the pupp waz an orphan child, hiz father and 
mother both having been stolen or run away. 

I thought afterwards, if i had bought that pup, and paid 
25 dollars tew have him put threw tew Nu York, and then 
hired hiz board fur 7 or 8 months, and paid one or two 
fines fur not keeping hiz mouth shut up with a muzzle, and 
then been sewed fur damages a few times fur letting him 
bite sumboddy's only yung one, and finally had him stole 
ockasionally, and got him safely back bi paying 15 dollars 
reward each time and no questions asked, and at last had him 
acksidently pizoned by striknine, it would be just mi cussed 
Ink. 



518 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

I am glad i didn't buy the pupp, fur now i just begin tew 
remember i never waz lucky in dogs. 

It iz a good deal ov a trick tew kno bow tew own a pupp 
well. 

A pupp well brought up iz an ornament tew sosiety, but 
one that iz obliged tew fetch himself up is a doubtful blessing. 



JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR 
OIL AKD YEGETABLE BITTERS MAK" 

Dear Ddktor Hirsute : — I reseaved a tin cup ov yure " Hair 
purswader," also a bottle ov yure Salvashun Bitters," bi 
express, for which, I express my thanks. 

The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov pur- 
swader that we ov the press fully understand. 

Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az 
soon az i kan find a spare time. 

I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, 
this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az 
a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew 
cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderful ! 'tis 
almoste Eureka ! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi 
cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar 
me ! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before 
I can walk out with it. 

I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian 
breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained 
yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. 

I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the 
floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally 
repozes. 

The consequents waz, sum ov the " purswader " got onto 
the hair ov the cat's tale. 

When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov 
her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size ; taking one 



CORRESPONDENCE. 



519 



more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses ! 
sich running ; across the yard ! over the fence ! up wun side 
ov an apple tree ! and down the other ! out into the fields 




away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty 
mutch awl tale. 

1 wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old 
tale on her. 

In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write 



520 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the 
hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it. 

Dear Pokter, the fact iz, " sum men are born grate, sum 
men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grate- 
ness hove upon them." 

Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. 

Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, 
and elderberry. 

It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your " Salvashun 
Bitters " a " vegatabel tonicks," although, old ryeaint one ov 
the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. 

The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you 
kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peo- 
pel will luv you. 

Thare is nothing the christian w^orld long for so mutch, just 
now, as a vegatabel bitter. 

Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an 
alteratiff, and Elderberry was know^n to the anshients, but 
what ! oh tell me what ! yee whispring winds, what ! are 
all these without whiskee. 

Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that 
will tonick a man up. 

Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and 
sicler Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurH, az 
" Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl drug- 
gists, far and near. 

Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, 
and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and 
plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will 
have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis. 

P. S. — Let me advize yu az a friend ; if it iz indispensible 
necessary tew cheat a little, in the mannfakter ov the " Sal- 
vashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont 
lower the basis. 

Yures quietly, 

Josh Billings. 



JOSHUA STILL COMMUNICATIVE. 521 

JOSHUA STILL COMMUNICATIVE. 

South Bend, Indiana, Jan. 17, 18 — . 

MY Deajkest : This place iz situated, for the 
present, in the State of Indiana, on the once classik 
waters ov the Saint Joseph, at the point whare the river 
takes a southern lurch, forming a bad crook in herself, and 
this crook, gives tew the town the name ov " South Bend." 

It iz darn funny, ain't it ? 

The city, like awl others ov its size, kontains a grate num- 
ber, and variety, ov souls, how menny i don't know, but if i 
wanted tew make a good guess, I should say 50 thousand, 
more or less. 

This may be a high estimate, but it ain't noboddy's bizz- 
ness if it iz ; the estimate iz mine, if folks don't like it, let 
them estimate for theirselfs, this iz a free country thank the 
Lord, and estimating iz an Amerikan's dearest privilege, and 
strongest point. 

I arrove here last night, by the politeness ov the Michigan 
Southern Eail Eoad, from Flint, at which place i last spoke 
tew a dove-tailed house, yu could not hav got another soul 
into the hall, not with the meat on, evry inch was sandwiched, 
and no man ever stood looking into more bravery and beauty 
than I did. 

But i waz ashamed ov miself, i had been mean enough tew 
invest in a kold the day before, which squatted on mi bron- 
kial glandorials, and made me az hoarse az the last day ov a 
kamp meetin, my voice waz a mixtur of the male trombone, 
and the horse fiddle, and sounded like a small sized jackass, 
trieing tew bray in the morning, before he had took his 
whisky. 

In mi efforts, i swet (perspired) like an African under oath, 
but the aujence, (the dear aujence) sot calm, and even waz po- 
lite enuff tew applaud me, while i vainly tried to read mi 
lektur on " Milk." 

This iz what I kail the milk ov human kindness, tew set 
still, and play that yu are pleazed with the speaker, if i should 



522 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

live tew be az old az the rings on a rackcoons tail, i shall 
keep right on remembering the citizens of Flint, and thare 
wives, and think how kindly thay sot, and took " milk," that 
was curdled with a kold. 

This place iz the home ov Skuyler Colfax, one ov mi best 
friends, i sent my autograph tew his domicil, but he want in, 
had just stepped out to Washington, on sum little matter ov 
bizzness, how sorry he will be not tew have saw me. 

Next tew miself, Schuyler Colfax iz my man, for the next 
President, and if either one ov us git it, the country will hav 
the joy ov knowing that an honest man holds the ribbons. 

But unfortunately for me, and skill, too, honesty, in a kon- 
test for the presidency, iz ov no more use than it iz in a horse 
race, and about the only salvashun thare iz now for an honest 
man, iz tew be kalled a milk sop, who haint got the gaul 
tew steal. 

If a man iz honest now daze and can't help it, he wants 
tew manage hiz honesty, az a dog duz a bone, go and bury it, 
down at the lower end ov the garden, and growl like thun- 
der, whenever he sees another dorg in that naberhood. 

The time will cum, in the politikal history ov this country, 
when an honest man will be looked upon az a saint, but it 
will be too late then, evry avenew tew power will be guard- 
ed, az the Elyseum fields ov the heathens were, with several, 
and sore headed, dogs, whoze bizzness will be tew tare intrud- 
ers into small chunks. 

I look upon a Republikan form ov government az i dew 
upon the form ov the fust gal i loved, far in the distance, but 
with a kind ov holy sadness ; it is my dream ov buty, but it 
iz like human natur, which iz az diffikult tew manage, as a 
kase ov the dipthery. 

Bepubliks will last, and dew well, as long az they are holi- 
est and simple, but when they begin to lie, and live on turtle 
soup, their jig is thru. 

Enny form ov government, that relys upon the chastity ov 
human hearts, iz az uncertain az the garden ov Eden waz ; 
but no true sailor w T ill leave the wheel, or desert the ship 



THE DAVENPORT LETTER. 523 

lie haz taken passage in, az long az thare is a plank that will 
float. 

But mi opinyuns on tkeze things are a good deal like a last 
year's almanak. 

This iz mi last night on lektring, except one, previous tew 
going home tew my family bosom ; i have had more fun out 
ov it than mi aujences hav, I guess ; i hav made a fortune, or 
about 14 hundred dollars ; this will pay oph the but end ov 
mi dets, and leave enuff tew buy each one ov mi family a 
brest pin, if this aint happiness, i am no judge ov joy ; if this 
aint bliss, then i am a cussid phool, that's all. 

It iz so cold, and the wind goes swearing through the streets 
so mutch to-day, that i shant venture out, and kant tell you 
what thare iz tew brag ov here ; but mi opinyun iz, that every- 
thing iz emphatikally on the cube, and that the feathery and 
grass consuming bird that formerly saved Rome from the 
enemy, occupys an enviable and exalted position. 

When it cums next Saturday night, dear , and you 

call awl yure men around you tew pay them oph, dont forgit 
Billings, but let mi pay be, not in vile rags, that kan only buy 
hash for the boddy, but let it be pork for the soul, beans for 
the spirit, sich az kindly remembrancers, earnest desires, that 
we may both ov us be more virtuous, and hav stoughter faith 
in that Providence who gives the rooster courage tew crow, 
the dove a desire tew be modest, and the bull tarrier the de- 
terminashun to " go in." 

And chiefly a Faith that iz adorned with good works — faith, 

dear , without works, iz no better than a pewter 

watch. 



THE DAVEKPORT LETTER. 

Alaska, Dec. 10th 18 — . 

BILL D AYEKPORT, My Deak : 
There iz nothing so mortifying tew a man, az tew be 
called upon to brag about himself. Egotism iz unfortunately 



524: ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

one ov the qualifications that men lack ; modesty haz about 
destroyed the prospekts ov the whole maskuline gender. 

But thare iz dutys, dear Bill, in this life, however full ov 
tears they may be, which we owe tew the publik, tew each 
other, tew posterity, and tew the rest ov mankind. Being 
imprest with the grandeur ov this fakt, i hav struggled with 
the tenderness ov mi natur until i hav unhorsed my bashfull- 
ness, enuff tew komply with yure special request and giv you 
a poor but honest diary ov myself, mi habits, my hopes, my 
fears, mi faith, mi experiences and mi impressions. 

After a kareful annalysiss ov myself, i hav fully cum tew 
the conclusion that i am entirely kompozed ov human natur. 
I find that i eat, chaw, and swaller what i kan chaw, az other 
specimens ov the male side ov the house duz, and i hav the 
usual amount ov soft spots and slippery places in me. I 
hav examined mi pedigree since the flood accident, and find 
that Noah didn't hav enny better stock in the Ark than the 
Billings family. 

In examining the log book ov the ark, the Billings'es are 
spoken ov az " cabin passengers, the fust at the table when 
the gong sounded, and the last tew leave, always leading in 
conversation, full ov advice, and never knowing what it waz 
tew back out ov an argument, or git beat." I also diskover 
that our ansester waz the first one tew man the gang-plank 
when the ark touched the dok, and had paper-sticking out ov 
the brest-pocket ov his overcoat, headed " dokuments Billings." 
Ever sinse our pristine Billings landed on the rekonstrukted 
earth down tew to-day, i find the family, ov which i am the 
last surviving relik, hav been remarkabel for their anxiety 
tew know what waz going on, and able tew ask more ques- 
tions without waiting for an answer, than any other men. 

Theze being sum of the prominent protuberences ov the 
Billings concern, it will not skare yer tew learn that in . suc- 
ceeding generashuns our issue waz among the adventurers in 
the May Flower, and stood on Plymouth rock a neck ahead 
of the rest. 

Having put you on the right track ov us since we fust 



THE DAVENPORT LETTER. 525 

begun tew travel, it now remains for me to cum down into 
italicks ,and explain my habits, hopes, fears, faith, experiences 
and imjpreshuns. 

1. Habits. — I hav none ; natur haz been kind to me, and 
supplied me with what i want in this line. I often do the 
same thing different at different times ; impulse iz natur, and 
habits kramp impulse. I am an offspring ov natur, and try 
tew resemble mi parent ; habits are harness, natur iz morn- 
ing-gown and slippers. 

2. Hopes. — I often indulge in hope, just az sum men do 
in gin, it makes me feel great for a spell, but teu often givs 
me the hed ake next day. Hope iz a coquet, well enough 
for an evenings flirtashun, but makes a mizerable guide, and 
companyun for life. Hope, and i, are good friends enuff, 
but we know each others best kards. I wouldn't cast off the 
jade for nothing, but she kan only grease mi macheen, she 
kant run it. 

3. Fear. — If a man aint under the dominyun of hope, he 
aint eazily influenced by fear, I hav alwus found reason able 
to master hope, and choke off fear. "When i am punched up 
by hope, and knocked on the noze by fear, i kail in reason 
and he makes theze two parasites skeedadle. I don't konsider 
miself abuv fear, nor beneath it just so far az fear iz caution, 
it iz a kollateral of reason. 

4. Faith. — I never yet indulged in implicit faith, but 
what I got beat i mean ov course in worldly matters. I hav 
bin remarkably lucky in this respect, and yet the miseiy ov 
gitting beat 9 times, in 24 hours, iz no punishment at all 
compared with the horror ov a life, that haint got the pluck 
to beleave and trust. Faith iz the lazyness ov reason. What 
yu kant prove by reason yu kant prove by faith. God gave 
us reazon and nothing else in so great a degree, he intended 
reazon az our best grip. 

5. Experience. — I hav taken az mutch ov this cordial 
mixtur az the next man yer meet, and got az little benefit 
from it. I hav worked all mi life, thus far, for experience 
and been paid off in depriciated and mutilated currency, I am 



526 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

one ov those unfortunate experience critters, who will let the 
same dorg bite them consekertively, four times on the same 
knee, before thay kan tell how hiz teeth taste, and then still 
hang around the cussed dorg. I think now i would swop off 
the whole expeeriences ov mi life, and throw in a whole lot 
ov second hand hopes, for one hour ov virtuous f orgetfullness. 
I dont know that I am a bigger phool, nor a bigger sinner 
than the lump ov mankind, but mi experience haz been and 
looks now az tho it would continnue tew be, that the more 
experience a man gits in this world, the less pure he grows. 
Experien3e at best, iz not a means of grace, but a means ov 
cunning. 

6. Impreshtjns. — Mi impreshuns principally am, that 
thare iz only one smart thing that a man kan do in this life 
and that iz, tew prepare himself for a good situation in the 
next, and if reazon coupled to resolushun fails tew do this, 
he may safely conclude, that he aint wanted thare. 

Yours for 90 days, 

Josh Billings. 



JOSH IE" SAEATOGA. 



Saratoga, Sept. 8, 18 — . 

DEAR. :— Don't think I am going to ruin, don't 
think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from 
me at this grate drinking place. 

Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from white swel- 
lings az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the bal- 
loon purswashion, but almost evry one i meets ackts just az 
tho they had sum good common sense, and had brought enuff 
along with them to last while they staid. 

Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish 
Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt familys. 

Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress 
Spring. She waz a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to 



JOSH AT SARATOGA. 



527 



run in shallow water, rather a light draft chap, i thought ; 
but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without flinching, and, i 
think, would have held one more. 

He looked a hundred pounds bigger. 

I waz filled with horror at the sight, but soon had aul mi 
fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody present wash 




themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this liquid 
salts and perilash. 



528 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house ; 
aul the femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and 
sciences, fill up their summer vakations with spring-water 
pupils. 

One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov 
tame injuns, with their squaws, and young porpoises, who 
cum here each drinking season, from the outlines ov Kanada, 
laiden with braided baskets, bags ov beads, and harmless bows 
and arrows. 

Theze people might have bin good injuns onst, but each 
successive porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want 
for their nastyness, there aint three boarding-school misses in 
the whole land, with poetry enuff in their bild tew call them 
" the noble red men ov the forest." 

The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, 
and the truth iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov 
civilization, has outflanked them. 

It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey 
and civilization. 

A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, 
but a tame injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz 
face, iz almost az near good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, 
on the bank ov Newfoundland. 

Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 
thousand miles from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, 
and never see a missionary. 

All the really good injuns die yung. 



WlLLIAMSPOET, Pa. 

Yu must not be thunderstruk to hear that i hav ceased 
to be a perpindikuler biped, and bekum for the time being a 
horizontal quadriped, going on all fours, and trotting inside 
of three minnitts. 



CORRESPONDENCE. 529 

All of this mysterious flop in my moral and phisikal natur 
is owing tew the fakt that i am at Williamsport on this event- 
ful day, which inaugurates the untold wonders of the grate 
national hoss trot. 

The races continue for four da} r s, and millyuns of money 
is to be disseminated to those quadripeds of genius who can 
promulgate themselfs around the track of the " Hurdick As- 
sociation" with the greatest amount of alakrity. 

I have alreddy received kards of invitation from several 
rapid mares, to look at them, note their points, admire their 
condishun, and bet mi munny on their goativeness. 

Among the menny brillant trotting females who hav sent 
in their kards, i kan menshun with pride " Joan of Ark" 
"Sail Potter," " Elmira Gall," "Poll MilTbanks," and the 
blooming " Maid of Pordunk." 

What the usual populashun of "Williamsport may be i kant 
tell, but the unusual populashun attrakted here to-day by the 
hossness of the occashun is irreproachably immence. 

All the strangers here go on a half -trot, and the citizens 
move on a keen jump, which gives to the scene a smart kind 
of aktivity. 

Every boddy talks hoss here to-day, and fast hoss, too. Yu 
couldn't sell a hearse hoss in Williamsport, at present, for 60 
dollars, who couldn't beat 2 minnitts and 30 seckonds. 

I hav heard so much hoss language since i hav bin here, 
that i couldn't sleep at all last night on account of a sixteen- 
hand nite mare, who was scoreing for 3 hours on mi innocent 
buzzum. 

Hoss literature is debilitating, for, say wdiat yu will, most men 
love a fast hoss for his speed, and all speed is demoralizing. 

Man was desighned tew go slow. We kan see this bi the 
time it took the fust inhabitants of the earth to trot. 

In them daze the fastest man yu could find was from 3 to 
5 hundred years trotting a heat. 

Learned men will tell yu that folks didn't learn as mutch 
in thoze times in a thousand years as they kan learn now in 
forty years ; but i kan tell yu that this wanting to kno too 

M 



530 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

much in a short time is just what beat Adam and his wife 
out of a sure thing. 

This is just what will prove the ruin of the race, for man- 
kind are now trieing tew trot so fast that you kan't hardly 
find a good square trotter amung them. They are continu- 
ally either making bad breaks, or are gittinginto a vulgar and 
wicked way of running with their behind leggs and trotting 
with their before leggs. 

After summoning tew mi aid all of mi resolushun, i have 
cum to the following butt-end conclushuns in reference to the 
trotting hoss as a means of grace : 

First — i have learned bi long and laborious experience to 
konsider " all flesh as gras," and that hossflesh is particularly 
subjeckt tew this arbitrary rule. 



" PaulP — Yu ask me what i think ov the " Gift Distribu- 
ting bizziness," and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the 
premonitory simptums ov a dead beat. 

I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me 
ten dollars for 50 cents, he lies ; i may think he means to do 
it, but he don't think so ; but i may possibly cum within 2 
dollars and a half ov it once and if i do, i hav dun well, a 
grate deal better than i will the next time. 

I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as 
soon undertake tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting 
a shinplaster back ov the hog pen. 

Parent. — I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy ; 
but, if i had one that didn't lie well enufT tew suit me, i think 
now i would set him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, 
one ov the best ways to bring up a boy in the way he should 
go, iz tew travel that way ourselfs, once in a while. . Still 
thare aint no sure thing ; I have seen them brought up az 
kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist az soon az 
they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw 
them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a 



TWO LETTERS. 531 

dimond. Raising boys iz a good deal like raising colts ; if yu 
don't git more than one out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are 
dewing fust rate. 



TWO LETTERS. 



Bramble. — It iz very eazy tew write about the innercent 
joys ov our school boy days. More than TOO composishuns 
hav bin compozed describing this memorable occassion. 

Yure glowing account of " thoze golden hours, that laffing 
fled on silver tiptoes," is very slick indeed, and goes to show 
that yu might hav had a good thing once. 

But let me ask yu, Bill Bramble, " did yu really kno it at 
the time ?" Didn't y u aktually think in them daze, with even 
the big chance yu had, that being an innocent school boy, waz 
about the meanest bizzness that enny boddy kould f oiler ? 

If enny boddy would giv yu 50 dollars, would yu go back, 
and start the innocent school boy trade over agin, on the 
same old kapital ? * * * * * Not enny school boy innocence 
for me, Mr. William Bramble, if yu pleaze, — barefooted, — a 
thistle in each big toe, and a stun bruize on each heel, and a 
rye straw hat, without enny handle to it, — fried pork for 
brekfast, and cold chuncks of biled injun meal and milk for 
supper, — hard work from sun up, till sun down, and three 
times a week, for variety, an apple tree sprout licking in the 
korn krib, — three months, each winter, ov Dabolls' arithmetik 
for edukashun, and working odd spells, for sum skinflint nabor, 
at eighteen cents a day, tew T git spending money for the next 
4th ov July ! 

This iz the kind ov joy that meny a school boy remembers, 
and looks back upon, over hiz shoulder, with the mingled 
plezzure, and remorse, that a prisoner feels, who haz reached 
the heights, and sees the innocent old jail in the valley. It 
requires a good deal ov native genius tew work this kind ov 
yung innocence up into decent poetry. 



532 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Berkshire. — "Who it waz that invented alchohol, i am 
unable tew tell, without lieing, but it would hav bin a fust 
klass blessing, for the rest ov us, if he and the lickor, had both 
of them been spilt on the ground, and never bin sopped up 
since. The Devil himself with all hiz genius for a ten strike 
could not hav rooled a ball, more serviceable for hiz bizzness 
on earth ; one more certain tew quarter on the head pin, and 
sweep the alley evry time. Rum iz the devil's stool pigeon, 
hiz right bower, hiz high, low, Jack, and the game. A grate 
menny, with dispeptick morals, argy, that lickor is indispensi- 
bel for manuf aktring, and doktor purposes, and also for mekani- 
kal uses, and they hold that yu kouldn't raize a barn, that 
would stand, without enny good old jamaka rum, and sum 
say, that pudding sass, without enny speerits in it, iz no 
healthier than common grease goose. But awl ov theze argys 
are furnished free ov cost, by the devil himself, and enny man 
who advances them, iz telling (without knowing it perhaps) 
lies, that will weigh, at a ruff estimate, at least a pound a 
piece. But mi objeckt in theze fu peliminus remarks, iz tew 
git a good chance to tell what i know, about " Jersey light- 
ning," (one ov alchohol's imps !) az a manaf aktring, andmeta- 
physikal agent. 

Jersey lightning iz cider brandy, three hours' old, still-born, 
and quicker than a flash. This juice iz drunk raw by all the 
old sports, and makes a premonitory and hissing noise az it 
winds down the thrut, like an old she-goose setting on eggs, 
or a hot iron stuck into ice water. Three horns a day ov this 
lickker will tan a man's interior in six months, so that hekan 
swallo a live, six-footed krab, feet fust, and not waste a wink. 

It don't fat a man (cider brandy don't) like whiskee duz, 
but puckers him up like fried potatoze. If a man kan sur- 
vive the fust three years ov Jersey lightning, he iz safe then 
for the next 75 years tew cum, and keeps looking every day 
more like a three-year old red pepper-pod, hotter and hotter. 
An old cider-brandy -drinker will steam, in a sudden shower 
ov rain, like a pile ov stable manure, and hiz breth smells 
like the bung-hole ov a rum cask, lately emptyed. When 



JOSH DEFINES HIS POSISHUN. 533 

Jersey lightning iz fust born it tastes like bileing turpentine and 
cayene, half and half, and will raise a blood blister on a pair 
ov old kow-hide brogans in 15 ininnitts, and applied extern- 
ally will kure the rurnatism, or kill the patient, i forget 
which. The fust horn a man takes ov this lickor will make 
him think he haz swallowed a gass light, and he will go out 
behind the barn, and try tew die, but kant. The eyes ov an 
old ciderbrandist looks like deep gashes kut into a ripe tomato, 
hiz noze iz the komplexshun ov a half-biled lobster, and the 
grizzle in hiz gullet sticks out like an elbo in a tin leader. 
The more villainous the drink the more inveterate are thoze 
who drink it. I kant tell yer whether cider brandee will 
shorten an old sucker's days or not, for they generally outlive 
all the rest ov the nabors, and die just as soon as the old 
tavern stand changes hands, and iz opened on tempranse 
principles. One bottle ov sassaparilla or ginger popp iz az 
fatal teu theze old fellers az a rifle ball iz tew a bed bugg. 

I would do almoste ennything but murder tew save a yung 
man from Jersee lightning, but trieing tew save an old one 
iz like trieing tew put the fire out ov a holler log, yu might 
az well let it burn up, for the ashes iz wuth more than the 



JOSH DEFINES HIS POSISHUN. 



DEAR PERKINS :— Posishun iz every thing, but define- 
ing it, iz another thing. 

I received yure letter in grate haste. 

I have received about 4 thousand letters ov the same breed 
during the last 5 years, in grate haste, and am out about 125 
dollars in postage stamps on this ackount. 

Yu open yure letter bi saying, " that yu beleave yu are 
4th cuzzin tew me by the operashun ov marriage, and giv this 
az one ov the powerful reazons whi yu take the liberty tew 
address me," (postage stamp not enklozed.) 



534 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



This iz the very reazon wM yu hadn't ought tew hav writ- 
ten tew me. 

I hav alwus found that 4th cuzzins are a kussid poor invest- 
ment. 

The mule iz 4th cuzzin tew the boss, and yu kan see what 
a dredful poor job he makes ov it. 

But yure letter shall be answered az honestly az mi natur 
kan do it. 

Having received about 4 thousand letters (az I sed above) 

on the same subjekt, 
and having replied 
tew them all, the 
chances are, that i 
have made them all 
different. 

I kan tell the truth 
about az near az 
enny man, giv me a 
fair chance, but to 
tell the truth 4 thou- 
sand times on the 
same subjekt, (and 
pay the postage be- 
sides) will bother 
enny man, but an 
auckshioneer. 

Auckshioneers tell 

the same thing over 

so much, that it 

gits to be true after a while, even if it waz a lie on the 

start. 

It iz hard work tew tell the truth 4 thousand times, kon- 
sekutively, on the same text, (az i sed up above) without gradu- 
ally gitting tew leward. 

It iz like a mans shuteing at a mark one hundred times, 
the chances are, that the last shot he makes, will be one ov 
the meanest in the whole lot. 




JOSH DEFINES HIS POSISI1UN. 535 

I kan tell the truth about az near az enny man, giv me a 
fair chance (az i sed up above) but bi altering the language a 
leetle each time, during 4 thousand konsekutilf times, the idee 
will git tired, and set down. 

Now thare iz two ways of following the truth, just az thar 
iz two ways ov following a fox, one way iz by cent, and the 
other way is bi site. 

When an old fox hound gits after a fox, he trusts only tew 
the cent, no matter how menny dubbles, and twists the fox 
makes, the houn makes them all, and iz either sure at last 
tew cum up with the fox, or run him into a hole, and a fox 
run into a hole, iz the next best thing tew ketching him. 

If yu kan hole the truth, yu kno whare it iz, and kan lay 
yure hand on it, when yu want it. 

The other way ov following the truth, (az i sed up above) 
iz bi sight. 

When a gra houn gits after a fox, he only trusts tew hiz eyes, 
and will follow him fast, just az long az he kan see him, but 
the fox changes his route so often, that the grahoun soon loozes 
the point ov kumpass, and stops at the first farm hous he cums 
tew, and begins tew look around, tew see if thare aint sum 
hind quarter ov lamb hanging up under the wood shed, that 
he kan steal. 

This is just the diffrence between the 2 dogs. 

Yu kant git an old fox houn tew leave the scent, tew pik up 
a ten dollar bill. 

I dont kno exactly now what i expekt tew prove bi all this, 
but if i keep on writing i may strike it after a while. 

I kan tell the truth about az near az the next man (as i sed 
up above) after i git use tew the lay ov the ground. 

Yure letter, dear Perkins, waz duly received, and merits 
a prompt repli, and i intend tew do it. 

I never put oph for three or four years, enny thing that 
kan be did in half the time. 

I never waste enny words, but alwus hum rite tew the 
pint. 

This haz always bin the kustom, in our konsekutiff family, 
from Behomath Billings along down tew me. 



536 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Behomath Billings, (yu are aware,) waz our pristine, and 
founded the anshunt sitty of Pordunk, from which the pres- 
ent home ov the Billings family takes its name and natur. 

When enny ov our family started out for a hunt, in the 
days ov chivalry, for chippin birds or reus, or enny ov the 
game specie, we never spent 5 or 6 hours shooting at a mark, 
tew git the kicks out ov the gun, or tew find out the strength 
ov the powder, or the heft ov the led. 

We alwus loaded up both barrels in presence ov our f amilys, 
put on our gaim bag, took along our overkut, and umbrel, 
kist the family all around, not forgetting the cook, put into 
our pockets bred and cheeze, took a two quart jug ov cider 
along in our hands, went out and fed the hogs before we 
started, looked at our policy ov life insurance before we start- 
ed, and see if that want run out, gave our wife the keys tew 
the bottom drawer in the buro, whare we kept our nashional 
sekuritys, also gave her the keys tew the granery, told her 
how menny oats tew feed the old mare at noon, set our watch 
bi the old kitchen klock, and alwus went bi nabor Shermans, 
and told him we waz a going out for a hunt ov chippin burds 
and asked him tew keep hiz eye on our hous, and things, and 
also look once in a while to the yerling bull, in the north 
lot, who waz apt tew go out a hunting too, onst in a while. 

This iz the way i was brought up tew do things with dis- 
patch, and this iz what haz made me, one ov the phew men 
ov the old skool thare iz now left in the land. 

But having answered about 4 thousand letters (az i sed up 
above) on the same subjekt, it wont be a kauze ov wonder, if 
i should now take a little rekreashun, before entering solumn- 
ly upon the bizzness in hand, but you kan rest assured, that 
in due time, or sooner, i shall begin to answer yure letter. 

Thare iz a knock at mi door, Perkins ! 

" Come in ! Ah, i am glad tew see yu, Mister Sprague ! — 
one moment, Mister Sprague ! " 

P. S. — Dear Perkins : I hav just got a bite, Sprague haz 
called on me tew talk about owning a rat tarrier pup, which 
said pup, i want tew sell, the most kussiddist, without enny 



CORRESPONDENCE. 537 

reservashrm, and i musn't let the tiling slip, for yu kant sell 
a pup every day. 

We wasn't but 50 cents apart the last time we met, and az 
i only ask a dollar for the pup, i think we shall cum together 
at this sitting, or the next. 

Yu kno how diffikult these things are tew manage, and a 
leetle too much anxiety on mi part, mite destroy the pup 
transackshun. 

The pup iz a fair pup, az pups run, but he lacks the eight 
ov a sixteenth ov being full ov blood, on his maternal side, 
and tho his tale iz so well bread that yu kant see the last 2 
inches ov it, still thare iz lurking that dreadful stane in hiz 
pedigree, that no excuse will palliate. 

He is a good ratter — " one moment, Mr. Sprague ! " — and 
will kill 14 out ov 15 rats, that he goes for, and don't kost 
but 2 dollars a week for hiz board, still thare iz that eight ov 
a sixteenth taint in his karakter, that nothing but deth kan 
wash out. 

I beleave i would giv 10 thousand dollars this minnitt, if 
this pup had a pure rekord. 

But dear Perkins (as i sed up above) yure letter shall be 
answered in dew time. 

Yures in haste, Josh Billings. 

" ]STow, Sprague, it iz yu and me for the pup." 



CORRESPONDENCE. 



"Julia" — I kant answer awl yure questions without 
intruding upon the privacy ov mi imaginashun, and i hav al- 
reddy overdrawn mi account in that fund. 

But i am not only willing, but anxious to say, in reply to 
yure inquirys, that poodle dogs are positively no accomplish- 
ment. Ladys who pet poodles, and lug them through the 
streets in their arms, and feed them on rare bits, are seldum 
seen releaving the wants ov the poor, or soothing the cry ov 
anguish. 



538 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Poodles are good for nothing on earth, only to hive fleas, or 
to tie onto a long stick and wash the outside ov windows 
With. 

If yu must hav a pet, git a yung raccoon, or a tame crow, 
and studdy the deviltry ov the brute creashun ; theze critters 
will not only keep yu bizzy, but will either learn yu to be pa- 
shunt, or impress yu with the extreme cussidness ov pets, and 
I hope the latter. 

Pets ov awl kinds are not only a damage to the animals, 
but a kind ov disgrase tew the dignity ov a human being. 

Be simpathetick, but dont be soft, Julia. Giv a stray kat 
a night's lodging, but dont encurrage the critter to cum agin. 

" Clarence." — A literary reputashun iz a good deal like 
tight-rope dancing ; it takes a long time, and mutch pashunce 
tew git it, and it iz deuced slippery bizzness tew stand on after 
yu hav got it. 

A few make munny by it, but most make crusts. 

Yu may think' it iz a big thing tew be seen in the nuzepa- 
pers, but az a general thing, it iz safer tew stand in front ov 
a looking-glass. Yu kan see yurself thare az others see yu. 

If yu hav really got a good taller-kandel ov yure own, yu 
are commanded by the Scriptures not to hide her under a 
half-bushel ; but let me advize yu tew be certain that yure 
dip will burn before yu light it, for, once in harness, thare iz 
no eskape for the ordinary literary hack. Iliz vanity iz too 
muskular for hiz sense. 

If it is fame, Clarence, that yu are looking after, i kan 
assure yer that the glory ov the common skribbler will per- 
forate posterity, just about az deep az the advertizements ov 
a quack doktor. 

My advice tew yer iz dredful short and simple, and az eazy 
tew follow az a halter. 

If yu are fully satisfied that yure fust literary effort iz per- 
fekt, tare it up and dont be a phool but once, but if yu sincere- 
ly doubt its merit (which iz the hardest kind ov doubt to in- 
hale) let the publick decide between yu and yure fears. 

The publick have no vanity ; they are az praktical az a lot 
ov surgeons in a dissekting room. 



ANSWERS TO SPICE-BOX CORRESPONDENTS. 



539 



Dont be skared at the criticks neither ; they are like the 
hornets, never sting dead things. 

In conclusion, if yu do succeed in the literary ring, yn will 
find that the goods, which thoze who hav lost, iz a good deal 
like the military coat ov a disbanded lutenant in the late vol- 
unteer service, worth more in the piece than it iz in the coat. 



ANSWEKS TO SPICE-BOX COKKESPOKDENTS. 

Richard. — Your essay on the Moon was taken out of the 
Spice-Box this morning and karefully examined. This moon 

ov yours iz not a 
bad meaning moon, 
but it iz too mutch 
for our department. 
Yu must make the 
essa shorter. "Write 
on the fust quarter 
ov the moon, and we 
will tri to git the 
piece in. We have 
no room for full 
moons. 

Red P ejpper. — 
Yure paper on agri- 
kulturhaz sum good 
things in it, espesh- 
ily whare yu say, 
" the best way tew 
raze beets iz tew 
take holt ov the tops 
and pull gently. " Yu also observe, with grate justness, 
that " watering carrots iz* apt tew reduse them. Thare iz 
logick in theze centiments. Thare iz menny things in yure 
paper on agrikultur that seem tew hav bin born expressly for 




540 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

the Spice-Box collum ; but when yu say that " a mule iz a 
most docile creature," yu kik over the whole thing. I don't 
allow no man tew diktate tew me about the mule. I kno 
their natur just az well az tho i had invented it miself. I 
wouldn't trust a mule's heels under oath ! I raized mules once 
six years for a living, and it came near being the deth ov me. 
They begin tew kik before they are born. I had an old she 
mule once, when i waz farming on the Dickaway Plains, out 
West, that we used tew take up into the timbered lands to gath- 
er chestnuts with. All we had to do waz to bak her up tew a 
tree and set her a kiking, and she wouldn't stop untill she had 
knoked every burr oph from the topmost limbs. 1 hav known 
her tew steal off Sundays, when thare want enny plowing to do, 
and bak herself up to the 2 story school-hous in our naber- 
hood, and knok the martin boxes oph from the gable-end ov 
it with her heels. If yu hadn't called the mule " a most do- 
cile creeture," yu might hav phooled me with the rest ov 
yure essa on agrikultur, for thare iz sum appearances ov truth 
in what yu say on the subjekt, espeshly when yu observe 
that "hop vines should be planted 25 foot apart so az tew 
giv them a good chance tew hop ; " and then agin, when yu 
relate that " onions and red peppers are very smart for their 
size." Theze are stubborn fakts that no lover ov truth kan 
dispute, and are valuable for the husbandman to kno. If yu 
will take out ov yure yaper on agrikultur what yu hav sed in 
favor ov the mule, and say yu are sorry for it, and wont do 
so agin, i will publish the ballance in the Spice collum. 

Smoked Beef. — We don't want but little poetry for the 
spice collum, for enny man who kan write poetry that iz 
good kan sell it for a fair price, and kant afford tew giv it 
away. We don't pay for contribushuns to this department, 
in fakt, we hav bin offered munny by contributors tew git 
into it. I am no grate judge ov poetry, i hav only one way 
tew judge ov it, and that may not be a good way. When i 
read a piece ov poetry that sounds so eazy, and so natral, that 
i wonder whi i hadn't writ sumthing jistlike it, more than 15 
years ago miself, i cum tew the konklushun, rite oph, that 



ANSWERS TO SPICE-BOX CORRESPONDENTS. 541 

that iz good poetry. Thare ain't nothing in the literary trade 
that thare iz so few good, journeymen at, az in the poetry de- 
partment. Thare iz plenty of dabsters, for when a man 
don't kno exackly what ails him, he begins tew write poetry 
tew git relief. I hav bin troubled this way miself, but hav 
studdyed the simptoms so much that when i feel it comeing on 
i go out and git wet, or take sum rubarb, aud it lets me alone 
then for a while. But, dear Smoked Beef, don't -dispair 
yure genus may lay in sum other corner ov the litterary gar- 
rett, try yure hand at proze, or history, or writing on human 
happiness, or sumthing ov that sort. Don't be frightened at 
what we say, we are censors only for yure future good, and 
had rather nuss than kondem. 

Sjnnnage. — Yure essa on the Darwinian theory iz too late, 
the subjekt haz received the concurrance ov the most logical 
minds, and every thinking man iz reddy tew bet that man did 
spring from the monkey. It would only bring yu and this 
department into ridikule tew raize enny question on the mat- 
ter now. !Next tew attrakshun ov gravitashun, the art and 
mistery ov sliding down hill on a barrel stave, and the dis- 
kovery ov the multiplikashun table, Darwin's theory iz the 
plum ov the 19th century. I never go near a cage ov mon- 
keys enny more, tew gaze and laff, but tew ponder, and weep, 
and if I waz going into the missionary bizzness, I would go 
whare the monkeys waz the thickest. We all owe our an- 
sesstors our undivided simpathys, and the very least that can 
be sed about the present condishun ov the monkey iz, that 
they are our poor relashuns, and charity begins at hum, and he 
that wont pervide for hiz household iz wuss than an injun. 
Yure essa on the subjekt haz wounded mi pkeelings — rever- 
ence iz one ov mi best holts. If yu will rewrite yure paper, 
and take the bull by the other horns, and go in for Darwin, 
and the monkey, and humin natur, yu shall hav a front pew in 
the Spice-Box collum. 

Dumplings. — I like yure views on Joner and hiz whale, 
but we kant make this department sektarious ; we mean tew 
be hail phello well met, how are yee ! with Methodiss,, Univer- 



54:2 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

saliss, Presbeterian, Episkopall, Katliolik, Unitarian, Mor- 
mon, Hard Shell Babtiss, and all other kind ov doktering. 
Sum readers mite konstrew what you say into a sli hit, and 
we think more ov this collum than we do ov Joner and a 
whole skool ov whales. Our plan iz tew konsult every man's 
opinyun and money but our own. 

Old Cheese. — Yu tell me in yure contribushuns tew the 
Spice Box, that if i like it, i kan hav sum more ov the same 
sort. I like it, but i would like tew kompromize with yu by 
publishing this piece, and then quit. If yu don't like this prop- 
osishun, tell me the best that yu will do. I want to make a 
trade with yu sum how. Let me kno bi return male. We 
kant pay for artikles tew this department — thare aint munny 
enuff in New York to do it. We hav got on hand now 
enuff fust klass correspondence to paper the inside ov every 
trunk that will be manufaktered in Amerika for the next 30 
years. 

Mustard. — The circulashun of the New York Weekly iz 
now over three hundred and twenty-five thousand each week, 
and is growing like ah el thy baby. leant tell yu whether the 
paper iz in want ov enny more paid contributors or not. ' If 
yu address the proprietors, yu kan find out. I am not at 
liberty to tell yu what price I get for writing for the New 
York Weekly — all i kno iz that I receive more money than 
I know what to do with. I think some ov buying a saw mill or 
a drove ov sheep, with mi surpluss, i dont kno whitch. I 
would be glad to answer all yure other questions, and the 
fust wet day that cums I will. If yu ever cum to New 
York, call at the office ov the New York Weekly — the 
proprietors are always pleased tew see their friends. I kant 
promise yu that they will giv yu an audience ov three or four 
hours, or offer yu the hospitalitys ov the city, but yu kan de- 
pend upon politeness on the haff shell. 

" GdbrielP — Excentricity duz not necessarily imply genius, 
but it iz quite common to see men who are top-heavy with 
brains travel zigzag in the common walks ov life. 

Thare iz sum people who put excentricity on for effekt. 
This iz full az ridikulous az playing drunk. 



ANSWERS TO SPICE-BOX COliSESFONDENTS. 543 

An exeentrik man iz frequently az amuzing in Liz way ov 
doings az a bobtailed kite in the air. 

It dont add tew enny man's lieft to be odd, or awkward, 
and thoze wlio are really amikted with it would be glad to 
swap it opb for sumthing easier 

It often happens that excentricity iz courted with twice the 
labour it would take to do things az others do them. 

Excentricitys being the toadstools that crop out occasion- 
ally upon the surface ov the man ov tallent, and being mutch 
eazier to photograph than the valuable things that he iz mas- 
ter ov, we find plenty ov immitators ov oddness who probably 
hav just genius enuff to be precise in their manners, but none 
to waste on excentricity. 

Permit me, Gabriel, to wind up by making the following 
remarks : 

When i see a large crowd gathered in the streets, around 
one man who haz got sumthing new to show, then i say to 
miself that sumthing iz a going on that aint true, for I have 
found all noveltys generally to be frauds. 

The vices that destroy a people are alwus born amung the 
perlite, and the virtews that reinstate them cum from the 
humbler classes. 

We should be kerful how we play the monkey ; if we are 
a good monkey once, we hav alwus got to be a monkey. 

The men who kan make others laff the most, are generally 
light lafFers themselfs, on the same principle that undertakers 
dont make good mourners at a phuneral. 

" Give me neither poverty nor ritches," but a little ov one, 
and a good deal ov the other. 

" Jake" — Peakoks don't appear, upon cluss scrutiny, to be 
ov enny vital importance, to themselves nor ennybody else, 
just now. We read in the old books that the wife of Jupiter, 
quite often appeared on the boulevard, at mount Ida, with 
peakoks in dubble harness to a skeleton, this wuz undoubt- 
edly so, but y\\ must reckolekt that peakoks, like everything 
else, have grown weaker, if not wizer 

Az a means ov diet, peakoks are not good, if they am, it iz 



544 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

a profound sekret, known only tew a few. They are alto- 
gether too good-looking to be worth much, huty haz made 
them useless, it often works so, but buty iz worth more to a 
peakok than to ennyboddy else, take the buty awl out ov 
them, and what iz left wouldn't bring more than 15 dollars. 

Thefemail peakok haz a sad and lonesum demeanour; they 
look and ackt az though they had bin brought up and edu- 
kated just to admire their handsum husbands. 

Thareiz one unfortunate fakt that i hav noticed aiming the 
animal and bird creashun, and that iz, the men all outstyle the 
wimmin, and keep them under their thumbs. "What a muss 
this would raize in the human family. 

The grate buty ov the peakok himself iz in hiz postcript. 
This he kan lift up perpendikler, and spred like a flower-bed. 

But when yu kum right down tew aktual arithmetik, one 
peakok in a township iz enuff capital for the whole popula- 
shun, and he aint ov enny more account, pretty soon, than 
the cirkus bills on the butt-end ov a barn, the next day after 
the performance iz over. 



LETTEES. 

Jake. — Man's moral and phisikal life iz made up ov bye 
laws, and constitushun, and if he will take good kare ov the 
by laws the constitushun will take kare ov itself. 

The fewer bye laws a man haz, the better, only hav them 
good, and see to it that they are well executed. 

I kno ov lots ov men who are all bye laws, and no consti- 
tushun, and then agin i kno ov sum men who are all constitu- 
shun, and no bye laws. 

If i kant hav but one, give me the constitushun. 

John. — Flattery iz a very powerful stimulant, but its grate 
strength lays in being delikately administerd. 

Thare iz sum men who will take it az they do hasty puddin 
and milk, just gap, and swallow. 



LETTERS. 



545 



Honest flattery stans in the same relashun tew just praze 
that interest duz tew money. 

Every man iz entitled tew the interest on his munny, and 
7 per cent ov flattery wont hurt enny man who iz honestly 
entitled tew the principal. 

Flattery alwus makes a wize man humble and kerful, but 
it haz the same effek on a phool that a band ov urasik haz on 
a plough boss, the fust time he hears it. 

A/mos. — Doktors are not all quaks, yu havgot rong no shuns 
about this. 

Doktors. lawyers, and ministers, hav a hard row tew ho, 
they hav tew deal with the kredulity, knavery, and fears ov 
the people, three ov the most diffikult traits in human natur 
tew handle. 

If i waz a dokter, and understood mi bizzness, i should 
doJctar my pashunts, 
and let the dissease 
take kare ov itself. 

More folks are 
kured this way than 
enny other. 

1 1 aint mute h 
trubble tew doktor 
sick folks, but tew 
doktor the well ones 
iz bothersum. 

If i waz a lawyer i 
would — quit the bizz- 
ness the fust good 
chance i got. 

If i waz a minister, 
and had tew preach 
the gospel tew mi 
people, whoze relig- 
ion, nine tenths ov them, waz the result ov their fears, and 
who want willing tew giv me but four hundred and fifty 
dollars a vear. (half store pav, and the rest after harvest) i 
35J 




flfiiUBBi 



546 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

should resiglin mi charge, and enter that field az a missionary. 

Enoch. — Thare iz nothing more wuss, tew a young man, 
just commencing tew slide down the hill ov life, than too 
mntch inkredulity. 

It iz better tew larn wisdum bi experience than bi precept, 
and inkredulity iz the child ov precept ; thare iz grate risk in 
being wize before our time. 

When i see a yung man who iz suspicious ov every thing 
he sees, i think he wants more watching than one who aint 
afraid ov nothing. 

Suspicion aint app tew make a man wize, but it haz made 
sum dredful kunning kritters. 

Cunning and innosense dont gro on the same bush very 
plenty, but if they do, one ov them iz the thorns, and the 
other the flowers. 

Luther. — Thare iz 2 things in this world pesky hard to do, 
and suit yure customers, one iz keeping a distrikt skool, and 
the other iz, being a mother in law. 

Enny man, or woman, who kan keep a distrikt skool, and 
giv general satisfackshun, aint good for nothing. 

A good distrikt skoolmaster iz like an undertaker, dreaded 
bi every boddy. 

It takes a smart woman tew be a successful mother in 
law. 

I dont think from what i kan learn, that this iz a good 
year for mothers in law, i hear a good deal ov komplaint about 
them.' 

Thare iz only one way tew suckceed in the mother in law 
bizzness, and that iz, dont run after yure children, but keep 
back, and let them hunt for yu. 

Good mothers in law dont liv mutch nearer than 15 miles 
ov their children, and alwus let the children do the heft ov 
the visiting. 

Mathew. — If the yung lady, whom yu are towing up 5th 
Avenue, meets one ov her previous beaus, and she wants tew 
hav a few words with him, it is hily butiful in yu tew step 
around the korner, and let the conversashun take place. 



LETTERS. 547 

Thare iz no statue law kompelling yu to do this, but it 
shows grate powers ov endurance in yu. 

When the young lady jines yu agin, and yu ask her what 
the talk waz about, she will tell yu, that he wanted tew borro 
five dollars. 

This will undoubtedly be the truth. 

Moses. — The world iz gitting awful wicked and korrupt. 

Thoze tender stanza, " Mary had a little lam," haz been ov 
late ridikuled bi poets who dont kno lam from mutton. 

It wont be long, at this rate, before sum retch, more pro- 
fane than the rest, will cum out with an Ode, offering tew bet 
10 dollars that Mary didn't never hav enny little lam at all, , 
nor nothing. 

By and by, i expekt sum malignant kuss will pitch into 
"Old Hundred," and "Windsor," and " Greenlands icy 
Mountain," and sich like, dear old gems ov our infancy. 

When ridikule gits tew be so common, that it takes the 
place ov philosophy, amung sensible people, and even iz en- 
couraged amung phools, it iz a sure sighn that morality iz 
trieing tew go down hill, without enny britching. 

Mark. — Yu say yu are about tew begin life, and want tew 
begin right, and yu ask me how tew do it. 

First, az to yure religion, mi advice iz, that yu adopt aleetle 
to a time. 

Commence with this, " do unto others az yu would hav them 
do unto yu." 

After yu hav got this well larnt, i will giv yu another dose. 

The grate trubble with nu beginners iz, they undertake 
tew raize more religion than they kan lift, and the konse- 
quentz iz, they git diskouraged, and loze their grip. 

To mutch religion iz the wust thing in the world tew lift. 

As for polotix keep out ov them, az a bizzness, yu kant be 
a suckcessful polytician, in 'Nu York citty, unless yu keep a 
grocery, and sell rum bi the drink. 

A man mite az well undertake tew make money with a toll 
gate, in the center ov a 50 aker lot, that want fenced in, az 
tew suckceed in pollytiks, in Nu York citty, without enny^ 
grocery. 



548 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Az for the bizzness yu intend tew f oiler, enny thing that iz 
honest, iz honorabel, but i wouldn't be a hoss jockey, for i 
dont kare how pius a man iz, swopping hosses will make him 
kareless. 

In reference tew gitting marrid, i hav got but one rule for 
that, which dont vary, " Marry Yung, and marry for Iua) /" 

This will win seven times out ov ten, and the other three 
times are respektable blunders tew make. 



JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS. 

DEAR Joe. — Your letter came by the last mail, and 
brought with it menny thoughts ov that sunny time 
when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill together. Yu 
ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate 
one for a third party to mix in with ; but yu are aware that I 
am not very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opin- 
ion, espeshily when invited to do it. I consider advise gen- 
erally wasted, and most sure to be when given upon the mat- 
ter in question, but i hav a large stock ov it on hand, and 
shan't miss what i devote to you. 

By awl means, Joe,, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. 
Don't stand shivering on the bank ; but pich in and stick 
yure head under, and the shiver iz awl over. Thare aint 
enny more trick in gitting marrid, after yu are reddy, than 
there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood shivver- 
ng on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect 
tew marry an angel ; the angels hav awl been picked up long 
ago. Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry 
for buty excloosively ; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and 
thaws dredful eazy. Don't marry for garments ; dry good 
are uncommon deceptibus ; they are like the feathers on a 
blue-jay — pick oph the feathers, and thare aint nothing left. 
Don't marry for munny ; munny may make yu respectabel 
but kan't make yu horniest nor happy. Don't marry excloo- 



JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS F1UENDS. 549 

sively for luv neither ; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for 
nothing when the fuel gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let 
the mixtur be : sum buty, becumingly dressed, with about 225 
dollars in her pocket ; a good speller, handy and neat in the 
house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and by laws, 
small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, and 
a warm heart ; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. 
This mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. 
If the cork happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, 
the strength aint awl gone. 

Joe, for heaven's sake ! dont marry for pedigree, thare 
aint much in pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock ; 
a family, with nothing but pedigree, generally lacks sense, 
they are like a kight with tew much tail, if they would only 
take oph sum ov the tail, they mite possibly git up, but 
they are always tew illustrious to take off any tail. 

Let me hear from yu again Joe soon. 

But mi dear fellow dont be afrade, wedlok iz az natral az 
milk, but in course thare iz sum difference in milk, about 
highsting cream, but there iz one thing that dont vary, and 
that iz, awl milk tew have the cream rize good, and keep 
sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be rousted up tew 
often. 

Dont be an olde bachelor ; lonesum, and selfish, crawling 
out ov yure hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, 
and then backing into it again, late every night, suspicious 
and suspected. 

I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show win- 
dow, or a tin weather cock, on the ridge pole of a female 
seminary, az a lonesum bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity 
ov the land. 

Jeremiah. — Dont confuse learning and wisdum ; thare iz 
jist az mutch difference between them az thare iz between fruit 
,that iz raized in a hott-house and that which ripens out doors, 
smiled upon bi the sun, and shook up by the wind and the 
storm. 

When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team. 



550 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Wisdum being natrally the stougktpst, takes learning up in 
its arms, and learning points out the shortest road tew take ; 
the j. work together az handy az a pair ov twin oxen. 

If a man kant hay but one, he better hav the wisdum, for 
wisdum iz alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its 
strength ; while learning must hav jist sich a spot tew work 
in, and jist sich a way tew do it in. 

Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, 
while learning iz a pigmy, whoze knoweledge makes him 
feared. 

But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov 
them. 

Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by 
studdy. 

Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the 
natur ov tallent. 

But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you 
and me tew phool with. We had better spend our loose mo- 
ments in finding out the best way tew raize beans, and the 
best market tew take them to. 

P.S. — I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az 
mutch learning in the world az thare iz wisdum. 

And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not 
know mutch, just az he may hav a great deal ov strength, 
and not know the best holts. 



AUTOGBAEF LETTEBS. 



Dear Sam : Thare never waz a good and reliable critick 
who want a good writer himself, this ackounts for the grate 
number ov criticks, and for the inferiority ov them. 

Josh Bielixgs. 

Dear Dill : Marrid life haz its flip flops, and its flip flams, 
but i hav noticed one thing, out ov the north east corner ov 
my well eye, and it iz this, good hustbands most alwus make 
good wives. Josh Billixgs. 



BOARDING HOUSE PRIVILEGES. 




To have one nabur practizing on the French Horn, 




To have another nabur learning- to smoke. (500) 



AUTOGRAEE LETTERS. 551 

Dear Dave : Amerikans az a lump, are skin deep edukated, 
a daily paper and a tooth pick complete their etliicks, but 
tew fall hed fust out ov a six story windo and strike on their 
feet, tew insure their lives for the benefit ov the widder, and 
then hunt for acksidents, tew build pacifick rale rodes, break 
mules, and convert injuns, they are a sure footed people. 

Amerikans hav menny faults, but most ov them are ov 
their own invenshun, but i never hav seen a native yet that 
yu could hire tew tend a gide board. Josh Billings. 

Dear Dan : Babys are the best gift ov heaven, the devil 
sows tares, but the Lord sows babys. 

A house without a baby in it, iz like a tallo kandle without 
enny wick, it wont light up, the wife iz fastidious, and fret- 
ful, and the husband iz az lonesum and useless az a gander 
aiming a flock ov hen turkeys. Josh Billings. 

Dear Fred : If you are looking for solitude go to a citty. 

Every boddy thare iz bizzy with their own thoughts, cares, 
and plezzures, they haint got the time tew notis even thoze 
who want to be notised, but if yu covet solitude in the kun- 
try yu do it at the risk ov being feared bi some, suspekted bi 
others, and harrassed bi all. 

A man may liv 10 years in Nu York citty and be known 
only to hiz landlady and washwoman, while in a kuntry vil- 
lage he cant liv six months in peace if evry boddy dont kno 
who makes hiz shirts. Josh Billings. 

Dear Frank : Fear is an evidence ov a small inteleckt, and 
tru currage ov a large one. There iz this difference between 
pride and vanity, pride - respekts itself, vanity praizes itself. 
Faith iz not a meek impulse, but a live one ; gen o wine faith iz 
like pepper sass, it knows its own strength and dont nibble, 
but bites. Josh Billings. 

Dear Phil : The most valuable ov awl the household ani- 
mals iz the brindle cow. They are compozed entirely ov vit- 
tles and drink, shoe leather and horn-tooth combs. They 
are the poor man's necessity and the ritch man's luxury. 
They hold the original patent for butter and ice-kream. They 



552 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

are az free from malice az a sister ov charity. Their impor- 
tance don't make them feel big. They are mothers-in-law 
to evry man's baby. If i had the making ov stattews it 
should be a misdemenor tew sass a cow, and tew abuze one, a 
penitentiary offense. Josh Billings. 

Dear Hen : I hav got but one opinyun (nor never had 
but one) about " Wimmins Rights." I think they hav a per- 
feckt right tew be chaste and butiful ; tew be mothers ov 
warriors and statesmen ; tew be the gentlest, purest, sweetest 
and most graceful creatures yet created ; tew be the power 
behind the throne ; tew be a pillo ov down for the aking head 
of man, and a halo ov glory to adorn hiz achievements ; to be 
just what God gave them the rare privilege tew be, compan- 
yuns, friends, sweet-hearts, wives and mothers, first in the 
hearts 'ov man, and last at the polls. Josh Billings. 

Dear Pete : Bad spellin' iz a misfortune, not an accom- 
plishment, and the misfortune iz, that menny folks who don't 
kno enny better, think thare iz humor in it. Thare iz no 
more real humor in spelling twisted than thare iz in looking 
cross-eyed. The man who deliberately kultivates bad spelling 
iz no better than him who sows weeds. I am sorry for what 
bad spells i have passed through, and am sorry for what i 
may pass through hereafter, and would be glad tew quit now, 
for one reason, if no other, and that iz, i don't want tew cater 
to enny man's taste, whoze opinyun i don't respekt. Thoze 
who kant see no humor in what i write, but in the stumuk 
ake twist ov the words, i konsider my friends, jist az mutch 
az thoze who form a ring around a bear, and a alligater, and 
while they hurrah for both, don't acktually care six inches 
which whips. But when a man once puts on the cap and 
bells, no matter whether they bekum him or not, the world 
will insist upon hiz wearing them, however they pretend tew 
regret it. Human natur iz a kurious woven web, and thare 
iz one little malishus thread, away down in in the warp ov it, 
and it iz this — it don't flatter enny ov us tew see a man repent 
ov hiz ghoolishness. Josh Billings, 



SHORT ANSWERS TO LONG LETTERS. 553 

SHOKT ANSWERS TO LONG LETTERS. 

Albert. — The length ov time that a goose kan stan on one 
leg depends entirely upon the natiff endurance ov the goose. 

A good tuff goose, i should think mite do it for 3 weeks bi 
swopping legs ockasionally. 

Frederik. — Injuns kan be civilized once in a while, but it 
knocks at least 20 per cent oph from the value ov injun, 
besides hurting the general reputashun ov the civilizashun. 

Jonathan. — Thare iz a grate menny tite spots in this 
world, and probably the best way tew git out ov them, iz tew 
dig out. 

Thare iz another way tew git out ov them that i kno ov, 
and that iz, to set still, and tire the spot out. 

This requires both pashunce, and judgment. 

A tite spot iz a good deal like a mouse-trap, dredful eazy 
tew git into, but unhandy tew git out ov. 

Tite spots aint like a knot hole, natral, but they are like a 
2 inch auger hole, 
manufakterd. 

Mankind are tew 
blame theirself s for 
ail the tite spots thare 
iz pretty mutch. 

I dont think it hurts 
a man tew git into a 
tite spot once in a 
while, it kind ov givs 
him an idee ov the 
size of the hole he kan 
fill to the best advan- 
tage. 

Sum folks are alwus 
hunting for tite spots, 
and kan moste alwus 
find them, this may 
inkrease their cunning, but it never will inkrease their wisdum. 

Wise men dont hunt for tite spots, they luv easy boots. 




554 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Jerry. — I never was logikal. I never waz a kluss kommun- 
ion thinker. I liav dun all mi thinking on the jump, i al- 
wus shute on the wing, and liav made menny splendid 
misses, but once in a while liav brought down mi animal. 

I never take a rest when i shute, i hav alwus felt az tho thare 
waz more suckcess in missing yure bird on the wing, than 
thare waz in hitting it on the nest. 

But probably this aint so. 

Jim. — Speakin ov lazyness, sets me tew thinkin, that la- 
zyness, must hav bin the condishun ov man, if he had alwus 
lived in the garden ov Eden. 

If Adam had plenty ov jobs on hand, the devil would have 
had a harder job to seduce him. 

Adam would never have bilt enny rale rodes, nor ISTikol- 
sun pavements in the garden ov Eden, nor ever would hav 
bequeathed us enny heathen tew kultivate. 

It iz also true, on the other hand, that he never would hav 
wore enny tite boots, nor sheet iron collars. 

About the biggest joke thare iz, about the fall of man, iz, 
that he haz larnt how tew " rute hog or di." 

This iz worth, in mi opinyun, very near fust cost. 

Man owes all his suckcess in this world tew the fakt that 
he fell, (the only doubt i hav iz whether man iz a suckcess at 
all.) I sumtimes, in mi sad, wet days, when i do mi solium 
thinking, hav wondered, if it wouldn't hav been just az well, 
when Adam waz falling, if he had fell out ov sight. 

But i flatter miself bi thinking in this way, that the man 
who livs in this world, and duz a good square thing thru life, 
(none of yure 8 hour jobs) haz more tew brag ov, than enny 
ov the angels up in heaven. 

Speaking ov 8 hour jobs, leads me tew remark, that when i 
waz an apprentiss, we put in 12 hours, and if the 8 hour rule iz 
adopted now, i want to know whare i am to look for back pay 
earned. 

I aint opposed to 8 hours a day for the boys, but i dont want 
them tew f orgit, that us old grand dads, shall put in for bak pay. 

Naman. — Wimmin az a lump (bless the dear lumps) don't 
understand humor. 



SHORT ANSWERS TO LONG LETTERS. 555 

The j hav keen appreshiashun ov the grand, the pretty, and 
the sensashnnal, and in all emoshunal matters, such az the 
harte ake, they are queen bees, but when yu cum down tew 
the ribs ov a joke they aint thare, or hav just left. 

Now the whi of this iz thuswise, a bit ov humor lowers 
a thing, or an idee, down tew its real level, in order tew git 
a crack at it, and woman kant bear tew hav a thing lowered 
clown tew its real level, she wants tew elevate a thing above 
its natral level. 

This iz all for the best perhaps, but humor insists in taking 
the pucker strings out ov things, and 'the pucker string, iz 
woman's best holt. 

I dont luv a woman enny the less for this. 

If she lets go ov the pucker string, man would go to, (i 
waz just on the point ov saying, to the devil) but i wont 
say that. 

Thare are a phew aiming the sex who are intense apprecia- 
tes ov humor, and when they are, they are a harp ov 4 thou- 
sand strings. 

A woman clont do enny thing bi installments, when she iz 
tickled, she will bet her best bonnet on ^it, and i dont luv a 
woman enny the less for this neither. 

Belinda.—! hav alwus sed, giv a woman the choice ov 
three men for a hustband, and the chances iz, she will manage 
to looze all three ov them. 

Evryboddy luvs tew drive foor-in-hand better than they do 
a single hoss. 

If yu hav really got three beaux's, thank the Lord for hiz 
kindness, and freeze fast to one ov them to onst. 

The more yu look for perfekshun, the more blemishes yu 
will cum acrost ; and the more suckers yu git into yure net, 
the more yu will hanker for, and the more danger thare iz ov 
the nets bursting and letting awl the fish leak out. 

I kant tell yu which one ov the three fellows yu had better 
snare ; but mi advice iz, to take the one which yu find yure- 
self the most anxious tew pleaze, and to keep on doing so 
after yu are one flesh, and if you ain't a happy pair, yure 
hustband iz simply a mean kuss. 



556 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

JBecms. — Courting iz about half natur and about half 
science. The natur in it iz love, modesty, and faith, and the 
science iz simply energy. 

Yu must begin slow, but by and by it will be best tew agi- 
tate things. 

Wimmin, az a lump, had rather be took by storm than by 
siege. 

Wimmin never surrender, nor are they ever exacktly won 
but rather captured. They " fight it out on this liue." 

I am talking now ov sensible wimmin. 

Thare iz wimmin who are az eazy to court az lint. 

" Luv, at fust sight," iz like eating honey. It duz seem az 
tho yu never could git enuff ov it. 

This kind ov luv iz apt to make blunders, and iz az hard 
tew back out ov az a well. 

But thare ain't no sich thing az pure mathumaticks in 
courting. If it iz awl nature, it iz too innocent for earth ; 
and if it iz awl science, it is too mutch like a job. 

Perhaps the best way to court iz to begin without mutch 
ov enny plan whare yu are going tew fetch up, and see how 
you and she likes it, and then let the thing kind ov worry 
along kareless, like throwing stones into a mill-pond. 

You will find one thing tew be stricktly true, Mr. Beans, 
the more advice you undertake to follow, the less amount ov 
good courting yu will do. 



D 



MAIL MATTEE. 

EAR Skidmore : Yesterday's post brought me your let- 
ter safe and sound, and in repli i will state that i am 
not a member ov enny body else's tempranse sosiety', but i 
am a. tempranse sosiety miself. I am the president, vice, pres- 
ident, clerk, corresponding sekretary, door keeper, lamp- 
lighter, boss, and all hands ov the institushun. 

This sosiety waz formed about forty years ago, and haz but 
one member, and that's me. 



MAIL MATTER. 



557 



I liav got a set ov bi laws and constitushnn that cant be 
beat nor tired out. 

I often hav sum applikashuns from outsiders tew jine mi 
consern, but i invariably tell them that just as soon az a va- 
kansy occurs, they may come in. 

I don't run opposishun tew ennyboddy else's tempranse so 
siety — i wish them all well — mi motto iz : " i mean tew liv, 
and i hope everyboddy else means to ditto. 

Rum. and the devil are the only two individuals that i aktu- 
ally hate, and won't be polite to, if we kan beat theze two 
kritters it iz jist az eazy tew liv and be happy, az it iz tew eat 
molassis kandy and swing on a gate. 

Remember me, dear Skiddy, tew yure wife, and children, 
yure aunts and neaces, yure unkles, and yure mother-in-law, 
and beleave me solid, az one man, on the tempranse issew. 

Dear Smiley: 
Yu ask me what i kno 
about elephants, 
and i am glad tew 
state that i don't kno 
but little about them. 
Barnum, the grate 
primatiff slioman, 
tried one a fu years 
ago, on hiz farm at 
Bridgeport, and he 
told me (sub rosa) 
that he want a suk- 
cess ov enny definite 
magnitude ackordin 
tew hiz size. 

He said he couldn't 
raze enuff on hiz 
farm tew feed and 
clothe the elephant, and that he spilt everything he stepd on 
for life. 

He also sed it took 75 tons ov koal tew keep him hot in 
the winter. 




558 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Mr. Barnum sez that the elephant iz the most unprofitable 
masheen tew plough out korn that he ever tried, for lie kant 
turn round in a 10 aker lot, without knoking down 7 and one 
half akers oy korn and also 2 hundred yards oy picket fence. 

Mr. Barnum also admitted tew me that 75 per cent oy the 
Elephant's strength waz wasted, bekauze he couldn't use it. 

Mr. Barnum furthermore told me (strikly confidenshall) 
that the grate moral value, and munny, oy the elephant kon- 
sisted in being looked at in a tent, at 50 cents a site for able 
boddied pholks, children haff price, infants in arms gratui- 
tuss, provided they wasn't twins, front seats cushioned and 
reserved for the ladys, and no sticking pins into the elephant 
allowed: 

What Mr. Barnum don't kno about elephants won't pay 
enny man tew hunt up. 

Mr. Barnum haz seen the elephant oftner than enny man 
in Amerika. 

Dear Sttjugiss : Pizon iz good for rats, but what rats are 
good for i kant tell. 

The rat iz a handy insekt, and kanliv enny whare that- man 
kan liv. 

They will eat enny thing that they kan find, and they kan 
find enny thing that ain't lost forever. 

The rat iz a kunning kritter untill he gits ketched, and 
then (just az it iz with a man) hiz kunning looks dredful 
phoolish. 

Kunning iz an accomplishment tew the animil kingdom, but 
kunning in a man should never be mistaken for wisdum. 

A wize man never resorts tew kunning, enny more than a 
sound man resorts tew a krutch. 

Dear Seymour : A hoss jockey iz a man who luvs a hoss 
for the fraud thare iz in him. 

He would rather cheat hiz own father in a hoss trade than 
not swap with him. 

He will swop a good hoss for a poor one, and pay the dif- 
ference, rather than not trade at all. 

He hangs around the village tavern, like ahiwayman, looking 
out for a dikker. 



MAIL MATTER. 559 

He will spend more time in swopping an IS dollar boss 
for one that ain't worth enny more, than it would take tew 
ho ont an aker and a quarter ov pertatoze. 

He talks hoss all day in the street, goes home, talks hoss 
till bed time, and then talks hoss, and rolls over in hiz sleep 
haff the nite. 

He chews more tobacco, drinks more whiskee, and swares 
oftner than enny man in the township. 

If he stiks tew the bizness long enuff he gits so he kant 
tell the truth about nothing, and when he dies, hiz assetts 
will just about pay an undertaker's and an auctioneer's fee. 

Dear Sawyer : In answer tew yure letter i will inform yu 
that the aktual circulashun ov the Xew York Weekly iz 
three hundred and forty-two thousand copies each week. 

Francis S. Street and Francis S. Smith are the sole owners 
and editors ov the paper, and they pay each year eighty thou- 
sand dollars tew their kontributors. 

The paper iz without doubt the best paying literary journal 
in Amerika, and its immense circulashun iz one ov the best 
evidences that kan be offered to prove that the matter in the 
paper iz unsurpassed. 

Your other questions in reference to the paper I am not at 
liberty to answer. 

Dear Stevexs : Mi opinyun ov " Wimmin's Rights " iz, 
that the dear creatures will do jist about az they hav a mind 
to, whether it iz right or not. 

Just now the dear creatures are anxious tew git hold ov 
the rudder ov affairs and run the masheen, but they will soon 
see the pholly and impossibility ov this, and fall bak into the 
ranks whare they belong. Divine Providence made man the 
capting, and tho he often may be a poor one, no one but the 
power that appointed him can supersede. 

But this iz a delikate subjekt for me to talk about, for I 
hav bin marrid now about 30 years and haint received my 
commission yet. ]\Ii wife sez i make a fust rate lutenant and 
she knows. 

I would like tew be kapting ov our tug for twenty-four 
hours, just tew see how it did make a pheller pheal. 



560 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

Dear Strong : I hav no ear for musik, but i luv it, bekaiize 
i kant help it. 

I luv tu arrive at sum kuntry hotel, tired, and amiable, and 
hav the musician ov the house start incontinently and mount 
the stool at once, and commense tew maul the keys ov sum 
old boney pianner. 

The artist ov the occashun iz sumtimes the landlord's son — 
useless for ennything else — a semi-tyrant in the family, lazy, 
just bekauze he knows how tew abuze an old, worn-out 
mahogany instrument, that Matters az tuneless az a pedlar's 
kart ov tin-ware, running away, with a blind boss. 

Sumtimes the artist iz the dauter of the hous, just hum 
from her fust and last quarter at sum nabring f email akademy, 
and then we hav opera musik, accompanied bi her bewitch- 
f ul voice, which reminds one of a plaintive wild kat wooing 
sum other kussid kat in the top ov a gum tree. 

I do luv this kind ov musik ; it fires up mi soul, it hights 
up my spirit, it thaws oph mi ears, like the liquid sweetness 
ov a kracked dinner gong or the tender effushions ov a wood 
sawyer filing up hiz saw. 

I hav bin told bi good judges if i would kultivate mi ear i 
would learn how tew luv this pertikular kind ov musik, and 
i serpose also, if i would kultivate mi palate i would learn how 
to appreshiate biled krow. 

But i persume i shall be just az happy if i don't never kno 
how biled kro duz handle for vittles. 

Dear Susan : Yu tell me in yure letter that yure lover haz 
been kluss attentiv for two years, and yu aint enny nearer 
bliss than yu waz when yu begun. 

This iz pesky bothersum. 

Thare aint no law nor gospel tew make a phello pop the 
question who aint on the pop, nor thare aint no science neither 
that won't vary. 

Science never ought to be resorted to only in desprate kases, 
but whare kourting bekums kronick, it iz allowable. 

No man haz a right tew kourt forever, i be darned if he 
haz. 



PETS. 561 

I hav no doubt that kourting everages pliull az happy az 
gitting marrid, but we hav got, in this world, tew take the 
bitter with the sweet. 

Dear Susan, after yu hav exhausted all maidenly and hon- 
est efforts try melankolly — try histeriks — try a dekline, try 
going tew yure unkle's for a fornite and see if yure phello 
will phollo — talk about the other world, (i don't mean Eurupp, 
but whare the weary are at rest) — try sich like things. 

If all theze things don't phetch a krisis and make the kittle 
bile, the last and only hope iz tew start a counter irritant in 
the shape ov another phello. 

If yu kant make yure lover jelous drop him like a kold per- 
tato ; he aint worth trieing tew warm up. 

If he ever marrys yu it will be bekause he kant think ov 
enny thing else to do, and iz entirely out ov a job. 

Pardon the sincerity ov mi advice, dear Susan, and do jist 
az yu pleaze in the premisess. Adew. 

Dear Smiggins : I kant tell yu what will make yure mus- 
tash gro ; suppoze yu tri lamp-ile ; if that don't sprout it sup- 
poze yu tri a poultiss ov tan bark ; if that don't jerk it sup- 
poze yu buy a ticket in sum gift lottery ; and if that don't 
draw suppoze yu let it alone and go tew kultivating yure 
branes. 

I hav knu yung men tew make a mark this way in the 
world who hadn't enny mark on their upper lip. 
36J 



PETS. 

THAEE iz lots ov people who die ov old age, and haint 
got nothing else tew show that they hav ever lived. 

A lazy man iz a living corpse. 

It iz a brave man who iz willing tew die when hiz fortin 
iz at the highest. 

Life tew the mass ov mankind iz no better than entering 
the front door, and going out at the back door, and slamming 
the door behind them. 

The chances are that he who iz anxious tew live hiz life 
over again, iz the very one who haz spent it foolishly, and 
probably would do it again. 

I perfektly abhor det, and i wish everyboddy else did. ' 

I never waz in det more than fifteen minnits in mi life 

None but the ill-bred ridikule the pekuiiaritys ov others^ 

A covetous man iz alwuss kontriving how he kan cheat 
himself out ov sumthing more. 

Most people are honest for the sake ov keeping others 
honest. 

What chastity iz tew virtew, credit iz tew reputashun. 

A cunning man iz aiwuss anxious tew cheat .sum one else 
— a wize man iz satisfied if no one else cheats him. 

Deference iz dumb flattery. 

Thare iz 2 kinds ov kuriosity ; one prompts a person tew 
find out things bekauze they are sekret, the other bekauze 
they may be useful. 

562 



PETS. 563 

Idle kuriosity iz a moral itch. 

All things that we need, we kan eazily git. 

It iz diskreshun, after all, that makes a man's ackomplish- 
ments and kapacity valuable — Ajax had the strength ov a 
bull, and acted like one. 

We are all dissatisfied with our condishun, but if each one 
ov us should change places with our nabor, we should want 
tew swop back tommorow. 

Elegant ackomplishments may make a woman admired bi 
the world, but it iz the domestik virtews that endear her tew 
her hussband. 

All knolledge that duz not inkrease a man's virtew makes 
him the more dangerous. 

Two enemies to one friend iz about the rite dose tew make 
a man sukcessful. 

Mankind make most all the ackcidents that happen. 

Thare are but phew men who kan influence others bi pre- 
cept, but there are none but what can do it bi example. 

The only sensible time tew be happy iz now) the grate 
bulk of humanity are going tew be happy week after next. 

Thare iz only one way tew tell the truth, but thare iz up- 
ward ov 75 ways tew tell the same lie. 

Epitaffs hav made more people famous than virtew ever 
haz. 
. Fashion iz munny invested in clothes. 

It iz just az eazy tew pull up a weed bi the rutes az it iz 
tew kut it oph — so it iz az eazy tew remove a vice az tew kor- 
rekt it. 

A flatterer alwus pretends tew be yure friend, and he 
duz resembei one, but he iz really no more like one than a 
hornet iz like a hunny bee. 

A naff bred man and a haff learned one are wuss oph than 
a clown or a phool. 

Two-thirds of the pitty in this world iz nothing more than 
a sekret satisfakshun that sumboddy is wuss oph than we 
are. 

I kno ov people who, when they do yu a favor, do it just 



564 VARIETY. 

az an old bull tarrier lets you pass in front ov hiz master's 
door, — with a growl. 

It iz only the hily eddikated and the very "best bred people, 
that kan be familiar with each other, "familiarity breeds 
Icontemjpt" amung the haff breeds- 

The wheel ov Fortune iz alwuss on the move, and we often 
lose to-morrow what we win to-day. 

I hav alwuss notissed that thare iz a grate deal ov good 
luk in industry, and a grate deal ov bad luk in lazyness. 

It iz az rare tew find a true friend az it iz a dimond that 
has no flaw, and isn't oph culler. 

He who iz every boddy's friend haint got time tew be enny 
boddys. 

Thare iz no true friendships amung loafers and skalawags, 
thare iz only intimicys. 

Thare iz no man living now days that kan tell the world 
enny thing new, the very best that a modern writer kan do 
iz tew shine up old things. 

Solomon, seven thousand years ago, after plundering from 
thoze who had written before him, laments " that thare iz 
nothing nu under the sun" 

When I hear a man say " that he has got no friends," I 
kum tew the konklusion, rite oph, that he don't deserve 
enny. 

Don't tri tew make a friend out ov a weak man, it iz like 
trieing tew carry water in a sieve. 

One rezon whi happiness is so skarse in this world iz be- 
kause most people mistake plezzure for happiness. 

Trew generosity konsists in giving what you kan afford to 
thoze who deserve it. 

Mi yung friend, look out for them men who shut up one 
eye, and talk to yu with the other. 

Happiness seems to consist in — wanting nothing. 

Health will bring munny, but munny won't bring health. 

We may gro wizer az we gro older, but we never gro 
better. 

Thare iz this difference between honest v and honor — 



PETS. 



00^> 



man's karakter, honor supports hiz 



he iz az dark inside az an 



honesty supports a 
reputashun. 

When hope dies in a man 
old tin lantern, whoze 
kandel haz gone out. 

A fop iz a konseited 
ass, impudent and 
brainless. 

Idleness iz one ov 
sin's brothers, and 
both are the devil's 
children. Death iz the 
only sure kure for la- 
ziness, and it takes a 
good deal ov that. 

I hav been hunting 
for the last seven 
years tew find out 
when mankind were 
comparatively virteu- 
ous, and i find that it 
waz just after the flood. 

I think a man should hav a leetle vinegar in hiz disposi- 
shun, just enuiF tew keep the flies off. 

If every one could follow their own inklinashun, pretty 
soon thare wouldn't be but one fellow left in the world, and 
he would be hunting for some one tew praktiss hiz inklina- 
shun on. 

A phool iz like a hornet, he iz jist az like tew sting a friend 
az a pho. 

Man seems to be a budget ov habits. All our vices and 
all our virtews are habits. 

If men never cheated themselfs, it would be next tew im- 
possible for enny one else tew do it. 

I never yet fished for a kompliment, but what i kaught a 
gudgeon — served me right. 

The modern interpretashun of the celebrated maxim, "hno 
thyself" iz, " mind your own bizzness." 




566 VARIETY. 

Tap sorrow with a good honest laff and it will all run 
out. 

A suspicious man iz alwuss an ignorant and generally a 
lazy one. 

The man who i dispize the most, iz the one who iz alwuss 
a hunting for a law suit ; he iz allmost az mean az the one 
who iz anxious tew marry a woman for her munny. 

The world iz phull ov punishments for vice, but the rewards 
for virtew are phew. 

The most ridikilus sight i kno ov iz a lazy man in a hur- 
ry. He iz az phull ov bizzness az a loafing pissmire when the 
clouds betoken a storm. 

Men are strong just in proporshun az they kan do one 
thing well, and weak just in proporshun that they kan do 
menny things indifferently. 

He that luvs little children cannot be a very bad man. 

About all that we kan say ov most men iz that they are 
.lively dirt. 

What little i kno ov other people, i hav found out by 
studdying miself . 

Good manners is simply good natur polished up brite. 

Marriage iz a lottery (authorized bi the State) in which 
every one iz suppozed tew draw a prize. 

A competency may be defined az the amount a man iz com- 
petent tew git. 

Fame, tew a ded man, iz ov just about az mutch importanse 
az a legacy. 

It iz the want ov merit that makes a man bashful, and it iz 
too mutch merit that makes him modest. 

One ov the gratest plezzures in this life, iz to hav plenty 
to do, and then do it. 

Ov the two, i had rather see an old horse that haz got kon- 
siderable ov the colt, than to see a colt with too mutch, old 
horse in him. 

Genuine oratory iz simplicity ; but it iz simplicity wrought 
out with the highest art. 

A pedant iz a party who haz found out, somehow, that 2 



DEDBEAT, AND HIS FKIENDS. 567 

and 2 make four, and iz alwuss anxious tew impress every 
one he meets with the importanse and solemnity of the 
pkakt. 

Tew be able tew treat pholks with familiarity, and still 
retain their respekt, iz sum pumpkins. 

Philosophy seems tew be the art oy taking all things just 
az they cum, and when they git reddy tew go, let them went, 
without any phuss. 

If a man drops an orange peel on the sidewalk, " shoot him 
on the spot ! " 



DEDBEAT, AND HIS EKIEjSTDS. 

THE deadbeat is an individual who trades upon another 
persons capital. 
They are common to all grades ov society, from the seedy 
loafer, klear up tew the sanktified gentleman, with a standing 
kut collar, and a nekti stiff and white as perfekshun. 

Sumtimes they liv entirely upon their necessitys, and at 
others, seem tew praktiss the profeshun more tew display the 
eleganse ov their genius than for enny thing else. 

They are possessed ov every grade of kapacity, from no 
branes at all, to more than they kno what to do with. 

They occupy a posishun a leetle'more respektabel than a 
kommon thief, and a good deal less respektabel than a hiway- 
man. 

The dedbeat, in point of average humanity iz the meanest, 
and the mdst debilitated, ov all the scum that rizes tew the 
surface ov sosiety. 

They work harder tew make themselfs detested than they 
would hav to, to be respekted bi every boddy. 

They hav no friends that they wont defraud, and ar az 
mutch a terror tew others, and a kalamity tew themselfs, as 
a mad dog- at large. 

They liv upon the disasters and kredulitys ov human natur, 
and tho more dastardly at heart than a common pickpocket, 



568 VARIETY. 

often liv out a whole life bi the force ov their genius with no 
wus a stain than a doubtful reputashun. 

Thare aint no artifice nor philosophy that will protekt us 
from the low kimning and brazen impudense ov the dedbeat. 

He iz a nitemare and a walking pestilence at noon-tide. 

He works hiz way into the konfidense ov others az slimy 
az a snaik, and when he gits thare dont hesitate tew feed upon 
the most rare and sakred fruits he kan find. 

He iz a kommon enemy that every one abhors 3 and no one 
kan protekt himself against. 

The ruff tyranny ov a bully, the koarse overreachings ov a 
blatant knave, the refined fraud ov an open villain, the krush- 
ing defeat ov a bold operator at worst, oftimes often wounds 
our vanity, or awakes our suprise, but the sneaking dedbeat 
whoze grate ambishun seems tew be a loafer in petty plunder 
always excites our horror and arouzes our feelings ov ven- 
geance. 

The dedbeat iz a human hyena who hunts the helpless liv- 
ing, and digs up the buried ded, he iz lost to all shame upon 
earth, and to all salvashun hereafter. 

The wolf iz one ov the meanest specimens ov animated 
natur, but when he puts on a sheep's clothing he robs himself 
ov hiz own courage and steals a weakness to hide a filthy 
wickedness in. 

All men abhor the dedbeat ; lie iz lower down than the 
angle-worm, who burrows in the ground and feeds upon dirt. 

Thare ain't no man upon earth but what haz been sumtime 
beat bi theze morbid vermin. They are the lice ov Egipt, 
and the murrain of old. 

They cum upon yu in yure sad and tender moments with 
the stealthy tred ov a bed-bug. In yure hour ov triumph 
they stand reddy tew steal yure laurels, and when despair 
envelops yu like a kloud, they discover the signal from afar, 
and cum trooping up, like the nasty buzzard, tew fatten upon 
the corpse. 

Thare aint no retorik vivid enuff to paint theze devils, 
. only in water colors. Thare aint no anathemas that can 



THE SHYSTER. 



569 



reach to the bitterness of truth. Thare aint no logick that 
kan make them see themselfs as others see them. 

The dedbeat livs out hiz days, the only kreature we kno 
ov, without any konskunce, and never tew feal the impulse 
o\ T a manly hope. 

He dies finally, and goes whare the virtewous dont, for he 
kant, with all his maliss and kunning, beat death nor the 
devil. 

THE SHYSTEE. 

The shyster iz a loose cross between the Jeremy Didler 
and the dedbeat, and iz more particularly known az a cheap 
lawyer, who hangs around the arenas of justiss, a pest tew all 
who know him, and a downright misfortin tew thoze who 
dont. 

He iz alwuss on hand tew help the unfortunate out ov one 
disaster into a wuss one, and dont hesitate tew take the last 
shilling ennybody haz got, as pay for services that he knows 
he kant render. 

He is a vehement liar and a prating cheat, all decent law- 
yers dispize him, and a judge drecls him as he duz a drove 
ov hungry flies in a hot and fetid court-room. 

A shyster iz a kind of yello dog arming humans, sneaking 
around the korners for a bone. 

He knoze just enuff about law tew git a man into its 
meshes, but never enufc tew git him out, and never got a fee 
yet that hadn't the smell ov dishonor in it. 

He never gits abuv a shabby gentility in hiz appearance, 
and would make a very good walking advertizement to parade 
in front ov a second-hand clothing consarn. 

The shyster is alwuss az poor az he iz dishonest, and when 
he gits old and fairly gone to seed, it takes all the kunning 
he iz master ov tew git hiz klam soup, and hiz ockashunal 
luxury ov cheap whisky. 

I kno sevral ov this infamous breed of kritters ; I kan kail 
up tew mi vishion at enny time their shiny blak suits, their 
unlighted stumps ov cigars, their kold, glassy eyes, their 
pinched cheeks and their general hungryness. 



570 



VARIETY. 



If i waz in a tite spot, and must have help, i had mutch 
rather meet a highwayman than one of theze wretches. 
Hiwaymen are often generous, have been known tew* be 

tender, seldum are 
mean, but a shyster iz 
I) ' certainly the most bitter 

=pl ov all blisters. 

THE SHINNER. 

The shinner iz a 
phello being who haz 
too mutch capasity for 
hiz- condishun. 

He duz all that he duz 
on the run, and iz alwuss 
just 15 minnits too late. 
He iz a grate pest, 
just bekauze he iz kare- 
less, but honest; if he 
waz only dishonest they 
could shake him. He iz 
generally honest enuff, 
but iz no grate credit tew the principle. 

Thare are but phew who work harder than the shinner, 
and none who hav less in the end to show for it. 

The shinner iz az untiring az the hound on trak. He iz 
alwuss in sight ov the fox, but never cums up with him ; if 
he duz, it iz to find that the game haz holed, and he iz left 
out in the kold. 




MEETING A HIGH-WAYMAN. 



BKED AND BUTTEK.. 



HE who dont keep hiz sekret iz unwize, but he who trusts 
hiz happiness tew another iz a downright phool. 
This haz alwus bin the rule, and alwus will be — no man 
iz grate unless he iz good. 



BRED AND BUTTER. 571 

Thare iz more weak men in this world than thare iz wicked 
ones. 

I luv tew see a leetle dash ov coquetry in a woman ; it iz 
kind ov natral tew them, and then it makes a man less afrade 
ov them, and at the same time more polite. 

The man who knows how and when tew ackt knows enuff. 

Manner iz more powerfull than matter — espeshily in a 
monkey. 

Gravity iz a kind ov misterious wisdnm. 

Fine writing konsists in gitting the most thought into the 
shortest and simplest form. 

Thare iz only a phew men in this world whoze opinyuns I 
venerate, and yu, mi friend, are one ov them. 

Thare are pholks who had rather be hated than loved, and 
I for one don't beleave in trieing tew convince sutch pholks 
ov their mistake. 

When a kunning man gits kaught he is like a fox in a trap, 
he haint got no friends. 

Old age haz but phew friends, and iz liable tew loze them 
at enny time. 

ISusepaper kriticks never made enny reputashun for a man 
yet, nor robbed him ov enny. 

He who don't luv himself vents hiz spleen bi hating every- 
boddy else. 

If we listen tew the diktakes ov our conshience and reazon 
it iz allmost impossible for us tew be rong. 

It iz the little things ov this life that stir us up so mutch ; 
thare iz 10 chances ov being stung bi a hornet whare thare 
aint one ov being stept on bi an elejxhant. 

"When fear takes the place ov hope in a man he needn't 
expekt tew be enny more miserable in this life. 

We often meet people whom we think are richer than we 
are, and even more intelligent, but we seldum meet thoze 
whom we think are happier — this iz nice, aint it ? 

I hav seen men who waz too lazy tew set in a boat and 
fish ; they hadn't presence ov mind enuff tew bate a hook. 

I would like tew be a boy agin, on one condishun, that i 
could forgit what little I kno now. 



572 VARIETY. 

Fame iz a ladder, a hard thing tew klimb up, but eazy enuff 
to klimb down. 

Thorobred people are never exclusiv ; all that it requires 
tew gain their kurtesy and konfidense iz to deserve it. 

Adversity makes pigmy s out of giants, and giants out ov 
pigmys. 

A bright and good-natured old man iz like a sunny day in 
winter. 

Buty, without branes, iz nothing more than a gaudy piktur. 

Luv kan't liv on buty ; it must hav sum hash, or it will 
fade and di. 

Wit seldum makes a man laff when he fust hears it, but 
when he curas tew think ov it, it often duz. 

To the man who thinks, a citty iz a solitude. 

It iz eazy enuff tew alter things, but it iz hard enuff tew 
korrekt them. 

The man whoze whole stok ov knolledge iz drawn from 
books, will often phind himself at the forks ov a road whare 
thare ain't no gide board. 

Thoze who hav the most merit see the most in others. 

It iz impossible for a grate man tew eskape censure — every 
boddy is anxious to git a krak at an eagle. 

Cerimonys are a sort ov manuel for phools tew regulate 
their kondukt by. 

Good sense and good breeding are fruits that gro on the 
same bush. 

The man who iz waiting tew be happy will next year at 
this time be waiting still. 

Cheerfullness makes the plainest features butiful, the se- 
verest winter agreeable ; it elevates the lowly, and adds a 
charm tew grateness, all its own. 

The wizer a man bekums, the more he pheals hiz depend- 
anse. 

Kontentment iz like a ghost, a dredful eazy thing tew talk 
about, but a dredful hard thing tew see. 

Thare iz no man so necessary in this world, but that when 
he dies hiz plase iz quickly filled, and he iz soon forgotten. 



MARK TWAIN. 573 

Every man haz hiz weak points, but thare iz this difference, 
wize men are anxious tew hide theirs, while phools are 
anxious not to. 

The only way tew git along phast is tew git along slo. 

Thiz world iz phull ov grunters, but very phew grunt be- 
kauze they are obliged tew. 

Complasance iz the sweet ile ov every day life. 

JSatur dont put on enny airs. 

The most dangerous men we hav in this world are thoze 
who are alwus repenting ov the sins they hav made up their 
mind tew commit. 

Conshunce iz nothing more nor less than the genius ov 
reazon. 

Thare iz this difTrence between living in the city and kuntry 
— in the city yu kan attend to yure own bizzness, in the kuntry 
yu kan hav it attended tew for yu. 

MABK TWAIN. 

Among the most valued of our private correspondents is 
Mark Twain. 

"We received a letter of love from him lately, and we see 
no harm in making some extracts from it, and laying them 
before our readers. 

The letter is strictly a private one, but we admire Mark so 
much that we don't think he will be angry at us if we make 
public property of a portion of it. 

Listen : 

Dear Josh : — I think a very great deal of you, as a per- 
sonal friend, of long standing; I admire you as a philos- 
opher; I actually revere you as almost the only specimen 
remaining with us, of a species of being that used to be 
common enough — I mean an honest man. 

Therefore you can easily believe that if I don't write the 
paragraphs you desire for your department of the paper, it 
is not because thare is any lack in me of either the will or 
the willingness to do it. 

No, it is only because my present literary contracts, and 
understandings, debar me. 



574 VARIETY. 

I am thus debared for three years to come. 

But after that — however, you wouldn't want to wait, 
perhaps. 

I wish we could compromise ; I wish it would answer for 
you to write one of these books, for me, while I write an 
almanac for you. 

But this will not do, because I cannot abide your spelling. 

It does seem to. me that you spell worse every day. 

Sometimes your orthography makes me frantic. 

It is out of all reason that a man, seventy-five years of age, 
should spell as you do. 

Why do you not attend a night-school ? 

You might at least get the hang of the easy words. 

I am sending you a primer by this mail which I know will 
help you, if you will study it hard. 

Now is the most favorable time you have had in seventy 
years, now that you are just entering your second childhood. 

It ought to come really easy to you. 

Many people believe that in the dominion of natural 
history, you stand without a peer. 

It is acknowledged on all sides that you have thrown new 
light on the mule, and also on other birds of the same family ; 
that you have notably augmented the world's admiration of 
the splendid plumage of the kangaroo — or possibly it might 
have been the cockatoo — but I know it was one of those bi- 
valves, or the other ; that you have uplifted the hornet, and 
given him his just place among the flora of our country ; and 
that you have aroused an interest never felt before, in every 
fur-bearing animal, from the occult rhinoceros clear down to 
the domestic cow of the present geologic period, 

These researches ought not to die ; but what can you ex- 
pect ? 

Yale University desires to use them as text books in the 
natural history department of that institution, but they can- 
not stand the spelling. 

You will take kindly what I am saying ; I only wish to 
make you understand that even the profoundest science must 



WHITE MOUNTAINS. 575 

perish and be lost to the world, when it is couched in such 
inhuman orthography as yours. 

Even the very first word in your annual is an atrocity; 
"Allminax" is no way to build that word. 

I can spell better than that with my left hand. 

In answer to your other inquiry I say no, decidedly. 

You can't lecture on " Light" with any success. 

Tyndall has used up that subject. 

And I think you ought not to lecture on " Mtro-Glycer- 
ine, with Experiments " — the cost of keeping a coroner under 
salary would eat up all the profits. 

Try "Readings" — they are all the rage now. And yet 
how can you read acceptably when you cannot even spell 
right ? 

An ignorance so shining and conspicuous as yours — Now I 
have it — go on a jury. 

That is your place. Your friend, 

Mark Twain. 



WHITE MOUNTAINS. 

Shelbtibne, N. H. 

HERE i am. I am setting down square, and leaning bak 
hard, in the dearest little basin ov land yu ever saw, 
right at the feet ov Maria (vulgarily called Mount Moriah). 

I am pausing at the "Winthrop House," a modest little 
temprance hotel — the only spirits here is pure kold water, 
and kerosene ile — whiskee and gass, thank the Lord, have 
not found their way yet teu these scenes of quiet and inno- 
sense. 

Mount Maria lifts up her gory hed, just bak of the little 
hotel, forty-five hundred feet, and shakes her locks in the 
sweeping gale. 

I am phull of peace and phun. 

J cum here for absolute rest, and I have found her, it is as 
pure and still here, as the morning, or the fust sabbath on 
earth. 



576 



VARIETY. 



The only noisy thing here is the roosters ; they begin ten 
holler at four o'clock in the morning, and are not troubled 
with the brownkreetis, for their matin song is as crisp as the 
throat of a piccalo flute. 

How still it is here, it seems as tho every pulse in mi 
boddy, and even mi soul itself, had shut up its eyes, and gone 
to roost. 

I am as happy as a yung maiden, with her fust nu bon- 
net. 

Yesterday a stranger made his appearanse here ; whare he 
cum from i don't kno, and whare he is gone to, i don't kare, 
and he asked me if i had herd ov the grate scientifick dis- 
kovery that had jist been made. 

I was so quiet and happy, so still and satisfied, that i 
wouldn't even ask him what the wonderful diskovery was. 

He continued bi telling me that it had been recently proved 
that the earth was square, and not round, and asked me what 
i thought of it. 

I bent mi languid eyes upon the man, and sed, gently, 
i will hav no argument with no man, now ; i am resting, i 
don't kare a kuss whether the earth iz square, oblong, or 3 
kornered, i giv it up ; dont disturb me. 

He looked a look at me that waz kompozed entirely ov 
wonder and pitty, and went from me sideways, haff-reluktant 
and haff-disgusted. 

I am phull ov stillness, and no man nor no woman shall 
ripple its surface. 

I am at the feet ov Mount Maria, a huge mountain, hi 
and hoary, reaching from earth allmost tew heaven, bilt 
whole and placed here bi the grate and good Jehovah, and 
no man must git between me and this work of the All- 
mighty. 

I adore a mountain ; it iz so solid and so still. 

When i set down at the foot ov a mountain, i am filled 
with humility and penitence, for i kno that no human in- 
genuity nor hands kould hav made it, but when i walk the 
crowded avenues ov the sitty, and gaze upon the gaudy piles 



WHITE MOUNTAINS. 



77 



ov masonry, luxurious abodes ov the ritch, i am puffed up 
with vanity, for man, mi brother, made theze things, and man 
iz nothing more than 
a 2 legged lump ov 
vanity and self-luv. 

Sutch butter az i 
git here, golden wax, 
az sweet az honey 
and az helthy az 
onions. 

Sutch bread az i 
git here, az light az 
foam, and az white 
az the sno on the top 
ov Mount Washing- 
ton. 

Sutch trout az i 
ketch here, yester- 
day, 3i ov them 
found their way into 
mi phish-basket, little spotted, sparkling butys, az phatt and az 
brittle az a tallo handle in the month ov February. 

Dear editors ov the New Yoke Weekly, i am az free 
from kare az a yerling heifer, and az ph. nil ov faith and 
thankfulness az a skool boy who haz jist bin whipt for sum 
misdemenor and got fairly over the smarting. 

I think now that i shall stay in this still spot for a month, 
and then pitch into the mountains and mix with the tourists 
who will then throng the places ov resort. 

When i cum bak tew New York, i would like to bring a 
mountain with me, and sho it under canvass, at 50 cents a 
gaze, but i kant. 

Sntcli air az i breathe here, az thin az ether, and az phull 
ov tone az a brandy cocktail. 

Sutch wild flowers az i gather here, not so fragrant, but 
so mild and simple, so modest and frail. 

They gro rite at the foot ov the mountain, and aint afraid 
3Tt 




578 VARIETY. 

the grate giant ov rok and forest will step on them, they are 
phnll ov peace and phaith. 

Sutch bird notes az i listen to here, not the stinted musik 
ov the caged prisoner, but away up on the highest spindle 
ov the maple, in front ov the little hotel, each morning and 
evening a robin red-breast ballances hiz swaying form, and 
throwing hiz hed back like a primma donner, opens hiz 
throat, half way down hiz boddy, and sings tew the mountain, 
and to the God who made it. 

Oh, mi dear friends ov the New Yoke Weekly, if you 
could only hear this song, this song ov freedum, this song ov 
praze, you would envy this red-breasted worshipper. 

It iz 14 miles from here to the " Glen House," and 22 to 
the top ov Mount Washington, which iz az high up as yu 
kan git bi land in Amerika, this side ov the Pacific coast. 

I intend tew stand on the top ov Mount Washington, be- 
fore i cum bak, and thank God for the privilege, and look 
down to the gulfr of Mexiko, and see what iz going on 
thare. 

A half mile from whare i am writing this letter, i kan 
stand and see the huge drifts ov snow shining in the gorges 
ov the grate hills like melted silver. 

Here iz the place tew liv, only think ov it, board 7 dollars 
a week, water az pure az nektar, and half trout at that^ air 
az stiff as rum and tanzy, and a mountain tew look at for 
nothing. 

Next to Heaven, I worship a mountain. 

The man who couldn't liv here, and lay up munny, and 
lay in joy and satisfackshun, ought tew be turned out 
loose into the world, and be hunted down by the mission- 
arys. 

Don't send me enny papers, don't send me any periodi- 
kals, don't even send me the New York Weekly, rior the 
Atlantih Monthly, nor Harper's, nor nothing tew read. I 
am where logic is a phool, and science a dwarf — where the 
silver bounding brooks are phull ov sermons and sentiment, 
and whare every phull plumaged tree iz a serial ov romanse 
and novelty, founded on fakt. 



WHITE MOUNTAINS. 579 

I kan learn more here in one week, and enjoy more, ail 
alone with natur the skoolmarm, than I could in a whole 
year up to my chin in the hest library in the world. 

Mi wife iz with me. She sings and I whissell, and then 
we take turns looking at the grate mountain. 

Thare iz now a grate shaddo creeping along up its sides 
like a live thing — now it haz gone, for the sun has cum laff- 
ing out from under a kloud. 

This iz what I call phun, it kosts nothing, and for this very 
reazon, there iz lots ov pholks kant see enny joy in it. 

The very best things that kind Heaven gives us, she givs 
without munny and without price. 

To git away from the roar and klatter ov yure grate city, 
and cum here, and set still, and not think ov enny thing, 
where the loudest sounds yer kan hear iz the early rooster 
and the twittering swallow at noon time. This iz what I 
call magnificent happiness on a half shell. 

The people who liv here are like the hardy evergreens, 
which are firm rooted on the mountain side. They luv 
their home, and could not be transplanted — they luv theze 
grand old uplands, and feel safe beneath their shaddows. 

They dont lock their doors here tew guard aginst thiev- 
ing miskreants, and every one yu meet looks and ackts az 
tho he had alwuss known yu and yure father before yu. 

I would like tew liv here always, and would do it if i 
waz pure enuff, but i hav got the world's taint upon me, and 
must go back again and mix with the bustle and fuss ov life, 
and strut mi days out, and kail things bi thare rong names 
az others do. 

Dear editors, i would like tew ask yu tew cum-up and see 
me, but i am afrade to, i am afrade yu would want tew talk 
too mutch, i am afrade yu would hav sumthing tew say about 
bizzness, and this would curdle mi sweet milk. 

Mi cream iz now rising, and i dont want tew be disturbed. 
How still and how pleazed i am. 

Not more than one waggon goes bi our littel hotel for a 
whole day, and they drive az still as they kan. 



580 VARIETY. 

The dogs lay upon the porches ov the farm houses in eazy 
slumbers, and would mutch rather wag their tails than their 
tungs at the passing stranger. 

Sntch fresh eggs az i git here, layed and cackled over, in 
the afternoon, and et the next morning, and sutch honey too, 
pure and limpid az ile. 

Trout are not plenty here, but are plenty enuff. I had 
mutch rather hav tew work hard tew ketch 40, than tew ketch 
200 with eaze. 

When the sun sets behind the big mountain, the cows cum 
home with aching udders, and stand, chewing their cuds, 
waiting tew be milked. 

At nine in the evening, every eye in the naberhood iz 
hooded with sleep ; and long before the sun shines in the 
morning, breakfast iz eaten, and the men take up their eazy 
labors. 

This iz life at Shelburne, at the feet of Mount Maria. 
This iz life in the country, and tew enjoy it a man must 
make up biz mind tew keep still. 

It iz no place here for a wrangler or a pedant ; thare. iz 
nothing but mountains all around here, and the bin heavens 
abuv, and noboddy but a phool would argy with them. 

Mount Maria, just bak ov our little tavern, kan out- angry 
the gratest philosopher in the world. 

This little town ov Shelburne, whare i am now living so 
still and so happy, iz on the Grand Trunk Rail Road, about 
90 miles north-west from Portland, and 200 miles from Mon- 
treal. 

The swift Andriskoggin, with its dark flood, encircles one 
side ov the village. 

Thare iz only six houses here, and the only bizzness con- 
cern iz a blacksmith shop, now vakated and marked, " To 
Let," i am glad ov this. 

Six miles abuv us iz the village o*f Gorham, from which 
point the stage road leads into the mountains, it being 8 
miles to the Glen House, and 15 to the tip top ov Mount 
Washington. 



NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS. 581 

Muskeeters are skarse here now, and judgeing from the 
cool air that cums down from the mountain, i don't think it 
would pay tew raze them. 

Thare iz only one doktor in theze parts, and he drives on 
the run looking for a job. 

I am happy tew state that he gets a dredful poor living. 



NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS. 

"VTATUR furnishes all the noblemen we hay. 
X* She holds the pattent. 

Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually 
grater than he iz, than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in 
making him aktually taller. 

Thiz iz a hard phakt for sum tew learn. 

This mundane earth iz thik with male and f email ones, 
who think they are grate, bekauze their ansesstor waz luckey 
in the sope or tobacco trade, and altho the sope haz run out 
sum time since, they try tew phool themselves and other folks 
with the suds. 

Sope suds iz a prekarious bubble. 

Thare ain't n thing so thin on the ribs az a sope suds aris- 
tokrat. 

When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur 
pitches one into it, and furnishes him papers without enny 
flaw in them. 

Aristokrasy kant be transmitted, natur sez so, in the papers. 

Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in pro- 
mulgating aristokrasy. 

Titles aint ov enny more real use or nesessity than dog 
collars are. 

I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that want 
worth, in enny market, over 87 1-2 cents. 

This iz a grate waste ov collar, and a grate damage tew the 
dog. 



582 VARIETY. 

Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aris- 
tokrasy, and that iz virtew. 

She wets up the virtew sumtimes with a little pepper sass, 
just tew make it lively. 

She sez that all other kinds are false, and i beleave natur. 

I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aris- 
tokrat, bloated with virtew. 

Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out 
ov munny. 

Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make 
a good-sized aristokrat, and innokulate hiz family with the 
same disseaze, but it takes now about 600 thousand tew throw 
the partys into fits. 

Aristokrasy, like all other bred stuffs, haz riz. 

It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, 
nor clothes, than it did in the daze ov Abraham. 

Yirtew dont vary. 

Virtew iz the standard ov values. 

Clothes aint. 

Titles aint. 

A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous. and be an aris- 
tokrat. 

Diogoneze waz an aristokrat. 

Hiz brown stun front waz a tub, and it want on end at that. 

Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present 
hi kondishun ov kodphish and wearing apparel provided yu 
see the munny, but if the munny kind ov tires out and don't 
reach yu, and yu dont git ennything but the aristokrasy, yu 
ha^ got to diet, that's all. 

I kno ov thousands who are now dieting on aristokrasy. 

They say it tastes good. 

I presume they lie without knowing it. 

Not enny ov this sort ov aristokrasy for Joshua Billings. 

I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy 
together ; i will take mine seperate, if yu pleze. 

I dont never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel ; i 
dont kno az i want tew be one. 



NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS. 



583 



I certainly should make a miserable angel. 

I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aris- 
tokrat. 

Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness, yu dont 
never git yure seed back. 




A DEMOCRATIC ORATOR. 



One demokrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thou- 
sand manufaktured aristokrats. 

An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in 
market. They are generally ashamed ov their ansestors, and, 
if they hav enny, and liv long enuff, they generally hav cauze 
tew be ashamed ov their posterity. 

I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew 



584: VARIETY. 

Kv on their aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out 
sum time ago. 

It iz hard scratching for them. 

Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and Kv on them, but yu 
kant warm up aristokratik pride and git even a smell. 

Yu mite az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a 
deserted brik yard by manuring the ground heavy with tan 
bark. 



BUTY AND THE BEASTS. 



Boston, ****, 1873. 

I RED mi lektur here last night, at Tremont Temple, to 
seventeen hundred souls. 

The aujience waz a perfekt suckcess. 

The title ov the lectur waz " Buty and the Beasts." 

I took the part of " Buty " and filled it quite as well as 
could be expekted. 

Yu never hav herd this lektur, and i will giv yu a sinop- 
ciss ov it. 

The lektur begins by opening with that most marvelous ov 
all bugs, the pensive cockroach. 

I talk about this pet ov the family circle in the most en- 
dearing manner. 

I tell mi phello-citizens all about hiz familiar natur, hiz 
placid progress, az he steals out ov hiz retreat, and halts az 
he goes, lost in abstrackshun. 

I tell them ov hiz marvellous innosense, hiz phond aspir- 
ashuns, and hiz prolifick tendencys. 

During the recital ov hiz memoirs, the most mirakulus sus- 
pense pervades the whole mass in front ov me ; they seem 
rapt in panefull thought, their souls kreep up into their ears, 
and they forgit even to wink. 

The scene iz sublime. 

From the cockroach i plunge boldly forth, and relate, in 
spirit-stirring language, the pedigree of the rooster. 



BEAUTY AND THE BEASTS. 585 

Here I let mi genius revel like an unbroke colt. 

I take the bits out ov her mouth, and sticking in the spurs, 
ride tumultuous az a ghost. 

I talk rooster for about 10 minnits az man never talked 
rooster before. 

The aujience ketch pliire az i proceed, and sitch crowing 
and offering tew fight enny boddy yu never see the likes. 

By the most natral and eazy transishun ever attempted bi 
enny orator who haz trod the didaktik boards at this point, 
i introduce tew the spektators an original and delikately 
tinted essay on kissing. 

Here i am to hum agin. 

What i don't kno about kissing iz tasteless. 

It would make your mouths weep, dear editors, to hear me 
tell how a kiss tastes. 

I deskribe the whole thing so natral that yu kan hear the 
smak. 

This i konsidder a grate moral and phizzikal triumph. 

From kissing i switch oph onto things that kreep, and 
strike the trail ov the angle worm. 

I diskribe hiz life and adventures, and handle this small 
snaik with the judgement and tenderness ov a parent. 

I relate hiz trials, hiz persekushuns, hiz temptashuns, and 
hiz final viktory. 

Here iz whare i draw tears. 

Oh ! if yu could only hear me talk angleworm, yu would 
pat me on the bak, cry " Bully for Billings !" and raize mi 
salary. 

No other man on arth kan talk angleworm az i do, and 
mean one haff he sez. 

Next cums the pizon snaik. 

In this part ov mi lektur I looze all control ov miself, and 
go headlong for the snaix. 

I hate snaix wuss than a woman duz. 

The aujience gaze at me, and I gaze at the aujience, and 
neither ov us seem tew kno what the other thinks about the 
lectur. 






586 VARIETY. 

At this point some ov the spectators leave. 

They kant tell exactly what iz the matter ov them, and so 
they adjourn. 

After stripping the snaik ov all his glory, and leaving him 
for ded, I bring in the gentle goose. 

I talk about the gentle goose jist as tho I had known him 
from a goslin, and the aujience are often herd to say, in their 
extacys : 

" What a goose ! " 

The goose iz a tuff animal tew handle for common, but in 
mi hands lie iz like a lamb led tew the slaughter. 

It would, dear editors, make yu pheal proud ov mi ac- 
quaintanse tew hear me talk goose. 

No sooner haz the goose had her dose than in hops the 
smartest wild phowl in the whole feathered range ov ani- 
mated natur, I mean bi this the flippant flea. 

For about 5 minutes I parade this insex, and tell the sway- 
ing and surging mass ov intelekt before me more nuze than 
they ever herd before. 

I talk flea so mutch, and so natral, that one halff mi hear- 
ers gro oneazy in their seats, and aktually think they have 
got a flea on them. 

This iz what i call the sublimity ov dramatik power. 

At this point sum more ov the multitude begin tew flea 
from the hall. 

I alwus repeat to thoze that are leaving the skriptural in- 
juncshun, " The wicked flea when no man perseweth." 

This remark iz alwus received with profound admiration 
and silence. 

But i suppoze the fakt iz that they pheal az tho they hav 
had the worth of their money and are too polite and honest 
tew set and take enny more. 

Honesty iz the best policy ; thoze who hav tried both ways 
say so. 

After the flea haz bin put through a course ov sprouts i 
bring in the monkey. The monkey iz one ov mi best kards, 
and i tell the congregation that the monkey sprung from the 
man, and konsequently iz one ov our poor relashuns. 



BUTY AND THE BEASTS. 587 

This makes sum ov them mad, but i don't kare, i lekture 
for cash, not for opinyuns. 

Just az soon az i git thru with the monkey i let him went, 
and bi partiklar request read mi soul-stirring essa on " Jersey 
Lightning." 

After reading this subdueing rapsody large numbers ov 
thoze remaining rize in their seats and offer tew jine the 
pledge. 

Ov course, i kant tend tew this, but i alwus giv them an 
order on sum tempranse sosiety and pass on tew notice. 

Now cums the festive clam, and ov him i diskourse 
sweetly, and clont hesitate tew tell all who are listening 
that he iz the most muskalar ov all meat known tew nat- 
ralists. 

This speech shocks the nerves ov the hily edukated, and 
they leave in large numbers. After order haz been restored, 
the next bug i brag about iz the hornet, sudden, and sharp- 
pointed. 

Here iz another chance for me tew let mi genius rave, and 
i let her rave. 

This essa on the hornet haz made me immortal. 

Mi name will go down tew the fewter, coupled with the 
hornet. We will be twins in posterity. 

Just az soon az the crowd in front ov me git enuff hornet, 
it would pleze yu tew see the happy way i have in trotting 
out the crow. 

I dwell on the crow az a being given tew theft, and not 
delishus tew broil. 

Mi remarks on this dusky foul hav been called mi happi- 
est efforts, but i dont think so. I haint never dun mi best in 
the lektring bizzness. 

Next in suit comes the fox, whom i stile the Beau Brum- 
mel ov the forest, and cluss upon him in comes the coon. 

I frolick with the coon, for i luv him, uniil the aujienee 
(sum skattering fu ov them) looze all holt on their dekoram, 
and bust into lafter. 

Now i am happy az a bridegroom, for i alwuss did luv 
lafter at mi expense. 



588 VARIETY. 

Bi particular request i read now mi selebrated paper on 
Tite Boots. 

This iz a truly scientiifick effort, and iz did in mi very best 
shape, to win. 

This part of the lektur iz a leetle weighty, az i devote mi 
powers entirely tew argument, and reazon rite strate at the 
bull's eye. 

Menny ov thoze present drop oph into a gentle slumber 
while i am at the boots, and forget all their trubbles. 

This shows the grate konlidense they hav in me as a lek- 
tnrer ; they kno that i will do the subjek justiss, without 
enny ov their help. 

The cherub Fly cums buzzing in next, and the remnant 
ov thoze that are left in the hall are wide awake in a min- 
nitt. 

I say a grate deal about the Fly that i hav mi doubts 
about, but the subjekt is a prolifick one. 

It iz hard work tew tell all yu kno about them and keep 
within the truth, or keep the truth within yu. 

Thare iz so menny Flys fliing around looze, that if a lek- 
turer duz happen tew lie a little about them, cum tew 
average it, it don't cum very tuff on enny partikular one 

We hav now reached the Kat, one ov the most unfath- 
omable reptiles, that kreep, or krawl, for phun or for 
profflt. 

All mi reserve powers are brought into ackshun here, but 
they aint enuff for the Kat. 

Thare ain't no man, nor no plummet, that kan fathom a 
kat. 

They are more misterious than a ghost, and harder tew 
translate than the Chineese religion. 

The lektur winds up with the Kodphish, a skaly konklu- 
shun. 

I am sound on the kodphish. I hav studdyed them in 
their briny vaults, on the under side ov the oshun, and 1 
hav studdyed them mixt with potatoze, and run into bawls. 



BILLINGS' PROVERBS. 589 

They are a hard animal tew beat, biled fresh or cooked 
psalt. 

They are vittles and drink, espeshily drink. 

Dear editors ov the New York Weekly, yu ought tew 
hear this lektur on " Bivty and the Beasts," it is interspersed 
with chunks of wisdum, it iz freskoed with flours ov rhet- 
orick, it iz rendered with all the graces ov oratory, and it 
descends upon an aujience like a j en tie mildew. 

"Buty and the Beasts" iz a lektur that enny man mite be 
proud ov, except me, i am too modest to ever amount tew 
mutch. 

Modesty iz mi besetting pizon. 

It iz killing me bi inches. 

Yures, while i clu last, Josh Billings. 



BILLINGS' PEOYEEBS. 



THAEE are but phew things a man duz in this life, be 
they good, bad, or indifferent, but what kan be traced to 
self-luv. 

Eozes and thorns gro on the same bush — and kluss to- 
gether. 

What kan yu say of a man wuss than tew call him a hip- 
okrit and a tyrant ? 

. Flattery iz a poor artikle to deal in,bekauze there iz no 
man who iz worthy of it but what dispizes it. 

It iz eazyer tew make 2 men who are in the right change 
their minds, that it iz one who iz in the wrong*. 

It don't pay to be a prophet ; if you hit right people will 
doubt it, and if yu hit wrong they will dam it. 

When it cums tew making proselites, the devil understands 
hiz biziness better than enny one i kno ov. 

Jist az soon az a man lozes all hiz property, then we all 
ov us reckolekt at once that he waz alwuss a kussid phool. 

The man who iz humble in prosperity and brave in adver- 



590 VARIETY. 

sity iz az mutch abuv the reach of fortune az an angel iz 
abuv temtashun. 

Proverbs are literature on the naff shell. 

I hav 2 hats. One iz a shocking bad one and the other iz 
a gem, and i notiss when i hav the gem on i git double the 
nods, on the avenue, from pedestrians. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who are no use tew yu only when yn 
are on the topmost wave, and then their voices are lost in the 
general chorus. 

Wimmin are not all coquets, but thare never waz one yet 
who didn't luv to be called one. 

Take all the vanity and selphishness out ov a man, and 
thare aint mutch ov anything else left. 

Good clothes make the impreshun, but they don't make 
the man. 

I have got a pattent rite way tew induce people tew be 
happy. It iz this, make everyboddy think they are better 
oph than yu are. 

After all, the world pays their gratest homage to virtew 
and branes — thank God for this. 

Thare are certain things in this world that are bound tew 
win, i don't kare what trumps are. 

A man may hav branes and yet not make a hit, but he 
kant make a hit unless he haz the branes. 

I dont want tew be left alone with an Atheist ; mi fust 
feeling iz fear that lightning will strike both ov us ; when 
that subsides i am filled with anger. 

It iz kind ov phunny that the more christianized the 
world bekums, the more laws, and offlsers of the law, we hav 
tew hav. 

It ought tew kure enny ov us ov pride and ambishun when 
we reflekt that the grave duz not more effektually hide our 
boddy than it duz our memoriz. 

He iz ritch whoze welth satisfys hiz wants, and he iz poor 
whoze welth dont. 

Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that a kold time 
haz on the arly grain, it checks it at the top, and makes it 
take root. 



BILLINGS' PROVERBS. 591 

Ridikule haz no power aginst truth, and it wont hav aginst 
pholly unless it iz honestly and smartly did. 

Take the people all out ov it, and this world would be a 
delitefull plase to liv. 

A man lost tew shame iz no wuss than a brute. A woman 
lost tew shame iz no better than a fiend. 

The only way tew convince a phool iz to outtalk him. 

Satire that iz seazonable and just iz often more effektual 
than law or gospil. 

I don't serpoze thare haz been over 80 sekrets kept in fust 
hands since the daze ov Adam. 

Lazy men are alwuss konseited kritters. 

About the tightest spot a man kan git into iz whare he 
kant blame enny boddy but himself. 

He who haz komplete control at all times over hiz powers 
and hiz pashuns, iz a hard nut tew krak. 

A man's imaginashun iz like a vine ; if he don't set up a 
pole for it tew klimb, it will run oph into all sorts ov twistifi- 
katedness. 

The biggest hipokrits in the world are thoze who pla 
lamb. 

The eyes are the windows ov the heart, and the ears are 
the windows ov the brain. 

If thare wa'n't nothing but truth in the world we could 
git along with one third ov the language we use now. 

A prudent man iz one who trusts in God, and keeps hiz 
eye on the pot when it's a bileing. 

If thare wa'n't no ignoranse thare would be no prejudise, 
for everything would be valued jist ackordin tew its worth. 

Mi yung friend, yu may giv every man yu meet the whole 
ov the road if you hav a mind to, but yu must not expekt to 
git enny kredit for it. 

Slander iz often half true and hafF false, and the lie that 
iz in it iz the most respekabel part ov it. 

Slander iz a poisoned arro, shot bi a concealed koward. 

A sophist seems tew be a party who, having suekceeded in 
cheating himself, iz anxious tew serve others in the same 
way. 



592 



VARIETY. 



Pedigree may be ov sum use tew a rase-horse, but ov what 
use it kan be tew a man iz a mistery tew me. 

Good story tellers are not only skarse bat their stok in 
trade soon runs out. 

A man kan travel a grate ways on a good story, but he 
kant stay in one plase with it long. 

I kno a man who kan make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, 
but it iz all he kan do, and the whissell iz only a sekund rate 
one at that. 

Simplisity iz one ov the most diffikult things tew acquire, 
while a florid stile iz the eazyest. 

Those who are the last to giv up an opinyun, are the last 
tew adopt it. 

I fairly envy the kredulity ov sum pholks. They will let 
the same dog bight them in the same place 4 times, and de- 
klare it iz a good joke. 

I never allow enny man tew beat me in politeness. If the 

T* V" AlM^I^ #V* <KA / most humble man on 
it K> ^ * A' <£#_ jflL^ *Xl. j the street tutches hiz 

hat tew me, i tuteh. 
mine in reply. 

Autograph huntera 
(for 60 days) are on 
the inkrease. 

The devil iz the best 
judge ov human natur 
i kno ov. 

The 2 Amerikan 
mottoes are "E pluri- 
5\k bus unum" and "Let 
k J^ her rip." 

Phools are just az 
necessary in this world 
az litening rods are. 
Eclukashun iz a good thing generally, but most pholks ed- 
dukate their prejudices. 

The eternal propriety ov sum pholks iz fairly terrible. 




WHITE MOUNTAINS— THE " GLEN HOUSE." 593 

What a releaf it would be if they would only kik up once in 
a while. 

The older we gro the less we are certain ov. 

Fun iz suggar coated phissick. 

Ekonemy iz the mother in law ov happiness. 

Thare iz nothing haff so sad az remorse. 

Tallent thrives on the krumbs that fall from the table ov 
genius. 

Our wants are the source ov all our joys and all our woes. 

Tew eat and drink iz all the knolledge or virtew a human 
being iz born with — the rest he haz tew learn. 

Every thing that a man kan honestly git in this world iz 
the gift ov God. 

Thare aint no logick so powerphull az. nesessity. 



WHITE MOUNTAINS— THE "GLEN HOUSE." 

July, 1873. 

MI last letter to yu waz written from Shelburne, Nu 
Hampshire, to which sweet little solitude I had fled tew 
commune with natur at her home, and ketch trout. 

I had a good time with natur, and found her reddy tew re- 
ceive company, and entertain them, provided they kept still, 
and didn't ask enny phoolish questions. 

I also found the trout polite, and kurteous, and kaught 963 
during the four weeks I lingered thare. 

I am now dwelling at the " Glen House," at the very feet 
ov the White Mountains. 

This iz a fust-class house, and iz kept az orderly as a Sun- 
day school. 

The proprietors would make good mishionarys, their ways 
are ways ov pleasantness, and their paths are paths ov peace. 

I probably shall stay here untill I spend mi last cent, and 
then ded hed mi remains tew New York. 

If Adam hadn't have been a mizerable phool, and listened 

38} 



594: VARIETY. 

tew that woman ov hiz, we might all ov us have been board- 
ing at the' Glen House now for nothing, and looking at the 
White Mountains, at half price. 

Just our durned luk. 

I am setting down now perfektly solid, in a huge splint 
bottomed chair, and gazeing at the mountains az intently, and 
vacant, az a blind man. 

The fust impreshuns that theze vast lumps ov rising 
ground made upon me waz to stare, and say nothing. 

The next impression waz, tew say nothing, and stare. 

This iz the best deskripshun I kan giv ov the White 
Mountains. 

Thare iz lots ov people hav written up theze grate hills ov 
the Allmighty, and their ackount reads tew me like the 
melted pathos ov a boarding skool miss, when she writes her 
graduating composishun, upon the "Extatick yearnings ov a 
wingless spirit," or sum other hefty subjekt. 

A mountain iz the grandest kreashun ov the great archi- 
tect, and kant be deskribed. 

Not more than half a mile in front ov me stands Mount 
Washington, 66 hundred feet hi, so they say, I haven't 
meazured it yet, but i presume they hav got it about right. 

This mountain waz bilt tew stay thare. 

It iz az bald-headed az an eagle, and in its gorges now, the 
20th ov July, grate piles ov snow laff the sun tew scorn. 

Right on the top ov its crown they hav made a house, 
from which yu kan see, if yure eyes are strong enuff, a good 
ways. 

It is 8 miles from whare i am sitting down so solid, in the 
old splint-bottomed chair, tew the top ov the mountains, and 
the road iz az krooked az the route a boy takes going tew 
skool during green apple time. 

Cluss alongside ov Mount Washington stands Clay, Jeffer- 
son, Adams, and Madison, with their hats oph and hair cut 
short, looking up to Washington in venerashun 

The Glen House iz now well filled with boarders and 
lodgers, who eat three times a day and dont talk in their 
sleep. 



WHITE MOUNTAINS— THE " GLEN HOUSE." 595 

This iz the place for an appetight ; one week here and yu 
kan eat a horse and kart and chase the driver 3 miles. 

This iz the place tew sleep ; all yu hav tew do iz tew lay 
down perpendikler on yure back, say yure prayers, shut up 
both eyes, and wake up in about 15 minnitts and find yu hav 
slept 9 hours. 

Thare iz sumthing curious about it, but no man was ever 
known tew snore in hiz sleep at the Glen House. 

This iz a gealogikal phakt ; Mr. Cummings, who haz bin 
identified with this house since its birth, sez so. 

I hav bin here now 3 weeks, and don't think i hav spoke 
10 words tew ennybody. 

I set in the old splint-bottom chair and gaze at the moun- 
tains like an idiot. 

People watch me and whisper, and i once in a while ketch 
theze words as they talk : " Luv krakt." " Sum lunatik, 
probably." 

Let others talk az mutch az they pleaze, i feel just az tho 
i waz in meeting, and mustn't say ennything out loud. 
These grate uplands are sermons, and the Allmighty iz the 
preacher. 

Thare iz a y ung man now on the piazza ov the a Glen House," 
with lite blue eyes and sandy hare. I have now and then 
watched him for the last 3 weeks. He haz been continually 
ded and buried in paper-covered novels, and haint looked at 
the mountains once. He iz a literary cuss. 

I pitty this poor boy ; if he only knew how, he could learn 
more bi looking at theze mountains 10 minnitts with hiz 
soul, and then go and lay down for 2 hours, and think, than 
he could larn in 19 years from theze magazines ov froth 
and sediment, even if he read 4 tons ov them each year, and 
ockashionally chewed one up, and swallowed it whole. 

All about us here are various minor points ov interest, but 
they don't interest me mutch, i have got mi eyes sot on the 
big hills, and i shall hav tew be choked off before i kan notiss 
ennything else. 

Isot far oph iz "Emerald Pool" a kaskade ov water made 



596 VARIETY. 

entirely out ov the blood ov precious stones (so they say), 
which lights up the grotto around, like az the spirit ov a 
fairy world. 

Then we hav "Garnet Pool" not one mile off, another 
liquid glory ov melted gems. 

All about us are falls ov every name and natur, and ra- 
vines without number, each one ov which haz got a pedigree 
az long az the the deklarashun ov liberty. 

Near by one ov theze ravines, a maiden, with sum auburn 
tresses, sum century s ago (so they say), was kaught up bi 
the presiding genius ov the place and haint cum to time 
since. 

The lone injun, the noble skalp lifter ov the border, haz 
bin here too, and left hiz mark, and for 4 dollars enny bare- 
foot boy in the naborhood will show yu whare to wonder and 
whare tew weep tew good advantage. 

Theze things are all good, and are worth the munny they 
ask for them, tew thoze who are dealing in trinkets, but i 
cum here tew fill a kontrakt, i cum here tew see a full- 
grown and live mountain, and when i am stuck fast in 
my old splint-bottom chair, and am slowly taking in the 
quiet bu»t awful grandur before me, i don't want no man, 
nor no female, nor no one of the nuter gender tew talk pool 
or haskaoZe to me. 

I would jist az soon lay down a saddle rok oyster, that i 
had on the half shell, all buttered, ready tew swallo, and take 
up a kodphish bawl, and eat in the place ov it, az tew swop 
one minnitt's look at the giants in front ov me, for all the 
sputtering and sentimental water in the State ov Nu Hamp- 
shire, or the ballance of kreashun. 

The " Glen House " haz a fine assortment ov gallant men 
and fair ladys just now, but who the Cavalier iz, or who the 
belle iz ov the throng, don't worry me at all. 

If enny boddy should tell me, " What a beautiful foot that 
lady has got," i should say, " it didn't kompare with the feet 
of theze mountains." 

If any body should say, " What a bust ! what a develop- 



TIIE GNATT AND KATTERPILLER. 597 

merit ! " i should look tew the swelling sides and rounded 
buty ov " Washington." 

Should enny one point out sum venerable senator, or sum 
saintly divine, with noble brow, mi eyes would at once rest 
upon hi old "Adams," az bald az a patriark, with biz hed 
abuv the kreeping clouds. 

We hav a band who play well, but i git mi musik out ov 
the gales that gallup amung these gorges. 

We hav all that plain cumfert or elegant luxury kan 
ask for. 

I hav breathed more pure air, seen more huge piles ov 
earth and rok, et more trout, and drank more sparkling 
water this summer than i hav in all mi life before, and if 
nothing happens tew mar mi prospekts, i shall go down into 
the valleys az happy, and i hope az humble a man az ever 
klumb these bights. 

If theze things don't make a man happy and humble, he 
had better stay at home and drink thoro wort tea, and git hiz 
bile level. 

Mi wife haz been with me all summer, and kan talk moun- 
tain better than i kan ; she iz a bride ov 30 years standing, 
and haz got a heap more buty and sense than i hav. 



THE GNATT AND KATTEEPILLEK. 

THE gnatt iz the smallest bug on reckord. 
They are two sizes smaller than the hed ov a pin, and 
three times az sharp az the pint ov it. 

They light onto a man like a blacksmith's cinder, and enter 
the flesh like a Kanada thissell. 

They are blak and gray fur culler, and cum out ov their 
lokashun for aktual bizzness just before sunset, in the month 
ov June. 

They fill the air like a shower ov hot ashes, and keep both 
hands ov a man bizzy az a cow's tale in Hi time. 



598 



VARIETY. 



They are the gratest pests in history, and hav made menny 
a trout fisher mad enuff tew sass hiz mother. 

They are the hottest ov all live torments, and i have even 
myself, when four thousand five hundred ov them hav pitched 

into me, without any 
previous notiss, been 
known tew sware, just 
a little, to let folks kno 



that i was human. 

If a man haint got a 
rite tew sware jist once, 
in a low tone, when 4 
thousand five hundred 
gray gnatts git aboard 
ov him promiskuss, he 
haint never got a rite 
to, and swareing iz play- 
ed oat. 

The bight of a gray 
gnatt raises a blister, 
and iz sore for 2 weeks 
afterwards. 

I never shall try tew forgit the fust time the gray gnatt 
stormed mi outposts. 

I waz trout phishing, cluss upon the edge ov a wilderness, 
in the State ov New York, just az the sun waz gitting reddy 
tew giv the world the slip. 

The trout waz bighting anxiously, and i was laying them 
away in mi baskit, az cheerful az a mizer, when lo ! and be- 
hold, in less than 2 minnitts the heavins and earth waz sissing 
hot with gray gnatts, and every square inch ov me that was 
naked, had 40 gnatts on it boreing for ile. 

I couldn't see one ov the kussid kritters, for they are smaller 
than a comma and are just the culler ov twilite. 

I didn't wait tew argy the kase with the gray gnatts, but 
shouldered mi pole and left thoze arkadian scenes az tho i 
waz after a doktor. 




MORE GNATTS THAN ARE PLEASANT. 



THE GNATT AND KATTEEPILLER. 599 

Thare iz a grate menny people who hav never saw a 
gray gnatt, but i kan assure them that they haint lost 
mutch, for thare iz nothing interesting about them but thare 
bight. 

The pesky flea, whoze memoirs i hav writ, iz a good 
average bighter, but he iz slower than the tune of old lang 
syne kompared with the gray gnatt. 

The gnatt iz born like fog, all ov a sudden, but whether 
they cum from an egg, or otherwize, iz one ov them kun- 
ning sekrets that natur dont tell tew every inquiring 
phool. 

The musketoze bights with a pricker, the flea with a for- 
ceps, but the gnatt bights like a spatter from a kittle ov bile- 
ing grease. 

I hay bin asked bi the loquasious, if i thought the gnatt 
waz made in vain, and i hav invariably sed " No, sir, they 
waz made tew bight freely, and they are a praktikal job." 

I kant tell yu whether the gnatt iz male or f email, or 
not, nor do i kno whether they were a bug before the flood 
or not, i haint got time tew answer such small-sized ques- 
tions. 

When i write the history ov a bug i write him az he iz, at 
this date, not az he waz. 

Thare are pholks in this world who couldn't sleep well if 
they didn't kno whether knower had 2 gnatts in the ark or 
not, all i kan say on this pint iz, i hope he didn't hav enny 
more than 2. 

If the voracious bed bugg assaults yu, oft in the stilly 
nite, yu kan rize from yure virtewous kouch, and robeing 
yureself, go out beneath the pale moon and chattering stars, 
and walk bak and forward in front of the house, and be at 
peace. 

If the versatile flea penetrates yure clothing yu kan sarch 
for hiz whareabouts, and when yu hav found hiz whareabouts 
yu will find that he haz left in disgust for other scenes, and 
yure mind will be at rest. 

If the melodious musketoze hovers about yure sakred 



600 VARIETY. 

premises, yu kan raize a smudge ov burning sulphur, or 
fragrant assiphedita, and the musketoze will take the hint, 
and konklude he aint wanted enny more, and yu will rejoise 
over the viktory. 

But when the gray gnatt seeks yu he will phind yu, just 
az eazy and az certain az a mouse in a hurry will find hiz 
hole in the korner, and yu might az well think ov eskaping 
a trakt pedlar. 

In writing this memoir ov the gray gnatt, i am unable tew 
tell the stujent ov natral history whither he iz graniverous 
or karniverous, or both, but i do kno he is pestiverous, for i 
have tried it. 

I hav now dun with the gnatt, and proberbly never again 
shall sing ov hiz pekuliar kussidness. 

I hate a gnatt, but what duz a gnat kare for that. 

THE KATTERPILLAR. 

The katterpillar iz a lokomotiff insex, about 2 inches long, 
and about the circumference of a ramrod. 

They hav 9 leggs on each side ov their stummuk, and their 
stummuk reaches the whole length ov their boddy. 

Their gait iz a creep, and konsists of humping themself s 
up, and then suddenly flattening themself out. 

If yu tutch a katterpillar when he iz on the creep, he will 
suddenly cum to an abrupp pauze and rool himself up into a 
circle, and play ded like a possum. 

The katterpillar iz a tender-harted reptile, and if yu step 
on him once he dissolves like a fallen egg. 

Thare iz various breeds ov these delitephull worms, but 
there iz no choice in the breeds, one iz just az profitable az 
the other. , 

The katterpillar iz usefull tew klimb trees, and then fall 
off onto yu, az yu are passing by, and hav someboddy tell 
yu: 

" Mr., thare iz a katterpillar on yure back." 

Sweet bug. 

Thare iz sum kind ov family conneckshun between the 



THE GNATT AND KATTERPILLER. 601 

butterni and the katterpillar, but how it iz I dont kno 
miself. 

Which cnms from which, or who comes from whitch, is too 
mutch for me to declare, and tell the truth. 

They may be haff brothers, or haff sisters, but oh ! how 
different. 

The katterpillar iz as harmless az a snail, they won't 
tetch noboddy, and thare aint but phew that will tutch 
them. 

I would rather take a red hot pertato in mi hand than a 
katterpillar. 

I know they kant bight, but who knows what they will 
do? 

I dont kno why things are so, but I am more fraid that 
a mouse will cum out ov a hole, than an elephant will — 
and I had rather put mi hand into a steel trap than onto 
a katterpillar. 

This must be the effek ov arly edukashun, if elephants had 
been az thik in mi naborhood when i waz a child az katter- 
pillars waz, I suppoze I should hav bin eddikated tew hav 
bin afraid ov them. 

"What a krewel thing it iz to teach a child tew be afrade. 

Just enuff caushun tew avoid danger iz all the fraid a child 
ought tew be larnt. 

TThen I waz a helpless kno nothing, about 6 or 7 years 
advanced, I waz taut tew be afrade, and to this day I had 
rather face a blood red Pawnee on the war path than tew go 
down cellar in the dark. 

I would rather a child ov mine would never kno exactly 
who diskovered Amerika, or how much multiplikashun 9 
times 8 cums to, than tew be larnt tew shudder at the inno- 
cent gambols ov a mouse on the harth stun. 

Katterpillars were so numerous in Kew York, a fu years 
ago, that sparrows were imported from the mother kuntry 
tew gobble them, and now the sparrows hav bekum so mutch 
that we talk ov sending sum whare for nu kind ov katter- 
pillar tew eat up the sparrows. 



602 VARIETY. 

Dog eat dog — sitch iz not only bug, but human natur, too. 

THE EARWIG. 

The earwig iz a short snaik, an inch and a haff in longi- 
tude, and ov a red culler. 

They hav 16 thousand leggs on each side ov their boddys, 
and travel endways on their stumuk. 

They are az harmless az a piece ov tape, but are quikker 
tew krawl than spirits ov turpentine sot on fire. 

They are another terror tew children, bekauze they hav 
bin told they would run into their ears if ever they got a 
good chance. 

This iz a lie, mi dear children, and the man who invented 
it ought tew be sent tew stait prizon, or the stait legislatur 
for life. He iz just phit for such a posishun. 

Thare aint no bug, beast, nor reptiles that will enter the 
ear ; if they did, they would leave it mighty sudden. 

ISTatur haz put ear wax thare, and that's what's the matter. 

This wax iz fatal tew all kreeping and krawling things. 

I hav studdied worms for 40 years, and konsider miseli 
helthy on all kind ov animated natur. 

If thare iz enny thing that i don't kno or kant guess at 
about kritters, it iz sum thing that would be a damage to kno. 



WHAT I KNO ABOUT HOTELS. 

St. Loins, ***1873. 

AGREEABEL to yure request i send yu a short analasiss 
ov mi lektur entitled, " What i kno about HotelsP 
I sent yu, from Boston, not long ago, the sinoppsiss ov mi 
other lektur known az " Beauty and the BeasfsP 

I hav red theze lekturs all over the kuntry, from the 
kanada line tew the equator, with grate satisfackshun tew 
miself, and with ockashional rays ov hope to thoze who hav 
listened tew them. 



WHAT I KNO ABOUT HOTELS. 



603 



I hav another lektur which i denominate Milk, and i will 
send yu from Leavenworth Citty, Kansass, the pedigree ov 
that. 

Theze 3 lektnrs are poor but honest. 

Next tew finding the North Pole kommik lekturing iz the 
hardest thing for man tew do. 

The grate trouble iz, that what seems az phull ov phun, 
and even wit to the lekturer, az a blown up bladder phalls on 
the aujience az phlatt and klammy as a half-baked slapjack. 

Yu kant tell how humor iz a going tew take, enny more 
than yu kan kalkulate how kastor ile iz a gowing tew take on 
a wodden image. 

Experience iz no use tew yu in theze matters, for i hav bin 

a good while in the 
bizzness, and aint half 
so certain now ov suck- 
cess az i waz the fust 
timei opened mi 
throttle valve, and let 
steam on to a gather- 
j6 ing ov people in front 
ov me. 

The more i tri tew 
reduse humor to a 
science, the more i find 
out that i am a kondem 
phool. 

But listen a minnitt 
while i unharness and 
giv yu a liquid diag- 
nosiss ov " What i hno 
about HotehP The unique diskourse opens like a bowie 
knife, and pitches in to the average hotel up tew the hilt. 

I deskribe hotels az tho i had fust saw da lite in them, and 
had dwelt within their misterious precincts ever sinse. 

I talk about hash with a freedom that either shows that i 
kno all about its hidden resources, or am a child ov reddy 
wit. 



ft 
C. 

x 

o 




604 VARIETY. 

To tell yu the truth, dear editors, i am az familiar with 
hotels az a cockroach iz. 

I have et in them (and been et in them) from the hed 
waters ov the Penobskott tew the everglades ov Florida. 

The next pertinent f eatur in this lektur is " What i kno 
about farming." 

I am az mutch in mi element, on this subjekt az a yerling 
heifer iz in two akers ov yung clover, or a hog in a kornfield. 

I am a farmer bi natur, and kan tell within 5 minnitts ov 
the rite time tew pik geese, set a hen, or when the dinner 
horn iz a going tew blow. 

This essa on farming alwus distrackts mi aujience when 
they fust hear it, for i giv them sutch a multitude ov nu-fash- 
ioned material tew think about, but when they go home and 
lay down on their beds they begin tew dream about it, and the 
whole thing unwinds az butiful and reglar az a silk worm's eg. 

Mi next subjekt iz the Dandy. 

I lead this diluted phello in before the aujience bi hiz sope 
lock, and sho him up tew mi spektators, without enny grip- 
ings ov konshunce. 

I ain't afrade ov the kuss, tharefore I handle him with 
eaze and eleganse. 

When i git thru with him thare aint nothing left ov him 
but a haff-worth tooth-pik and a faint smell ov kosmetik in 
the hall. 

Sum ov the aujience applaud this effort ov mine and others 
would if they felt like it. 

After showing up this hybrid on the naff-shell, i read one 
ov mi creamy essa's on Whissling. 

I treat whissling az an akomplishment, and sho whare its 
strength and buty laze. 

I speak ov it az one ov the lost arts, which flourished about 
the time ov the Amerikan revolushun, when Yankee Doodle 
waz around. 

I prove that it iz entirely kompozed ov wind .and iz 
evanescent in its natur. 

At this point ov mi lektur menny ov thoze present retire 
tew fill sum engagement outside ov the lectur field. 



WHAT I KNO ABOUT HOTELS. 605 

I never offer tew hold an anjience when they git up and 
be°*in tew go, it only makes the rest ov them anxious tew 
phollow. 

The next argument that i bring forward iz the life and 
prominent bumps ov the Bizzy Boddy. 

I pride miself that thare are but phew orators in the field 
who kno more about this species ov critter, and are less afrade 
tew tell it than i am. 

I go for the bizzyboddy inkontinently, az the spider goze 
for the fly, or the sharp-ended hornet persews the inquiring 
urchin, who phools around hiz sakred nest. 

Having handled the bizzybody az foot balls are handled, I 
look over the gathered flood ov human beings in front ov me 
tew see how the thing iz takeing. 

Every one seems tew be satisfied, but they don't sho no 
sighns ov it. 

This iz a way that most aujiences hav ov being pleazed 
with a kommik lektur. 

Experience haz made me acquainted with this dodge on 
their parts. 

I hav found out bi experimenting that the best way tew 
git the respekt and konfidense ov enny boddy iz not to ask 
for it, but take it, just az tho it waz yures. 

Having satisfied miself that the spektators are sound on 
the goose, I read mi paper (at this point), on that mutch cov- 
eted blessing, Contentment. 

I say mutch that iz hard tew prove on this fashionable 
topic, but i take every one bi storm when i deklare that the 
clam iz the best specimen ov kontentment that natur haz 
produced. 

They are kontented bekauze they kant help it. 

It iz no more than the truth for me tew state that this 
assershun iz too mutch for the nerves ov the hily eddikated 
in front ov me, and masses ov them rize in their seats and 
leave for other scenes. 

Such continued raids az theze would make most lektures 
sea sik, but i am so akustomed tew them that i smile sweetly 



606 VARIETY. 

az i reflekt that they don't hav tew take their money at the 
door when they go out. 

This iz a consolashun that must be experienced tew be felt. 

Now cums mi hed pin in this lektur, now cums mi 
viktory. 

Mi treatiss on the " District Skoolmaster. If I hav enny 
weakness in this world it iz the affeckshun with which i look 
upon mi memoir, ov the Distrikt Schoolmaster. 

Thare aint no man on the earth's flat buzzum that haz bin 
abuzed more, and who haz got so little tew sho for it az the 
distrikt skoolmaster. 

When he iz yung and in fiteing trim he iz made tew work 
for haff price, and iz paid oph in mutilated currency, and 
when he gits old he iz turned into the hiway like a blind 
dog, and told tew hunt for a bone. 

I often shed tears when i read this essa on the distrikt 
skool master, but the spektaters seldum don't, their grief lies 
deeper than mine duz. 

At this point i introduce the Dog, and for 15 konseketiff 
minnitts at least, i giv mi hearers a kanine feast. 

I go bak tew the fust dog, which waz ov a yaller culler, 
and work mi way slowly up tew the dog ov the present 
moment. 

Sum konsider this mi best effort, and i am glad ov it, for 
they pay their munny and hav a right tew tak their pik. 

All thru this lektur are skattered short sayings wich are 
intended tew be phunny, but thru sum misunderstanding the 
aujience seldum arize abuv the dignity ov silence. 

Now and then a single individual will brake out into a laff, 
but hiz voice skares him, and he suddinly stops. 

I now introduce, with a moral flourish ov well selekted 
words, the bizzy Ant. 

I talk with grate fervour about this indiginous bug, i sing 
ov hiz industry, i tell ov hiz ekonemy, and sitch thing?, 
wich are original with me and new tew mi aujience. 

This part ov the lektur seems tew hold thoze in front ov 
me az tho they waz in a vise, for all whispring iz shut up, 



AN ASSORTED LOT. 607 

all eating ov peanuts ceazes, and tlioze who are awake rivet 
their gaze on me az tho they waz going into a fit. 

This iz my happy moment, and i perspire with bliss. 

Mi dear editors, if yu kould only hear me talk Ant for 3 
minnitts, and see the spasmodik grip that i hav upon mi 
hearers, yu would be anxious tew sell out yure Weekly, 
desert yure 350 thousand subskribers, and go hed oyer heels 
into the lekturing spekulashun. 

But we kant all be lekturers, if we was, we should hav 
tew hire our aujiences, and that would eat up all the promts. 

Thare iz more lekturers now than thare iz enny aktual 
suffering for. 

In konklushun, I kloze, by stopping with a brilliant epi- 
sode, kalled Marriage. 

Into this klozing kloze I weave some ov mi rarest gifts. 

I speak ov marriage az a good thing tew have in the 
family. 

I dwell upon it as the experiment ov man, the joy ov 
woman, and the success ov natur. 

I hang over it with the tenderness of a mother. 

I wet it with mi tears. 

I luv it az i did mi fust born, and I embellish it with all 
the rich graces ov a fourth ov July orashun. 

When I get thru with it, the aujience all spring tew theii 
feet, and — go out. 

This iz the end ov the lektur, called: "What I kno about 
Hotels." Yours, proudly, Josh Billings. 



AN ASSOKTED LOT. 



THE OYSTEE. 



THE oyster iz a bivalve, but what a bivalve iz, i don't 
kno. 
They inhabit the bottom ov salt water, and are more pro- 
lifick than muskeeters or the meazles. 



608 VARIETY. 

One oyster will beget four hundred and ninety-six thou- 
sand two hundred and sixty-three other oysters. This beats 
the multiplikashun table all hollow, and places the bivalve at 
the head ov the begetting bizzness. 

The oyster iz the quickest phood on record to eat ; they 
hav no bones nor feathers, and kan be swallowed whole, 
either sitting, standing, or on the run. 

They are az eazy tew digest az a kiss, and tho not han- 
sum tew look at on the outside, are well worth looking 
into. 

The man who et the fust oyster on the haff-shell must hav 
bin astonished at the sudden way it waz did ; but i presume 
he want enny more astonished than the oyster waz. 

The oyster iz a mutch better bred animal than the klam iz 
— they hav more sentiment but less muscle. 

THE RED PEPPER. 

The red pepper iz green when it iz born, but, like the lob- 
ster, when it iz ripe for use, changes tew red. 

They gro on a low bush, and are a smart vegetable. If 
yu don't beleave it, handle them and then rub yure eyes with 
yure hand. 

The red pepper, when it iz ripe, iz simply a pod filled 
with seeds, and are acktually hotter than a live kole ov fire/ 

They will keep without spileing az long az whiskey, for 
after hanging up nine years in the kitchen, i have seen them 
took down, and soak out, az hot and az phull ov vengeance az 
ever. 

The red pepper, like the hornet, iz alwuss reddy for use at 
a minnitt's notiss. 

THE NTJZE BOY. 

The nuze boy iz a natral brik. 

He makes more fuss and disturbance, on a smaller kapital, 
than enny other human being in existence. 

He haz a free pass everywhere, and tho ragged az an old 
bed quilt, two papers under hiz arm makes him respektable. 



AN ASSORTED LOT. 609 

When it cums night, and hiz labors are over, he holes az 
natralj and misterions az a rat, and in the morning iz seen 
everywhare, az sudden az a flok ov birds off from their 
roost. 

The nuzeboy alwuss haz tallent, if he haint, he kant be a 
nuzeboy, and thousands ov men, now respektable and ritch, 
kan look back, if they hav a mind to, and see themselfs in 
their boyhood, shuless and ragged with their whole kapital 
in 15 dailys under their arm. 

The nuzeboy iz alwuss equal tew the principal circum- 
stansis in the case, he iz reddy for an errand that haz a re- 
tainer ov twenty-five cents in it, he kan answer enny civil 
question that iz put to him, and kan be az sassy az a monkey 
or a fish woman's daughter, if needs be. 

I often talk with theze waifs, and tho seldum possessed ov 
enny learning, i never yet found a phool amungst them. 

Az the iron hardens into steel, under the torture ov fierce 
flame, so duz poverty, privashun, abuze and necessity, work 
theze little pilgrims into veterans. 

With every temptashun tew vice, az a class, they are az 
honest in their calling az enny who trade for a living. 

THE PHIDDLE. 

Who iz thare who kan giv t